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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Possible trigger - I'm 19 and i really could do with some mum advice please :(

119 replies

ThrowAwayBarbie · 15/12/2016 01:56

Hi how is everyone?
I dont have a mum to ask so please can any mums here offer some advice?
Basically 2 weeks ago i ran away from home because my dad threatened to hit me. Id just found out on the day that i was 6 weeks pregnant i told my dad and he said i either leave or get an abortion. I couldnt get an abortion and we had an argument and he grabbed me so i ran away.
The babies dad doesnt know because hes married and i dont want to break up his family. It was a stupid drunk one night stand after a night out, i didnt know he was married i only found out when i looked for him on facebook and i saw his kids and his wife.
Right now im living a mates house, theyre really lovely its ok here but i know they do weed and coke sometimes and i hate drugs. Im a bit stuck because i dont know what i can do to help myself.
I need some help as to who to talk to about the baby, who to tlk to about moving somewhere safer and also how to get some food. Ive been eating 1 tin of soup a day for 2 weeks now because i only had £30 when i left and i feel really ill. I cant stay at my mates all day so im out at 8am until 6pm.
I know i did a horrible thing and i swear i really didnt know he was married. Please dont judge me because i already know im a horrible person. My mum passed away when i was 10 and i really wish she was here to help me. Do i go back home now? Where do i go?

OP posts:

Report

Shimmyshammy · 15/12/2016 16:34

You aren't intentionally homeless. Go back and tell them your dad won't let you home. Don't tell them you have a sofa to sleep on.

Go to your GP, he can flagpost you to the foodbank.

Sign on to jobseekers.

Do you have anything you can sell/porn in the meantime?

ThrowAwayBarbie · 15/12/2016 16:34

Its ok SpidersFromMars, ive made my mind up now. Id be a terrible mum anyway, can't even look after myself lol!

OP posts:

ThrowAwayBarbie · 15/12/2016 16:41

Its fine Shimmyshammy, i'll get it all sorted

OP posts:

Earlgreywithmilk · 15/12/2016 16:47

Hi Barbie
Listen I totally get where you're coming from with regards to wanting to keep the baby. It's human nature. I became pregnant at 19 and kept my dc but to be honest I was completely terrified of having the operation. Nowadays with the contraceptive pill it's not like it used to be, u just take the pill and go home then take another 12 hrs later I believe (I'm not trivialising abortions, I'm sure it's still horrible) but what I'm saying is it's a physically easy procedure and not as much of an ordeal as it used to be.
I was fortunate enough to have a supportive mum and my dad wasn't around but had the contraceptive pill existed in those days and I was in a position like yours I doubt I would've kept my daughter.
There will be more babies for you in the future I'm sure - hopefully when you're in a better position to look after it and give it a life better than the terrible experience you've had. I'm really sorry for you.

ThrowAwayBarbie · 15/12/2016 16:59

Thanks EarlGreyWithMlk. It means a lot to have the support. I've got the doctor next week and i know what i have to do. It would be really unfair to bring a kid into this world in my situation. Right now everything is a mess i cant afford a kid, i cant even afford to feed myself. At least right now the kid feeds from me so to speak but what happens if things dont improve? How am i going to be able to afford to feed, clothe or support a new born baby? Thank you for telling me what they do too, i've only ever heard of the operation so to know that i can go home and be on my own when it's all happening helps me. Thank you x

OP posts:

Earlgreywithmilk · 15/12/2016 17:04

I didn't mean contraceptive pill btw I meant abortion pill!
I think you experience what feels like worse than usual period pains and have a heavy period. you sound like a very sensible and nice girl. Don't feel bad, I hope everything goes ok x

iamadaftcoo · 15/12/2016 17:05

I had an early termination (6 weeks) and it was absolutely fine, no worse than a heavy painful period. Best of luck to you.

Satisfactorylemon · 15/12/2016 17:06

Shimmyshammy please tell me the porn bit was a typo

ThrowAwayBarbie · 15/12/2016 17:14

I knew what you meant :) (is that even a word?).
iamadaftcoo, can i ask a question and i know it probably sounds really weird and horrible and i'm so sorry if i upset you in any way, but while its happening or when it happens, do you see it once its happened? I hope that makes sense, sorry i don't even know why i asked or how to explain it and i don't want to upset anybody here because i know its a big thing to happen.

OP posts:

pklme · 15/12/2016 17:20

Hey Barbie, I wish I could give you a big hug. You are being very brave. I'm glad you came on here to find some people to talk to.

Please don't blame yourself for your situation. The baby's dad is presumable quite a bit older and more life experienced than you.

I'm sorry you have been let down by the people you saw today- I hope you find some proper help soon.

Make sure the GP knows it's an emergency, because it is. try and get a same day appointment.

iamadaftcoo · 15/12/2016 17:21

throw

Not offended at all :)

The answer is no, at that stage there's not really anything to see and anyway - I didn't look.

didofido · 15/12/2016 17:22

Whilst I can see that the OP is in a terrible situation at the moment, NO ONE should be pressing her to have an abortion she says she doesn't want. There are agencies, a number of which she is approaching, who will be willing to help. There is time before the baby for her to be in a happier situation.
O.P - you could make a lovely mum - you have certainly seen the bad side of parenting.

Earlgreywithmilk · 15/12/2016 17:26

No one is saying she wouldn't be a lovely mum - I agree she seems very mature - but she is clearly terrified and needs assurance that she isn't a bad person for feeling an abortion might be the best thing.
Barbie said herself she was scared about what an abortion might entail - at this stage she needs to know all of her options.

iamadaftcoo · 15/12/2016 17:27

No one's pressed her, but, having had both an abortion (at 19) and a baby, I can say with 100% confidence the abortion was 20,000 times easier, and that's with me having a baby at 28, in a stable long term relationship and a good deal of financial security.

The op can make whatever decision she wants. We can only offer our own experiences.

octoberfarm · 15/12/2016 17:37

Also slightly worried at all the comments telling the OP that an abortion is the best route.

OP - whichever choice you end up making - be it keeping the baby or getting a termination - do what feels right for you. If you decide to keep the baby, you can and will make it work, and I too think you sound like you'd be a fab Mum. That being said, you've nothing to feel guilty about if you decide that you can't keep it. But take some time, and make sure that whatever you decide, you're sure it's what you want. There's plenty of time between now and then to get your life back on track, and this doesn't need to mean the end of everything either way. You sound so strong and brave, just keep asking for help until you find someone who's able/willing to give it. There is lots of support out there, it's just finding it.

I'm so sorry you're having such a crappy time. Wishing you lots of luck

Purplebluebird · 15/12/2016 18:09

Oh, sounds like you're having a rough time. I do agree that you've probably come to the best conclusion with this pregnancy. Wait until you're settled and educated, and in a healthy, loving relationship. Good to speak to CAB and your GP, and please tell them you were chucked out, and that you no longer have somewhere to stay. They just have to find you somewhere. Let us know

Grescille · 15/12/2016 18:22

I've had two abortions, two miscarriages and three children. I don't regret the abortions for a second.

MrsBertBibby · 15/12/2016 18:26

Sweetie, whatever you decide to do, please don't sell yourself short. From the sounds of you, you're a lovely natured, bright, strong, resourceful young woman, and to have got there with such a horrible start as you've had is pretty impressive.

You have so much to give life. Don't believe otherwise.

Cinnamon84 · 15/12/2016 18:38

You sound very sensible and brave ThrowAwayBarbie. I hope you get some support whatever you decide to do xx

pklme · 15/12/2016 18:39

None of us can tell you the right decision to make- none of us know. Find out what support you can get, then decide with help from the counsellors who are trained for it.

FruitCider · 15/12/2016 18:46

Go back to your council and tell them it is unsafe for you to go home as you are fleeing domestic abuse from your father. If they do not accept that, ring Shelter and get advice. You are NOT intentionally homeless!

SelfCleaningVagina · 15/12/2016 18:47

I don't think i can keep this child. I can't afford to look after myself let alone a baby. I'd just be bringing a child into poverty and st. I never wanted this life and i always wished that someone nice would kidnap me so i could live with them. I hated my parents for my life, i don't want my own kid to hate me.

That sounds eminently sensible.

GreenAndWinter · 15/12/2016 19:07

If you were my daughter, I would support you whatever you decided. I would be letting you know that I accepted you for who you were even if you had made mistakes.

Everybody deserves supportive parents. I'm sorry you haven't had that experience. It doesn't mean you can't be an excellent mother yourself whenever the time comes.

Have a good think about your options. You seem very brave and resourceful, despite your bad start in life. You will get through this.

Myrobalanna · 15/12/2016 19:15

I just want to give you a big hug. I am the child of a woman who was in a sort-of similar situation (well, she was a girl, younger than you by a few years). Her parents threw her out but she had the support of my dad and his family and I truly believe that's what made the difference to my life.

It isn't the worst thing in the world, to have an abortion. If you don't think you can do it and there's nobody to help you do it, then give the thought a home and see if it feels ok. That's not to say it isn't a sadness, but to be honest, adult life is full of those and it's how you deal with them that counts.

All the very best to you. xx

PrincessConsuelaTheSecond · 15/12/2016 20:41

I think you need to post in Pregnancy Choices, if you haven't already. You need to be realistic.

I had a baby at 19 and it was difficult in far easier circumstances than yours.

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