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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling very hurt at being snubbed by friend, please hand hold!

135 replies

maggiethemagpie · 03/12/2016 21:26

I've been friends with someone for about 12 years, not super close but definitely friends, I thought. She lives only up the road from me.

We both got pregnant at the same time time around 3 years ago and had little girls, so did end up spending time together on mat leave and then when I went back to work, maybe not so much but at least every few months or so. when I got married last year she played at the wedding reception, came on hen do etc.

It was her daughter's birthday last week and I've been invited to the past two parties so was surprised she didn't mention it but presumed maybe she was going away or seeing family or something.

I've just found out on facebook that she had a big party at her house (only a few miles away) and invited loads of other mums.

I'm really hurt - feel a bit betrayed actually. We're not super close friends, and sometimes I've felt like we're not as close now as in the past but I thought we were still friends and we have a lot of shared history and daughters of a similar age.

Is this her way of telling me she doesn't want to be friends do you think?

I'm feeling like curling up into a ball and shutting the world away right now.

I don't want to speak to her or see her ever again so please don't suggest I get in touch to discuss this. I've just taken her number out of my phone in a fit of pique (?) although husband still has it in his so it's more of a statement to myself than anything.

How the hell do I deal with this?

OP posts:
LaContessaDiPlump · 03/12/2016 22:43

If I had previously been in someone's 'good friends' list (openly so) and suddenly found that I didn't seem to be any more, then I'd feel the same op. Don't ask about it, just give the relationship some distance. If she doesn't contact you then you have your answer.

Sorry, it is shit Flowers

LaContessaDiPlump · 03/12/2016 22:45

I'd invite her, but only as part of a group invitation - no special individual attention. If she happily accepts then you know you've been downgraded to second-tier friend; if she declines then you can justifiably suspect that she's probably not interested in being friendly anymore.

Kirstyinnorway · 03/12/2016 22:46

maggie If you invite her and she does come, would you feel a bit uncomfortable? If the answer is yes, I wouldn't do it.

If the answer is no - go ahead... But if she gives a crap excuse as to why she can't come or seems cool about it, I would take that as the final sign and let the friendship die.

Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 03/12/2016 22:47

I was going to send it as a group invitation.... I think I'll wait a few days and see how I feel, right now it doesn't feel right to be inviting her if she is (as I think) cooling it with me.. looks like I'm chasing her and there's no way in the world I want to do (or look like) that.

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 03/12/2016 22:47

Not responding to texts and calls is rude

Posting photos on Facebook of events that other people have not been invited to is entirely normal - in fact, Facebook wouldn't exist if that was a huge social faux pas.

maggie - I would cool in the skin you got hot in (as my granny would say) before making any decisions about the mince pie party

I think you might find that your friend wont really be bothered either way or just assumes that you don't want to be friends with her and drips you like a stone. So if you feel that you just make a point, it's better to do it by way of a straightforward chat rather than a passive aggressive gesture that could be misinterpreted

DixieWishbone · 03/12/2016 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 03/12/2016 22:54

If I create an event on facebook, does anyone know if everyone will see that or just the invitees?

OP posts:
Kirstyinnorway · 03/12/2016 22:55

All your friends are likely to see it, unless you make it a "private event". Then only invitees will see it.

Bertieboo1 · 03/12/2016 22:57

You can make it a private event on fb, then only the invitees will see it.

Gobbolino - I don't think inviting her as part of a group party invite is passive aggressive? Or not? Clearly it is up to the OP as you have been explaining regarding her friend's party?

NoMudNoLotus · 03/12/2016 22:58

OP I really wouldn't invite them. Honestly. Her actions are doing the talking.

blowmybarnacles · 03/12/2016 23:01

It is hurtful, I would be thinking exactly what you are OP.

I would withdraw, be friendly if you happen tosee her but busy /non committal about meeting up.

Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 03/12/2016 23:02

I'm tempted not to NoMud even though they came last year.

I'm seeing all this as a sign to be honest with myself. I thought we had drifted a little, but were still second tier friends which I was fine with. But if I'm brutally honest the friendship seems to be just bimbling along and I'm not ever so sure I'm getting loads out of it either. It's just hard when it's a long time friend with a lot of shared history... harder than someone you've only known a year or two.

For a while now I've felt conversations can feel a little stilted. You know with a really good friend you can just talk about everything and the conversation just flows by itself and you're not having to think of things t say? Well sometimes I feel like it's not flowing and I do have to think of things to say. Which is a sign that the friendship is on its rocks, would you say?

OP posts:
galaxygirl45 · 03/12/2016 23:08

DD was around 6 and attended a very small village primary, with about 30 kids in total in the whole school. When one of my closest friends had a party for her DD that I often helped out with childcare for and my DD was literally the only child in the whole school not invited, I soon found that the friendship clearly meant more to me than her............I didn't say anything but made a point of handing over a card and present as I'd already bought it. It was utterly horrid for my DD hearing kids talking about the party before and after (it was the hire of a swimming pool and play area), and she asked me several times why she wasn't allowed. Anyone capable of that level of thoughtlessness is no friend of mine. I'd say that if your kids are going to or attend the same school, then stay civil but distant. If not, walk away and block any form of future contact.

cheesecadet · 03/12/2016 23:13

For a while now I've felt conversations can feel a little stilted. You know with a really good friend you can just talk about everything and the conversation just flows by itself and you're not having to think of things t say? Well sometimes I feel like it's not flowing and I do have to think of things to say. Which is a sign that the friendship is on its rocks, would you say?

Says it all really, I don't think you have much in common and the friendship has died.

EggnoggAndMulledWine · 03/12/2016 23:15

Op, how's your daughter with other kids and at parties etc. Without wanting to offend you, can she be a bit spoilt, is she okay at sharing, is she stroppy? It could perhaps be your daughter rather than you.

Or is there anyone invited to the party you don't particularly get on with or had any precious run ins with?

If no, then it does sound like she's not as keen on the friendship as you.

chipmonkey · 03/12/2016 23:16

Might you be overthinking this a bit? I have a few "groups" of friends. E.g.
1/ My school friends
2/ Mums of ds4's friends from school
3/ Mums of ds4's friends outside school. (Ds4 is very sociable!)
4/ Friends of SIL who have become my friends
5/ Mums of ds2's friends
6/ colleagues
And so on.
All the friends know of each other but my school friends who are my oldest friends wouldn't expect to be invited to an event with any of the other groups.
Actually, last night, someone I consider to be a good friend put up a post on FB about a night out with friends but it didn't bother me in the slightest because those are one of her other groups of friends. If I contacted her, miffed that I hadn't been invited, she would think I'd lost the plot!

Children don't always keep the same friends either. Ds4 is no longer friends with his "best friend" from nursery even though they were inseparable at the time.

JigglyTuff · 03/12/2016 23:17

I wouldn't invite them either OP. I think she's made it fairly clear that you're not part of her inner circle for whatever reason.

Although if conversation is stilted, perhaps it's no bad thing!

Gobbolino - your situation isn't comparable at all. You haven't been snubbed by your friend - you're babysitting for her. Nothing is going on behind your back which you weren't party to.

cantmakeme · 03/12/2016 23:24

Wow, I wouldn't assume that this was a snub, or that it really means anything. My DD's birthday is coming up, and only certain friends are going. My house isn't a mansion. Not everything is personal. Maybe (if you still want this friendship) give it some time, see how it goes?

Oblomov16 · 03/12/2016 23:25

I really think you are overthinking this. Please don't send that text, it is really awful. The more you post the more I am shocked as to how you see things.
And you said that you had to initiate the reciprocal play date? That's telling.

And you don't have parties fir your daughter. And yet you seem surprised when she doesn't invite you to her ds's, over something as "trivial" as you not having one for your dd.

Well I don't find it trivial. I work jolly hard at doing parties. When a child is older, they specify who comes. When young, when my child doesn't really have strong friends, just playing alongside other children, I invited my friends, from post natal group, for eg, the mum's I like, with children the same age. But if someone hadn't invited my dd, or hadn't had a party, they wouldn't probably be at the forefront of my mind.

But not inviting her to mince pie? Well if you don't, I suspect that will be the end of this fragile friendship anyway, don't you think?

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 03/12/2016 23:26

Well they made plans "behind my back" to go out without me and DH and then asked me to babysit the bastards Grin

But that's normal. Not everyone goes to everything. I've looked on Facebook and seen things that we've not been invited to and vice versa.

Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 03/12/2016 23:32

galaxygirl that is truly horrible, your poor daughter.

Thanks all, I am feeling a little better now I've calmed down. Rather than analyse my friend's motives and what she is thinking of me, I think I'm realising that actually maybe I don't think this friendship is serving me any longer.

I've got that feeling a bit similar to the end of a relationship where you're sad but know it's the right decision to move on if that makes any sense?

I'm not going to do anything confrontational, but I'm not going to invite her to the mince pie thing I think we're just going to keep it small and maybe invite another couple of families that we see more often.

I won't put a public event on facebook as it's just tit for tat and I think I need to 'disengage with dignity'.

OP posts:
JigglyTuff · 03/12/2016 23:32

Yes that is normal. Throwing a big party and not inviting someone with whom you were close enough to play music at a key moment in their wedding the previous year with is a bit odd.

JigglyTuff · 03/12/2016 23:33

Not sure why there's a stray 'what' in that post ...

Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 03/12/2016 23:34

oblomov I went camping the weekend of my daughter's birthday with two other families, it was the only weekend they could make. So we turned it into a camping party.

OP posts:
Oblomov16 · 03/12/2016 23:34

Or maybe her dd isn't as keen on your dd as you think and that's why she didn't invite you. After the last play date maybe her dd said something. Who knows.

I keep my mum friendships separate from my ds friendships. I am close friends with one mum in ds2's year. My ds isn't that keen on her ds. So we meet for coffee. I'm friends with her because I like her a lot, it's not dependant on our children liking eachother.