How on earth can I keep us all safe?

[cherrycrumblecustard]

I was going to make this post about "my friend" but honestly, I think I just need to be open about me.

How do you cope? When you live with someone who

will hit (not hard and not enough to bruise but will hityou and also shove, thump things near you and so on)
won't take no for an answer for sex, pulls your pants down as you pull them up, insists, ejaculates when you don't want them to and have asked/begged/pleaded not to
controls EVERYTHING

I need out, but I am TERRIFIED of leaving my children, our children, with him

Next time he chastises you or belittles you or thumps something down next to you, have a look at your children.

Next time you apologise or backtrack or appease him, have a look at your children.

And then tell me it's not affecting them.

Your eldest has had, what, 10 years of this? That's about the sort of age when it started to dawn on me that not all homes were like mine as I started to spend more time with friends in their homes. That's when you stop being able to keep a lid on things

Cherry

Whenever you refer to what your life might be like after leaving, you seem to focus on how lonely, impoverished and low you would feel.

This is how I think you (and your children) would feel:
Free
Relieved
Relaxed
Happy
Safe.

No woman who's left an abusive partner would say that it was easy. But I'm willing to bet that almost every woman would say that it was 100 per cent worth the effort. You can't put a price on feeling safe, feeling loved (and you will be, by your children) and being able to go about your daily life without the constant fear of doing something wrong and being chastised (or worse) for it.

Please think carefully about all the advice you've been offered here. We are only trying to help

I think you don't know what a normal safe family situation is like and that is why you think it's ok that you only have 3 or 4 yeses it's not any is too many. I could honestly say yes to none

You can't put a price on feeling safe, feeling loved (and you will be, by your children) and being able to go about your daily life without the constant fear of doing something wrong and being chastised (or worse) for it.

Exactly this.

I know everyone is trying to help but it's making people feel annoyed so it's best if we leave it. The last thing I started the thread for was to have people take time away from their own families to feel irritated with me because I'm a pathetic mess. I hope you will all believe that. I didn't want to annoy anyone.

cherry that's not the point of people posting. No one is posting to make you feel bad. You are not a pathetic mess at all, you are an abused woman. As many of the women on this thread trying to help you have been, or have watched their mothers be.

Honey, I am not pissed off withyou, I am concerned for your and your children's welfare.
Sometimes posters do get her up when one doesn't jump up and Leave The Bastard as quick as they'd like.
This your life and you are the one actually living it. At times it is better to play the long game and get all of your ducks in a row before changing your life.
Keep yourself and your children safe, if there is any escalation in his behaviour or you feel threatened at all please call the police.

I am not annoyed nor do I think you're pathetic or any of the other slurs you're throwing at yourself.

I think you're an abused woman and you're minimising the impact that abuse is having on your children.

As I said earlier in the thread, this is the only life you've even known. You've never been free from abuse in your whole life. How can you possibly imagine what it feels like?

But you started this thread for a reason. Somewhere, you know this is wrong and you and your children could have a different life.

It is wrong jiggly but people are so busy insisting that what doesn't happen does happen I'm not getting a chance to talk about what does happen!

I think that's a bit unfair but okay, tell us then.

No, it's fine, honestly. I just mean, the last few pages have turned into what feels like a bit of an argument.

DH was hit a lot as a child, he wouldn't hit. The children. He might, if I wasn't there be more shouty and smack. I'm not condoning this by the way.

I watched that video someone posted before and honestly it SO wasn't this house.

Un lurking. I have absolutely no experience of an abusive relationship. But...my DH and I have been together for almost 20 years. We haven't had sex for about 6 years due to my issues. It isn't a big deal. He wants me to feel happy and comfortable.forcing it on you is not normal.

OP
As briefly as possible because I haven't read the whole thread and I also don't really want to detail my situation.

I recognise similarities with me, including not feeling loved as a child and marrying the first person who showed me love despite there being lots of signs that he was abusive and blaming myself for his abuse. The abuse was escalating. It was mostly sexual and emotional abuse. He didn't display anger or push me in the way your h is.

I posted at the time, but withdrew from my thread. Because it hurt. Hurt like hell despite all the posts being supportive. It was overwhelming to see written down what I knew deep down, and above all I couldn't take the questions referring to my children, the fact that I was told I was hurting them despite being a loving mother. On top of the abuse at home, it got too much for me, and I didn't know how to argue back. Maybe you need to step back from this, gather your thoughts and contact Women's Aid to talk things through. I would tell my GP too. Do as much research as possible. Contact solicitors to see where you stand. You don't need to do anything just yet if it's too much. Once I was in possession of more facts I felt more empowered. And don't worry about justifying yourself on here.

A few months after I posted I initiated divorce proceedings because he left me with no choice. My kids witnessed no violence between us but I now realise that I let my ex behave in mildly bullying ways towards our eldest who didn't fit his mould. I was too numb or too caught up trying to protect myself to notice the extent of it. I also think in time they would either have picked up his bullying ways or been on the receiving end of his emotional abuse.

Incidentally, we were very middle class and my ex's very plausible and well-regarded in high powered job. The court didn't really care about that in the end. Leaving was very hard, my ex is still abusive, but life is now much more peaceful, for the children as well. I wish you all the best.

The reason things have turned into an argument as you put it is because people are trying to help you and you're not listening. Take a deep breath and tell us what you hoped to get from posting here.

I am listening.

But I don't always understand. My head is a mess and I jump from thinking he's definitely not abusive to thinking he definitely is. Other times I think he's abusive and I am, too. I posted the thread to try and reach out for some support. That's all.

It's a lot to process. Take a few steps back if you need to. The thread will still be here

Cherry - you sound utterly brainwashed. I cannot comprehend how on earth you can justify his behaviour. Even if he were father of the year and the DC were not affected by it - even if you had loads of friends, cash and could wear whatever trousers you want - this man is a rapist. That alone is enough to get you into a refuge and away from him. That alone will get you Legal Aid to get this monster out of all of your lives. Yet somehow you seem to think this is ok and you are staying. Are you a martyr, are you so abused you cannot see it of is this all a blooming fairytale.

Just ask yourself one thing - if your daughter was being raped by her husband and father of her children, what would you advise her? To tread on eggshells to manage him, to wind him up to test him and annoy him to see how far you can push him and then tell herself it is her fault. Or would you be finding her support and dialling 999?

But it just doesn't feel like rape. I'm sorry, as I feel like that's the wrong answer. But it doesn't. Not to me. It seriously doesn't bother me at all. It annoys me. And I HATE it when he tells me how I am feeling - 'you love this, don't you' - NO, I don't, arse, but then it's over in twenty, thirty minutes and it's like it didn't happen.

I'm sure to some people it does seem I'm a martyr or whatever it was someone said a few pages ago but the truth is I'm just happy for whatever scraps I get, I get some love, the children get their dad.

I don't know. I know it's wrong. But shouting at me just makes me hate myself.

OP I think you are listening but you are confused because your notion of an abusive relationship is different to your relationship. You don't think it's as bad as it is and mitigate your DH's behaviour because you got together with him so young and you don't know any different.

It is really hard to accept a relationship is abusive particularly when your DH can behave in a caring way.

It is hard to accept your children are aware of the abuse and to think they don't see much and to think you would be taking them away from a good life.

I think you are stronger than you realise and only when you away from this man will you realise how bad your relationship is. A good man does not rape his wife, not once, not repeatedly. He respects you and your wishes no matter if you've sent him scores of dirty texts in the past you still have the right to say no and pulling your pants back up is saying no.

Keep trying WA, try different times if you can, you will get through eventually.

I am listening. I really am.

I know you are. A lot of people don't feel able to leave abusive relationships straightaway. It's a process of small steps - accepting there is something majorly wrong in your DH that makes him behave that way, accepting it is abusive, asking for help, acting on advice and getting to a position where you feel strong enough to leave.

You have taken those first few steps by posting on here and trying to get in touch with WA.

"It doesn't bother me at all."

"When he says 'you love it' -no I don't arse!"

Now think about what you just said and explain it because I really don't get it.

OP - re-read my post of 19.33. I've been there. Step back, don't get upset by what people are asking you. But reach out to WA.

You are speaking to me as if you are admonishing a naughty seven year old MissClarke

What don't you get?

Hi Cherry, I have been watching this post since it started. I just wanted to say a couple of things to you. I have been where you are right now, not physical or sexual abuse, but sustained emotional abuse over a very long period of time. I tried to find people who were in exactly the same situation, but then I realised that no two women in abusive relationships have exactly the same story. I found it frustrating at first, until I realised that. I think maybe that's where you are too? It's hard not to think people on here are having a go at you because you can't see their faces or hear the emotion in their voices, but they aren't. Some people give gentle advice and some will try to shock you into action, but they really are just trying to help.

I ran around asking people to validate what was happening to me, then I denied it or I would feel guilty on my H for even discussing it! I thought I was overreacting or exaggerating or even imagining it. But let me tell you this, be it now or in a few years time, I promise you that YOU WILL GET OUT. One day you will see it for what it is, you won't care whether anyone believes you or even whether you think you're imagining it, you will just have had enough. I promise you that day will come. You will find strength that you never knew you had and you will just do it.

I understand that right now is not that time, and you need to know that that's ok. You will do this in your own time when your personal line has been crossed, everyone has their own threshold. You know your H is an abuser, but when the thread gets too much you panic and it all seems like too much and you wish you'd never said anything? That's because it is the hardest thing you will ever do and you're just not ready today. It would be a step too far right now to acknowledge that this impacts on your kids, you can't face that right now because then you would have to leave and you just can't do it today. That's ok. But you will be ready. Without knowing it, you are getting ready. You wrote this post. You might do what I did when it got too much and I wanted to brush it under the carpet, and ask MN to delete it. But a switch has gone on in your head and you are changing, even if you can't see it. More and more, the tide will turn and the day of having had enough will come. Just know that and keep believing it and it will happen.

I hope I don't sound patronising in this post, I just want to help by letting you know that you have to do this at your own pace. It's hard. For me, leaving has turned out worse than I ever thought. Worse than any other story I have read. But I am still here, I am still fighting and I am safe in the knowledge that I never have to put up with that shit ever again. When you're strong enough, you will do this too. Hang on to getting out, it will happen.

Xxxx