Feeling very hurt at being snubbed by friend, please hand hold!

[maggiethemagpie]

I've been friends with someone for about 12 years, not super close but definitely friends, I thought. She lives only up the road from me.

We both got pregnant at the same time time around 3 years ago and had little girls, so did end up spending time together on mat leave and then when I went back to work, maybe not so much but at least every few months or so. when I got married last year she played at the wedding reception, came on hen do etc.

It was her daughter's birthday last week and I've been invited to the past two parties so was surprised she didn't mention it but presumed maybe she was going away or seeing family or something.

I've just found out on facebook that she had a big party at her house (only a few miles away) and invited loads of other mums.

I'm really hurt - feel a bit betrayed actually. We're not super close friends, and sometimes I've felt like we're not as close now as in the past but I thought we were still friends and we have a lot of shared history and daughters of a similar age.

Is this her way of telling me she doesn't want to be friends do you think?

I'm feeling like curling up into a ball and shutting the world away right now.

I don't want to speak to her or see her ever again so please don't suggest I get in touch to discuss this. I've just taken her number out of my phone in a fit of pique (?) although husband still has it in his so it's more of a statement to myself than anything.

How the hell do I deal with this?

I think probably the best thing is not to do anything rash (I've learned this the hard way over the years) and just hold back a little and see how long it takes her to get in touch. That'll be the acid test.

We are planning on having a mince pie party in a couple of weeks (we do every year) and she came last year, this year I'm not sure if she's away or not but I'm sorely tempted not to invite her. I just don't feel like inviting someone who doesn't feel the need to invite me.

I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt, OP. I would let it go, though, as no good can come from confronting her about why a party invitation did not come your way.

For those who say their child chose who came at 3 - did you say 'do you want to invite X? And what about X?' or did you literally say 'who do you want to invite' and let them answer?

As in the first scenario, obviously the mum has a lot of influence over who gets invited!

I know you're right GinandTunic

And I'm aware that sending any such message just makes me look dickish and needy and, if she doesn't want to be friends will just confirm that decision for her.

She can still be your friend-it's not compulsory that your daughters are friends though.

OMG - I'm having a similar situation but am in that party giver's mother's role. Have an AIBU thread

In my situation, I didn't invite someone whom
I was cooling a friendship with. I do t think that's the situation here. However, there is a limit as to how many can be invited and I wanted to return hospitality to people who had invited our DC to their parties. Plus, DS had started pre-school and had friends he wanted to invite. I suspect it will be as simple as the last reason

You really do need to get over it and carry on as usual. It's a kids party, your children aren't close, she simply didn't think to invite you and yours. Also initiating a play date at hers seems rather odd.

*play date at hers which i initiated as my daughter had been asking after hers

If you initiated it, why wasn't it at yours?*

Roll on, it wasn't at mine as I'd had the previous one at mine so she offered to make lunch.

I said we were I inviting x people as they had invited DS to their parties and that was kind and he could have 3 people from pre-school as unfortunately we couldn't invite everyone this year but next year we would have a whole class party when we knew everyone a bit better.

I also explained that there would be parties that DS wouldn't be invited to

I'm going to be blunt here because you are obviously struggling and honesty is best.

Your "friend" is ghosting you. She must want out of the friendship for some reason (you will probably never know why, and shouldn't ask - there will be no pleasant answer and you'll just make her uncomfortable and yourself upset).

She obviously feels like she can't come out and say to your face that she doesn't want to hang out any more, so she's decided to just ignore you exist.

Putting the pics on Facebook, knowing you could see them, was probably a way of letting you know what the situation was.

If friendships break down, it's like a relationship - usually one person is more upset than the other and doesn't understand why. You're not a bad person, she must just feel that you've grown apart or are incompatible. Just find a new friend and move on.

Do not send any passive-aggressive messages or questions - this was not a mistake and a passive-aggressive message is hardly likely to make her want to get in touch again, is it? It's more likely to make her tell all her pals that you're a crazy lady.

Sorry it happened to you - I've ghosted friends and been ghosted. It's cowardly, immature and very hurtful. You don't need someone like that in your life.

You initiated the play date for the girls. Have you considered perhaps her DD isn't as fond of your DD as yours is if hers? She might really like you but her DD said "I don't want little Maggie at my party". Parent/child friendships aren't mutually inclusive.

I can understand why you're hurt, but please don't ask her about it. It will make things very awkward. I would give it a few weeks and see if she gets in touch. I'd maybe try and arrange one more get together but if she didn't actively arrange anything herself after that I'd let the friendship slide. Ime it's hard to keep a friendship going if the major thing you had in common is same aged children, and then those children grow apart, go to different care provider etc.

Personally I find it hard to find time to see my closest friends let alone anyone else.

Gobbolino I'd be interested to read your thread, what's the title?

This friend can wax and wane, in some ways we are quite close, eg went wedding shopping together but I've always felt there's a bit of a limit - which is fine, it's mutual, I don't want to be best buddy friends either and I certainly have other friends I'm closer to.

But this does feel like a snub, more than it's just that her daughter has other friends she sees more. If her child was, say 5 and never saw my daughter it would make more sense.

If I was having a party at home for my daughter's birthday I'd definitely invite hers, no question.
Maybe we have just grown apart over the years, but I thought we'd at least still see each other at family and kids parties.

But maybe this is a big sign that actually, she is cooling things and I'm not sure I feel like investing any energy in trying to stop that if that's how she feels. It's sad, but if it's time to move on so be it.

I'll wait to see how long it takes her to get in touch I think. If it's not for ages, or at all, well... that's my answer.

But your mince pie party is an adult party (I assume)? So why wouldn't you invite your friend.

You're really conflating the two things here and seeing this as a rejection of you. It's not

On of our very good friend couples has children quite a bit older than ours. They kindly invited our children to their children's parties when they were little and our two older children were babies. Our oldest is just 4 and their youngest is now 6. I haven't kicked off when our 3 weren't invited to their youngest's climbing wall party as they Arab now inviting their school friends and having parties doing activities that ours couldn't manage - as it should be!

The fact that you'd hosted the last play date and you had to bring up the idea of another, makes me think she is trying to cool the friendship.

It could be any number of things-
She doesn't rate the friendship as much as you.
She's very busy.
Her child isn't that keen on yours.
She forgot to invite you.
She figures that her child didn't go to a party for your child that she didn't need to invite you.
The people invited all knew each other better.

Etc etc.

Thanks for your post Kirsty in my heart of hearts that's what I think is happening, but then I doubt myself.. so it's good to hear someone else give it to me straight.

Yes, if she wanted me there she would have invited me

And posting saying 'great day with great friends....' I'm not for one minute saying she posted that with me in mind, but I think it does say that this was not just a party of her kids friends with random mums (like when they are school age) but a party of her mum friends, which I no longer am it would seem.

Gobbolino six is very different to three, I have a five year old son no way would I invite her child to one of his parties for example.

And also please see reference to her fb post about 'great day with great friends'

I'm not very sure what "ghosting" is but why is it cowardly to cool a friendship with someone? . There's no obligation to be friends with someone.

I have 3 DCs aged 4 and under and a million things to do (like everyone). I'm very selective about who I spend my precious free time with and my DCs have preferences about who they would like to play with etc. There's no obligation to meet up with people. Nor should people not be able to put things up on Facebook if they want. I often see that friend have met up without us and we meet up with friends without other friends - it doesn't mean we don't like them and vice versa. In fact, I'm babysitting tonight for one lot of friends who are going out with another couple whom they met via DH and me.

Honestly - I think you're reading too much into this. She didn't say "great day with ALL OF MY great friends". Then you might feel a bit upset if you define yourself as a "great friend". Just because you weren't there doesn't mean your not a very good friend.

In fact, I've just looked on Facebook and seen that my friend (whom I'm baby sitting for) has just posted a picture saying "great food with great friends". By your reckoning, I should be summoning her home immediately and stamping out in a huff.

Gobbolino I fully respect that she has the right to not be my friend, and I respect her right to walk away if that's what she's doing. I'm not going to chase after her. But after 12 years and many shared experiences, eg she came to see me in hospital after my son was born and played the music for when I walked down the aisle at my wedding, it is strange and hurtful not to be invited to her daughter's party when I thought both we and they were friends. From the FB post it was clearly a 'mum friends' party.

But I'll have to accept it and move on as no way am I continuing a one sided friendship with someone who, for whatever reason, no longer values my company.

I think if I'm honest, the friendship isn't what it was and maybe I've been in denial.

I would think the same as you op. Sounds like she has deliberately posted the "great friends" comment . Sorry op but think it's time you let this friendship go and move on. She is playing silly facebook games

. It's a kid's party. If she's such a good friend, can you not accept that she might have chosen to do things differently to you but she has a right to do that and it could be for many of the varied reasons set out in this thread?

If you can't, then maybe you're not being a very good friend in return.

I'm just trying to protect myself Gobbolino... no one wants to be the one chasing after someone who isn't bothered.

Ghosting is to let a friendship die by ignoring the other person: not responding to their calls, ignoring messages, posting public updates of something the other person would expect to go to (because she WILL have known that OP would see the photos and probably feel left out) as a way of "showing" her the friendship is waning.

It's cowardly because it makes the other person wonder if they're going mad - if they've done something wrong or if they're imagining it.

It's not cowardly to cool a friendship, but doing it by ignoring is childish. I had a friend who felt we'd grown apart, and she just waited for me to get in touch with an invite and then replied to say she thought we'd grown apart and she wished me well, but she didn't fancy meeting for a coffee. It stung but I appreciated the message as it allowed me to delete her from my phone and move on without wondering why she wasn't responding/inviting me to things.

Kirsty... do I invite her (and family) to the mince pie party or not? I'm not sure I feel like it... what would you do?