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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner 'charging' me but still thinks I don't do enough

114 replies

rakingleaves · 06/12/2016 08:27

Hello,

I am going to try to keep it brief!

My 'ex-'partner and I have a two and a half yer old. I moved in with him when our little one was 2 months old.

He has no mortgage and so when I moved in we just split the bills.

As he has three other children living abroad and he has said he didn't want to have to do other full time parenting job I have always taken responsibility for childcare and waking through the night for the last 2.5 years.

I have also cooked every meal for the the household since the beginning in return he tends to do the fixing and mending of things.

When our little one was 6 months old I went back to work and paid for 100% of the costs of a full time nanny. At around this time my 'ex' felt that I should contribute rent as he didn't think my level of support to his new business venture was fullsome enough (despite me being a full time headteacher).

I began paying £500 rent for a room that I share with our son and he paid me back £200 per month.

This went on for a while until last summer he decided he wanted to bring his daughters to the country. I now still cook for everyone, do most of th school runs, pay full time childcare for our son and pay for babysitters when I have after work meetings etc as he doesn't feel able to 'help me' by babysitting (his business is very busy and he has no time).

Last week's news was that now he is paying extras for his school age daughter who is living with us, he no longer thinks it is appropriate to pay me £200 contribution to our son's childcare. (By the way total cost has ranged from £1800 to a more reasonable but still (?!?) £1200 now)

I am here for our child to experience having both parents around but increasingly think I am being a complete idiot. I have lost perspective as I really don't have much time for him now, he says I am selfish and I know if I raise this he will say I am trying to freeload (or words to that effect). Is he right?

OP posts:
ColdFeetinWinter · 06/12/2016 08:59

How nice for your ex. You're a cheap skivvy, cook, cleaner, child minder and you go out to work so you can finance his lifestyle.

pallasathena · 06/12/2016 08:59

Are you really a headteacher? I mean....really?

sofato5miles · 06/12/2016 09:00

Jesus Christ! Please leave. You have the means to support yourself, what on earth is stopping you?

qazxc · 06/12/2016 09:00

No it definitely doesn't sound fair.
It sounds like he taking money from you to fund his business and that you are doing most of the work at home.
Sometimes staying together is not the best thing for you or your child.
It doesn't sound as if you are happy or get anything out of this arrangement.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 06/12/2016 09:02

Can I suggest that you raise the financial issue with him. If he does not show any reason (and by this I mean paying a full one half of all your son's costs and deducting any services from the rent you pay, and requiring you to pay a fair portion of bills only) then leave. But, my suggestion is don't tell him you are going. Make sure the child is in a safe place with adults he knows (so he does not lay any charges of abandonment) and make sure your ex is out. Clear all your belongings from the house and move to an unspecified address. Get legal advice forst regarding your obligations to him / your son and make sure that you follow through. Maybe I am overreacting, but I'm getting some red flags with this one ... Just advice obviously ....

GloriaGaynor · 06/12/2016 09:04

Fuck raising issues with him just leave. This is a form of financial abuse.

You're paying for everything as it is, if you leave at least you won't have to be a skivvy as well.

Casmama · 06/12/2016 09:05

I have no idea why you had a child with a man who didn't want to do a full time parenting job! To make it worse you live with this man and allow him to treat you like an idiot.
You son will become more and more aware that he is ng really wanted by this man as he gets older.
The only way you can rectify this situation is by moving out, reclaiming your self respect and reporting him to the CSA.

mirokarikovo · 06/12/2016 09:08

he's an arse and you should get out. Obviously you already know this.
Next time don't move in with any one you are in a relationship with until you are sure they really want a partnership of equals. And don't use the word Partner of someone who clearly has no interest in partnership.

viques · 06/12/2016 09:12

"I have cooked every meal ......he fixes and mends things'

This statement alone should make you realise how unevenly balanced things have become in your relationship.

Every meal, every day. How often do things get broken in your house?

You are an educated woman, holding down a difficult and demanding job, but I understand that it is sometimes hard to see the wood for the trees, I hope the comments on this thread are opening your eyes to the unfairness of your situation and that for you and your sons sake you take back control and your self esteem.

SestraClone · 06/12/2016 09:13

No, do not "raise issues" with him, just get the fuck out of that house! Your DS is learning a really bad example here, leave now so that he has a chance of being a decent adult one day.

mylittlephoney · 06/12/2016 09:14

OMG leave now. Run to the hills. Controlling twunt. Aghhh it makes me so angry that men do this to women. You are worth far more than the shit he is treating u. Good luck. and (my very first) LTB.

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 06/12/2016 09:15

It sounds as though you are paying for the privilege of being his cook/housekeeper/childminder.

You are obviously intelligent and in other areas of your life, assertive - I think this has crept up on you until suddenly you have found yourself in quicksand and are not sure how to pull free.

Other than your son, you have nothing to tie you to this very selfish man.

DO as others have suggested:
a) charge him for any childminding services you perform for his daughter, and for cooking and cleaning (he probably won't pay you, but it may make him think twice about bullying you).
b) find a home for yourself and your son - even if it is tiny, it will be better than running yourself ragged for someone who doesn't appreciate what you do, and treats you like muck
c) get a maintenance order asap - whether he likes it or not he has a financial responsibility towards his child

If he gets nasty, I think that you would find that there isn't a court in the land (if it came to that) who wouldn't look at him and tell him to get over himself!

Very best of luck, my love.

PeppaIsMyHero · 06/12/2016 09:15

Wow. Please leave. Just think what this is teaching your son about relationships. x

Caipirinha77 · 06/12/2016 09:17

Op this is very bizarre. What did he mean by not wanting to be a "full time" parent?!! It's hardly optional. And why is he charging you money for rent? Is he your ex now?

JustGettingStarted · 06/12/2016 09:17

Since you're already paying for a nanny, I don't see how you'd lose out getting your own place. True, rent will be a bit higher than £500 a month, but you'll have more time to do things for your own child.

He'll be out your rent contribution, bills contributions, and all that cooking and mothering of his other children. Serve him right.

IHateDailyMailJournos · 06/12/2016 09:17

You sound like you've been very passive and accepting of his shitty behaviour. I don't understand why. Is it really worth sacrificing your own happiness so your son can live with his DAd. BTW is he much older than you?

You need to stop being a mug. You already know it's not ok.

(Sorry that I sound 'victim blaming' I know it's to always as straightforward as it seems)

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 06/12/2016 09:17

This is not - and possibly never was - a partnership. It sounds very one sided and I am fairly confident that this is financial abuse.

CocktailQueen · 06/12/2016 09:18

This post has shocked more than most other posts on here.

Leave. See a solicitor. Get him to pay child maintenance. Do the Freedom Programme.

Why on earth did you have a dc with him if he said he didn't want to do another full time parenting job? Why did you agree to pay him rent? Why are you bringing up your child alone? Why are you living with your ex and looking after his children? Shock

Purplebluebird · 06/12/2016 09:18

Run!
You'd be so much better without him, maybe later on you will find a guy who actually genuinely cares about both of you. That would give a much happier childhood for your little one, than the current situation.

YelloDraw · 06/12/2016 09:19

Jesus Christ - you are a head teacher. You are an intelligent, successful person. You do not need to be treated like shit by this man.

Move out.

itsmine · 06/12/2016 09:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bloodyteenagers · 06/12/2016 09:21

Wtf. He has other children living elsewhere so cannot be fucked with the child that actually lives with him?
How sad for that child to have this pathetic excuse of a parent. He needs to grow the fuck up and start taking responsibility.
He isn't ever going to change, I would suggest moving from this toxic environment. It really is no good for your child especially as the step sibling is also in the home, and will be getting full attention from a man who has paid your child minimal attention.

PensionOutOfReach · 06/12/2016 09:21

Well yu already talk about him as being the ex in youR OP. So I will gather that deep down you know he is a crap father, a crap partner and is abusing of your kindness.

Atm he is treating you like a maid, a nanny and a lodger with very little input from him as a father and a partner.

I suspect that you would be much better of, financially, emotionally and time wise if you were on your own.
What is keeping you there?

ravenmum · 06/12/2016 09:22

he has said he didn't want to have to do other full time parenting job
What on earth does he mean? He is a parent, he can't choose not to be one. What if you said you didn't want to parent your son: would he just be given up for adoption? I guess the pregnancy was unexpected? That's the risk you take when you have sex, right?

As long as you don't move to the other side of the country your child will experience having two parents. If and when either of you get a real partner, your son will also experience family life. As opposed to mummy renting a room from daddy.

TwitterQueen1 · 06/12/2016 09:22

Please leave. NOW.

He doesn't care about your or his son. He has said he doesn't want to do the parenting. And his actions all back this up.

You are basically the housekeeper - except you are having to pay for the 'privilege' of looking after him and his children.

Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. The door is that way >.