Possible trigger - I'm 19 and i really could do with some mum advice please :(

[ThrowAwayBarbie]

Hi how is everyone?
I dont have a mum to ask so please can any mums here offer some advice?
Basically 2 weeks ago i ran away from home because my dad threatened to hit me. Id just found out on the day that i was 6 weeks pregnant i told my dad and he said i either leave or get an abortion. I couldnt get an abortion and we had an argument and he grabbed me so i ran away.
The babies dad doesnt know because hes married and i dont want to break up his family. It was a stupid drunk one night stand after a night out, i didnt know he was married i only found out when i looked for him on facebook and i saw his kids and his wife.
Right now im living a mates house, theyre really lovely its ok here but i know they do weed and coke sometimes and i hate drugs. Im a bit stuck because i dont know what i can do to help myself.
I need some help as to who to talk to about the baby, who to tlk to about moving somewhere safer and also how to get some food. Ive been eating 1 tin of soup a day for 2 weeks now because i only had £30 when i left and i feel really ill. I cant stay at my mates all day so im out at 8am until 6pm.
I know i did a horrible thing and i swear i really didnt know he was married. Please dont judge me because i already know im a horrible person. My mum passed away when i was 10 and i really wish she was here to help me. Do i go back home now? Where do i go?

Hi, my love, I have no more advice for you, because you have been given excellent advice and you seem to have considered it and made your own decision.
I just want to give you the cuddles and warmth that no one in your life has been able to give you.

It sounds like you've been so strong. Here is a moment for you to rest and not feel strong because a mum is holding you and saying 'There, there, my darling' and just letting you cry for a bit.

When you've had a cry, I'll wipe your face, give you a big kiss and let you know that I still believe you are every bit strong enough to do whatever you need to do.

OP you sound like you've had a shit start in life but that doesn't have to define you. You're so young and have your whole life in front of you and with hard work and determination the life you dream of. You have already started your degree and much respect to you for striving to gain qualifications for yourselves. University and study is far easier now at your age, being a parent, is so much harder, especially alone, homeless and penniless.

Look at what you want for your life and make that your aim. Don't feel bad or guilty to terminate. You seem to have decided to terminate and Fwiw I think that is a wise and well thought out decision.

Good luck and stay strong and determined. You can have your dreams, in the future you will have a man who loves you completely, a lovely home, good job and a family

you need to be kinder on yourself - you've had a shitty start and are still dealing with things from growing up

You're being fantastic by thinking about things from a child's point of view growing up in these circumstances

In another time, when you've finished uni and can support yourself better then you'll have the chance to be the mum you want to be.

Thanks guys. It really does mean a lot to have all your support and advice. I've made up my mind though and i can't go through with having it. It's unfair to bring a child into my world right now and it also means i don't ruin another family. I mean even if i didn't tell him now, the kid would want to know when its older wouldn't it which would cause so many more problems. Its all messed up isn't it.
I've done nothing but cry today but i know it's the right thing to do for everyone's sake. My doctors appointment is next week so i'll talk to them about it all. It's for the best x

Stay strong. It's a new year soon and a new start for you. Always aim high, it may not be easy but it'll be worth it.

I really do think you have made the right decision for the best reason.

Keep posting for support

Hi barbie

Ill be honest with you... i had an abortion at 20 i was 10 weeks pregnant. Im 25 now and i have 2 children. I think of the first baby alot. And after having the abortion i got pregnant18 months later. Like you i had a interesting upbringing. My dad wasnt around my mum was and is still an alcoholic. I had to grow up quickly i didnt really have a childhood much the same as you by the sounds of things. Im so sorry for the lost of your mum.

Im now 25 with 2 kids 11 months between them in a shit situation had i of know my now ex partner would beat me up and make me cry by just talking to me i would never of have got together with him. But then i wouldnt have had my two beautiful children.

Money worries me now but you will get help enough to survive and buy clothes food shoes toys gas elec.

Do something for me? Tomorrow phone your local salvation army they will be able to give you a food parcel. You will be exhausted and feeling shit cos your hungry. Get some food in you get some sleep get your head straight.

You will regret what never was but you wont regret trying.

Yes its not ideal to be having a baby at 19 but lots of women do. Lots of women have no practical support - i dont my son is a very poorly baby i live 280 miles from my family.

Give the baby a thought you may feel you cant do it right now but think on sunday about the baby get some food some sleep.

You can ring womens aid and they will put you in a hostel in litterally 24 hours if you want it.

For your dad let him cool down i bet hes shitting it but its your body your baby not his.

As for baby dad - photos are deceiving dont you put your best photo on facebook where your looking fit or slim or your teeth look good? Hes putting his 'best dad ever' photo on to show to the world how good a dad he is. Being a good dad and being a good husband are seperate things as much as on mn it seems to be the interlinking thing ' oh he cheated hes the biggest cunty dad in the world' errrr no thats not true just cos someone doesnt love their wife anymore doesnt make them a shit dad. Im not saying run in there and scream it through his letter box. Im saying text him message him tell him whats happening explain you dont want any trouble or arguments but your pregnant your rightly scared and you want to tell him. See where it goes but dont expect him to give up his family life for you or the baby but make peace with that - i dont think it sounds like you set out for a relationship with him anyway. Its not your fault he cheated its not your fault your dads a nobhead its not your fault this situation is shit but i promise you 6 weeks from now it will be diffrent again.

Did i read that it was your first time? He didnt presure you did he?

You seem bright and like you have a giggle with life.

There is someone on here at all hours so if you cant sleep just post on here and youll get a reply even if its just to play virtual ispy to keep your mind off things.

One day at a time ' you cant run before you can walk'

You're being very brave and mature OP. Whatever you think is right is the right decision. If you don't feel like you can support a baby and feel abortion is the right choice, then it is. You're really young, and I'm sure you will make an excellent mum in the near future when you feel ready.

I'm another worried about the pushing towards abortion. How very sad and disuturbing that posters would try to convince their children to have abortions. Abortion is a very personal choice only to be made by the women herself. There shouldn't be any outside pressure, just support.

OP - I am so very sorry you are going through this alone. Abortion is an option, of course. And it is not option you should be ashamed or fearful of.

It's also not your only option. Support will be there if you chose to go ahead with the pregnancy.

You will be housed, you will be entitled to benefits, not enough to live a cushy life but enough to feed and clothe yourself and your child. You will be able to finish your degree and make a life for youself.

Go back to the council and make it very clear that you cannot go home. Go to CAB if you get no luck again. Women's aid might also be able to help you. Honestly, if you change your mind and go ahead, you will not be left penniless and homeless with a newborn baby.

Please don't feel abortion is your only option. It's not. You have choices and in a situation such as this, there are no wrong descisions.

As for the married man, he made his own bed. You had nothing to do with his wrong doing. It is not your fault. Whatever happens with his family after this is all his own doing. His son's lives won't be ruined, even if this comes out. They'll be hurt for a while and then life will go on. Quite probably a better life for his poor wife if this is the kind of husband she has.

Women's aid?

You can also ask for help at a local church. The clergy have funds to help, time to talk to you, and access to all sorts of other benefits. If the building is empty when you call there will be a number on the notice board. Ring it. You may prefer a woman priest, but either would help. Thinking of you O.P. and wishing you a better turn of fortune.

You poor thing.

Just to say - you are definitely not intentionally homeless, because of the threats of violence from your dad. (I know what I'm talking about).

Shelter will support you in trying again with the council if that's what you decide to do.

And I agree you could also try Women's Aid - domestic violence isn't just between partners, you've suffered it from your dad.

I think people are showing support to OP with her decision rather than pushing her.

The reality is, she is homeless and even if she wasn't and she went home, that is to an abusive, violent, alcoholic father. Even if she was housed by her local authority, having visited emergency, temporary accommodations in the line of work, they are grim in the worst and quite frankly scary areas.

Babies are hard and it's even harder when you are completely alone with no support. It's all well and good suggesting various agencies and charities but on a practical level they aren't there physically 24/7, when you're at your lowest with a screaming baby.

OP is penniless and not working. and realistically that will not change significantly in the next 8 months, so already pushing her into a poverty trap, which in the circumstances, with no support would be difficult to get out of for years.

Then there is her emotional and mental health with all of the above. OP has had a shit life so far and she deserves to have better than she's had in the last 19 years and so does any DC's she may have in the future.

Give the baby a thought seems more like pressure to me than any of the other posts tbh

**

This is a very sad story. The unexpected pregnancy on first time sex, the abusive father, the alcoholic and belated mother, the homelessness, the lack of food, OP's words show that she is clearly very young, and needs guidance, all of it is very sad.

I thought exactly the same, Konyaa.

Actually, I had a termination at 20 for similar enough, but not the same, reasons. I have never once regretted it. Not once. In fact, there have been many times when I have been relieved and thankful that I made that choice. Very many.

Quite right forum

People think they are being supportive by telling her 'I know someone who had a baby at 13 while living in a cardboard box and she is now CEO of a blue chip company. Everything will be fine! it won't always be easy but you can do this! '

How the hell do they know? The OP is very young and has had less than model parents to learn from. She has never been in a proper relationship with a man before. She has lived around dysfunction her whole life. Who are we to say with confidence she can do this, right now at this point in her life, with no partner, no money and no practical or emotional support?

The simple fact is that she has a WAY WAY better chance of her life being easier and better in just about every way in the long run if she doesn't continue with this pregnancy.

She will have a better chance of finishing her studies and getting a job.

She will have a better chance of meeting a decent bloke who wants to settle down with her, rather than some of the cock-lodging dross you tend to settle for when you are a young, lonely single mum on benefits with very little family support and no barometer for measuring a healthy relationship against a shit one.

She will have a better chance of giving any future children a much better and less dysfunctional start in life than she had if she doesn't go ahead with this pregnancy now.

If she makes the decision to go ahead after considering all of that then that is her choice to make. But at least she'll be going in with her eyes open instead of being led up the garden path by people telling her she can do it when they have absolutely no fucking idea about what she can and can't do right now. We know absolutely nothing about her except that she's given us every classic reason in the book to think that if she continues this PG it will in all likelihood trap her and her child into a depressing cycle of disadvantage that it will be almost impossible for her to dig herself out of.

Totally agree, Forum and SelfCleaning. Totally.

For the posters who post that she will not be left homeless and penniless, do you know that for a fact? Is that based on assumption and thought?

I don't know about the area OP is in only mine but from what she's already posted, homeless accommodation has already been refused.

Briefly without outting myself or disclosing tmi I know of a woman OPs age who was made homeless with a school aged relative, who was under SS and even with their involvement it took a while to even get an emergency place. They had no money and benefit payments weren't given for weeks. It's the worst situation to be in and then to be placed in a bare hovel amongst drugs, dealers, alcoholics, prostitution, it's both scary and leaves people vulnerable.

Sad irony is that the system they are encouraging the OP to access is the exact same one that people have voted to reduce and dismantle. The resources are simply not there anymore.

Op I was in a position like yours however I had a very stable wealthy family and I still had an abortion. I don't regret it as it was right at the time. I had to have a medical under anaesthetic one and wasn't nice but it was the right thing at the time. Now 9 years later I have my own house, my own business and 2 beautiful Dcs. Honestly have a really good think about this. The benefit system is not something you can rely on, they are making cuts all the time. Just think if you do your degree and get a place on your own you can find a decent partner in your own time and have a proper non dysfunctional family.

OP I just wanted to give you a big hug after reading this :(

I was pregnant at 19. I had DD, finished my degree on time, did very well, but I'm not going to bullshit you and say it was easy. It's been so so hard, and I had emotional support from parents and practical support from my DP. It's easy to stand in my position and say "I did it, so can you" but it would be disingenuous of me.

My parents reacted very badly at first and asked me to have an abortion. It very nearly destroyed my relationship with them, so I'd ask those posters who've said they'd tell their children to get an abortion, to consider the implications it may have. OP you needed support and love and instead you were pressured into something you felt uncomfortable with. Whatever you decide with regards to the pregnancy, you deserve better than the treatment you had at home.

Your decision is yours. I don't regret not having an abortion. A friend of mine had an abortion, and she doesn't regret having an abortion. Neither decision needs to be filled with regret for you. Making this choice is so difficult, I remember feeling so lost and everyone around me had some kind of agenda one way or another. No-one can tell you what to do. It's your body - don't listen to the posts saying "think of the baby"; don't listen to the "you won't succeed if you continue with this pregnancy", don't accept the rose-tinted "everything will be easy and shiny" glasses. Listen to the MNers telling you that whatever choice you make is valid and you deserve to be supported through it; you can succeed, you can have a perfectly functional family, whatever you choose. You can choose to start it now or start it later.

*HoHoHoI is right of course, it is your body.

But much more importantly than that, it's your life.

SelfCleaning is right, I did mean to say that.

Thanks guys and your advice has made things easier for me. Sorry its taken me so long to reply, i've not been very well today.
Accommodation wise, i went back and told them about my dad and what he had done and im still not allowed a place because im staying at a mates house so they see it as i have somewhere to live. Im going to ask my friend to write a letter to say that i can't stay much longer but i think i'll stay until the new year. Id rather get this thing sorted first and then move on.
Ive been in a lot of pain today so i dont know how much i can reply tonight but i'll keep trying to reply to you all.
To those who have been in a similar situation and to everyone else, thank you for sharing your stories with me, it actually makes me really happy to know things have worked out for you. It means a lot that you would share something like that with me especially when its really personal, so thank you.
To everyone showing concern, thank you. I don't think i've had this much support in my whole life, it does make a difference.

Hi barbie - just wanted to say I'm glad you have found some comfort on mumsnet - I can't imagine what it's been like for you losing your mum so young. For what it's worth I think you sound like an incredibly mature, lovely young woman with a good head on your shoulders. I hope whatever you decide to do you go on to have a happy and successful life - you deserve it.
God bless you x