Feeling very hurt at being snubbed by friend, please hand hold!

[maggiethemagpie]

I've been friends with someone for about 12 years, not super close but definitely friends, I thought. She lives only up the road from me.

We both got pregnant at the same time time around 3 years ago and had little girls, so did end up spending time together on mat leave and then when I went back to work, maybe not so much but at least every few months or so. when I got married last year she played at the wedding reception, came on hen do etc.

It was her daughter's birthday last week and I've been invited to the past two parties so was surprised she didn't mention it but presumed maybe she was going away or seeing family or something.

I've just found out on facebook that she had a big party at her house (only a few miles away) and invited loads of other mums.

I'm really hurt - feel a bit betrayed actually. We're not super close friends, and sometimes I've felt like we're not as close now as in the past but I thought we were still friends and we have a lot of shared history and daughters of a similar age.

Is this her way of telling me she doesn't want to be friends do you think?

I'm feeling like curling up into a ball and shutting the world away right now.

I don't want to speak to her or see her ever again so please don't suggest I get in touch to discuss this. I've just taken her number out of my phone in a fit of pique (?) although husband still has it in his so it's more of a statement to myself than anything.

How the hell do I deal with this?

For the life of me I can't see what your friend has done wrong.

Are you really going to fall out over a 3yo's party?

Maybe her dd chose who she wanted to attend.

Maybe your friend suggested your dd and her dd said no.

Maybe the fact that you went camping instead of having a party meant she thought that the ridiculous cycle of reciprocal parties had been broken (by you).

Maybe she saw you camping with a different crowd and thought that she should try to develop some different friendships.

Maybe she bloody loves camping and was hurt you didn't invite her.

Maybe her life has changed and you're still an important old friend but she doesn't necessarily think you have to attend every children's party she ever throws until they're 18.

It is interesting that you think you couldn't possibly have upset her over the camping because there were good reasons for your decisions. Well, maybe she thinks the same - that she's got good reasons and why on earth would you be offended.

Now you're so upset that you're deliberating about whether to go ahead with your traditional mince pie party at all, whether to invite her, whether to put pictures on fb because you want to be the bigger person. Because her kid didn't invite your kid to a party. You sound like hard work to me.

At 3, my kids' parties were no longer about MY friends, but it was to have a kids party.

Many (most) of my good friends were not invited to my DSs 3rd, 4th etc birthday parties! I just got 7 or 8 kids from playgroup together.

To me kids parties are a chore, so I would have been surprised if any grown ups would have felt "hurt" at lack of invite!

Agree with pp that by three it becomes more about playgroup friends than adult friends. I can sense how hurt you are op from your posts... but I really think you are over thinking this!

I think you are completely overreacting. You have to have a fairly huge ego to think that the FB comments were to have a go at you.

I understand you are hurt but it isn't all about you - if you are this high maintenance in RL, I can see why she may want to cool things.

And please don't put that comment on FB asking her why your DD wasn't invited - you will look ridiculous.

I understand that Babyganoush, and if our daughters were not the same age, played together and had until now attended each others parties I would understand that. For example I don't invite my good friend who doesn't have children to my kids parties.

I guess it's just a departure from what I saw as the norm.

Interestingly I have another friend with a daughter the same age and i wasn't invited to her dd's party this year, or last year.

But i wasn't offended in the slightest. I think she invites maybe family and some friends who are closer, which i am fine with I know I am not her closest friend nor do I want to be.

But with this friend it has really upset me which I think indicates that it's more about the friendship than the situation IYSWIM

Anyway I'm not going to do anything rash, I'll leave any decisions on mince pie party but may just put a general fb invite out and then see if she responds.

I'm not going to get into tit for tat because quite frankly it's childish and i can't be bothered. I was upset last night so probably wasn't thinking ever so rationally.

livia please read my post, i think i said i never thought the fb post was written with me in mind, just that it indicated this was not a 'random mums of dd's friends from playgroup' type of party more a party of her 'mum friends'

You're completely overreacting. Is there a reason? (Low self esteem/problems with friendships in the past etc??). I feel exhausted just thinking about how much careful handling you must need if this is a typical response.

Of course the 'good friends' comment doesn't mean she thinks anyone not invited isn't in the 'good friends' category. I suspect she just had limited numbers & her dd has better friends than your dd.

I'd carry on your relationship as normal with her (monthly visits) but look at joining some other groups or do something for yourself if possible so you're too busy to feel snubbed by someone you see occasionally.

Maybe the "great friends" was a reference to her daughter's great friends? Who knows. People put all sorts of stuff on Facebook without really giving it the same amount of thought as, say, the Lord Chamberlein making an proclamation on behalf of the Queen.

Be careful you're not projecting this stuff on to your DD. I noticed you said up the thread that she would have lovecti have attended a party this weekend. My 4 year old and 2 year olds love parties but they also love soft play and going to the park etc just as much. It's normal not to be invited to parties (most of which very little children will never know about unless parents mention it to them) and it's really important to teach emotional resilience about this now

I don't agree you sound like hard work.

But hey, keep it light, don't feel hurt by anything or anybody. Bcs that needy. Pffft.

Feelings are obviously fine but it's right to examine them to determine how to react to them.

I am going to add an alternative suggestion. To play at someone's wedding is a very 'close' thing to do, so maybe she felt hurt that she was not invited on the camping outing evenif it was for very close friends (im assuming she wasn't paid for playing - if she was that's slightly different!). I realise it wasn't like that - but it may have seemed that way to her.
So maybe she has felt the other way round - that you don't value the friendship as much as she does.
Anyway, commiserations - it can be incredibly hurtful when you think a friend has left you out - but in the long run scheme if it's just a one off, maybe worth maintaining the friendship on a casual level.

I am probably am hard work with this friend due to the history.

I know I am not hard work in other friendships, where things don't seem to affect me as much.

Ciutadella yes she played a fairly major role in the wedding, went dress shopping with me and played instrument during the ceremony.

She was not my maid of honour/ hen organiser , but as my maid of honour lives in another country she was the one who played the biggest role locally.

No, she was not paid - and to the poster upthread I bought her a gift to say thank you and a card.

Well said Gobbolino that's what mumsnet is for I learn so much from this forum!

You're really overreacting here! I used to always invite my friends and their kids to every kids party, Halloween, my birthday etc. Then as they grew, the kids decided who to invite and then as they became so big and the families grew, I would invite different friends to different things when it involved kids because the parties were getting ridiculously big. For adults, I don't mind inviting everyone but can't do everyone with kids anymore.

To me this seems to be an issue with either your daughter or your parenting op. You seem to have done a lot of adult things together, wedding related things, dinner, party etc but you had to initiate a reciprocal play date and now the lack of invite of your dd to her dd's party so to me it can only be that your dd's don't get on as well you you thought or she doesn't like your parenting. Neither of those are necessarily bad things, it was her dd's party not hers so I think you are taking it too personally in that regard.

I had a similar friendship, I cooled it because while our dd's were friends my friends lack of discipline to her kids drove me insane, I still like her, she is lovely in fact and I like to meet her for coffee without the kids but she is just too lax with the kids so we can be friends without them but with them just doesn't work for me.

So I think it has to be her dd's feeling towards your dd or maybe your parenting, neither are necessarily how she feels about you personally though. It is possible to be friends with someone and not involve the kids

It sounds like a combination of, not going camping with you, her DD didn't mention your DD's name for the invites and the fact that conversations between the both of you are difficult.

I think as a last attempt of keeping the friendship going, I would ask her to meet up on a one to one basis, so if she wanted to keep the friendship going she'd be less likely to decline.

Maggie in that case I'm sorry there's something for me to have picked up on. I've been there and can honestly say that the best thing you can do is 1) not compromise yourself (i.e.; if you would typically invite x,y and z to the mince pie event, then still invite x,y & z) but 2) if your friend has proven that she doesn't hold you in as high regard, then ensure you aren't wasting time and energy into being "best" friends with her. You can still maintain a friendship, there's no need for a blow out or conversation but if you just alter your perception of the friendship, you can retain it and not drive yourself crazy/keep getting upset due to emotional investment that isn't likely to be reciprocated.

It's horrible when friendships go wrong. I had a friend for twenty years who dropped me when I said she'd upset me. I tried to explain why I was distressed and then carried on as normal but nothing. Twenty years gone because for the first time I'd actually said please don't do that.

Posts like good times with great friends is modern crap along the lines of #blessed shite.

Op, do you always panic and over think things. This is what is coming across.

All that you have mentioned has been what she has done for you and benefited you. What have done that has benefited her? The role she played at your wedding is huge and I think you should have invited her to camping trip.

I am amazed that you want to be close friends but keep your distance at the same time.
Why do you think the friendship hasn't developed all these years to being really close?

I don't think you should be in a friendship you don't feel comfortable. It's just not worth it.

agreed goady I don't think I should either. I guess we're just not meant to be good friends which is fine, I have plenty of other friends. And I have done plenty for her over the years but didn't list them as it wasn't really relevant. it's just hard when you go back years, but I guess knowing someone a long time doesn't mean you should be/stay friends.

The camping trip was more husband's friends and coincided with DDs b day. it would not have been right to invite her.

This particular friend makes me feel insecure and rejected whereas other friends don't.

so I think it's more about the friendship between us than it is about me generally.

As you say, if it makes me feel uncomfortable maybe time to walk away.

I would be hurt by this too, OP. This is why I think facebook can be as much about disconnecting people as connecting them! IMO, it's ill bred to trumpet to your entire social circle about what a good time you've had with a selection of them - someone is bound to feel as if they would have liked to have been there, which is not a nice feeling.

I wouldn't make the mince pie thing a general invite because it's nice to be properly invited to something like that. People need to feel wanted and the last thing you need just now is poor numbers because no one realised it was important to you that they came!

If being distanced didn't bother you then you could continue the friendship on a different footing. But it does bother you (naturally) so I think you're right to drop the 'friendship' - just do it in a way that leaves them in acquaintance territory so seeing them around is not a bother.

FWIW, my young children don't get to decide to exclude people from parties. Their social circle is partly ours and we don't drop/exclude family friends on the whim of a three or five year old. They can have who they want but don't get to have only who they want. Life's not like that.

Am I missing something? Surely you just invite your DD's friends to a party and not people who are your friends?

I think you should chill out a bit, OP.

This particular friend makes me feel insecure and rejected whereas other friends don't. People who love you and like you make you feel welcome and comfortable. You don't have to compete for their affection. Being friends with someone is not different to what you would have wanted in a partner. They should always make you feel comfortable. If you are not, the relationship becomes imbalanced. In this case you are the one looking up to her. I don't think anyone wants to be in your position. Keep friends who appreciate you.

What do you gain from being friends with her?

What do you gain from being friends with her

I'm beginning to think, not all that much!

I just feel she's not really bothered either way, doesn't hate me or can't stand to be around me, but then again isn't interested in making much of an effort.

The most apt word I can think of is dismissive. Like I'm a bit of an afterthought. We used to hang out more both individually and as a family, but it does seem to have petered out. Last year, she went through a phase of being very lax responding to messages and the like, so I went quiet for a bit but then she picked up the reigns and initiated contact so it's not like she wants (or wanted) a total out. Just general can't-be-botheredyness which makes me feel like she doesn't value the friendship.

In the past when my self esteem was a lot lower (and when she knew me back in the 'old days' I would have accepted that as all I was worth, but I've done a lot of work on myself and feel like I'm worth more, so I'm going to just leave things for a bit now.

I think also, it feels like a rejection of my daughter as well as me. I'm probably projecting now. My daughter has no awareness that there even was a party, but I feel like in not inviting her it's giving her the same brush off as I've had... if that makes any sense.