Partner 'charging' me but still thinks I don't do enough

[rakingleaves]

Hello,

I am going to try to keep it brief!

My 'ex-'partner and I have a two and a half yer old. I moved in with him when our little one was 2 months old.

He has no mortgage and so when I moved in we just split the bills.

As he has three other children living abroad and he has said he didn't want to have to do other full time parenting job I have always taken responsibility for childcare and waking through the night for the last 2.5 years.

I have also cooked every meal for the the household since the beginning in return he tends to do the fixing and mending of things.

When our little one was 6 months old I went back to work and paid for 100% of the costs of a full time nanny. At around this time my 'ex' felt that I should contribute rent as he didn't think my level of support to his new business venture was fullsome enough (despite me being a full time headteacher).

I began paying £500 rent for a room that I share with our son and he paid me back £200 per month.

This went on for a while until last summer he decided he wanted to bring his daughters to the country. I now still cook for everyone, do most of th school runs, pay full time childcare for our son and pay for babysitters when I have after work meetings etc as he doesn't feel able to 'help me' by babysitting (his business is very busy and he has no time).

Last week's news was that now he is paying extras for his school age daughter who is living with us, he no longer thinks it is appropriate to pay me £200 contribution to our son's childcare. (By the way total cost has ranged from £1800 to a more reasonable but still (?!?) £1200 now)

I am here for our child to experience having both parents around but increasingly think I am being a complete idiot. I have lost perspective as I really don't have much time for him now, he says I am selfish and I know if I raise this he will say I am trying to freeload (or words to that effect). Is he right?

Have I misunderstood, or do you share your room with your child (but not partner)?

I cannot imagine why you want to live with this man who financially abuses you and has already told you he doesn't want to parent your child. Why is this good for you or your child?

You are financially independent. Get yourself out of there and start living a good life with your son.

Also, OP - your DS is 2.5, and at that age he will adjust to the new situation with a speed which will astonish you.

grumpy excellent post.

OP don't feel bad! You already know what to do. You will be so much better on your own and in time you'll be so much happier!

You are an intelligent person, surely you can see how wrong this is?

You are financially independent, intelligent and worth far more than this kind of life.

Move out, get the finances sorted properly and get on with life as you should be.

He must be amazing in bed, right? Tell me this is so otherwise I cannot see what you are getting out of this.

He's an arsehole but you knew that already, the really curious thing about this set up is why the bloody hell you go along with it. You obviously wouldn't go along with this if it wasn't satisfying some want of yours. Do you want the prentence of a family? Are you afraid of being on your own? Whatever it is, it's the key to disentangling yourself from the situation.

Move out and claim maintenance.

I'm wondering, what do your irl friends think of this man?

He's a bully. What a horrible man. There is no making this right. Just leave. Why have you stayed so long?

Agree with PP - get out fast.

Just out of interest, have you got an inset day today, OP?

I suspect each of his requirements sounded reasonable at first in isolation but when you put them all together you begin to see just how unfair and unreasonable he is being. You have slipped into a very messed up situation probably without realising it.

You are paying him for the privilege of being the live-in housekeeper. So he gets all the benefits and you pay the price - emotionally, physically and mentally.

If his business is so busy who is going to look after his DC when you go?
I doubt your life will be harder when you leave, it will probably get easier.
Please leave and go to the CMS for maintenance.

I can't understand why you would stay to be a cash-cow and a skivvy.

I'm imagining your "partner's" business as dodgy - charging the local council 0000's to home people in vile temporary hostels, or telling old people that they have won the Nigerian lottery but they have to give over bank details and pay to have the funds released.

What makes him such a good role model that you feel duty bound to stay?

Move out and get rid of this utter selfish amoeba!

Then claim child maintenance.

Get out now. You are being used in a most vile way. Why on earth would an intelligent woman allow herself to be treated like this for over 2 years?

Have you told any of your family and friends the situation you are in?

You need to get out. Quickly. He's treating you as a skivvy and charging you for the pleasure. What if he meets someone? You'll be out on your ear without a moments notice. Do it on your own terms. Take control of yours and your sons life.

Ha ha ha. What a tosser.

I've never said this to anyone before on MN (been here over 11 years) but leave.

Get out now. This guy is a complete waste of space.

I'm at this

OP - what are you doing? Bless you! Sounds like you will be so much better off, mentally and financially I think, if you leave. You deserve better. He is mugging you off immensely

Definitely leave as soon as you can.

In the meantime, tell the ex that either you're a tenant or a housekeeper. If the former, then you pay rent, he pays maintenance and you don't scivvy for the household. If the latter, you don't pay rent and/or he pays you to housekeep. He can't have it both ways.

In a few months time your son will be entitled to 15 hours of free nursery. Have you considered looking for a headship in a different part of the country? In my town, just outside London you could rent a nice 2 bed flat for £900. Slightly further north or in a coastal town you could buy or rent an entire house for the same amount.

There are schools crying out for good headteachers all over the country.

Come to Cheshire.

You can rent a 3 bed semi here, in a decent area with good schools for what you are giving him for one room. And you wont be the hired help.

To the poster who asked about what your RL friends think? I bet you don't have time for RL friends any more do you?

I have been here 10 years and have never advised anyone to LTB but I am now.

Good luck.

So you aren't married and you rent a place rather than either of you own one? In some ways that makes it simpler. I was married and earned more so on divorce had to pay out a small fortune to my ex who earned less. You won't have that.

It is up to you want you think is fine.

I am afraid and I may be being racist here but I immediately thought - ah this man is from some dodgy sexist culture from abroad and wants to impose the sexist principles of him homeland on as British head teacher who is being mug enough to accept it. Loverboy should be doing his share of child care, cleaning and all the rest.

Now someone will tell me he's Swedish and a feminist........

How do you do the school run if you work full time? How old is your child? Sorry if I'm being slow!

Leave leave leave , and make him pay child support hes taking you for a mug

You could solve this virtually INSTANTLY. Find rental, move out, claim maintenance. It is THAT simple.