Not So Happy Families? You're not alone

[Hissy]

'Tis the season to be jolly....

ha ha ha ha ha - ha ha ha haaaaa

Sound like you? Pull up a pew and make yourself at home here.

Our TVs and FBs are all full of Happy family stuff, and while some are excited and looking forward to it all, some others feel alone, sad and lost. Worse, some even feel anxious or full of fear as to how the hell they'll make it through.

If you're facing a less than festive season, if you can't sort out your feelings, are trying to placate the unplacatable, or just stuck in the middle of a war of inlaws, please feel free to post for a release, or perhaps a bit of advice or coping strategies.

This is your safe place to be. Even on Christmas Day if you're posting from the loo.. this thread is for you..

There are plenty of us who no have no family contact due to previous issues, or who have to manage the crisis every family gathering.

[glitterandtinsel]

Hissy, he told me he doesn't like wiping his butt. He has normal to soft, but I've role played how to fold/wipe with him. He says it takes too long. Mainly he's resistant to doing stuff he doesn't want to. We have the moist wipes too. I ended up making a chart where if he chooses to wipe his butt properly he gets a Christmas present/pocket money point. But if he doesn't wipe properly I get a handbag point. He's really competitive. I told him that I was going to win and have seen a bag I like. I feel mean about the Christmas presents, but he was smelling at school and I was at the end of my tether. He's beating me already and likes telling me. I thought this would make him responsible for himself.
I was feeling hopeless about it. Had an anxiety/depression blip. Riding out the other side now. Thank you for letting me vent!

[Hissy]

I had a ds who didn't like poos.

Tried treats and rewards, in the end it was cold hard cash! £2 for a poo in the loo, £1 when he knew he'd pooed and went to clean himself up

He was little tho.

I think the competition is a great idea! Boys respond to that!

[Amelia91]

@bilerricayduckie- JOINING THE CLUB. same for me. First Christmas in ages without him. Oh well.... cheers to that!!!! Cheers to us!

[DrowningInPoop]

Good luck Glitter

welcome Amelia

[bringonyourwreckingball]

Normally I love Christmas but this is the first one without my dad and I just can't get into it. I wish I could just opt out this year but the kids are 11 and 8 so very much still into the Christmas magic.

[Hissy]

Well... just when you think you've boxed everything up in your head..

Saw my dad the other day for dinner. Ds birthday.

Dad had form for saying stoopid shit.

I have not seen him in TWO YEARS

Literally within 5mins of him arriving (hadn't even ordered a drink) I was told I looked tired, and my son looks like a gollywog (he has curly hair)

I've recovered now, because dsis, ds and boyf have all reminded me how crap this man is, and the sting of yet again not being acceptable is lessening.

His present to ds was a bar of chocolate and £20. Dad isn't poor. Am willing to bet his (ffing ow) wife's kids and grand kids get more than that.

He just doesn't care at all, its all for box ticking.

I won't be bothering again.

My crappy family (nc with DM) just got even smaller.

[DrowningInPoop]

Oh no Hissy I'm sorry you're so hurt. Is DS old enough to notice? My children both love getting some money so they can go choose something but I understand why you feel so hurt - it's the lack of thought or effort isn't it?

As small one gets more excited and wound up, the more I'm dreading it all! We're still none the wiser as to exactly where our accommodation is, what it comprises (I'm hoping wi-fi & a washing machine but guessing not) nor has BIL confirmed the extra addition to our social itinerary. DH finished work yesterday so I have asked him to get some straight answers out of his family tomorrow/Monday not holding my breath

[ethelb]

Are you not going to see him again then Hissy? Good for you, you wouldn't put up with a friend speaking to you and your son like that, why do it for someone just because they may be genetically related to you.

Sorry that happened to you.

[ethelb]

So here goes for the latest bonkers instalment of my mad inlaws in the run up to Christmas.

My DH had his office Xmas do this week. He doesn't normally go out and get blotto on nights out, but has form at Christmas

This year, after doing an impromptu performance of This Charming Man and his Xmas party, he decided to tweet a maudlin Smiths quote.

Minutes later () his father tweets him 'are you ok?'. My DH being six sheets to the wind and speaking to people rather than looking at his phone misses this.

15 minutes later he gets a call from his mother who is recovering from cancer treatment and his father has just woken up. There is a string of whatsapp messages telling him to not do anything stupid and call them immediately.

He then has to have a long chat with them wailing about how worried they are about him, all while he is sozzeled at ten to midnight.

He thinks it is funny and doesn't understand why I am so cross.

[DrowningInPoop]

Argh Ethel pleased my own parents and ILs aren't on social media

[DrowningInPoop]

Well it's started - last minute changes to arrangements. DH has replied to an email from MIL - not sure exactly what it says. I suggested he rings her, he said he doesn't trust himself to!

Happy Christmas!

[TheHandmaidsTale]

Catching up on all this... I hope everyone manages to ignore crazy family and have some good experiences this xmas!

In terms of my family... my mum and sister still don't know my brother isn't accepting any presents from them this year (including if they're for his LO). I'm expected to mention this when I see them... but they don't come see me and I don't go round to see them that often and I aren't ringing to say it on the phone! Went round about 2 weeks ago to find mum had bought the same present as me for DB's LO... which won't be accepted but mine will... Very awkward.

[ethelb]

Drowning - what are they trying to change... Is it stuff they know you wouldn't have agreed to in the first place?

Handmaid, it isn't awkward if you don't make it your problem. Sorry to be blunt but you need to figure out how to not give a fuck

[Birdandsparrow]

Signing up! Don't have immediate family stress as it's just DH, DCs and MIL (who is fine, a bit annoying at times in the way really old people can be, but well intentioned). But been haven't seen my NPD mother for 2 years and no contact whatsoever since February this year, so Christmas always feels a bit fraught with thoughts, iyswim. Always aware she may get in touch (unlikely) or send flying monkeys.

[ChocolateStarBiscuits]

And we're off! Good luck all. I'm hoping I can check in over the next few days x

[ChristmasBleatings]

Sending supportive vibes to all.

I'm just having a quiet vent so forgive me. Everything, and I mean everything about Christmas is down to me this year. I've done all the present-buying (including my own from Dh, as he was away and wouldn't have had the time/opportunity to get the thing I'd had to TELL him to get). All the advance food shopping. All the preparation and planning. Family will be descending on Boxing Day expecting food and drink - again, solely down to me (see previous rant).

Dh is not here to help (I'm with aged DF) because he cleverly managed to arrange some work which means he won't arrive till late tomorrow, by which time I'll have done everything. Otherwise nothing would be done. At all.

I know the word martyr is written in large flashing letters across my forehead but I feel such pressure to hold everything together. I used to love Christmas and now I just feel on the brink of tears and longing for it all to be over

And breeeeeeathe.....

[whitecloud]

Christmas Bleatings - so sorry to hear that you are feeling so neglected and taken for granted. You must be exhausted. I just count down the days and think it will be over soon. It's like an emotional straitjacket - all this obligation and misery for people who are totally selfish and never think about what you might want, or care about other family members. You aren't a martyr, you are just feeling unloved and unappreciated, quite understandably.

I hope none of them has the cheek to complain about anything. If they do, I'd fix them with a steely smile and say you are looking forward to coming to theirs next year! The hardest thing is keeping your cool when you are in a rage, knowing that if you said what you thought, WW3 would start, even though you are in the right.

Thinking of you and hope you survive the next few days without doing violence!

[Pyjamaface]

Signing in as well. Ddad is a miserable arse at the best of times (best of times being no deviation from his routine, no noise and everyone running when he clicks his fingers) so I know the atmosphere will be awful xmas day. He will moan that people are in the house, all invited by Dmum as she likes a big family xmas. He will moan that breakfast is different, moan about wrapping paper, moan that people's presents haven't been put in cars/taken home approx 5 minutes after they've been opened, moan that he can't have a cuppa soup for lunch, moan that DS will be excited and then spend all day shushing him (DS is being assessed for ADHD which he 'doesn't believe in that nonsense' and is just me letting DS get away with everything), moan that people are eating all his food, moan he can't clean the one bathroom at 11am because people need the toilet etc etc. All whilst simultaneously fawning over SIL and pointing out everybody's short comings compared to her (SIL is lovely and is very good at telling him to stop making a twat of himself)

I will spend as little time there as possible so DS can actually enjoy Christmas but will still probably end up in tears by the end of the night. We only go for Mum.

And then we get to do it all again in the new year at a relatives xmas but, even though it is not in his house, he will still moan about 'strangers' being there and end up sulking in his room

[ChristmasBleatings]

Thanks whitecloud - how nice of you. I've calmed down a bit now, thank goodness.

Looking forward to next week when I go back to work, though. Which is a pity because I'd love to have a nice break with plenty of time to sit round and read books and eat delicious meals not cooked by me!

Pyjamaface - that sounds tough. There's nothing worse than someone who sucks the joy out of situations like that. I know it must be asking a lot but is there any way you can mentally tune him out?

[ethelb]

Christmasbleatings that sounds awful. Does your DH normally behave so dismissively towards you?

Pajamaface Im sorry you have a miserable parent who makes Christmas hard. Being someone who ruins everyone else's Christmas with moaning is about the most horrible personality trait.

[ChristmasBleatings]

Ethel well....bit of a can of worms there, let's just say I've lurked on the Incompetent Husbands thread for a long time and there have been a fair few lightbulb moments. Nothing's done out of malice or unpleasantness I'm quite sure, but he just seems incapable of grasping how much life admin needs doing generally, and not only at Christmas. He's very blinkered.

Sigh.

[ClosedAuraOpenMind]

my dad died onthe 20th....which also happened to be my birthday
yesterday as well as wrapping presents i had to choose his coffin and a scatter tube for his ashes

[Inadays]

Closed Aura - so sorry for your loss

[ChristmasBleatings]

So sorry to hear that, Aura