Feeling very hurt at being snubbed by friend, please hand hold!

[maggiethemagpie]

I've been friends with someone for about 12 years, not super close but definitely friends, I thought. She lives only up the road from me.

We both got pregnant at the same time time around 3 years ago and had little girls, so did end up spending time together on mat leave and then when I went back to work, maybe not so much but at least every few months or so. when I got married last year she played at the wedding reception, came on hen do etc.

It was her daughter's birthday last week and I've been invited to the past two parties so was surprised she didn't mention it but presumed maybe she was going away or seeing family or something.

I've just found out on facebook that she had a big party at her house (only a few miles away) and invited loads of other mums.

I'm really hurt - feel a bit betrayed actually. We're not super close friends, and sometimes I've felt like we're not as close now as in the past but I thought we were still friends and we have a lot of shared history and daughters of a similar age.

Is this her way of telling me she doesn't want to be friends do you think?

I'm feeling like curling up into a ball and shutting the world away right now.

I don't want to speak to her or see her ever again so please don't suggest I get in touch to discuss this. I've just taken her number out of my phone in a fit of pique (?) although husband still has it in his so it's more of a statement to myself than anything.

How the hell do I deal with this?

Jiggly it wasn't even last year, the wedding was 6 months ago!

Yes that's fine op. I am a glamper myself!!
It's fine to go away.
But you could have had a party for her the next weekend? A few of her friends over from nursery? You chose not to have a party. That was your choice. Maybe she only invited the mum's who had invited her dd to their dd's party? Maybe she did it on a reciprocal basis.
That is quite common.

Interestingly, she gave a present to my daughter the next time she saw her which I wasn't expecting. I'm wondering if maybe she'd bought it anticipating a party?

Which makes me think maybe I should be buying her daughter a present but seeing as I wasn't invited to the party I'm not sure I should!

Maggie that's exactly what I did 'disengaged with dignity'. It took me about a year to accept one of my closest friends of 8years was ghosting me. I still tried to meet up, and when it didn't happen got heartbroken. It started when she had her two children (very close together), I just didn't fit in to her mummy plans and was kind of swapped out for those who were parents. Then I had a really busy year and wasn't able to travel to see her each time (because she'd just cancel on me last minute) and that sort of sealed the deal.

We did meet a few times and it was great, but I was leaving the country for a while and the day I left she didn't even say so much as a goodbye. We are still FB friends, she seemingly had a guilty moment and sent me a message 'checking in' and telling me what a great time I looked like I'm having (probably hasn't even looked at the pictures so I doubt she knows). We've have 1 text conversation which was 2/3 texts since I left 6months ago. Before that I hadn't heard from her since I saw her in May.

I won't ignore or cut ties with her out of spite, but I hold no hope for the future of our friendship and I'm probably right to do that. Just go radio silence with her and make zero effort, if it was a genuine mistake or for another reason, then she'll be in touch. If not... well like you said, there's you answer.

She sounds like a nice person who bought your DD a present. She could have taken the huff at the fact that you didn't invite her family camping and to the camping party but obviously decided to be the bigger person.

And stop driving yourself nuts thinking over every scenario. If you aren't inviting her to the mince pie night then don't bother, if you plan on doing so, get a gift for her daughter and give it to her then. If she doesn't turn up then give it to your DD

My point was not inviting her (by whatever method) just to make a passive aggressive point was unlikely to have the desired out come

Gobbolino big difference a camping thing many miles away with a couple of other families who all know each other through my husband to a big party up the road!

She's been camping without me before and I didn't get the huff as I don't expect to be invited to every thing she does.

A birthday party where my DD has always been invited before... well I did.

I think I'm downgrading the mince pie party... not sure I even feel like having it now but if I do it'll be just a couple of close(r) families and she'll never know as I won't put it all over fb

My point is, that may be your logic behind who was invited camping. It all sounds perfectly reasonable. Therefore, there might be perfectly legitimate and reasonable reasons for your DD not being invited

As I said upthread, this was DS' first non-family party and we invited people who had invited him mainly. As that was polite. If one of his pals had gone camping and had a party there, I would have assumed that they were off the big party circuit that year, as their own choice. I've got various pre-school mum friends who made it clear that they would just be doing family parties this year so didn't expect invites from children giving bigger non-family parties. That's polite as these parties cost a bloody fortune by the time you've made the case and done the party bags and food and entertainment.

I think all mince pie party decisions should be sysuended for 48 hours

Maggie, Gobbolino isn't attacking you, I'm reading your posts as a bit defensive, which is understandable as you're obviously hurt by this. She's just trying to show an alternative view to help you.

I think she makes a good point - don't make any decisions about your mince pie party until you've had a good sleep. I've read the whole thread, and at times you've come across as very emotional (again, understand this as it really hurts), maybe take a step back and have a breather. For all you know, she's asked her DD "do you want to invite Mini-Maggie" and her DD has said no. I have a friend with a 4YO who was very articulate about people from a very Young age

Don't be offended op but my daughter was pretty vocal about who her friends where and who wasn't at this age. You and the mum can be still be friends but just because your dds are the same age, it doesn't make them proper friends
IFYSWIM?

Dd is now 9 and her 2 best mates throughout the first few years of primary school are now just kind of acquaintances but because they WERE close, 1 of the mums is now my best friend but it is uncomfortable when the other 2 girls don't get invited to each other's sleepovers as they are still 'besties'. But numbers have to be limited sometimes and they want new friends there. Your dd will make her own friends so don't worry.

On the other hand, ds met his best friend at a private nursery aged 2, they left at 3 & went to different council nurseries. Met at primary school in year 1, best pals again til bf left in year 5. Now at same high school & closer than ever. Me & his mum talk now & again.

I think you have to take this the same it appears . You are being pushed out for whatever reasons . It happened to me And it does hurt but I know I've done nothing wrong and I'm fun to be with . I have other friends but these were a neighbour group so it's rammed down my neck regularly when they meet up but hey ho . My conscience is clear and these things happen.

A friend of mine stopped inviting my dc to her children's parties as she decided to only invite their classmates. I was a tiny bit put out but I did understand as she took the trouble to explain.

It may have nothing to do with your adult friendship and perhaps everything to do with her child. It was her birthday after all and perhaps she didn't want to invite your child?

I'm not sure how posting it on FB when "she knew you'd see it" is really relevant to be honest. she is entitled to post about her child's birthday and it not mean anything about you / be spiteful.

I can completely understand why you are upset but your adult friendship and the potential friendship of your children aren't mutually exclusive and as they get older, it may well be that they get other friends that they would sooner choose to spend time with. You can't force kids to interact.

Have you experienced things like this in the past, before you had a child? It seems awfully emotive and like you are coming from a "oh here we are again" scenario (talking about the acid test etc) and I'm wondering, perhaps you are letting your precious experience cloud something which could be as simple as her child not liking yours as much as yours, likes her?

She doesnt sound v nice tbh. Let it go but dont go out of your way to be friendly.

Honestly, you're just guessing, you've no clue and it could be any number of things with a valid explanation. Have your mince pie party, invite her. If she turns up then you know it's not about you, if she doesn't, well you know she wants to cool it.

Honestly think you're reading too much into this and if you don't invite her then you're the one breaking the relationship and over something relatively petty.

Friends come and go OP, I think you're overthinking this a bit, but I can understand your hurt.

If I was you, I'd just ignore it, and see how she is next time you bump into her. Let her know that it hasn't affected you one way or the other, be your usual friendly self. That way you win, because if she is cooling things, you are showing her you're ok with that, and if she isn't then you can just see her as before, if you want to.

I think many of us have been on both sides of this, I know I have. I've let friendships slide because we've drifted apart, and I've been the one to feel snubbed when a friend has wanted to distance themselves.

Now, in my fifties, I accept this is a natural part of life, friends come and go. The best friendships stay, and they're a blessing. These are the friendships you work on, you put the effort in and talk about problems like perhaps one of your kids doesn't like the other as much as the other one likes them. You get round it, you have a laugh about it, because you both value your friendship, know each other well enough to know it will cause hurt, so you anticipate it and avoid it.

Don't mention it, be dignified. Enjoy your mince pie party, send an open invitation if you'd like her to attend, and if she does be gracious and welcoming. If she doesn't, then it's her loss, and you can congratulate yourself on handling it well.

I think what may have been a reasonably innocent, no malice intended party has now been whipped up in your mind OP by your concerns, fuelled by everyone's posts on here, into something it possibly never was.

Go back to the facts.
You have a friend. You & she have shared history, you enjoy each other's company reasonably regularly but certainly don't live in each other's pockets? That friendship will change from time to time.
You each have a young child. Those children naturally spent time together because their mothers were friends. As those children grow up, they will develop their own friendships.

Now the unknown ....
Maybe you were snubbed for something you've done, or she (other mum) thinks you've done.
Maybe she doesn't really like you (any more) and is being a dastardly coward in "ghosting" you to end the friendship.
Maybe your friendship is like most and will change over time.
Maybe she bought your daughter's present just because it was her birthday, independent of party invite expectations. Maybe she's expecting you to do the same, maybe she's not.
Maybe her child expressed a wish to invite only her friends, not daughters of mum's friends.
Maybe other mum is smarting about being excluded from the camping trip.
Maybe other mum took her lead from you, saw your child celebrating her birthday with a different crowd and thought now is a reasonable time to let the children chose who / what.
Maybe she was being passive aggressive with her FB post. Maybe it was a genuine "we had a nice day" post.

The only way you'll know is if you ask.
But, if the friendship means anything to you, remember your friendships change over time and don't do anything to jeopardise something important, I almost learnt the hard way ...... turns out my friend who wasn't in touch much, blew out a social event with me but seemed to be out with others was actually in the midst of a marriage breakdown with a smattering of MH concerns.

I think there are a couple of things that could be happening. I think she could be cooling things down as others have said, which feels hurtful and random but you eventually just have to accept.
The other possibility is that she was a bit hurt by being excluded from the birthday camping...if the two of you didn't have a conversation where you told her that you weren't having a party this year and were doing the camping instead then she may have (wrongly) concluded that you had excluded her because you were the one not interested in continuing the friendship. The fact that she had bought a present seems quite telling, in that she was expecting there to be a party. The recent events of stilted conversation, you having to initiate meet ups and then the culmination of excusing you and DD from her party speaks to me of hurt feelings being acted out in a childish way.
If it were me I might go ahead with the mince pie party as planned and invite her, that being the most grown up thing to do. If she is really cooling off , she won't want to come. If she does come, you can take that as a sign that things may get back to normal (if that's what you want).

I'm terrible at friendships. I can look at other people's situations and analyse them but stumble around offending people inadvertently in my own life!

Some good advice on here, thank you all.

There is a bit of history with this friend, as duxb very perceptively noticed. I knew her at uni /the post uni years and we were part of a big group which I always felt on the sidelines of and often felt left out of things.

Friend was always fairly pleasant to me if a bit distant but I suppose I do still associate her with that crowd some of whom were quite bitchy/excluding even though it was a different city, 10-15 years ago (we are still mutually in touch with some of the old crowd)
Coincidentally she and her OH moved to the same city as me (my home town) about 7 years ago so we picked up our friendship.

There have been times in the recent past where I've felt a bit excluded by her and it's basically touched a big, raw nerve. I guess the old hurts run deep!

Sorry to drip feed.. I didn't think it was relevant to give the full potted history in my OP but dubx picked up on something!

I don't know what posters mean by 'you're reading too much into it'.

You weren't invited, when you have a friendship of 12 years standing and she had a significant part in your wedding 6 months ago. What's not to read into?? You feel snubbed bcs it looks very much like a snub.

Why she has snubbed you is the point, not whether or not you're 'reading too much into it'.

But then, I'm not the type who relegates friends on performance like football teams. That seems quite revolting to me. The more the merrier in my book. If someone played at my wedding I would consider them a part of my life for the foreseeable - unless they did something heinous and I had no choice but to back off.

Oh dear, it looks like she may have picked up with you initially as you were both in the same city and had past links; but now she's settled she had made her true friends...?

Yuk if so.

It sounds like she helped you out a lot at the time of your wedding- did you show appreciation- a gift, mention in the speech etc? (Sorry if this has been covered, skim read the thread).

I wouldn't get wound up with the maybes- you just don't know why she didn't invite you. If you want to know I'd arrange a coffee catch up and say you value her as a friend, don't want to lose her whether or not your DD's are friends and this might prompt her to mention the party.

Do not do any passive aggressive facebook posts, not inviting her to a mince pie party etc. It's petty and emotionally immature.