How on earth can I keep us all safe?

[cherrycrumblecustard]

I was going to make this post about "my friend" but honestly, I think I just need to be open about me.

How do you cope? When you live with someone who

will hit (not hard and not enough to bruise but will hityou and also shove, thump things near you and so on)
won't take no for an answer for sex, pulls your pants down as you pull them up, insists, ejaculates when you don't want them to and have asked/begged/pleaded not to
controls EVERYTHING

I need out, but I am TERRIFIED of leaving my children, our children, with him

No it's not. It asks other things. It asks about financial, sexual and emotional
Things too.

Well the one I found was about people who worked with abused women. Anyway.

Would you like me to email for you? Pm me if you would. Or at least tell me which area you are in and I'll put you in touch with local support.

"Pollyanna but that's completely different, that's a stepdad, of course he was scared of him. We are just not a SS family. At all."

^this

Of course he was afraid of a stepdad? WHAT?! There are some truly marvellous stepdads out there who build the most loving relationships with their stepchildren - what an insult to them

We are just not a SS family. What even does that mean? Was I a 'SS family'? FYI I was and am a professional woman, intelligent and articulate and never got to the point of being anywhere near totally ground down - but you've entirely missed the point that I was making is the fact that even just a small lower level of intimidation or atmosphere can have a massive effect on children.

No one has said your children are terrified and withdrawn. We HAVE said it's having an effect on them and you continue to disagree with that.

I refer to the last line in your original post OP:

I need out, but I am TERRIFIED of leaving my children, our children, with him.

has the current incident resulted in injury - no
are you very frightened - no
Third question n/a as no do above
do you feel isolated from family and friends - don't really have any. Maybe a bit.
are you feeling depressed or having suicidal thoughts no
have you tried to separate from DH within the past year yes
is there conflict over child contact yes
does DH constantly text call contact follow stalk or harass you he texts a lot, that's it.
are you pregnant or have you recently had a baby within the last 18 months yes
is the abuse happening more often no
does DH try to control everything you do yes
has DH ever used weapons to hurt you no
has DH ever threatened to kill you or someone else no
has DH ever attempted to strangle choke suffocate or drown you no
does DH do things of a sexual nature to make you feel bad yes, sometimes
is there any other person who has threatened you no
do you know if DH has hurt anyone else no
has DH ever mistreated an animal or pet no
are there any financial issues yes
has DH had problems with drugs alcohol or mental health no
has DH ever attempted suicide no
has DH ever broken bail no
has DH ever been in trouble with the police no

So there's what three or four questions that apply?

Yes but pollyanna I am terrified for different reasons than the one you all think

You say you're "not a SS family", OP, but if your DH harms you enough to make your situation public or harms one of the DC you may find yourself a SS family quick as a flash. Police too, perhaps. You have no room for complacency.

And yet you are. Complacent. But although it's your DH who is the abuser, every month you stay in this situation - now you have acknowledged that it is a situation - you, personally, are failing to take the only responsible course of action. Living like this is seriously damaging your DC. Listen to all the posters who have spoken so movingly about the harm this sort of upbringing did them.

It is your decision to stay or to leave. Your poor DC can't leave on their own. You and your DH are grooming them, by example, to grow and have wretched, dysfunctional marriages like yours. Get a grip, ffs.

Having read the whole thread, with particular focus on what OP says, I feel disinclined to bother posting again. I feel fairly strongly that OP is manipulative and self-pitying, is loving the attention but has no real intention of doing anything about the appalling life she's forcing her children to live, and is playing a lot of lovely, supportive posters like a flippin' violinist.

I'm really not Prawn, but saying horrible things about me isn't helpful.

I have tried a thousand times to explain to you all, but everyone just keeps insisting my children are being damaged / hurt / upset. I know that they are not. They do not have an appalling life, they have a life with two parents who adore them, and everything is fine really until ten/eleven o clock and I don't even think I've got the energy to keep explaining.

Other posters have spoken about THEIR upbringings. They are not my children, their parents are not me and DH.

are you very frightened? In your op you said you were "terrified"

do you feel isolated from family and friends you answers Yes. A bit. Previous posts said you used to have friends.

That's seven yes's . Look at the practitioners notes you come under high risk.

Anything I say will be wrong.

If I leave DH he will hate me and he will get revenge on me by telling the children how horrible I am and I will lose them. That is what I'm terrified of, I don't care about anything else. Just them.

Brick wall.

Look Cherry I'm inclined to agree with Prawn and yes I do feel a bit 'played'.

Posters who professionals in this field have told you your children are suffering and you disagree.

Numerous posters have told you about their experiences and you disagree.

You have ignored all the posters who have directly asked what you want to happen

I have offered direct help and you have ignored me.

You say you have been trying to get through to women's aid but can't, I've spoken to them twice in the last week. You won't email them because it's not safe.

My offer of help is still there but really, what do you need?

Restless that's twice you've implied you don't believe I've tried to call them. I have. I'm going to sound horrendously rude now. But I don't feel I can trust you. You don't believe me, I don't know whether it's the times of day I'm calling or what but trust me every time I listen to a pre recorded message and it says to ring 999 if I'm in immediate danger then I have to press 1 to talk to an advisor. Then it goes to voicemail. So no, I don't want you to email for me because that would mean giving out personal information that I don't want to five to someone who doesn't believe me.

I disagree because you're wrong about the children, that's all.

Maybe best wrap the thread up. I didn't come here to anger or annoy people but when people say 'this is how it is' and I KNOW it's not, I am allowed to say that.

And look. You lot don't like me. You think I am self pitying, you think I am whiny, you think I'm just not a nice person. I don't think I can be like that in real life, but maybe that's the real me and maybe the one at fault in this relationship is actually me. In which case the children shouldn't be with me either.

I do really appreciate all the answers but if im making people angry I need to leave the thread. I hope you all have a lovely Christmas and I honestly DO appreciate everything even if I haven't always agreed. X

But he sexually abuses you.

You seem to be rationalising and minimising everything he's doing and you originally asked how to keep you all safe.

You're in denial and not taking any advice on board. You asked for help.

Then let me email for you

m.youtube.com/watch?v=o_4HPIoYhHY

No email then. Tell me what area you are in and I'll give you some phone numbers.

Cherry please don't go. This is all out of concern for you and your children. Of course posters are going to be frustrated, especially the ones that have been through this, the ones who's children are affected, the ones who see that you are trying to put on a brace face. You are allowed to disagree with them of course but this is all coming from a good place, they are trying to help you.

You say we all don't like you. Don't be silly! I keep thinking about you, normally when I'm just trying to get to sleep, your situation enters my mind and I just keep praying that you'll find the strength to go. I have truly seen the devastation that domestic abuse can cause. I won't go into it again but I can say that I continue to be affected by what I saw, as does my brother, in a different way, but he does.

You seem like a wonderful mother, fiercely protective of your children. Every thought you have stems back to them. I know you will take care of them and you know what you have to do.

The seed has been planted in your mind. You know there is a better life waiting for you and you have the strength to seek it out. You know your situation is wrong. You know it. You know it because if you didn't you wouldn't have posted.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas OP. My thoughts will continue to be with you. Please understand all of the messages you are getting are because people are concerned about your family. That's all. I know you can do this. Leaving isn't as bleak as you think it is. It really isn't. There are options available to you.

Oh Restless you're trying hard to help but she's not interested unfortunately.

You know OP we are all busy this time of the year but still taking time to support you because we do care, but if you're gonna be dismissing all the advice then it is better wrap this thread and leave you to it.
Have a lovely Christmas and good luck with the week off at home with him.

Excerpts from your posts Cherry - an extract just from the first 12 pages of this thread. Totally contradictory at every turn. Please read them in detail - you have expressed considerable concerns then refuted them then expressed them again. That means those fears are real:

How on earth can I keep us all safe

I need out, but I am TERRIFIED of leaving my children, our children, with him

But then he gets contact without me being there. It's that I can't cope with, a whole weekend with him and tiny children?

He hurt me last night but is now being mr loving and charming

So EOW and maybe an evening in the week I have to hand over my children to a man who I know favours physical chastisement, has repeatedly refused to let me say no to sex, has done things I can't even go into here.

He doesn't hit the children, I don't let him. It's just without me there I think he would.

Then: He has not, will not, lay a finger on the children. I am not colluding in their abuse. I would not do that.

No, he won't, he's not that violent, honestly - then followed up with - on any number of occasions over the past nearly two decades I have had sex forced on me - then followed up with - No, he won't, he's not that violent, honestly

but more importantly our beautiful beautiful children and I never want to have to explain to them why I didn't act in their best interests.

Your key concern wasn’t that you’d not be believed but that you’d end up with him having access to your DC without your supervision - that’s your main overriding fear.

And yet you tell us your children are safe. And unaffected.

Saying this to you is not being nasty to you OP, no one wants to do that! It's a dose of plain-talking that you need to try and embrace and take on board as difficult as it is.

I agree with Luna.

We're all wasting our time and emotional energy at this stage.

I am not going to leave platitudes about a happy Christmas because we both know that ain't happening.

Just look after yourself and keep your phone charged and with you.

If the worst comes to the worst hide in bathroom and ring 999

Good post typed.

I have read all the posts on here cherry and I just want to say that I feel for you - leaving any relationship is incredibly hard and it takes a long time to get your head round everything that is going on.

Keep thinking, keep communicating, keep going. I have massive respect for you for just getting this far after everything that you've been through.

I really don't think anyone dislikes you or thinks you're self-pitying. If anything, you don't pity yourself enough, because you don't want to admit to yourself how awful your situation is.

There really is no reason to think you will lose your children by leaving your husband. He plainly isn't able to look after them, and if there's a danger that he will try to tell them you're horrible then at best he will get supervised access. What could put you in danger of losing your children, however, is staying with him, because there will be a perception that you are not looking after their welfare. They are bound to be aware of what is happening, even if you don't think so.

Please get some advice from someone who can explain to you how to protect yourself and your children. Please keep trying Women's Aid, and please go to a solicitor specialising in Domestic Violence - it sounds as if you would certainly get Legal Aid. These firms seem to have a number of branches so with any luck there is one reasonably local to you - www.simpsonmillar.co.uk/services/familylaw/domestic-violence-solicitor.aspx and www.slatergordon.co.uk/family-and-personal-matters/domestic-violence/. Or your local Citizens' Advice Bureau could probably give you details of local firms.