Breakdown over third child

[Garion]

Have namechanged for this but been around MN for a while.

DP and I have been together for 20 years, two children together, 18 and 20. Surgically sterilised after second due to medical issues. We started talking three years ago about a third and, until now, we have been on the same page of both wanting another child.

Time is ticking, we are both in our mid-30s. Everything blew up last night, huge row and it seems we don't both want the same thing, and there's a negative financial connotation likely to destroy the loan we were planning to take out early next year for sterilisation reversal on one of our credit files.

We could save the money over the next year or so, but still doesn't resolve the dynamic.

Since the row we've not said a word to each other since. Neither child was home, or yet been home. Christmas parties etc. So they are blissfully unaware.

We have been so happy all these years, been through very tough times, with hardly a cross word ever said. So I'm shell shocked. How do we reconcile this? CAN we reconcile this. Frightened :(

Sorry. Didn't mean to intrude with my questions.

You are having empty nest syndrome.

A baby isn't the cure.

I couldn't imagine raising two kids to adulthood and then starting all over again. Irrespective of my age.

But then I am also creating a list of stuff to do once the kids eff off grow up and they are only 2 and 5!

Also confused by all the 'are you mad?!' comments. I'm pregnant with my second at 36 and in no way think I'm going to be 'mistaken for granny' at the school gates...

That said, the bigger issue is that one of you doesn't want to do it. It's not really something that I think anybody should be talked into, and with the added factor of the risky medical situation I'm not sure I would go ahead.

I went through this when my eldest went to university. I walked down the baby aisle in the supermarket and cried. I just couldn't believe those days had gone so quickly, and that I'd never experience them again. I panicked and started discussing the possibility of another baby. I totally threw myself into it, like a project.

Looking back I'm so glad it didn't happen.

Having said that, I'd be supporting your position if circumstances were different. But to take out a big loan for a medical procedure that may not work, risking your long and happy marriage, and financial security, for the chance of a baby that would never feel like a sibling to your current children, is mad.

Find other ways to fill your lives and concentrate on each other.

O don't think the are you mas comments are because of her age, more the fact she already has grown up kids, has been sterilised and one of the couple don't want to.

I'm 36. I'm pregnant. But I don't have an 18 and a 20 year old. I haven't spent the last 20 years bringing up children. That's the difference and it's a big one. It's not just about age. That's not the reason I think they're bonkers.

And OP, if it's likely one of your children will look to adopt then yes, there will be grandchildren.

At the end of the day you and your spouse have to decide, because no matter what anyone here says, you have a response for.

Many of the congenital disorders that are hereditary, that I've heard of seem to affect males. Females have fewer diseases that are passed on. You are risking creating a new life, with a chance of inheriting the condition. Science has indeed improved, but that child will be the one affected by it.

Whether it will affect their daily life
Whether it is considered a disability
Whether it will be something they have to consider when they grow up and want to have children.

^^ Are all factors to consider. Don't just think about your ability to cope, think about future generations and the possible condition on your child.

Is this child going to be faced with a dilemma when it comes to procreating?
Are they going to have to disclose the condition to a potential partner?
Will it significantly affect their future relationships?

These aren't questions you need to answer here, but points to discuss and think about with your spouse.

The secret of contentment is not getting what you want but in appreciating what you have. I live by this maxim and it has served me well.

It sounds as if, having been immensely fortunate with a good marriage and two DC, one of you (I'm pretty sure it's you) is at risk of laying it all waste for the sake of a somewhat self-absorbed yearning

Could you go for some kind of couples counselling to talk through the issues with someone neutral? You both need to talk about your feelings and differing points of view without it leading to constant arguments.

You need to consider what will happen to the relationship if the one who wants another baby doesn't get their own way or indeed if the one who doesn't want a baby decides to leave if a pregnancy happens.

I think it would be awful to destroy your marriage over a third child that may not happen.

It is up to you what you do with your life op! We are all made differently!
I have grown up children and foster and have just adopted a 2yr old in my 50s , I do not consider myself to be mad and love my life so am finding this thread a bit baffling.
However i do agree that you should not risk your marriage over the issue and need to be on the same page because you have a lot to lose!

Sandy
To say they won't feel like siblings is utterly ridiculous. I have a sister 20 years younger who very much feels like my sister, that depends on the individual.

Op whatever you decide to do I hope it works out for you, I can't offer any advice at all except to say if you're both on board at some point again soon then go for it, you know what it's all about. I wish you well

Really sorry you're in this place at the moment OP

I'm a very similar age to your DC, I'm having my own baby now, can't imagine my own Mum having another and she had her last at 42! Nothing to do with age really, just because I would be so much older than any sibling I'd have now.

What if one of your DC has their own baby relatively soon? Would that feel odd to you, if you had a child that's a similar age?

What if things don't work out? Is it worth putting that much strain on your marriage when you have two lovely DC?

Sounds awful but perhaps you need to fill a void? I know babies are lovely, but they're hard work (and that's before they're even conceived sometimes... TTC is stressful).

I'd keep my fingers crossed for grandchildren

Forgot to add that my siblings are 7,8 and 2.5. They don't feel like siblings at all - more like nieces/nephews.

It's been that way since I was about 16 really.

I wish I had a sister/brother of a similar age... family dynamics changed so much when the eldest of of my little siblings were born

I don't think the age of the older children or any genetic condition is the issue here, the fact is 1 of you wants to try for a 3rd baby and the other doesn't. Yes you may have both been open to the idea in the past but now 1 of you has changed your mind- and definitely has a right to do so. No one should have a child they don't want to for the sake of their partner.
you say this decision could Mark the end of your relationship, is that because the other person would want to seek a new relationship with someone who does want a child?
As someone who does have 3dc then please take it from me be happy with what you already have. I wouldn't be without ds3 but it has put a huge strain on our family life and I wish I'd put more thought into the impact a 3rd child has on everyone.

Our ages don't bother either of us, we certainly have an upper limit (and always have) but have some leeway.

All the responses are really valued. We still haven't spoke.... no idea how this is going to play out.

Just to repeat too - no grandchildren (unless a child adopts).

Could you not adopt? (If you both decide on a 3rd dc that is)
Your chances of getting pregnant after a sterilisation reversal plus your ages is quite low. What happens if you spend all that money and can't conceive? Would you still break up?

We talked about adoption and, for various reasons, think we'd be turned down.

The stance has been, if we tried and were not successful, then at least we still tried.

Lore

...To say they won't feel like siblings is utterly ridiculous.

^^^ I disagree.

It'sobviously a sore point for you, but 19/20 years is a clear generation gap.

20 years is old enough to be your siblings mum or dad with that gap.

One child in Uni and the other has just been born! How can these siblings support each other? Well one can babysit, the other won't have a clue what's going on.

My BIL has children older than his siblings, but that's because his dad remarried and he openly admits he finds it embarrassing, that his dad was having kids at the same time as him.

He's not the only one with this large gap I know and despite loving their much younger siblings, they hate age gap.

Maybe when your 40 and 20 you can be a bit closer, but what has a 25 year old and a 5 year old got in common? It's years before you can have a normal sibling relationship.

You two should do what is in your hearts.

I think that this generation coming up is going to be at a distinct disadvantage economically, and I would tend to not want to further subdivide any possible support/inheritance I might be providing/leaving my kids.

However, I did not have my ability to have children taken away at such a tender age.

Caveat: I am in the US, where the social support system is weaker than it is in the UK, so I feel that I must leave my children a decent inheritance in case things go sideways for them.

It has been years since I felt the longing to have another child, but it is a very compelling thing and I do not blame you for considering pursuing it.

Just to repeat too - no grandchildren (unless a child adopts).

But you've already said that's likely; so it's likely there will be grandchildren.

Sandy
It's not at all a sore point for me, I spend a lot of time with her, always have done, my parents parent her, I don't, I'm just her big sister. You can't make assumptions based on your bil, everyone is different. Maybe HE didn't feel like a sibling, but my other siblings and I certainly do and have from the start. I get what you're saying but you can't apply that to everyone

And in your bil's situation he had ales at had children, presumably didn't live with his dad. Also they're not full siblings, that's totally different. I lived at home for a long time after she was born, we all have the same parents, mother and father. That makes a huge difference, your bil was busy raising his own family so of course he didn't have time to spend being a big brother, my eldest sister is a bit like that with youngest, she didn't have kids before little sis was born but she didn't live at home either so I get what you're saying but please don't try to apply it to everyone

That should say he had already had children

I think your mad.