Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner 'charging' me but still thinks I don't do enough

114 replies

rakingleaves · 06/12/2016 08:27

Hello,

I am going to try to keep it brief!

My 'ex-'partner and I have a two and a half yer old. I moved in with him when our little one was 2 months old.

He has no mortgage and so when I moved in we just split the bills.

As he has three other children living abroad and he has said he didn't want to have to do other full time parenting job I have always taken responsibility for childcare and waking through the night for the last 2.5 years.

I have also cooked every meal for the the household since the beginning in return he tends to do the fixing and mending of things.

When our little one was 6 months old I went back to work and paid for 100% of the costs of a full time nanny. At around this time my 'ex' felt that I should contribute rent as he didn't think my level of support to his new business venture was fullsome enough (despite me being a full time headteacher).

I began paying £500 rent for a room that I share with our son and he paid me back £200 per month.

This went on for a while until last summer he decided he wanted to bring his daughters to the country. I now still cook for everyone, do most of th school runs, pay full time childcare for our son and pay for babysitters when I have after work meetings etc as he doesn't feel able to 'help me' by babysitting (his business is very busy and he has no time).

Last week's news was that now he is paying extras for his school age daughter who is living with us, he no longer thinks it is appropriate to pay me £200 contribution to our son's childcare. (By the way total cost has ranged from £1800 to a more reasonable but still (?!?) £1200 now)

I am here for our child to experience having both parents around but increasingly think I am being a complete idiot. I have lost perspective as I really don't have much time for him now, he says I am selfish and I know if I raise this he will say I am trying to freeload (or words to that effect). Is he right?

OP posts:
Lorelei76 · 06/12/2016 09:23

When you've left, which you will ASAP, you need to think about how you got here or all kinds of people in all walks of life will take you for a mug, you really need to see how you got here.

ravenmum · 06/12/2016 09:23

I am assuming that he is literally your ex partner, and that this arrangement is literally you just renting from him, living in that room with your son, is that right?

Liiinoo · 06/12/2016 09:26

He is mugging you off. Somehow he has manipulated the situation so he has a live-in cook/nanny/housekeeper and you are paying him for those priveliges. He sounds like a crappy dad too. It is no coincidence that he only decided to have his DCs come live with him when you were firmly established as his wee slavey. I bet he'll ship them back quickly enough if you walk away.

itsmine · 06/12/2016 09:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustCallMeDory · 06/12/2016 09:28

I think this is the first time I've ever seen a unanimous MN thread, OP, and that should tell you something.

If you're a full-time head teacher, with a child and running a household almost single-handed, you're clearly an amazing woman! Think of what you do in your professional life, and draw strength from that.

If you're taking care of most of the childcare then how much more work could living apart possibly be?

If you're in separate rooms you've already ended the 'relationship' side of the partnership and the only thing that's keeping you there is your son.

Please believe what everyone else is saying on this thread - it's ultimately going to be so much better for your DS to live in a house with you, and see his father separately where he can enjoy that one-on-one time, rather than growing up in a house where he knows things just aren't right.

Your DS will meet lots of people in his life who are divorced/separated - but he'll find it so difficult as he gets older to cope with the fact that he's living in a house with parents who are actually not together.

I have friends who grew up in this situation and they say they'd have much preferred it if their parents had actually split up properly and lived apart.

Be brave - you can do it!

fleurdelacourt · 06/12/2016 09:29

OP - don't be 'disappointed in yourself' - be disappointed in the man who is your dc's father.

You are clearly an able, professional woman. He is using you as a skivvy and source of funding.

You owe him nothing - move out and get your own place. And then take him to court for the child support that he owes for your dc.

Littleballerina · 06/12/2016 09:29

He's got a good life living with you hasn't he! What do you get from it?
Was it ever good?

ElspethFlashman · 06/12/2016 09:29

Sorry OP, you are being a mug.

His other kids don't live with him and you say he has a good relationship with them. So why do you have to be the fool who thinks he needs to live with his kid? He clearly doesn't.

GrumpyDullard · 06/12/2016 09:30

It's easy to see (from an outsider's perspective) that this is totally screwed up, but you didn't suddenly wake up one morning and think "I'll move in with DC's father, do absolutely everything for him and our child AND pay him for the privilege."
Each step along the way was made with the best intentions for your child but what you've ended up with is really not best for you or your son and I think you can see that now.
After escaping my toxic relationship, I spent quite a long time beating myself up for not seeing what was going on earlier and staying in a totally miserable and fucked up situation for far too long. Oh, the benefit of hindsight! Don't beat yourself up, just get out and be happy! Have a nice life, OP.

ParisTwinMum · 06/12/2016 09:31

Your situation sounds similar to a friends'. My gut feeling is the same as others - get out. From what you have said, you have made concession after concession and can't see any benefits and the more you 'give' the more you question why the hell you are staying. Questioning can led to change if you want it. Its really tough to move out and strike out on your own, especially as a single parent but it sounds like you are strong enough to do this. If you have a support network eg family, I would go for it. Financially, you would pay more in rent but at least you aren't being treated like an unpaid nanny and can start living your own life. Also, regardless of what you decide, keep a record eg your spend on food etc for your son and his daughters and his contribution to date, when you looked after his daughters, with dates. Evidence is a good thing. Good luck.

ReallyTired · 06/12/2016 09:31

What would you think if one of your pupils was growing up in such an environment? It sounds toxic. You can afford to move out and you would be entitled to child maintenance. Even if you lived in a smaller property you would have dignity.

Your ex is financially abusive. He is being financially supported by you. £500 a month for a room is ridiculous. He should be paying more towards childcare and the costs of bringing up a child than £200.

You might consider reducing childcare costs by using a day nursery so that you have more money to rent a small house/ mortgage.

averylongtimeago · 06/12/2016 09:31

So what are you getting out of this?
I can see what your partner is getting, a live in Nanny/housekeeper who pays for the privilege.

I think you know the answer: as a head teacher you won't be on the breadline, your ds is already in day care, get on rightmove right now, rent somewhere and just go!

ravenmum · 06/12/2016 09:32

Yep, don't dwell on how it came to this, just fix it. We all make well-meaning mistakes.

Iamdobby63 · 06/12/2016 09:36

Oh my! Did I read that right, you pay him rent?

How are other things for your son paid, food, clothes etc.?

I would be presenting him with invoices for nanny services for his other children and chef fees and laundry fees.......

CheesyWeez · 06/12/2016 09:37

As a headteacher, would there be any accommodation available for you?

littlesallyracket · 06/12/2016 09:39

This situation is insane and you need to run a mile. Seriously.

This is one of those rare AIBUs where it is very black-and-white! Get out of this set-up as soon as you possibly can. He's controlling your life and your finances and it's completely unfair.

LagunaBubbles · 06/12/2016 09:41

Surely you know this isnt right or healthy either for you or your son?

mellicauli · 06/12/2016 09:42

You need to provide the correct role models for your son: in the ideal partnership both sides would contribute the same amount in terms of work, money and nurture. Both sides should do the same hours work and have the same amount of leisure. In your set up, you are the only person providing all 3 for your child and by the looks of it, a fair amount for his child. It;s probably because you are a really nice person who wants to do the right thing. But he's taken advantage and you need to get out, not only because it will be good for you but also so your son doesn't learn that this is the way things are done.

Imagine how great you'll feel when you are just free to suit you and your son. It will feel like a great weight has been lifted from your shoulders

WouldHave · 06/12/2016 09:42

Does he declare your "rent" for tax purposes? I think it could be interesting to let Inland Revenue know.

JaneAustinAllegro · 06/12/2016 09:42

I'd be seriously inclined to make a claim against the value of the property for the financial and practical contributions that you have made to it - go in hard against this utter, utter tosser. While there are instances in which the type of contribution you've made have resulted in an award of part ownership, I think it's hard to prove however given the nature of the beat that you're dealing with, I'd be inclined to push very very hard

PlumsGalore · 06/12/2016 09:44

So you live with him and have a child with him but he is an ex and you pay £500 a month rent to him of which he gives you £200 back as child maintenance but ants to stop that now as his other child/ren are back living with him.

You do all the domestic work for everyone, even his child/ren that have no connection to you as you as he is an ex?

Seriously, leave with your £500 a month, and get your £200 child maintenance of him. Depending upon where you live that is £700 towards your own place and you only need to do your own domestic stuff.

CheesyWeez · 06/12/2016 09:45

£500 would be enough to get a room in a shared house, even in the south east. You wouldn't be worse off, it's what you're doing now really. And you wouldn't have to do any work for anyone else in the house. He would pay you child support.

You deserve better than this OP

MattBerrysHair · 06/12/2016 09:45

With respect, this is insane! Life will be so much easier if you lived on your own with your ds elsewhere. No more 'housekeeping' duties and you'd get child maintenance. If this man has been able to convince you that this set up is reasonable then it's imperative that you don't raise the subject at all, as the chances of him manipulating you are too high. Just leave.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 06/12/2016 09:46

Move out. Don't talk about it. Don't put it into financial equivalencies (unless you want to leave a bill on the table for the years you have cooked for everyone. Your DS is not benefiting from having a bad flatmate as his example of a parent. Honestly, he isn't. Your DS also isn't benefiting from seeing his DM disrespected every single day. He will absorb that appalling value system. Please leave. Flowers

MattBerrysHair · 06/12/2016 09:47

lived with your ds elsewhere. I realised after posting that it looked like I was saying you should live away from your ds Blush