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Original poster

DH lying about where he is

141 replies

HomeShapedBox · 10/12/2016 18:18

So he's gone out on his works xmas do, told me he was going to town in fact that's a lie, because on Facebook one of the people he's with said they where in the city.

He called me and I asked where he was, he said I'm in the town, I said oh right because according to Facebook you are in the city? Then he told me he was, and that he'd lied

He also told me the a woman from his work (who is known as a homewrecker) is not there. Guess what? Yep she's there alright

So, how do you deal with this type of lying??

He also said "look if you're gonna kick off I'll stay out all weekend"

Raging is an understatement.

Why fucking lie?

OP posts:

uhoh2016 · 11/12/2016 10:53

OP - as I asked earlier in the thread that you didn't answer. If you had known that he was going to the city and this woman you describe as a homewrecker would be there from the start, would you have been bothered?

uhoh2016 · 11/12/2016 10:55

kitty OP clearly does give a shiny shite about this woman or she wouldn't have mentioned as 1 of the reasons as to why she was so mad at him

WannaBe · 11/12/2016 10:59

No good can come of having rows in the heat of the influence of alcohol. And at night emotions are heightened so things are always going to seem worse.

We only have one side of the story here, and the reality here is that given OP's complete flip from "I need help," to "I am raging, the marriage is over, he's all kinds of bastards probably shagging some home wrecking woman and that's it, all over," responses on this thread I can actually see why he might lie - even about being out with a mate, if this is the way his partner responds to him going on a night out.

If someone came on here and said that their husband questions who will be on nights out based on insecurity over the fact that some bloke had had an affair with a married woman, then started raging at her when she got home the advice would be to leave.

But of course on MN someone only has to mention the fact that they're worried about a woman and there will be people to tell her that her fears are obviously justified because she feels them and he is all kinds of bastard, thus enforcing her rage.

The home wrecker comment is unacceptable because it's only possible to wreck a home which wants to be wrecked. By all means have a low opinion of a woman who habitually chases married men, I've met a few in my time, my eXH used to work with one who had had numerous affairs with married/attached men in their office, and opinion of her wasn't exactly great. However, if a man consistently comes on to married women he is branded a sleeze and rightly so, but if a woman consistently comes on to married men she is a home wrecker? As if the men she comes on to are powerless to resist her? What's that about then?

If someone is married and they give in to the charms of the person known to have the reputation for chasing married men/women, then the person in the wrong is the married man/woman. But of course it's deemed ok to ask if a certain woman will be there based on the fact said certain woman has form for having slept with a different married man.....

The OP and her DH need to have an open and honest discussion. But with honesty on both sides. Because it just really doesn't seem that clear-cut from here.

Bluntness100 · 11/12/2016 11:03

I also don't understand the woman thing in this. She had a drunken one night stand with a married man, I fail to see how that means she'd shag any married man and would like to shag the ops husband. The comments on this woman I suspect stem from insecurity. She's a work colleague so expected to be there and you'd expect them to have contact.

I don't know why he lied about his location though. The lies all seem pointless and the only thing I can think of is he does it because he's worried about the reaction he'll get if he is honest.

WannaBe · 11/12/2016 11:07

Well, from what OP said, when he's lied in the past those lies have also been about where he is when he's been out with mates.

If OP gives him a hard time for going out for whatever reason, then perhaps this is the reaction - he doesn't tell her where he is because he doesn't want to be given a hard time over it either before he goes or once he gets back.

fledglingFTB · 11/12/2016 11:08

When you think about it, to tell someone that you don't care about them really is incredibly hurtful. People make mistakes and lie but they can still care. I'm not sure I could get past that sentence myself, it'd make me trust a person less than the lies.

Thattimeofyearagain · 11/12/2016 11:15

Hi op, I'm sure you will do what you thinks best, you know your own marriage.
Best wishes

Purplebluebird · 11/12/2016 11:16

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I don't think this situation can be fixed, please seek legal advice, go speak to CAB and perhaps a free hour with a solicitor if you're able to get that. The comment about not caring about you is just evil, and not forgivable in the slightest. I can completely understand you're angry. Channel that anger to energy for sorting out the situation to the best you can for you and the children.

Bluntness100 · 11/12/2016 11:30

When you think about it, to tell someone that you don't care about them really is incredibly hurtful><

Of course it is, but to be fair we don't know what the op said to him. Last night it was divorce at dawn, and he was told to fuck off even though he came home early. Two sides to that little conversation. I somehow doubt it was unprovoked or the op was in the middle of telling him how much she loved him but disliked the lies.

He shouldn't have lied, but the lies he tells does seem to be about where he is when out with friends or lying about his work colleague being at this Xmas do, so potentially there is a reason behind the behaviour as they are silly lies.

iamamickey · 11/12/2016 11:44

I think OP you need to talk to him. My ex husband was very difficult to talk too and I would have lied about were I was going because I couldn't be doing with the shitty third degree about who would be there and who els would I see. I never cheated on him ever but he was a nightmare making assumptions about what happened on nights out that I began to lie about it. In retrospect it only exacerbated the problem hence the divorce. Could you maybe just talk to him and be 100% open with him because I don't think we are getting the full story here.

HappyJanuary · 11/12/2016 11:59

I'm surprised how many people assume that the poor guy only tells fibs because of his mean wife.

Im also surprised how many people think lies are understandable and forgivable if you fear the other person's response to the truth, it sounds like the excuse given by every liar ever.

uhoh2016 · 11/12/2016 12:16

I don't think anyone thinks his lies are acceptable it's not all but more establishing the reasons behind why he lies. It could be that he is the ultimate cheating twat or that he thinks it's an easier life to tell her what he thinks she wants to hear. Both reasons are actually stupid no one wants to be lied too but could decide on the future of the relationship.
If it's the 1st that he's a cheating twat then of course end of relationship. Or if he's just a bit thick and stupid and thinks these silly lies are easier to say rather than the truth then there's a chance that with some honest talking and possibly counselling the marriage could be saved . He doesn't say stupid lies and can say where he's going and who with and she doesn't fly off the handle assuming all sorts cos they're both on the same page

Bluntness100 · 11/12/2016 12:22

Happy. No one is saying that, not even slightly. It's as uhoh said, it's about trying to understand why he is doing it because the lies all have a theme. They are predominantly about where he is when out with mates or work colleagues or lying about this female work colleague being at the Xmas do. These things are such basic irrelevances that it raises the question on why he does it.

He could be a lying twat who does it for the shits and giggles, or it could be he does it for an easy life as he doesn't want the argument at that point. None of us know. It doesn't mean it's ok he does it, more it's the question of why?

iamamickey · 11/12/2016 12:33

Agree Bluntness and Uhoh.

Following on when he said he hasn't cared for OP for some time he could well be responding to hurtful comments and suspicious questioning. I have been there. It's heartbreaking when the one you love is constantly suspicious and accusatory.

SandyY2K · 11/12/2016 13:27

he is cleaning the house and I'm going back to bed, lots of grovelling and apologies this morning

He still said he hadn't cared about you for a long time, so he can clean the house like Cinderella if he wants, you know what you've had to deal with over the years and in reality, you were right ..... he wouldn't continue to lie to someone he cares about or loves.

jeaux90 · 11/12/2016 18:20

I agree with bluntness. He's either an abominable shite or he stopped telling the truth because it's an eggshell relationship.

Why lie about such trivial shite, city or town, female colleague there or not. Seems pointless to me.

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