Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Breakdown over third child

120 replies

Garion · 13/12/2016 18:25

Have namechanged for this but been around MN for a while.

DP and I have been together for 20 years, two children together, 18 and 20. Surgically sterilised after second due to medical issues. We started talking three years ago about a third and, until now, we have been on the same page of both wanting another child.

Time is ticking, we are both in our mid-30s. Everything blew up last night, huge row and it seems we don't both want the same thing, and there's a negative financial connotation likely to destroy the loan we were planning to take out early next year for sterilisation reversal on one of our credit files.

We could save the money over the next year or so, but still doesn't resolve the dynamic.

Since the row we've not said a word to each other since. Neither child was home, or yet been home. Christmas parties etc. So they are blissfully unaware.

We have been so happy all these years, been through very tough times, with hardly a cross word ever said. So I'm shell shocked. How do we reconcile this? CAN we reconcile this. Frightened :(

OP posts:
Nowthereistwo · 13/12/2016 20:19

Can who ever wants the baby identify why they want one.

If it's 'just' the baby stage could they consider trying to fill that need elsewhere? Volunteering, fostering, nursery worker etc.

Are your children likely to have children (grandchildren) in the near future?

Original poster
Garion · 13/12/2016 20:22

No, there will be no grandchildren.

OP posts:
Nowthereistwo · 13/12/2016 20:22

Cross post.

GloriaGaynor · 13/12/2016 20:23

I think you're panicking. You had children so young that your identity is bound up with them, and future without them seems empty. But there are so many exciting options open to you other than having kids. You're both so young you could both train/retrain and start on new careers. Travel the world. Pursuing an extremely expensive and stressful path trying to have another child, which, may not ultimately be successful, may destroy what you have.

GloriaGaynor · 13/12/2016 20:24

Can your children not adopt?

PoldarksBreeches · 13/12/2016 20:31

You wouldn't be rejected from fostering for those reasons. Try a couple of agencies if your local authority said no.

Konyaa · 13/12/2016 20:35

How do your children know that there will be no grandchildren?

Presumably that's exactly what the female here thought at that exact same age - no more kids?

PitilessYank · 13/12/2016 20:35

This thread made me think about how sometimes I want things that I cannot have, or cannot reasonably have, and it is my distance from those things that makes me want them all the more.

If you did not need this surgery in order to hopefully re-gain your fertility, would you try to get pregnant right now? Or would you still need time to consider it?

SassyPants19 · 13/12/2016 20:37

Honestly, to go back to the beginning when you have 18 and 20yr old healthy children...madness. I'm really not sure I could do it. I'd be looking forward to the freedoms that come with older children and getting excited for the adventures on offer. If you are part of what has been a strong loving partnership, I don't think I would let this become a show stopper. If the chances are slim for a successful reversal is the loss of your life together really worth the risk?

Christmassnake · 13/12/2016 20:43

Adopt? Foster?

baconandeggies · 13/12/2016 20:46

Is IVF instead of female sterilisation reversal a better or worse option?

Cricrichan · 13/12/2016 20:46

My only worry would be about the medical condition. Also, is reversal usually successful?

Other than that I don't see an issue with having kids again. You're still young, I had three of mine from mid 30s onwards. We all have our reasons for wanting children and nobody can tell anybody else what they should want. However, you both need to be on the same page. If the other person really doesn't want another child then the person who does will have to put it to bed imo. Not worth throwing away what you have when you already have 2 children.

Hope you can both work it out op, you sound like a lovely family xx

myoriginal3 · 13/12/2016 20:47

Why no grandchildren?
What is the condition that skips a generation?

Original poster
Garion · 13/12/2016 20:51

It's likely one child will look to adopt or foster in the future. I can't identify why there will be no grandchildren as it would clearly identify me. Let's just say it's a fact and has zero chance of ever changing.

Interesting about fostering too. Certainly be interesting to sit down and talk about it.

I think it's rather safe to say if we were using regular contraception then pregnancy would either be underway, or we'd already have a third by now.

That's the crux really, I don't believe either of us wishes to throw the last two decades away. I fucking hope not anyway.

IVF would be an option, but you clearly get "one go". The gynae we saw three years ago suggested reversal the better option due to the females age and other factors.

It's certainly not 100%. Due to length of time sterilised, females age, sperm evaluation the gynae says we'd have a " very reasonable " chance. Whatever the fuck that means...

OP posts:
jultomten · 13/12/2016 20:51

Wow. Can't believe how negative everyone is being..

Op- Many women have children in mid/ late 30ties. If you ( and your partner) want to have an other child or two. Why not?
If it will make you happy, great for you!

But you do need to agree with your partner... unless your willing to go for it on your own.

Original poster
Garion · 13/12/2016 20:52

Myoriginal3 - identifying either would clearly identify me! Sorry!

OP posts:
Newbrummie · 13/12/2016 20:52

Would you consider fostering a baby or helping a teen mom settle into motherhood ? Would that scratch the itch without tearing your marriage apart and all the implications

FourToTheFloor · 13/12/2016 20:56

Would you really risk your marriage for this? Because that's how your OP reads.

And no, with 2 healthy dc and such a gap no way would I go back. Is it because you think you won't have any GC you are considering it?

aforestgrewandgrew · 13/12/2016 21:08

I'm also Confused at the must be mad comments.

The OP is only in her / his mid 30s.

I had my last baby at 38, many of my friends had babies at similar ages

cheekyfunkymonkey · 13/12/2016 21:14

It's hard to see the wood for the trees when you want something really badly. It can feel all or nothing. To whichever of you doesn't want the baby be kind to your partner and accept they will be in mourning for a while. I do think it is crazy to be thinking about another given the circumstances and really crazy to be considering throwing away a good relationship over it. Don't make a rash decisions. Counselling may help work through this? If after that the one who wants the baby still needs to do it then at least that person is walking away from the relationship having tried everything.

SandyY2K · 13/12/2016 21:27

It's not really the OPs age/spouses age, it's more the fact that

• both are no longer on board
• The risk of the surgery to the females
• The reduced risk of conception
• They already have children
• the massive age gap

They won't feel like siblings when they're old enough to be the parentof their little brother /sister.

There's a 19 year age gap between my BIL and his sister. He was often mistaken for her dad and his mum's husband.

A disability does not preclude you from fostering. Dependant on the SS involvement that wouldn't either. There's no harm in making enquires about it with your local Council.

If you didn't have any children, I'd understand the yearning and the risk of a surgery reversal.

FourToTheFloor · 13/12/2016 21:42

I had my last baby at 38 too but for all the reasons Sandy listed I've said no way would I in the OPs scenario.

Ellisandra · 13/12/2016 21:42

I don't agree with the comments about your age, or the sleepless nights - you know what you'd be getting into!

But I'd be concerned about the hereditary condition. "Always skips a generation" sounds very woolly and unscientific. More likely, in the small number of generations that you are aware of - 3, 4? - it happens to have fallen that way.

I am congenitally deaf - my parent is unaffected but my grand and great grand have it. I cannot say that my child would have it but theirs would not, because it always does 2 generations then skips!

For the cost of the reversal, and the risks, and the genetic risks - it would be a no from me.

Original poster
Garion · 13/12/2016 21:55

If the worst did happen, and said medical condition was contracted, it wouldn't be a disaster. It's a very serious condition, but medical advancements mean it is no longer the threat it once was.

We've spoken to consultants about it, genetic checks have been done/are ongoing, and whilst we don't have firm assurances the risk is considered no greater than two parents without the condition. It's been tracked back a fair way too, certainly more than five generations.

OP posts:
Belleblush · 13/12/2016 22:01

Are you nearly 40? There's something about approaching that age which makes us rather frightened - is that what this is? If only one of you wants it then I think there will be problems. But, I know a couple who have children in their late terms and a 2 year old and say it's the best thing that ever happened to them xxx

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.