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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Going to the school to see my girls

662 replies

Pisssssedofff · 07/12/2016 13:50

DD2 and DD3 ... The school have told me that they will have to inform ex I am going because they are aware the girls have been staying with him. Despite me having the court order to say they live with me. He's not even on their bloody birth certificates !
That can't be right surely ?
If he's there I'm just going to say hi and walk off ...

OP posts:
WyfOfBathe · 07/12/2016 22:30

OP you're right that the situation isn't all your fault. But part of being an adult is dealing with things which aren't your fault - especially when there are children involved.

I feel like sometimes you're forgetting that you're an adult, and your children are children. They're young and hormonal (and probably slightly insecure from being shipped to someone else whenever you get fed up) and they're going to make mistakes. It's wrong for your child to tell you to fuck off, but at that point you need to be the adult and deal with it appropriately, rather than acting like a teenager as well.

I'm glad you're going to see your GP. You could also see if there's a self-referral service in your area for therapy (e.g. CBT), like Let's Talk in Haringey or Wandsworth IAPT in Wandsworth.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 07/12/2016 22:30

OohhThatsMe Both are right.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 07/12/2016 22:32

Good grief. Poor children.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 07/12/2016 22:34

WyfOfBathe can I just say they haven't been shipped anywhere when I've been fed up, there's been nowhere to ship them and it wasn't my plan when I woke up on Friday morning they wouldn't be at home on Friday night. That's what I object to, they've never really been anywhere except with me or their dad, they don't get shipped.

OP posts:
BumDNC · 07/12/2016 22:37

I was also a horrible teenager and my parents rejection of me led me down a very bad path
But ultimately I was a bad teen because I had bad parents
My DD is following in my footsteps in some way and in a lot of ways it's all my own fault. It's hard to know how to parent when your own example was so shit. But I won't give up on her, or us. I love her so much it hurts. Even when she hurts me and I may hurt her. She's a daddy's girl. I couldn't bear the thought of her leaving no matter what heartache she brings. I've said this time again. You don't seem to have this fire in you to fight for her, you do blame and make excuses. You really need to take a hard look at your true feelings towards her and deal with them

HoridHenryrules · 07/12/2016 22:40

I had the same with my daughter I had to start from scratch with her and build up our mother/daughter relationship. We are a lot closer now than we have ever been. You have to learn to listen to each other and allow one another to talk. No matter how silly it sounds its important to hear her out.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 07/12/2016 22:43

She's been called to account on her behaviour and she's gone running to daddy who instead of backing me up has used the opportunity to renegotiate his divorce financial settlement. - That's the view of a mutual friend.

The why's and what fires I guess don't matter any more. I will put in the application to the court tomorrow and see what shit storm that brings

OP posts:
HoridHenryrules · 07/12/2016 22:45

Is he after all of it what does he hope to gain by dragging you through this process again.

BumDNC · 07/12/2016 22:46

She did not go running to daddy. You called daddy.

Listen to yourself

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 07/12/2016 22:48

There is the question. And you'd have to ask, if he's super dad who wants to save the day why didn't he step in when my eldest DD kicked DD3 ? Surely that was the time. I suspect he a) wasn't with new girlfriend then and b) wasn't about to give me the house at that point, can't remember when it was exactly but I don't think it had all been agreed at that point

OP posts:
Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 07/12/2016 22:49

Who made the call is irrevelant.

OP posts:
HoridHenryrules · 07/12/2016 22:51

Definitely seek some help you need your strength. I had a friend who went through this it weren't over assets it was over the children. It made her crack in the end go and get help so you don't end up cracking and running away.

Montane50 · 07/12/2016 22:51

Thankyou for clarifying and the reply does make sense.
Sadly in the meantime I put your username in the search at the top of the page and read a couple of the various threads you have started. One of particular interest was the one where you wanted to throw your tenant out and live back in the property. I won't repeat what the replies were, but needless to say I cant decide if you have mh issues, or just like to goad other genuinely nice people trying to offer support-sympathy for either tbh.
I will ask one last thing though-did you opt for the jimmy choos or laboutins? You wanted red, and a budget of £500, hope you got sorted x.

BumDNC · 07/12/2016 22:52

No it isn't! She is 12! She isn't your adversary she is your child who was in your care. You had a moment of weakness where you decided he was the better parent and now regret it and are finding any way to shift blame off yourself.

CremeBrulee · 07/12/2016 22:52

No it's because c) you didn't call him and tell him to take her off your hands because you couldn't cope!!

Stop contracting yourself. Own your behaviour.

Ellisandra · 07/12/2016 22:53

So if the police have told you that the £40K Q7 is a civil matter, have you not progressed that through a solicitor and civil route?
If he legally owned the car, it was his to give away. It sounds like he owned it, if you let him take it in the first place. In whose name is the outstanding finance?
Can I hazard a guess that you bought it (on finance in your name) but gave it to him?
So it wasn't morally his to give away, but it was legally?
There used to be quite a thing about non HPI checked cars. Someone would buy one, the first owner would default on the finance, and the new owner would find themselves having the car repossessed by the finance company and little hope of getting their money back. Was the car bought via hire purchase or a different source of finance?

You sound like my sister who has MH issues and for whom small problems spiral out of control. Like your children getting detentions for being late when your car was written off. It sounds like you put all your energy into being aggrieved about the Q7, when you could have put your energy into getting another cheap car.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 07/12/2016 22:55

I'm perfectly entitled to end tenancy 's and move back into my family home and if I want jimmy choo's I'll buy them when my children have equally expensive clothing on thank you very much.

OP posts:
JustSpeakSense · 07/12/2016 22:56

OP you sound a little bit erratic on this thread, and possibly quite volatile in RL.

You effectively kicked your DD out to go and live with her DF, who you say has never wanted them, and has caused them great distress in the past (I don't know why you would send your children to someone like that) And then you stated he could keep them.

Your actions have really damaged your relationship with DD ( & DS who is an innocent victim in all this)

What children need and crave more than anything is unconditional, unwavering love they don't need parents giving up on them.

Please get some help and some support for yourself, your children need better parenting.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 07/12/2016 22:57

I'm not interested in shifting blame I'm really not and I have said repeatedly that I don't think she should be with anyone but her dad unless that's what she wants. Hence I don't think all this leaping into action to solicitors is helpful, I don't. Others have suggested it, I think it'll make matters worse.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 07/12/2016 22:58

My Louboutin Biancas cost more than I would get for my perfectly sound 13 year old Focus by the way.

HoridHenryrules · 07/12/2016 22:59

I think you should have at least phoned to talk to your DD.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 07/12/2016 23:00

Ellisandra - not sure about the legality, finance in both names, car just registered to me. Haven't been down the legal route, too busy with other stuff, was just an example of his twattery causing me and the kids problems. Who gives away a car ! It's actually the second time he's done it but I don't think I'd better go there we'll be here all night

OP posts:
Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 07/12/2016 23:01

HoridHenryrules the girls told my eldest he's removed the phones, DD2 hasn't been on FB since Friday, unheard of

OP posts:
WyfOfBathe · 07/12/2016 23:01

they've never really been anywhere except with me or their dad, they don't get shipped.

I didn't mean you put them on the back of a cargo ship and sent them to China. You sent DD to her dad's because you got fed up of her. You only meant for it to be temporary, I understand that. But you're not doing anything to get her back, even though you think that the person she's staying with is awful.

But even ignoring that bit of my post, the point still stands: You are an adult. She is a child. You're not rivals.

Who made the call is irrevelant.
No it's not. If he had made the call, you would be furious with him. Take some responsibility for your own actions!

You need to make a decision: either go to the courts and get your DDs back, or make the decision that they're better with their dad. Either way, you also need to get some help with the stress, so that you feel better and so that you can think more clearly about the situation.

BumDNC · 07/12/2016 23:01

You could have had your car back for the cost of the shoes

Shoes costing £500
Vs
£40,000 car
Or
Shoes
Vs
Solicitor fees

I know what one I would choose so your priorities are bizarre