Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Going to the school to see my girls

662 replies

Pisssssedofff · 07/12/2016 13:50

DD2 and DD3 ... The school have told me that they will have to inform ex I am going because they are aware the girls have been staying with him. Despite me having the court order to say they live with me. He's not even on their bloody birth certificates !
That can't be right surely ?
If he's there I'm just going to say hi and walk off ...

OP posts:
Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 07/12/2016 20:16

Ok Australia was always happening, it's not a rash threat at all, I was waiting for the eldest's GCSEs to be over, to see if she would indeed get into Oxford. If that was a possibility we'd wait if not monash was the second choice they've known that since we got back, he's known that and signed the permission forms for them to go back

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 07/12/2016 20:17

Do you think every parent sends their child to live with someone else when they misbehave? No. They put proper boundaries and consequences in place. It sounds like you go from blaming one child to blaming another to blaming your ex for everything that happens. It's always highly personal and it's never anything to do with you. Your DD can't possibly feel secure like that.

BumDNC · 07/12/2016 20:18

No no no.
You didn't punish her for her behaviour by calling her dad and I am with him on this - I NEVER punish my kids for something that happened in HIS CARE as it's HIS JOB. Not mine. And vice Versa.

If it was something truely dreadful I would and have invited him round to my house to talk to her TOGETHER about her behaviour. I do not send her to his house for a second verbal pasting. That's so so wrong.

You have let her down. You need to punish at your house with your consequences and you cannot, cannot berate him for not joining in with having a go at her for something that had absolutely nothing to do with him! He wasn't even there!

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 07/12/2016 20:19

Trifleorbust - I put her on the phone to explain herself to her darling daddy - for him to tell her off - the esuclation from there was not expected to say the least

OP posts:
BumDNC · 07/12/2016 20:20

Honestly that's fucked up. This is not co-parenting. Sorry to break it to you

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 07/12/2016 20:21

Apparently so

OP posts:
BumDNC · 07/12/2016 20:21

How has it taken you 16 years to work this out?

HoridHenryrules · 07/12/2016 20:22

Take control back and get your children back and tell her how you feel and what you expect. Tell her you do love her and she shouldn't use language like that it will make her look ugly. You have to get down to her level.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 07/12/2016 20:23

They weren't born 16 years ago shouting fuck you.

OP posts:
Conniedescending · 07/12/2016 20:23

I think you need to leave your daughters with the ex. You sound a little deranged and the hatred u have for your ex is clouding everything - even the wellbeing of your children

Trifleorbust · 07/12/2016 20:24

Evidently. But you are still not understanding why the action was wrong to start with, why it is wrong to just leave them there if you think it isn't best for them, why you are involving solicitors if you do think it is best for them, why it is wrong to threaten your kids with you emigrating - I could go on. You need to take responsibility for your part in these events and deal with them in a way that puts all your children, not your relationship with your ex, first.

TupsNSups · 07/12/2016 20:26

Well I said I wasn't coming back to the Thread but hey ho.

Op 3 weeks ago you were blaming dd1 for everything, she was a horrible person, just wants attention, violent, sweary etc and you wanted to kick her out. Now you have made up with her and it is dd3 who is sweary, just wanting attention etc and you now want to kick her out.

Do you really not see how fucked up this all is? It is not your ex or your kids it is you and you need to get some professional help to sort you out. If you can't help yourself, you can't help your kids.

I am taking what you say about your ex with a pinch of salt tbh, you seem very quick to blame everyone around you for everything bad happening yet taking no responsibility yourself.

Superc3228 · 07/12/2016 20:28

Pisssssedofff this is so sad. Please get help. Your state of mind is crucially important for the welfare of your family. Don't go numb, don't hide, don't run off, you can do this, look at what you've achieved so far. You've already done better than your own mum. Please get yourself some mental health support.
Good luck Cake

LIZS · 07/12/2016 20:31

They weren't born 16 years ago shouting fuck you.

Maybe not, but they've learnt it along the way.

Counselling will help you work through the anger that seems to underpin your relationships at the moment.

jakscrakers · 07/12/2016 20:45

It sounds as though you have tried to be patient and let the storm disperse before she was ready to come home, do not let her decide she's just a child and needs to have boundries, no matter how much you hate putting them in place, it is for both yours and the childrens good in the long run, yes the children do not need to be in and out of court (I myself has been through the mill on that one ugh and finally my daughter was given a choice to do as she wanted and wished when she was 13 and unfortunatly for her father it was to cease contact, he threw the biggest stroppiest fit going with me via email, he would disown her, blah blah blah I told him to keep the door open with emails but he didnt)

You really do need advice from a solicitor on this, you need to be seen putting her interests first, because if not shes going to think you are not fighting for her, no matter what petty stupid squabbles you have. Maybe she needs to be referred to a councillor to talk about how she feels.....

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 07/12/2016 20:48

I don't doubt for a moment that in the medium term counselling wouldn't be helpful, I will look into that.
It's been the fire fighting a long the way that's been the focus of everything. It's not easy to think about the long term when you're trying to solve the immidate where do we live, how do we get to school on time issues and this I guess is where the anger with the ex comes from in that every time I think we are making progress things are settled and moving forward, like sorting the finances which would be a massive weight off. It's back to square one. Is he expecting my stress levels to come down because of this ? I mean claiming I was being investigated by the police ffs, that was a whole day on the phone of wasted energy

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 07/12/2016 20:57

Right,I'm just going to say it now

Fucking sort yourself out!

How would you feel going to Australia on your own?

You can't leave some of your children behind!

You love the drama, I don't think you're over the ex having a fairly new relationship

Your children need security and stability,you're not giving them that

Tbh, I think you'd rather do one and not have them.

You are not holding any responsibility at all !!

I think you need help and quickly and if you are set on moving, I'd wait until you've worked out what you want as this will change everything.

All well an easy saying " they can hop on a plane" but I tell you now I wouldn't after this behaviour

Get yourself sorted woman before you decide something like this

I feel so bad for your children, they have nobody! You and your ex are both to blame and to be perfectly honest, If I was one of your children,I wouldn't want to be with either of you

Take some ownership and responsibility

Get yourself sorted and decide if you want your poor children, I'm not convinced

And a trip to school ( at the last resort as you say) doesn't cut it

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 07/12/2016 20:59

I couldn't give a fuck about his relationship, it's not his first, won't be his last so let's clear that up straight away.

OP posts:
CremeBrulee · 07/12/2016 21:04

OP so many posters have begged you to get help and see your GP. You have ignored every suggestion that you may be unwell. Why won't won't you address this issue?

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 07/12/2016 21:08

How do you know I haven't ? I have an appointment tomorrow at 9.20 so I hope you feel that addresses that. I'm more concerned about the other stuff because that's what I need to talk about it I feel I will literally combust sometimes. Not now, but after walking out of the school today.

OP posts:
CremeBrulee · 07/12/2016 21:10

That's great news OP. Please be open and honest with your GP about your feelings and difficulties.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 07/12/2016 21:13

Of course, I'm not going to waste his time or mine. I wanted anti DS on more than one occasion and have been refused them, equally I do not need the altered brain chemistry because I'm not depressed, fucking pissed off yes but believe me when I say this is nothing a million pounds couldn't fix and 99% of the shit that's happened wouldn't have with a larger bank account but that's life so we are doing the best we can.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 07/12/2016 21:14

But yes free counselling will be most welcomed

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 07/12/2016 21:17

You said up thread that you get loads of maintenance for DD1 so finances can't be all bad.

Glad you have a GP appointment. Medication can help to calm you down so you don't react without thinking it through whilst still being able to function well.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 07/12/2016 21:19

I was perfectly calm, during all of this. I haven't been shouting or ranting at anyone. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction or make a tit of myself in front of the school

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread