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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner 'charging' me but still thinks I don't do enough

114 replies

rakingleaves · 06/12/2016 08:27

Hello,

I am going to try to keep it brief!

My 'ex-'partner and I have a two and a half yer old. I moved in with him when our little one was 2 months old.

He has no mortgage and so when I moved in we just split the bills.

As he has three other children living abroad and he has said he didn't want to have to do other full time parenting job I have always taken responsibility for childcare and waking through the night for the last 2.5 years.

I have also cooked every meal for the the household since the beginning in return he tends to do the fixing and mending of things.

When our little one was 6 months old I went back to work and paid for 100% of the costs of a full time nanny. At around this time my 'ex' felt that I should contribute rent as he didn't think my level of support to his new business venture was fullsome enough (despite me being a full time headteacher).

I began paying £500 rent for a room that I share with our son and he paid me back £200 per month.

This went on for a while until last summer he decided he wanted to bring his daughters to the country. I now still cook for everyone, do most of th school runs, pay full time childcare for our son and pay for babysitters when I have after work meetings etc as he doesn't feel able to 'help me' by babysitting (his business is very busy and he has no time).

Last week's news was that now he is paying extras for his school age daughter who is living with us, he no longer thinks it is appropriate to pay me £200 contribution to our son's childcare. (By the way total cost has ranged from £1800 to a more reasonable but still (?!?) £1200 now)

I am here for our child to experience having both parents around but increasingly think I am being a complete idiot. I have lost perspective as I really don't have much time for him now, he says I am selfish and I know if I raise this he will say I am trying to freeload (or words to that effect). Is he right?

OP posts:

ChocoChou · 06/12/2016 08:30

Ooh. I'm sure someone will be along with supportive coherent advice soon but I'll give you my gut reaction: get out now. Sorry OP

pointythings · 06/12/2016 08:30

Nope, this is financial abuse. You need to leave. He is bringing nothing to your life and he is teaching your DS that this is how women are treated. Dump him. You have a decent job, you can afford to make a home for you and your DS without him.

CookieLady · 06/12/2016 08:32

Fucking hell. Leave. That is totally unacceptable.

MoreThanUs · 06/12/2016 08:32

You'd be better of without him.

blueskyinmarch · 06/12/2016 08:32

I think you need to leave him, rent a place for you and your DS and claim child maintenance from him. I do believe you might be better off - in many ways.

BratFarrarsPony · 06/12/2016 08:33

it all sounds a bit messed up.
Why would you have to pay rent?
Why are you living there if he is your ex?
why would him looking after his child be 'babysitting'.
I suggest you move out and find your own place.

mumonashoestring · 06/12/2016 08:34

I have no idea how you've ended up in this utterly weird twilight zone of a relationship but if he's going to insist on reducing everything to financial equivalents, start invoicing him in full for your services as executive chef, cleaner, laundry service, chauffeur and business services support. Add a pension contribution since he insists on treating you like staff rather than an equal.

Or you could just leave, be a great example for your son so he doesn't grow up thinking this shit is normal, and eventually find someone nice to live with

goddessofsmallthings · 06/12/2016 08:34

May I ask why you chose to move in with him and what your dc has gained from living in a home with two disparate people who happen to be his parents?

BabyGanoush · 06/12/2016 08:36

Why live with the ex?!

Move out! Asap

annandale · 06/12/2016 08:36

I think stop worrying what he thinks and do what you think is best for you and your child, since he is denying all parental role for himself. He may well consider you to be freeloading and there's nothing you can do to change that - stop worrying about it. I do note that living with him allows you not to be paying rent or a mortgage so I guess that's what he has in mind. If you can afford to live somewhere else, I would, as at the moment you will just remain involved with his decisions and will react/feel bitter about them.

EvenTheWind · 06/12/2016 08:38

Mmm, yep, leave.

rollonthesummer · 06/12/2016 08:40

Why are you living with your ex?

I struggle with the idea that someone responsible for the wellbeing and education of so many children can think this situation is ok?

Move out now and rent somewhere for the two of you. I don't really understand why you moved in-he sounds dreadful and clearly has no interest in having a family life with you.

MrsBertBibby · 06/12/2016 08:41

Yep, you're an idiot. Move out and start living your life properly. Bet you anything he'll suddenly have all the time in the world for contact, and plenty for lawyers too.

Desmondo2016 · 06/12/2016 08:41

Oh oh please leave! And please keep us updated how this self centred egotistical twallop then managed his daughter and everything else you currently do.

Bluntness100 · 06/12/2016 08:41

This is very strange, he pays nothing towards his own child he has with you? He is really taking advantage, I'm sorry I'd move out, he's treating you like some sort of live in domestic help, one who pays for the privilege.

AntiHop · 06/12/2016 08:42

I think you need some legal advice on getting him to contribute properly to the cost of raising a child.

Also, definitely move out. I think it will be better for your child to live somewhere where you are not taken advantage of.

Even though he owns the house, he's definitely a cocklodger.

rollonthesummer · 06/12/2016 08:43

Why are you paying for a room you share with your son?! You don't share with your partner? Ex?

How can he have a child but not want to be a full time parent again?! Were you in a relationship when you got pregnant?

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 06/12/2016 08:43

Financial abuse. Leave him. This is unbelievably dysfunctional.

Ohdearducks · 06/12/2016 08:47

Leave leave leave! Run! Run like the wind!

NotTheFordType · 06/12/2016 08:52

You've been taken to the cleaners, love.

Is he very manipulative when you raise your concerns? Do you find yourself talked into a corner and end up agreeing with him even though you know he's not right?

EvenTheWind · 06/12/2016 08:54

The "benefit" to your son of living with both parents is outweighed by the fact his dad is an utter arse and doesn't really co parent.

Don't you want your own place and space for you and your son? Your ex can still see him and pay you some damn CM for once,

Original poster

rakingleaves · 06/12/2016 08:56

Yes, I think he is a narcissist who is amazingly loved by his children. Evauae when he is with them he is so attentive. But, yes, I end up agreeing with him and finding myself awful. Ach. So disappointed with myself.

OP posts:

LotsoNumbers · 06/12/2016 08:57

Well he's not really a father is he? What does he contribute to your DS life apart from a begrudging roof over his head?

strongswans · 06/12/2016 08:58

You need to leave this awful situation. Your son won't be getting any benefits from being around a Father who doesn't seem bothered and an unhappy mum. Leave and enjoy your son without this user.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 06/12/2016 08:58

He basically feels he's paying for two nannies, you and the one you employ, and it's too much for diddums. Because that's all he sees you as - a nanny/housekeeper.

You need to move out. This set-up is not enriching you or your son's lives.

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