My partner spent all our savings

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My fiancé is terrible with money. He had debts when I met him which he paid off a few years ago when he received some inheritance and I thought that would be the end of it. The rest of the inheritance bought a few luxury items, new car, some of it squandered but hey, it was his money, I couldn't really begrudge a bit of guilt free spending. We agreed to put £10,000 of it into savings to start our mortgage deposit fund. However, a few weeks ago he admitted to me that he has now spent most of the mortgage savings. He couldn't even tell me what on, it's just been pissed up the wall over the last 6 months. I've put my sensible head on and taken control of the finances now as he cannot be trusted. He's agreed that's fine as he has a problem. But I'm still so angry about it!! I'm not working at the moment (I'm at home with baby) so we have no spare money to even begin to make those savings back up. So it will be up to me to save that money myself when I return to work. Which I guess is fine, it will be my house too, I should chip in. But I'm the one now having to bail him out. I've been scrimping and saving my £40 a week housekeeping for our honeymoon fund and had to use it to pay off a payday loan he had outstanding. How would you feel about being in this situation? Would it be make or break? I love him and can't fault him as a father or partner (bar the money issues!!) so have no intention of leaving him. But anyway, what are you opinions? Sorry for long post.

I can't marry him

I agree with a PP that eventually he will get fed up and will somehow obtain a secret credit card which you will only find out about once he has maxed it out. This, as well as other ways to get easy credit - other loans perhaps.

I know you are balancing it out against him as the person you know and love, but in the end this recklessness will define him - and your relationship.

Ooooooh, can I play "what would my fiancé do with £27K" too?

• buy a £3K mountain bike. Yeah, it's a lot of money but he does some serious stuff on them and pounds per hour of use would be quite low. And that £3K would be an ex demo and only after he'd arranged to trade his current bike

• then he'd take me to our favourite restaurant

• then I expect he'd try to pay my £1K share of our holiday. I'd refuse, but love him for it

• the rest, he'd bank for his two daughters

He wouldn't pay off any debts, because he doesn't have any.

Can't or won't?

eventually he will get fed up and will somehow obtain a secret credit card which you will only find out about once he has maxed it out. This, as well as other ways to get easy credit - other loans perhaps.

THAT yes that.

I'm not sure that a man who thinks that it's reasonable to have a £50/week allowance while his wife and DC have a £40/week allowance, and who has repeatedly lied about £, is actually sleeping in his car while on holiday for a week.

Lots of luck OP.

Won't. 5 months is not long enough to determine whether his cutting back on spending is going to last. And if we got married it would be harder to break away from this mess

Its not like hes done this once, realised hes screwed up and changed. Hes done this multiple times now. His previous debt, the pay day loans, squandering the inheritance. Hes a father and husband with a wife on maternity leave and a wedding coming up and he bought a jag??? That just tells you everything aboutvwhat kind of person he is.

Indeed.
Even if he'd never owed a penny in his life, why would you ever think a decent man would have £50 whilst his girlfriend had £40? even if there were no kids! What kind of arsehole does that?!

It's just that he's an adult and he needs to fix this himself with no help from you. He can still be a good father and partner but he needs to learn responsibilities and not rely on you to sort his mess. It's a really big deal that he pissed up the deposit which you could have bought a home for the kids, regardless of what he did in the past. You can't ignore that. And you shouldn't let it go either. I am sorry that you won't get married but I hope that good things awaits you in the future. It's okay to be upset.

You didn't answer whether you know for a fact that your £2000 was used to totally clear that PDL.

(It's kind of only fair to add that my DH is actually the less financially conservative of the two of us - if I got a wodge of cash like that it'd be retirement and college fund contributions, set-aside for taxes, and the rest would go to a lump-sum payment against the principal of our mortgage which would reduce both the length of time we have to pay AND the total amount of interest paid on the loan. I fully cop to being a total stick in the mud. )

Yes I do know it was used to pay the payday loan off. We have the settlement letter on our notice board in the kitchen and I was next to him when he paid over the phone. No way would I let that one go!!

OP - I know it has to be a wrench, but that is absolutely both a brave decision and the only correct one in terms of what's best for you and DC. Well done you. Listen, you're gonna have to hang in there because one way or another he's going to try to keep his gravy train from coming to an end but be strong b/c you know you're doing the right thing.

Ha ha Trixie. You're my soulmate. I actually am coming into about £20K soon, money owed to me by my XH.
£200 is earmarked to take my BFF out for dinner - this is the very last remnant of divorce and she REALLY was there for me.
The rest? Overpaying my mortgage!

OP, I've mentioned the MSE website. There's a debt free section, and you often read that those who have cutback to pay off debt go on to become savers - they start to get the same emotional kick from saving that they once did from spending. That's what I'd need to see from your boyfriend before even thinking of marrying him!

I hope a happier, more settled future lies ahead for you and your kids. With or without your partner.

Pissed off me wants to go on a shopping spree with the remainder of his savings so he knows how it feels but the sensible me is saying leave it there and try to recoup it

Tell him you did. For a saving account in your name.

That wouldn't teach him how it feels.
To you, you'd have the guilt of the sheer waste, knowing what good the money could have done.
Him - not so much.
He'd just shrug and think "money is there to be spent" (even when it's not actually there!)

It's a mindset, and it's VERY hard t change.

I'm not sure how family court laws work there, but in the same situation over here you unfortunately wouldn't have much ability to recoup unless you were lucky enough to be in a state where if an inheritance received by one party is placed into a joint account, even for one minute, it becomes marital property (not many, IIRC). Of course, that would mean you'd have to have had a joint account and it sounds like yours have been separate all along?

This stinks of a gambling addiction.

Please heed the warnings this man will only start to hide his debts. I spend 17 years with a husband who did this it's a marriage breaker and will cause embarrassment and heartache...my husband got made redundant and out of £17000 redundancy money all we had to show was a second hand car and a new stereo. He was brought up where his father always handled the money and kept his mum short..He never admitted where the rest of his redundancy went and used to just say I don't know he wasn't a drinker nor a gambler and was a hard worker he took that secret to the grave.

Trixie over here it works that a non married girl/boyfriend has just about fuck all rights.
So if he came back tonight and "you know what, I don't need a controlling boring nag who makes me sell my Jag, we're done" then the OP would have just pissed her £2K up a wall.

the OP would have just pissed her £2K up a wall.

Ugh. Then no jury in their right mind would convict.

is actually sleeping in his car while on holiday for a week

I dunno, my ex would have romanticised the whole idea of being free of worldly constraints and slept in his car. And it would mean that he could spend his money on stupid pointless shit instead of, you know, basic human requirements like shelter. Kinda like the op's situation, 3 motorbikes and a jag but no house.