Breakdown over third child

[Garion]

Have namechanged for this but been around MN for a while.

DP and I have been together for 20 years, two children together, 18 and 20. Surgically sterilised after second due to medical issues. We started talking three years ago about a third and, until now, we have been on the same page of both wanting another child.

Time is ticking, we are both in our mid-30s. Everything blew up last night, huge row and it seems we don't both want the same thing, and there's a negative financial connotation likely to destroy the loan we were planning to take out early next year for sterilisation reversal on one of our credit files.

We could save the money over the next year or so, but still doesn't resolve the dynamic.

Since the row we've not said a word to each other since. Neither child was home, or yet been home. Christmas parties etc. So they are blissfully unaware.

We have been so happy all these years, been through very tough times, with hardly a cross word ever said. So I'm shell shocked. How do we reconcile this? CAN we reconcile this. Frightened :(

Fostering? There are plenty of children in need of a stable loving home.

A few people had missed it Pottering. Also, DD is young, she could well change her mind.

Myself and OH have spent all night talking. One of the things we've definitely decided on is to wait on the outcome of all genetic tests before deciding anything. Also, that neither of us wishes to throw our strong, resilient, relationship down the toilet.

Lots of things to sort, but the person with concerns was able to put their cards on the table. Some are minor, our ages for example, and some major. - effects of pregnancy on the females condition.

This thread has been most helpful in focusing my attention and opening my eyes to various things I'd not considered.

May as well now say I'm the person with the concerns.

And are you the woman? Because that makes a massive difference. If your partner wants you to go through an invasive and risky procedure with no guarantee of success and is giving you a hard time for having doubts - there is a word for men like that. And if you're the man with doubts then you're in a trickier position.

I'm the man.

I joked about grandchildren earlier but actually that's not really fair on your children! I'd say save up for the reversal and see how you both feel when you've got the cash.

Would adoption or fostering be an option ???

Of courses it doesn't make a difference to the central argument which is that both partners must want to try for a child but it's harder to argue against when it's not you who takes the physical risk.

Sorry but why no grandchildren? I'm confused. Have been trying to find a message down the thread where you explained it but can't find anything

I was intentionally vague. There's a genetics issue for both children.

I'm confused to the reasons why the issue suddenly became a problem.

You say there was 3 years of yearning, and that pregnancy risks are not a great concern. No genetic problem with any 3rd child, just with a grandchild which nobody wants to have naturally. Finances seem to be manageable. You're still young enough.

So...... what's the problem exactly? Have I missed it?

If this is true:

We've spoken to consultants about it, genetic checks have been done/are ongoing, and whilst we don't have firm assurances the risk is considered no greater than two parents without the condition

then I'm not convinced that your children definitely won't be able to have children. 'Always skips a generation' is not a scientific claim.

Are you sure you haven't taken a warning by doctors that your children may pass it on and made it into an absolute In the light of the past pattern in your family?

I'm glad the woman is the one who wants this. Because the thought of someone wanting their unconvinced partner to undergo sterilisation reversal, when there were medical indications for the procedure, isn't a happy one.

But I agree with other posters who've said a lot of this is red herringy OP. You'd decided on two, one partner has changed their mind, its ok for the other partner not to go along with that. You don't owe your wife another child. What you do owe her is time to grieve that.

Have to agree with Gloria there

Hopefully you will have a grandchild soon

I'm sorry, but I think it's a crazy idea. Clearly a case of empty nest syndrome, and with such a massive age gap, it could be difficult. My older and younger sister has 16 years between them, and they haven't got a relationship much at all. My older sister kept trying to be a parent to the younger one, fell out with our parents a bit about it, etc etc. I don't think it's a good idea whatsoever. You have adult kids already, hope one of your kids will foster or adopt at some point, and TRY to see if you can foster or adopt an older child. You say you are unlikely to be accepted, but surely it's worth trying?

What is the "yearning" for a child all about though apart from a feeling? What is it about going back to babies and nappies and sleepless nights that is so enticing?
Are you just bored and lacking friends/ social life/ hobbies?
"I really want a baby" wouldn't be enough for me with all our kids leaving/ having left home. I'd be wanting to know what in our life my husband was wanting to fix by having another baby and whether it was just a way of avoiding doing couple stuff with me and playing groundhog day again with no time to think again.
Can't you work with cubs or scouts or something to get your desire to spend more time with kids again out of your system?

Became an issue for me primarily thinking of the ravages of pregnancy on DWs condition, and the impact it had afterwards.

Sorry, I wasn't clear. There are two genetic issues. One is the condition my DW carries, yes it's not scientific fact but between my DW and her siblings there are over 20 children and none has this condition. However, one of these children now has their own child that does. The second genetic issue relates to the ability to have children. Both are under ongoing testing that will likely continue until mid next year when the full picture will become known.

So your objection is the pregnancy and after?

But you said yourself things had improved in the last 18 years and the experience might be better?

Without being thought of as being crass...my ds died when he was 16. Exdh and I had been apart for many years and he had not wanted a third child. I was mid 40's and had the strongest, strongest urge for another child. I even contemplated getting back with exdh in order for this to happen! This primal urge lasted about a year but I knew with my head that it was not the right thing to do, not for the 'right' reasons, it passed and I actually got another dog, a puppy! So I do understand the urge but it doesnt mean it has to be acted on

A bigger issue is who still wants the child, because if the male i.e. you is the one who wants the third child, it's too much of an ask.

I'm going to go against the grain here - I had two children in their teens - all grown up and life w as becoming really easy - but I wanted a third child .. it nearly broke up my marriage as I was willing to leave to have my third child - I was that sure .. we talked lots and found our way - I also had medical issues and was not supposed to have a second child - let alone a third and I was 43 when I had her ..
we have never regretted her for a second - it's brilliant having two grown Ines and a little one .. if this is important to you then I say go for it - life is too short to not go after what you want x

Genetics us a lottery each time. You can have 20 with a condition or 20 without or anything in between. Either you a carrier or not. It us not about "skipping"

And they have Elspeth, but there would still be issues, they would be less prevalent and less severe but it wouldn't be a free pass by any means.

I'm so sorry for your loss, notarehearsal. We've been musing it for three years. I don't think it's an urge.

Sandy, my DW wants the baby, it's me who has the concerns.

Thanks twunting.

Tbh those concerns do not sound severe enough to risk your marriage over?

Why are you freaking out so much?

So there is a condition that your wife and others in her family have, that hasn't been passed on to 20 offspring, but appears to have arisen in a child of one of those 20 offspring.

This condition does not seem to have kept your wife's generation in the family from enjoying life and reproducing; why are your children so dead set against it?

(My own kids are not sure if they want to have kids, for various reasons, and I have no problem with that. It is entirely their choice. I just don't understand the absolutism in your family about this genetic disorder; it doesn't ring true for some reason, no offense.)

If you have any doubts, don't have the baby. It's not worth it when you have two healthy kids.