Partner 'charging' me but still thinks I don't do enough

[rakingleaves]

Hello,

I am going to try to keep it brief!

My 'ex-'partner and I have a two and a half yer old. I moved in with him when our little one was 2 months old.

He has no mortgage and so when I moved in we just split the bills.

As he has three other children living abroad and he has said he didn't want to have to do other full time parenting job I have always taken responsibility for childcare and waking through the night for the last 2.5 years.

I have also cooked every meal for the the household since the beginning in return he tends to do the fixing and mending of things.

When our little one was 6 months old I went back to work and paid for 100% of the costs of a full time nanny. At around this time my 'ex' felt that I should contribute rent as he didn't think my level of support to his new business venture was fullsome enough (despite me being a full time headteacher).

I began paying £500 rent for a room that I share with our son and he paid me back £200 per month.

This went on for a while until last summer he decided he wanted to bring his daughters to the country. I now still cook for everyone, do most of th school runs, pay full time childcare for our son and pay for babysitters when I have after work meetings etc as he doesn't feel able to 'help me' by babysitting (his business is very busy and he has no time).

Last week's news was that now he is paying extras for his school age daughter who is living with us, he no longer thinks it is appropriate to pay me £200 contribution to our son's childcare. (By the way total cost has ranged from £1800 to a more reasonable but still (?!?) £1200 now)

I am here for our child to experience having both parents around but increasingly think I am being a complete idiot. I have lost perspective as I really don't have much time for him now, he says I am selfish and I know if I raise this he will say I am trying to freeload (or words to that effect). Is he right?

I've never said this before. But, your OP is causing me to scream it very loudly. LTB.

Get copies of all relevant financial docs. Details of assets etc. Nothing in this setup is healthy. Do everything by stealth. Keep it close to your chest. Even deal with child maintenance through a third party official. He'll be liable to pay the collection charges. Then just walk out.

To be honest, if he's a "businessman" an you claim CM, he's going to do some creative accounting to show that he has no income, and will pay the bare minimum. I'm guessing the HMRC know nothing of the "rental" income you pay him either.

What virtually EVERY other poster has said already.

And I even agree with the cultural thing as well. We spend too much time tip-toeing around this sort of thing. If somebody is treating a woman like shit, it's not acceptable, and I don't care why (but it does help sometimes to know their reasons).

What on gods green earth is this man contributing to your relationship?
Let me get this right... you are paying him rent to cook clean and bring up his children whilst you are also paying for all your childcare?
You wou be better off financially and emotionally on your own (as you already sound to be) what on earth are you still doing there? Trust me your child will learn nothing good from this set up.
Get yourself your own place and your workload will half. And eventually find someone worthy of you to share your time with.

I expect that, as a HT, you see a lot of children from broken homes, which is why you thought this situation might be better?

But, you've tried it and it has not worked. You're clearly very capable, and there is no shame at all in coping as a lone parent.

I really can't understand why you're even wondering what to do. You're obviously bright and capable, have a good income as a HT. Why on earth would you pay someone to skivy for him?? What is that teaching your child?

How on earth can you do most of the school runs as a HT???

He is a financially abusive arse.

You are simply a cash cow to him. A business proposition to finance his lifestyle as he wishes. Other than that he gives not a shiny shite about you or your child.

It sounds as though you could afford to leave. Surely you would be happier and better off financially by getting out!

Go. ASAP. Your self respect depends on it.

he has said he didn't want to have to do other full time parenting job

^ This

Why have a child if he didn't want to be a parent?

You're best leaving and getting child support from him.

What exactly does he bring to your son's life?

Hi OP, how are you feeling about things today? This thread must have given you food for thought and I hope that in everyone's enthusiasm to give advice we haven't left you feeling bruised.

Let us know how you're doing?

Leave. He is using you in so many ways.