Breakdown over third child

[Garion]

Have namechanged for this but been around MN for a while.

DP and I have been together for 20 years, two children together, 18 and 20. Surgically sterilised after second due to medical issues. We started talking three years ago about a third and, until now, we have been on the same page of both wanting another child.

Time is ticking, we are both in our mid-30s. Everything blew up last night, huge row and it seems we don't both want the same thing, and there's a negative financial connotation likely to destroy the loan we were planning to take out early next year for sterilisation reversal on one of our credit files.

We could save the money over the next year or so, but still doesn't resolve the dynamic.

Since the row we've not said a word to each other since. Neither child was home, or yet been home. Christmas parties etc. So they are blissfully unaware.

We have been so happy all these years, been through very tough times, with hardly a cross word ever said. So I'm shell shocked. How do we reconcile this? CAN we reconcile this. Frightened :(

You don't say who wants what. But the yearning for a third child must be very strong if the person who wants it is prepared to undergo the sterilisation reversal and the possible breakdown of the marriage for this.

Can you reconcile it? Yes, but it'll mean one person yielding to what the other one wants. Is that likely to happen? And if the one who doesn't want the child holds firm, the other one (God, this is complicated) has to decide whether that's a deal breaker. It's a lot to lose - twenty years of togetherness.

I think given your ages, the ages of your kids and the fact that you're sterilised, the idea of a 3rd child is really quite crazy. I'd put it to bed if I were you. It will be hugely expensive and emotionally draining and it may not even result in a child.

I think you would be utterly mad to have another now so whoever is against it, I'm on his/her side!

So one of you was sterilised in your teens?!

Why would you want to tie yourself down to a baby again when yr 2 children are on the verge of adulthood & you can regain some freedom. Is there nothing else in yr life?

Does seem odd to take the huge step of sterilisation, have teenage kids and want a baby then get a loan to reverse the sterilisation. Can't quite get my head round it

You need to have a more objective assessment of the situation. If you are mid 30s and we're sterilised after your 2nd (who was born when you were 17) then having it reversed 18 years later (on a loan no less) is crazy, sorry to put it so bluntly. You and dh should enjoy your lives now.

I'm sorry for being vague about who wants what etc., I'm rather worried about being identified irl!

From the discussions over three years the yearning has been really strong. Has to be to include talks of investing £5k into an op that may not be successful and the inherent emotional issues that will inevitably result regardless of successful pregnancy.

We both thought we'd been through very tough times over our younger years and thought we'd be together forever. It's worrying to think this could drive us apart. I firmly don't believe either of us wishes to split. Yet, for one of us, this is a burning desire.

I was a little vague on ages, the female was sterilised in very late teens for medical reasons. While the medical situation isn't resolved, lifelong condition, it's far more stable than it's ever been. The main issue regarding the sterilisation is the decision was effectively taken out of our hands completely.

I'd be very interested in more views from those who think we are mad to even consider this. We don't have many friends and have had really tough times.

I think you are completely nuts to be honest - your children are adults. The idea of throwing 40 years of your life to bringing up children doesn't appeal to me - if you were mid teens when the first was born and will be mid 50's when the (potential) third hits adulthood you will have literally spent most of your life bringing up children.

Without knowing any details I admit, but it looks a bit like you're scratting around for something to fill your life with instead of living it with each other.

I think you would be mad too - the burning desire for a third child will pass.

Put the energy and money into your DC and/or current relationship.

I think it's too large an age gap between siblings and you should think about the impact on the children you already have as the years go by.

I'd be extremely grateful you had 2 children before the forced sterilisation, never mind the risk of the surgery to the female.

I've been sterilised for medical reasons.

I'm only 33.

I've made my peace with it. I can't imagine putting myself and my family through more expense etc for a procedure that might work.

The nappies, the sleepless nights, the toilet training...when you have adult children?

Ugh. No. Fucking. Way.

Reasons against -
You're really young, you could do anything now, and have already had the joy of child rearing
The operation might not work
It's a huge amount of money that could be better spent on something else - study, travel?
It will be physically intrusive and risky for the woman
It is likely to involve artificial hormones which may have an impact on mental health
It will out intolerable pressure on the relationship if it doesn't work
One of the couple doesn't want to do it

Reasons in favour -
Babies are nice? I don't know, can't think of any

I think if the medical reasons that justified sterilising a 19 year old were that strong, it's NEVER EVER going to be a good idea to reverse it and have another one. And then you might not get pregnant naturally. What are you going to do then, fertility treatment will cost £££££. If you've already borrowed for the reversal operation, how are you planning on funding things going forward? Including all the gear a new baby will need. I think you should enjoy your freedom now your children are young adults rather than taking such a risk to health and getting in debt to try for another.

I'd cross my fingers for grandchildren tbh

You have 2 children so you are very fortunate in that.
But that's enough for the planet too. Being how children in the global north consume 200x world resources compared to those in the global south.
Please direct your time & energy productively elsewhere eg fostering children who have no-one

direct your time & energy productively elsewhere eg fostering children who have no-one

^^^This.

There are lots of children who need a home via long term fostering.

I'm guessing the medical condition was gynae?

I suspect your odds of a successful pregnancy is low. And the surgery isn't keyhole either.

I speak as someone who had kids much older than you are now - You're mad. I've never been so tired in the previous 20 years combined, and like you had hard times before so thought it would be a doddle by comparison. Nope! I am old, and feel it. (And probably look it)

If I had kids already no way would I have done it, but I didn't so made my choice.

I am in my 40s and skint , and will be skint in my 50s and 60s too. I don't mind cos I had lots of wild adventures in my 20s and 30s.....but if I hadn't had I would be resentful as there's no way now. And it sounds like you haven't had much freedom in your adult life. You could have it yet, but not with a baby.

The sound of a door creaking shut can be a massive cause of acute broodiness. But it doesn't always make sense.

So you want a big operation. Then you would be at increased risk of ectopic pregnancy, I would imagine, if you even manage to conceive. Higher risk of Down's syndrome - which I do appreciate a lot of people are quite happy to cope with. Would you be?
Then all those nappies, sleepless nights, weaning, all over again. But miles harder to deal with when you are 20 years older, with (or without?) an assisting partner. Being mistaken for granny at the school gate.
Plus the cost of buying all your equipment again.
And all the rules have changed.
Are you prepared to risk your marriage, health and financial stability because you want to snuggle a baby again? Can you borrow one for a weekend? Ideally teething?!
You might not have too long to wait for grandchildren!
As the child of a slightly older parent, I would not wish it on anyone.
It sounds like you have enough to deal with already - this lifelong condition....would the next child get it too?
Is being a parent your sole identity / label? And you are afraid of what you will be if not an active parent any more? You need to look for other 'labels' as well.
I mean this kindly, but seriously - get a dog instead if you want to be a mum and care for something again. (But only if you will be a responsible owner, please.)

All of these 'you're completely mad'
Are a bit weird. Lots of people have babies at that age and it's not throwing away your life . Sorry, not sure that helps op. Does the medical issue mean higher risk and unlikely to be successful? I understand there may be some rains if it was effectively a forced sterilisation - have you been planning towards reversing it for 18 years now? That would be a challenging about turn for whoever is in favour...

We talked about doing a second round of kids in our early/mid 40s but decided to wait for grandkids instead. And frankly a few years later I would now be utterly distraught if I got pregnant.

It's such a huge commitment - financially it'll mean working an extra decade at least effectively robbing us if the first decade of our retirement. And it seemed unfair to have one alone so 2. Etc etc.

I wonder whether, given the age of your children, there is an element of 'empty nest' syndrome in the desire for a third child. You are moving into the next stage of your lives and that can be scary. It is natural to want to cling to what you know - life as parents together.

I think you need to think beyond children for your fulfilment, separately and as a couple. You now have time for your career, hobbies, friendships, supporting your children as adults and time as a couple. Not too shabby, really.

I think you would be mad to start again with having children. I have one and when he was young i wanted another. But now that my ds is 12 yrs old there is no way i would want to go to back to the baby years.

Wow, this is one-sided. I'm not necessarily surprised, and do intend to leave this thread open for the OH to read. Will try to respond!

"Something to fill your lives" - you could well be right. Being parents probably IS our main identity yes. And empty nest worries are definitely prevalent.

We raised the possibility with our two children just under a year ago. Both supportive, and told they could change their mind at anytime. We've always been a family to discuss everything where everyone's opinion matters.

The medical reasons were strong, not gynaecological, but medical advancements over the last 15 years means the risks faced during the last pregnancy would be significantly better controlled and handled. We've been told that any pre-existing conditions wouldn't affect chances of a successful pregnancy. Yes, higher risk of ectopic is correct.

Can categorically 100% state none of our children would inherit the lifelong condition. It has always skipped a generation.

We worked out finances and can afford to birth, support and raise a child. The loan idea was to cut 12 months off the timescale. If we had to save, the operation would simply be 12 months later.

There will be no grandchildren. That said, fostering is something we have thought about in the past. However, we were lead to believe that we needed to own our own , that one of us has a disability would exclude us, that one of us had SS involvement in the past.

We have a dog ;)

Whilst we've been actively talking about this for three years we first discussed it some 10 years ago. It's been on the table, in some degree, for a long time. To be fair, so has fostering until we were shut down.

That was long!!

Give it a decade and you might become grandparents. I understand how completely overwhelming the desire for a baby can be, and it can be hard to think rationally. But if you've spent the vast majority of your relationship bringing up children, you might want to think about the benefits of sharing a bit of child free time with your partner.