My partner spent all our savings

[user1481292639]

My fiancé is terrible with money. He had debts when I met him which he paid off a few years ago when he received some inheritance and I thought that would be the end of it. The rest of the inheritance bought a few luxury items, new car, some of it squandered but hey, it was his money, I couldn't really begrudge a bit of guilt free spending. We agreed to put £10,000 of it into savings to start our mortgage deposit fund. However, a few weeks ago he admitted to me that he has now spent most of the mortgage savings. He couldn't even tell me what on, it's just been pissed up the wall over the last 6 months. I've put my sensible head on and taken control of the finances now as he cannot be trusted. He's agreed that's fine as he has a problem. But I'm still so angry about it!! I'm not working at the moment (I'm at home with baby) so we have no spare money to even begin to make those savings back up. So it will be up to me to save that money myself when I return to work. Which I guess is fine, it will be my house too, I should chip in. But I'm the one now having to bail him out. I've been scrimping and saving my £40 a week housekeeping for our honeymoon fund and had to use it to pay off a payday loan he had outstanding. How would you feel about being in this situation? Would it be make or break? I love him and can't fault him as a father or partner (bar the money issues!!) so have no intention of leaving him. But anyway, what are you opinions? Sorry for long post.

Strangers' opinion? Woman, he has shown you who he is by his actions. You don't want to listen. So I wish you luck, because you're going to need it. Your little fantasy of being married SAHM with nice house is nothing but smoke and mirrors because you're hooked up to a person who will always put himself and his needs first.

Channel your anger towards him. You don't even need anyone's opinion to get rid of him and you don't need to tell us how otherwise lovely, caring, a good partner and father he is. He has pissed up the money which was meant to buy a home for your kids, and hid it from you. That's all the reason you need.

Completely see that this is just one element of your relationship but I just had to add (gobby b!tch) that I felt exactly the same. It was a 'minor' part when everything else was so good, we loved each other, were happy, had fun, future plans etc but honestly all of that will be eroded by money issues in the end. It's not having a lack of money, it's that you are on opposing sides of the team. If you have no money but both of you are working hard and budgeting and saving then that's ok. Of course you wish things were easier but you know you'll get through it. Unfortunately you do not have that security. Even he will probably resent that you made him sell cars/bikes though you are absolutely right that he should do so. Yet the fact he couldn't see that himself just proves the problem. If you'd like, feel free to message me.

You know that pay day loan that he didn't bother paying off with the inheritance?
You know, the one you gave him £2000 to pay off?
Hate to say this but - are you sure he paid it off?

What does he bring to the relationship? He's good with the kids. He helps with the housework. He's a good listener, he works hard to provide for us (although that money means fuck all now), he's generally respectful of my needs (he comes home from a night shift and watches the baby instead of going to bed so I get a couple of hours at the gym for some me time. Sacrifices speed after a night shift so I can nap if I've had a bad night with the kids). We have a really solid relationship. But now I'm not so sure. He's lied to me about his money problems and he could bring us all down with him

He spent a huge inheritance on HIMSELF. Then put 10,000 away for your family because he was burning through it all so fast. Then he spent that. On himself, behind your back.
I don't know any father that would do that to their wife and kids and think it's OK. If you don't care about yourself, what about your kids, he didn't keep a penny for them.

I know you don't know us, nor we you, but how much did he actually inherit? Do you even know? Good luck girl, you must be really upset. I just want to wish you all the best for the future and I hope it all works out for you.

And he's your best friend! You forgot that bit! Ha.

His inheritance was £27,000!

Yes ceramicglass (sorry I don't know how to tag you in this) we are best friends. How did you know? We are the ultimate cliche

it's always the same! Nevermind, carry on

Is it mean to tell him to sod his hobby and sell it anyway to recoup our savings?

No. He can't afford an expensive hobby like that! The money being spent on his 'penis extension' should be going towards replacing the savings.

I think he's got a gambling addiction op or something to that effect.
Or he just thinks his money is his and so what if he's spent it?

I can guess the future here.
You see, he isn't someone who has got himself into a pickle.
He is someone who does not give a flying fuck - you said when he and his mate lived in the house, they just didn't bother paying anything but rent.

People like him, who don't care, actually often make their way easily through life. Happy go lucky... huge debts? Inheritance turns up. Saving for wedding? Don't bother - her parents are paying. More debts? No problem, my girlfriend will pay them off. Whilst she pays for me to go on holiday.

After the stress for you of living with the lies and the reckless spending, and being a parent to him not an equal... this your life:

You'll be left with debts. He'll move on to another woman who bank rolls him, or his parents will bail him out, or he'ill leave it all behind with a DRO.

Funny enough he never went to his parents with any of this because he was ashamed. His sisters have been bailed out time and time again with money problems but he would never ask them for money. But screw him, I told his mum all about it. She's livid with him

Okay, OP, I can see how that might start to mitigate, and it feels nice in the moment, but...

He helps with the housework. He's a good listener, he works hard to provide for us (although that money means fuck all now), he's generally respectful of my needs (he comes home from a night shift and watches the baby instead of going to bed so I get a couple of hours at the gym for some me time. Sacrifices speed after a night shift so I can nap if I've had a bad night with the kids).

Can you eat 'help with the housework'? Will your utility providers accept 'good listening' as payment for your gas and electric usage? Can he pay the council tax by 'parenting the baby while you're at the gym'? Will his sacrificed sleep cover the cost of the bus/train/petrol and parking you use to get to and from work?

It sounds flippant and if it came across as snide I do apologise because that is absolutely not what I mean. I'm trying to point out that these are all nice things that he does, that make zero difference to your ability to acquire the things you and your DCs need on a daily or long-term basis. If there's so little money available to you because of his frittering it away that you have to choose between being able to get to work or badly needed warm winter clothes for your DC, will him simply doing some housework in ANY WAY alleviate that?

You don't know the entirety of our relationship. Just this one snippet of information

It's quite a significant 'snippet of information'.

That could have been an entire deposit, a good one. Now it's just nothing. If YOU had inherited £27000, what would YOU have done with it? Would you consider yourself a good mother if you'd done what he did?

My best friend would never treat me the way he's done you and your family because that would be so disrespectful, dishonest, and not loving.

You see, he isn't someone who has got himself into a pickle. He is someone who does not give a flying fuck

This. People can get into debt due to bad luck then panic and hide it from loved ones. That's not your DP. He is squandered your kids' future without a second thought and only fessed up when the money ran out. And while he was blowing through 27 grand, he was keeping you on £40 a week.

Wake up, OP.

OP 'My partner has lied, got us into debt, squandered money on shit, put our future in jeopardy and relies on everyone else to bail him out. Would this make or break you?
MUMSNET 'Break, run for the hills!
OP 'What colour netting should I use for the sugared almond wedding favours?
MUMSNET 'Aaaaarrrrggggghhhhhhhh!

It could have been an entire deposit had he not had all his previous debt. But I accepted that he accumulated all that before I met him and before he had kids so a large chunk of that had to be used to pay that off. But that was as I thought he had paid all of it off. Christ, why he didn't pay off that payday loan with the inheritance I don't know. That's what fucked us over the most. That's the monthly payment that took us over our bills limit each month, that's the one that will jeopardise our chances of a mortgage. He's made some very poor decisions.

As have you...

My partner has lied, got us into debt, squandered money on shit, put our future in jeopardy and relies on everyone else to bail him out

Actually your partner has systematically stollen from you and your kids over numerous months. I couldn't be with a thief or someone I couldn't trust to put my needs above their own greed.

For not showing him the door?

£27,000!!!!! I think if I were standing up I would've had to sit down.

OP, I've been married to my second husband for just over ten years and he is the very opposite of my ex. If he'd received that amount in inheritance here's what he'd do with it:

-Maximum yearly contribution to each of our retirement funds and the two DCs' college 529 savings plan (we're in the US)
-New roof and a needed front porch repair on the house and a fence in the backyard so DDogs can go out for a poo without having to be on-leash
-Talk to accountant, set aside money to cover any surprise tax bill we'd be hit with as a result of the sudden influx of cash
-Probably one new nice thing for each of us, which if it were to happen right now would be Laptops For Everybody as ours are all fairly decrepit and the newest one is four years old.
-Whatever's left, tbh would probably go to the grocery bill because DS15 has grown three inches in the past year and at six feet he's showing no signs of stopping!

And my DH isn't some unicorn of the best husband ever - he's just your everyday, garden variety, good responsible DH and DDad to my kids who he happily claims as his own - no 'step' about it! Lots and lots of MNers could probably say the same about theirs.

Now when you compare that list up above with what your fiance spent his inheritance on, can you see the differences? Family comes first in our household before wants and funsies like hobbies. It probably feels like we're all standing in a circle shrieking at you, and the difference in priorities between 'normal good husband' and your fiance is why.

It's only the opinion of me, a random off the internet, but yes.

So whatcha gonna do