Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

When you can't be with who you think is the love of your life anymore...

101 replies

SusanDelfino · 07/12/2016 11:34

how do you come back from that? I need the small steps please. At this point I can't stop crying and have no hope of ever being ok again.

OP posts:

Happybunny19 · 07/12/2016 11:49

What happened? How long were you together, why have you split?

Have you got someone close for rl support?

TheNaze73 · 07/12/2016 12:41

As bunny19 has asked, what's the context?

Could be 1001 answers to this

Original poster

SusanDelfino · 07/12/2016 12:59

Sorry, I was away picking the children up from nursery. We were in a relationship for 3.5 years. I was the OW and he was with a long term girlfriend he was struggling to leave for genuine reasons. As he was in the process of making a decision or rather coming to terms with it she has accidentally fallen pregnant. So clearly I need to walk away from this now. He had been my best friend for 8 years before we got involved. I know being the OW is wrong, it's not something I'd ever done before or will do again but walking away from this is leaving me broken nonetheless.

OP posts:

Original poster

SusanDelfino · 07/12/2016 13:00

He is devastated and wants me to stay in his life but I can't do that without hurting myself and everyone else involved even more.

OP posts:

mylifeisamystery · 07/12/2016 13:01

Unfortunately you have to move on.

Original poster

SusanDelfino · 07/12/2016 13:02

I do know that. What I need is practical advice on how to do that.

OP posts:

SomeonesRealName · 07/12/2016 13:02

StarCrossdSkys · 07/12/2016 13:02

He wasn't trying that hard to leave her if he was still shagging her was he? You know you need to forget about him.

Mouikey · 07/12/2016 13:03

Sadly I would suggest that their relationship wasn't as bad as he told you given that she has fallen pregnant.

Give yourself a clean break and time to heal. Every day will feel slightly better (remember when you broke up with your first boyfriend/girlfriend the pain was awful, but you can look back without the pain now)

ElspethFlashman · 07/12/2016 13:05

I presume you have blocked him on tour phone and all apps and FB?

If you haven't, then what is stopping you?

WatchfulOwl · 07/12/2016 13:05

My advice would be to work on raising your self-esteem so you don't allow yourself to be used like this again.

'Accidentally pregnant'

Original poster

SusanDelfino · 07/12/2016 13:06

Their relationship wasn't bad. He never said that. He always said that he loved her as a companion and that they never fought. Her not being horrible was one of the reasons this was all so hard to accept. That sometimes things just aren't right even if the other party hasn't done anything wrong.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 07/12/2016 13:07

Accept that you have been played

When you do that...you will move on.

FannyWisdom · 07/12/2016 13:09

You aren't helping.

Walk away and learn from it.

If he is happy to do this with a lovely wife what would he do to you?
When a man marries his mistress a vacancy is created.

Original poster

SusanDelfino · 07/12/2016 13:11

She's not his wife. He wouldn't have married her. He couldn't make that commitment to her feeling as he did. Not that that matters now.

OP posts:

Original poster

SusanDelfino · 07/12/2016 13:11

And I know I've not been played because I have known this person for a very long time as a flat mate and can read him.

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 07/12/2016 13:12

So he was just living and sleeping with her for many years?

You think it matters that they hadn't cut a cake????

AnyFucker · 07/12/2016 13:13

They will be married within the year

Hermonie2016 · 07/12/2016 13:13

I don't want to be harsh but please accept reality.

He has had a good relationship with her, she is his companion and lover.I doubt they had sex once and she fell pregnant.

Don't feel as if he is a victim, a noble marytr and Mr Nice Guy.He really isn't.
If you were having unprotective sex you should get a check.

He wanted 2 women for a while and now he doesn't.He had chosen to stay with her.

You may feel you love him, but I suspect you don't know the real man.To have such a long term affair he is capable of being very good at deceit.

I think you need to realise you are worth more than this.

ChicRock · 07/12/2016 13:14

It didn't take him 3.5 years to come to terms with anything, or make any kind of decision.

He was with his girlfriend, still having sex with her, and keeping you on the side for when he fancied a bit of variation.

That WAS his decision.

If it wasn't the "accidental pregnancy" then there would have been something else, some other excuse stopping him leaving his girlfriend - because he was never going to.

You want to get over it? Delete and block him from all your social media, delete and block his phone number, delete and block his email address.

Keep busy.

Or you could tell him that you can't live a lie any longer and you're going to tell her everything - you won't see him for dust and I can guarantee he'll still pick her.

The only way he's choosing you is if his girlfriend doesn't give him the choice to pick her.

Maudlinmaud · 07/12/2016 13:15

Oh dear. It doesn't sound like he thought you where the love of his life. If you where nothing would have stood in his way and his gf certainly wouldn't be pregnant.
Hope you can move on, because you deserve better than this.

user1468312467 · 07/12/2016 13:16

Didn't you separate from your husband last year? Apologies for the 'judgy' question, but if this was your motivation for walking it may be clouding your judgement further.

Wolfiefan · 07/12/2016 13:18

He was still having sex with her. He was having sex with you.
Get tested.
Remind yourself that you've lost a lying cheat.

NoelHeadbands · 07/12/2016 13:19

So you were okay with him sleeping with her?

That must have been hard to handle but you managed it. Do the same now

GobblersKnob · 07/12/2016 13:20

What do you do? Listen to the very true words of Mr Minchin, realise he is right and move on, life is too short to hanker over someone who is clearly a bit of a shit.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5