Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When you can't be with who you think is the love of your life anymore...

101 replies

SusanDelfino · 07/12/2016 11:34

how do you come back from that? I need the small steps please. At this point I can't stop crying and have no hope of ever being ok again.

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 07/12/2016 13:30

What an arsehole! Take your rose tinted specs off and see him for what he is. A complete shit who has betrayed his poor unsuspecting girlfriend and fed a whole load of lies to his friend.

I would tell his girlfriend so at least she has the choice to continue a relationship with the cheating scum bag and then I would cut all contact with him and find yourself some real friends and a boyfriend who won't lie and cheat on anyone.

mrssapphirebright · 07/12/2016 13:37

Sorry but if he was the 'love of your life' you would have got together ages ago, you would not have been the OW and he would not have stayed with his gf or got her pregnant.

Detach, delete, block, move on and find a guy who can really be the love of your life OP.

TheNaze73 · 07/12/2016 13:38

You've fallen for the oldest trick in the book OP.

He really has never given a fuck about you. Get yourself an STD check, move on & find a single bloke next time

Original poster
SusanDelfino · 07/12/2016 13:42

Maybe he isn't the love of my life. That doesn't change that at this point in time I'm hurting because I feel he is. I'm accepting responsibility for my part on this mess and that I have created it myself. Still doesn't change the amount of pain I'm in. I have told him that he is not taking responsibility for his actions as that would mean giving his girlfriend the choice whether she still wants to be with him and that by not knowing what's been going on she can't actually give an informed consent to the relationship. He doesn't see it that way and its certainly not my place to tell her. Especially now she's pregnant.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 07/12/2016 13:43

Oh boo hoo, love of your life, haha, don't make me laugh.

You shagged a married man for 3.5 years and didn't give a stuff about his wife so suck it up, this is what happens when you make bad choices, you are now facing those consequences, but, you are an adult I assume and managed to live with the stress of being his bit on the side, I am sure you can manage to leave him and his wife alone now.

FannyWisdom · 07/12/2016 13:43

'He couldn't make that commitment feeling like this about you'

Didn't stop him from fucking her and making a baby though so his feelings and the bollocks he has told you don't matter.

You can moon about thinking this is the love of your life, come back when he has finished using you and we will help put you back together.

Or rip the plaster off and see what a prize prick you are in love with and start building yourself now.

No one will tell you it will all be OK. It won't. He will use up your youth, vitality, enthusiasm but still 'go home' each night.

Do you want a life or your idea of romance?

another20 · 07/12/2016 13:47

Is he the father of your children in nursery? Or has he been involved in their lives over the past 3.5 years?

mistermagpie · 07/12/2016 13:50

He's might be the 'love of your life' but you're not the love of his. He is the love of his own life by the sound of it and you are a poor fool along with his girlfriend.

As other PPs have said, he was nevere ever going to leave her and I'll bet you anything that this baby was no accident either.

Try an summon up some self worth and the respect for his girlfriend that you haven't managed to find so far and walk away. Also have a think about why you thought it was ok to accept this situation for as long as you have done.

Underthemoonlight · 07/12/2016 13:50

You deserve what you got tbh your attitude is appaulling what about his poor gf who is totally unaware and clearly in a happy relationship if she's pregnant they been having a sex life. Youve been played he was never going to choose you, your abit on the side. I think you should really think about your actions being the ow how would you feel if someone treated one of your DC like this when they are older the amount of hurt if this lady finds out due to your selfish actions. The fact that your mother suggests you need to grow up before having boyfriends who actually in other relationships. I hope your DC weren't introduced to this man.

Adora10 · 07/12/2016 13:51

and have no hope of ever being ok again.

Yes you do, you are just wallowing in self pity.

Two lessons to learn from this:

  1. Do not go near taken men
  2. Work on loving yourself because if you were 100% happy and confident in your skin, a married man would not entice you at all, you'd expect more than that from a man.
coldcanary · 07/12/2016 14:00

You get through it in the same way you get through any break up, slowly and painfully one day at a time. Read the thread through every day and realise that as so many have said you've been played. Get an std check and ask yourself if he is really worth all this. Get angry with him for stringing you along, block him and don't engage with any hearts and flowers bollocks he might give you so he can carry on sleeping with you behind his pregnant girlfriends back.
You need to get angry and work on never being in this situation again. No man is worth it.

ZoFloMoFo · 07/12/2016 14:11

You were shagging him for 3.5 years behind your husband's back.

He might have told you he was planning to leave his girlfriend, pity he didn't tell his cock that eh!

The only people I feel sorry for are his girlfriend, your husband and all the kids - which your husband should probably have a DNA test on, he'd undoubtedly want one if he knew what you'd done to him.

NerrSnerr · 07/12/2016 14:17

I would firstly get tested- if he was fucking you behind his partner's back I bet there were others too.

Of course he was never going to leave her, she got accidentally pregnant? How did he accidentally have sex with her? You need to block him on phone, Facebook etc and walk away- she deserves that at least.

Unless he's the father of your nursery aged children? If he isn't how did that work- or were you shagging him behind someone else's back?

gottariskitforabiscuit · 07/12/2016 14:18

Sorry you're feeling shitty OP but some would say that's the karma of being the OW when it all goes to shit... Now you need to accept you was just a bit of fun too him, (Sorry if that sounds harsh) block him on everything, find some self respect, dust yourself off & make sure you never entertain another man who you know is already in a relationship Smile you say you have kids so put all your energy into them & learn to love yourself... Once you love yourself you won't tolerate being anyone's bit on the side Smile

gottariskitforabiscuit · 07/12/2016 14:24

Omfdz this just gets more disgusting by the minute... OP seriously where's your self respect you was married FFS !! (I had no idea until I read ZoFlo's reply after i posted my previous one) smdh nastiness at its finest 😷

Happybunny19 · 07/12/2016 14:29

I'm sorry you are hurting, but you knew what you were getting into and had a choice to continue as his ow, pity his poor partner isn't lucky enough to know just what a cowardly arsehole she's breeding with.

You may currently think he's the love of your life, but clearly that feeling is not reciprocated, no matter what bullshit he's said.

Leave him to live with the mess he's created and stay far away. Never speak to him again, otherwise you'll be sucked straight back in and continue to be hurt. He's a selfish pig who's has his cake for too long. Work on raising your self esteem before getting involved with anyone else and concentrate on your kids.

Take care Flowers

Tissunnyupnorth · 07/12/2016 14:33

Do you also have a partner?

Costacoffeeplease · 07/12/2016 14:34

What a mess. Block him on everything and don't get into this kind of situation again. Cheating on your husband while he cheats on his girlfriend? Nice

Ellisandra · 07/12/2016 14:35

So what were these genuine reasons that made it soooooo hard for him to leave her (just a girlfriend, not a wife, no kids - til now, oooops!) when he was in love with you? Hmm

Just a thought - you know that from her point of view this may well be a much wanted and planned pregnancy?

This man is a liar and a cheat (like you) so you can't really take his little accidental pregnancy story as fact, can you?

You wanted practical tips to move on - stop kidding yourself that he was anything other than a liar and cheat. When you truly accept that, you may well find you don't think you've lost much.

ElspethFlashman · 07/12/2016 14:40

So you were both cheating on your partners?

Honestly I don't know what you want us to say?

If you're looking for practical advise, you've already got it - Block.

If you're looking for sympathy, a board where a lot of women were cheated on, ain't the place.

Original poster
SusanDelfino · 07/12/2016 14:43

I am single

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 07/12/2016 14:47

How long have you been single?

Tissunnyupnorth · 07/12/2016 14:53

But this time last year you were married & considering leaving your DH, even if you did, you had already been cheating on him for two & half years whilst having a child with him??

I'm sorry, but I don't think honesty is your strongest characteristic as how could this guy have been the love of your life whilst you were sleeping with & having a child with somebody else????

NerrSnerr · 07/12/2016 15:00

I don't understand how you think he can be the love of your life who you was with for 3.5 years but you have nursery aged children with another man? I assume you cheated on your husband/ partner too?

My advice is spend some time single while you concentrate on yourself and your children. Get some self respect and have a good think about what a relationship should look like- not with people shagging around.

You should also get STD tested, his partner really needs to know if you've given her something if she is pregnant, that's the least you can do for the poor woman.

FannyWisdom · 07/12/2016 15:04

Forget what's done.
Not that you are innocent but because you will just cause more drama trying to fix it.

Move on.
Just stop indulging for a while..
When you stop being hysterical about him you will see clearly that you are showing your kids some fucked up stuff.
You have to be better about yourself and do this now.

Minimise your impact and withdraw without causing mayhem.

Swipe left for the next trending thread