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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When you can't be with who you think is the love of your life anymore...

101 replies

SusanDelfino · 07/12/2016 11:34

how do you come back from that? I need the small steps please. At this point I can't stop crying and have no hope of ever being ok again.

OP posts:
LostMySanityCanIBorrowYours · 07/12/2016 15:05

How did she accidentally get pregnant?

I've never gotten accidentally pregnant to someone I have only platonic feelings for.

OP, in the nicest possible way, this man used you. He wanted to have his cake and eat it to.

You do not live with someone, fuck someone and impregnate someone you don't have romantic feelings for.

gamerchick · 07/12/2016 15:13

Raise the bar OP. When you realise you're worth more than being a dirty litttle secret, you'll be able to see more clearly.

Cut off contact, he's given you an opening to carry on being his bit on the side and while you're still seeing him you'll never find someone who's proud to show you off.

Don't see him anymore and let yourself heal.

HandbagCrazy · 07/12/2016 15:38

Practical steps

  • no contact with him, by email, text, phone or in person
  • do things to distract yourself - work project / go out with friends / visit family
  • make sure you eat, little and often and drink water
  • accept that you're going to feel crap for a while, and he can't help with this
  • STI tests

Longer term, you need to look into why you've accepted this treatment. From the outside, the 'love of your life' kept you waiting in the wings, never let his partner see how deceitful he is, told you he didn't love her enough to marry her but has now happily tied himself to her forever. He was having sex with both of you. He is so selfish he let his partner feel secure enough that they're going to have a family but he doesn't want to commit to her. He is not a good person, and for you to put up with this and not care about his partner, neither are you.
Why did you allow this to happen? Why didn't you back off when the friendship became inappropriate? This is something for you to reflect on and make sure to avoid in future.

Adora10 · 07/12/2016 16:12

He is devastated and wants me to stay in his life

So even now with his partner expecting a baby he still wants to carry on his sordid sex with you on the side and you STILL maintain he's the love of your life...........and, if you are married as has been suggested, you seriously need counselling.

TheNaze73 · 07/12/2016 16:17

adora is right. Listen Op

sweetstemcauli · 07/12/2016 16:36

I think you are a footnote in this guy's history and he had no intention of being with you no matter what he said. Don't dignify the relationship by naming him as the love of your life - aim instead for a real relationship next time and make him a footnote in your life story.

jeaux90 · 07/12/2016 16:40

Ignore the stupidity of people saying this is karma for being the OW etc because we all know that is utter bollox.

I am sorry you have been well and truly played here, that hurts, but the love of your life wouldn't treat you or anyone else like that .

He's being a real nob, you will get over it in time and hopefully meet someone who really can be the love of your life (I am a single mum and I tell my dd she is Grin) xxx

HappyJanuary · 07/12/2016 16:44

His partner has spent the last few years planning a future with a cheating scumbag who lied to her face every single day.

Think about it. She was sleeping with him, cuddling him, making plans with him. All while he was fucking you on the side. What a prince among men eh?

And presumably you wouldn't have given a shit about his partner's unbearable pain if he'd chosen you and left her?

So practical plans, as requested. Stop being a pathetic self-pitying whinyarse, acknowledge that you brought it on yourself, accept that he's an absolute shit of the highest order, block him on everything and move on.

I would add 'tell his partner' so she doesn't waste any more time on him, but it's not a popular view on here.

WappersReturns · 07/12/2016 16:46

He saw her as a companion? Whilst regularly giving her a good porking. That's not my understanding of the word companion Grin

Obviously he didn't enjoy it at all and felt nothing though... You've been had OP.
I'm genuinely sorry you've wasted so long on this tosser.

Tissunnyupnorth · 07/12/2016 17:17

But you haven't answered my question? This time last year you were married with a young child. Does your 'ex DP' also know that this has been going on for several years? Maybe he would have liked to have known so he could also have searched for the love of his life? Are you sure who your youngest child's father is??

I'm sorry if I sound pissed off but I think the level of deceit you have been involved in, including another unsuspecting woman, your DH and your own children is pretty disgusting.

gottariskitforabiscuit · 07/12/2016 17:55

I'm actually amazed at how many people are now feeling sorry for the OP considering if you do a name search you'll see she posted about divorcing her DH (as was already said here aswell quite a number of times too) she said this "relationship" for want of a better word with the love of her life Hmm had been going for 3.5 years !! I wonder if her husband had any idea she was having sex with another man behind his back maybe some sympathy should go too him aswell as the other woman who's now pregnant what the OP & this man has done to them two is disgusting

ZoFloMoFo · 07/12/2016 18:02

No doubt she'll try and rinse her soon to be ex H for every penny for children that might very well not even be his.

jeaux90 · 07/12/2016 18:06

Ffs people. The OP is sad and asking for advice over a messed up situation and yes it's partly of her making but can you show a little compassion??? (Shakes head)

ZoFloMoFo · 07/12/2016 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NerrSnerr · 07/12/2016 18:19

No, not me either. I would have lots of compassion if the partner posted saying how she is pregnant and has found out her husband/ partner has been cheating for years. I have no sympathy for someone who cheats on her husband with a man in a relationship with someone else and even has children with her husband while she is fucking someone else. Why does she deserve any compassion?

gottariskitforabiscuit · 07/12/2016 18:21

Couldn't have said it better myself ZoFlo it's vile what her & the OM has done with children involved it makes it even worse !! @ jeaux90 sorry no compassion over here she's made her bed & now she has to lie in it !!

AnyFucker · 07/12/2016 18:23

Everybody deserves some compassion, even if it is to say "you've been had, now you need to move on"

There is plain talking and there is cruelty. I'd like to think I stay on the right side of that line.

PoldarksBreeches · 07/12/2016 18:30

The way you get over him is by recognising that he is an awful cunt and your 'relationship ' was bullshit
Work on that

DonaldStott · 07/12/2016 18:42

You have been played like a fiddle. He was simultaneously dicking 2 women, spouting lies to you both and you were more than willing to spread your legs, for a morsel of attention from this twat who has been getting his ego and cock stroked for years.

You may not feel it, but you were a convenient hole for him when he fancied a bit of something different.

His poor pregnant partner.

You need to forget this twat.

Work on your self esteem

Block

Move on.

user1479305498 · 07/12/2016 18:47

I think at this point you block contact, play lots of sad music and accept wrong time, wrong place. If it "is to be" he may well be back within a year young babys can break many relationships but be honest with yourself , do you actually want to be with someone who quits when the going gets tough.

wherearemymarbles · 07/12/2016 18:48

karma.
Sad thing is you two probably deserved each other.

Only option is to get over it, accept you didn't know how to read him and move on.

Notwhatiexpected · 07/12/2016 18:48

Oh love,

You must be really hurting, and I sympathise.

However, you thought you could read him?

you were his flat mate, then his bit on the side because he couldn't leave his (I am guessing here, crazy/damaged/needy) girlfriend.

Did you understand him better than she? Did you guys share a special bond?

You read him, the way you hoped to and wanted to, and he read you as a woman who would shag him on the side without any fuss, and then still think of him as a "good guy" when he ditches you for his pregnant partner?

I hope you get angry soon.

anastasiainwonderland · 07/12/2016 20:09

Hey just so you know: we broke up just weeks ago after exactly 3.5 years. Different reasons, obviously, but we had a wedding planned.

I know it hurts. I cried my eyes out, can't cry anymore. We'll be fine. I promise. Be strong

mydietstartsmonday · 07/12/2016 20:15

I am so sorry for you. The mnets Covent will be put in force. You need to accept it is over and go forth. Cold turkey is the only way.

winelover2 · 07/12/2016 20:20

I think that being vicious to the op doesn't help. How people end up in these situations could be simple could be very complicated. Coming to terms with losing someone you thought loved you is hard which ever way you look at it.
Sadly his life is probably not that bad, he may be unable to be with you for many reasons whether they're because he's a good or evil person is irrelevant. He cannot give you what you want, that's what you need to focus on.
That and being kind to yourself, hard as that may seem.
Life is fucking hard and anyone who thinks she's deserving of everything she gets maybe doesn't understand the greater complexities, why would they, we don't know the full story.
Ending up in a stituation like this probably means you don't have the best level of self worth. No one can fix that other than you.
Good luck with getting through this, try to break from the vicious cycle as hard as it seems.