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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Going to the school to see my girls

662 replies

Pisssssedofff · 07/12/2016 13:50

DD2 and DD3 ... The school have told me that they will have to inform ex I am going because they are aware the girls have been staying with him. Despite me having the court order to say they live with me. He's not even on their bloody birth certificates !
That can't be right surely ?
If he's there I'm just going to say hi and walk off ...

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 07/12/2016 17:10

This is the same eldest you wanted to move into her own flat (16 years old) a month ago, isn't it, because the younger ones were your priority?

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 07/12/2016 17:11

Trifleorbust - lots has happened since Friday

OP posts:
UnbornMortificado · 07/12/2016 17:12

0300 123 3393

That's the number for MIND a MH charity.

I think it would help you to talk to someone in RL who has experience.

LIZS · 07/12/2016 17:12

Even if angry and frustrated, leaving 2 of her dc to an uncertain future doesn't seem to be the mature and responsible way to go. Parenting goes well beyond that. Dd3 is 12, 12 yos test their parents looking for reassurance and security, not rejection. And dd2 may not want to be in this situation but currently feels more loyalty to her sister because she won't even imagine one day you will just go.

Trifleorbust · 07/12/2016 17:12

I'm sure lots has happened since Friday. Your kids' needs, however, are the same as they were on Friday.

Iamdobby63 · 07/12/2016 17:12

I feel sorry for the new gf not because she now has your kids but because she is with your ex!

Manumission · 07/12/2016 17:13

Well okay, so you're saying domestic stability for DD1 had to be your priority. Especially through her GCSEs (and then A levels?). And you're the only one who can do that for her.

So how about trying to get some agreed contact centre contact with the others? To maintain the relationship and keep an eye. Wouldn't that be a reasonable holding pattern?

And get some support for the strain on you. You can't hold it all together through all these storms indefinitely.

Graphista · 07/12/2016 17:13

I agree I think you MUST see a dr. (Another with mh issues here).

From a look at other threads you seem to deeply resent your eldest, there's violence, chaos, boyfriends taking priorities over the kids, blaming of everyone and everything else for the fact your kids are displaying signs of mh problems themselves.

They need support, stability and security which at the moment you don't seem capable of providing.

Re earlier comment. No not good him going other side of world to his kids but at least at the moment he seems more stable. Plus for the parent who's mostly been the resident parent to do that would be extremely hurtful and would likely appear like a complete rejection of them (the kids).

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 07/12/2016 17:13

I'm just typing rather than talking, there's just me in the kids in the house the last thing I want to do is discuss this in front of DD1 so if you think reporting the thread is helpful it isn't at all

OP posts:
Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 07/12/2016 17:14

Boyfriends taking priority - are fucking joking ?

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 07/12/2016 17:14

I repeat. How do you know your daughters want to stay with their Dad?

Manumission · 07/12/2016 17:15

Manumission well he should have thought about that then shouldn't he before billy big balls stepped in to save the day. I feel quite sorry for her, she's not got kids just cats

Well quite.

I just meant if he's careering from one relationship to another and he's now living in a girlfriend's house (not in his name) he doesn't have much REAL stability.

So maybe you should stay in the country and be on hand.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 07/12/2016 17:15

Iamdobby63 he does some stupid stuff he's not a bad man deep down, just a bit of a twat but if that was a crime the prisons would be full

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 07/12/2016 17:16

I thought if the man was not on the birth certificate he has no parental rights on a legal basis?

Correct me if I'm wrong Confused

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 07/12/2016 17:16

Iamdobby63 that's what they are saying for now, I realise that could change.

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 07/12/2016 17:17

He doesn't sound great from how you have described him. More of a selfish bastard than a twat.

Iamdobby63 · 07/12/2016 17:17

But how do you know that's what they are saying for now? Who told you that?

NotStoppedAllDay · 07/12/2016 17:18

He's removed their phones? They will surely be hating him for that?

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 07/12/2016 17:18

PollytheDolly he doesn't and yet that seems impossible to get through to anyone. It's quite a thing on Mumsnet, call the police, call SS, nobody cares. That's the reality, nobody gives a fuck. £4,000 it cost me last time we got to court and he just gave up and walked away. I'm trying to remove the fuel from the fire by saying good luck crack on you've got my number if you need me - to the kids not him

OP posts:
Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 07/12/2016 17:19

Iamdobby63 the school welfare lady

OP posts:
Graphista · 07/12/2016 17:21

Yes - you seemed to take against your eldest because your ex didn't like her then despite your kids being clearly stressed and insecure there's a number of threads regarding your dating adventures.

I'm a single mum too and have dated various times and had a new partner at one point, but if my daughter was going through a hard time they'd be bumped!

MrsPeelyWally · 07/12/2016 17:23

You are punishing your kids for even thinking they could be happy with him.

Its nothing but spite.

Very much a case of be careful what you wish for - or I'll make sure your wish comes true.

LIZS · 07/12/2016 17:23

But teen girls wont admit they are wrong and come back cap in hand. If that was your message they will interpret it as having washed your hands of them. You have inadvertently prolonged the stand off. Does dd1 stir it up by any chance? She now has you to herself, ds aside after all

Iamdobby63 · 07/12/2016 17:24

Ah ok.

Please don't be resentful of them, they are just kids and there has been a lot going on at home.

One thing you need to be careful of is them picking and choosing who they live with based on discipline being handed out at any given time.

Even if they live with him there is no reason why you can't have visits with them.

Why does DS not want to see him?

Maudlinmaud · 07/12/2016 17:24

I feel so sad for you op. I think this big front is because you are hurting.

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