Not So Happy Families? You're not alone

[Hissy]

'Tis the season to be jolly....

ha ha ha ha ha - ha ha ha haaaaa

Sound like you? Pull up a pew and make yourself at home here.

Our TVs and FBs are all full of Happy family stuff, and while some are excited and looking forward to it all, some others feel alone, sad and lost. Worse, some even feel anxious or full of fear as to how the hell they'll make it through.

If you're facing a less than festive season, if you can't sort out your feelings, are trying to placate the unplacatable, or just stuck in the middle of a war of inlaws, please feel free to post for a release, or perhaps a bit of advice or coping strategies.

This is your safe place to be. Even on Christmas Day if you're posting from the loo.. this thread is for you..

There are plenty of us who no have no family contact due to previous issues, or who have to manage the crisis every family gathering.

[aleC4]

This Christmas will be my first without STBXH. I am having the children from 2pm Christmas Eve until 10am Boxing Day and again from 27th. I have definitely got my way, I told him what we were doing and that's that. He was the one that walked away so he doesn't get to choose.
We are spending Christmas with my lovely family who will wrap us up in warmth, love and support.
But it is still hard.
Ex loves Christmas and always made such a big thing if it. This year I have tried really hard to make it special for the kids and have bought new decorations etc. We will put them up later today.
I think the hardest thing is that it seems everywhere you look there are families - two parents and kids. I know you never know people's situations but I find it hard.
I hate the fact that when ex takes them out with ow oriole think they are a family. I hate it that I have to share my children over Christmas. I hate it that although we will have a lovely time at my parents there will be a hole where ex would have been. He was welcomed with open arms into my lovely family and they loved him as a son. I know they will find the day hard and stupidly I feel guilt for that even though it is not my fault.
However, despite all this I know I am very lucky and I am determined to make Christmas special for me and the kids.

[myfriendnoel]

Blimey Missdmeanour. That's enough for anyone...

Hi ale-y... You have done great so far-followed your other thread. It's really is his loss-you are amazing

[ChristmasBleatings]

Jumping in with a seasonal namechange as I'm worried about outing myself. Also guilty, despite Hissy's very generous assurances, that my 'problems' are piddling compared to most others so far....but here goes....

I've been trying to look after widowed, unwell, totally housebound DF for the past several years but at a considerable distance (won't say how far to keep it vague but let's just say I live too far away to drive there and back in a day). I have a Db who lives very close to DF but surprise, surprise, I seem to be the one who shoulders the burden. It's not that Db doesn't care but that he just doesn't seem to grasp that DF needs more help than the occasional flying visit. However the main problem is SIL who is a deeply screwed-up person and essentially doesn't give a flying fuck that her FIL (who has never been anything but kindness itself to her) is old and frail.

Last year DF spent Christmas with us (me and dp) but was taken ill and carted off to hospital for surgery. I honestly thought that was it for him. Our Christmas was spent in hospital, visiting. When (miraculously) he came out and I took him home, it took Db and SIL a further week to come and see him (I took time off work and spent the entire time with DF nursing him back to the point where I felt I could leave him - he lives alone ).

This year SIL has decreed that they're spending Xmas Day with her family (I wasn't even told this directly, I found out second-hand, although I had specifically asked what they were doing because I'm the one who has to organise Christmas around DF).

OK, of course she has family and wants to see them but they saw them last year, and the year before. I just feel totally taken for granted and angry for DF that yet again he takes second place, esp given what happened last year and that realistically this is probably likely to be his last Christmas. Finding it hard to contemplate being civil to SIL next time I see her.

God. Sorry that was so long Cathartic though.

[theredjellybean]

in my past i had a period of 5 years when christmas was miserable....and the putting of a brave face was exhausting coming as it did at the end of the year, one in particular awful year I decided i needed an advent calender to count down the days until bloody December was over ! I tuned out all the shmultz on the tv, ignored or deleted any adds for shopping that featured cutesy family scenes ( such as boden for instance) and grimly counted down until January. There is an online advent calendar website i used and i made myself an online calendar, behind each window was a message to myself, sometime funny, sometime to cheer me up and sometimes it said 'drink gin..i would highly reccomend it...adventios , and its free to use

[Hissy]

So many to give massive hugs too.

ALL of us here have equal billing.

Even you ChristmasBleatings :)

One thing I've come to appreciate is that we can't expect others to be any different to how they always are.

OUR expectations that one year they will step up and NOT be the selfish/manipulative/unfeeling bastards they usually are are just that. Ours.

They never signed up to be anything other than who they have always been.

If we learn to shrug, eye roll and leave them to it, it does alleviate a huge pressure from us.

Be snippy if you feel it, but it won't change a thing. Make your own plans and contingencies without them, or get up earlier and inform THEM of the plans you've made so that THEY are the ones responding and not setting the agenda.

Maybe I ought to start a thread earlier in the year to help problem solve asserting ourselves against these pitas before they have had a chance to concretise their plans...

[ChristmasBleatings]

Thank you Hissy

I do know I can't do anything to change it. SIL is oblivious and believes her own truth; nothing else exists. I'll just carry on with what I was going to do anyway. But it does help to blurt it all out on here.

[Hissy]

I'd suggest you sit your db down anD TELL him you're going away next year and he will have to do his bit.

[humanfemale]

This is a great thread!

I'm very lucky to have made a family for myself that's happy with no abuse (and I really, really do count myself lucky) but my own extended family are a fucking nightmare! My mother has BPD - totally untreated - and she has been incredibly manipulative, abusive - quite evil, really - through my whole life. Christmases with her and my alcoholic, bipolar stepdad were quite frightening and miserable. After a bit of therapy I broke contact with her nearly two years ago.

My real dad is the most self-involved man I have ever met. He has literally zero interest in anyone but himself / doesn't even look at my kids when he visits, ignores or cuts them off when they're trying to show him or tell him things. He left us when I was eleven and didn't give a toss that my mum was clearly unstable. He just left and phoned us once every few weeks. I used to be so so desperate for his approval until I was probably about thirty (I'm 35 now) but now seeing him just makes me feel like shit, and angry too. I invited him to spend Christmas with us two years ago, chasing that warm family festive myth, and he just completely ignored the text. I retracted the invitation after a fortnight and he spent it on his tod!

They have alienated all our extended family - all their brothers and sisters, I never got the change to get to know my cousins. Christmas makes me sad with all the questions about who I'm having for Christmas Day - some people look a bit nonplussed when I say it's just US (me, partner and the kids) and I didn't really ever realise it before now but it makes me feel ashamed for some reason. That everyone I know seems to have all these people in their life who love them, and want to spend time with them. I know it's mainly an illusion, but I don't even have that!

Wow this is long! Turned into a proper rant! On one hand I'm looking forward to Christmas but there are a lot of painful memories and, if I'm being honest, feelings of inadequacy and shame there too.

[DrowningInPoop]

Just checking in.

DH wants us to go to MIL for 5 days! 5!

[Hissy]

Have you had an opportunity to speak to the ils and manage the things you can and can't do?

I think taking the proactive route may help

[SilenceOfTheSAHMs]

Fabulous thread, I work as a carer and am working Christmas day, kids going to grandparents house. Unfortunately it is expected in the industry that one works over Christmas.
I'm sorry to read about the family issues you guys are having. I'm not ready to post about mine.
The myth/fantasy peddled by the adverts is a cruel one, creating feelings of inadequacy.

[myfriendnoel]

5 days is too long for anyone. Surely he will compromise?

[myfriendnoel]

My stbexh came round yesterday to pick up the kids, asked for more time with them over Christmas, (despite the fact that he hasn't agreed to anything that the DD's and I wanted to do at all and so we are all stuck together at my house), got angry when I calmly pointed that out to him and thus said no to his request, shouted at me and called me a bitch within earshot of the girls.
I asked him to leave.
He has apologised today for 'his part in it' (I'm
Unsure what my 'part' was), but I spent all of last night, (at my own surprise birthday dinner thrown for me by lovely friends), sobbing.
I'm not totally sure we are going to get through Christmas at all at this rate.

[UnbornMortificado]

Checking in

After agreeing to ex-p having DD half xmas day and 4 days following (no court order my own decision)

The bastard has decided to report me for non existent benefit fraud. Compliance interview 20th December.

Pleased I'm not the only one with shit although sorry everyone's going through it.

[Newbrummie]

It's just a day like any other, convinces self 🍷

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I fake Christmas, I really do. My husband is Mr Christmas and he has the Christmas channel on permanently from the minute it opens in October... I would so much rather be tuned into ITV3 watching somebody or other get murdered. I take consolation from watching Ultimate Force on my phone, knowing that Christmas can't last forever (however much it feels like).

My mother, a depressive for all of her life - certainly since I've known her - has decided to come off her anti-depressants and the fallout of that is on my shoulders. There is nothing I can say to placate her, nothing that doesn't have her up on the ceiling in a rage and nothing that would stop her telling me to leave her house. I've had enough of it, it's an emotional rollercoaster and to me, abusive. It's affecting my sleep now I have nightmares about her.

:) for everybody else, the stories here are so sad. Here's hoping that 2017 comes quickly and brings happiness for you all.

[whitecloud]

My dd is working over Christmas and it's the first time she can't come home for it. I find the whole thing difficult anyway, for various reasons - thought I had accepted the situation but starting feeling terrible yesterday. Feel for all of you who are working and can't have Christmas with your families. My Mum and Dad have passed on and I always miss them more at Christmas - it is worse this year. Thank you for starting this thread, Hissy - there are many of us who find all the happy families, adverts, Christmas dos and all the rest of it difficult. You are supposed to be happy at this time of year and if you're not it makes you feel so much worse.

[glitterandtinsel]

Terribly abusive parents. Been nc for 3 years. I wish I had parents, not my actual parents but ones that loved me and my dcs and dh. I'm more accepting of it this year than others.
Ds2 has just stopped trashing his room and having awful meltdowns including throwing stuff at me and dh. He's 9. It's so hard to deal with him calmly as I am afraid of anger as it triggers childhood feelings.
The real problem at the moment is ds1. He won't wipe his butt so has skids most days. I pick him up from school and he sometimes smells of poo. He won't wear socks after pe. His shoes stink. Sorted them out for him. He won't wash properly. We have to check him as he doesn't care. He is not bothered at all by the poo in his pants. We've got him on a behaviour chart, I've role played how to wipe etc, I've researched online there's nothing more to do. We're consistent in our approach. Parents evening was a disaster as he's mucking about in lessons and won't take any care in his work. I don't know what to do with him to make him be clean. He didn't know what he'd done with his laptop after telling me he was taking it to school. So either he lied to me or lost it. He'd lied. It's the constant lying, but manly the poo.
I just can't do this anymore. He's 12 and a 1/2. We shouldn't have to be doing this at his age.

[DrowningInPoop]

No Noel we're going for 5. I've said that next year I'm staying home and locking the door! (And I mean it!)

[DrowningInPoop]

Argh, BIL is now making life very complicated with adding on things to do. The saving grace of the thought was that we had our own accommodation and would use the extra time to put a tree up with DS and go see some other people.

Is it the 28th yet?

How is everyone else doing? It's 2 weeks today. We've been on a gingerbread trail, are about to decorate our wreath and next weekend is ice skating and a bit of shopping for the children to buy presents. Trying very hard but not getting into the spirit!

[Hissy]

Drowning you're adults, you don't need to get told what you need to do.

"We'll see how things go"
"That sounds like it might be too much for us and dc"
"I don't think that's realistic"
"No, that's not going to work for us I'm afraid, but please by all means carry on without us"

[Hissy]

glitter could the poo thing be constipation? Him holding it or being so hard he can only pass over flow?

Get him into the habit of showering when he goes to bed at least? Is there any way you could bring that in?

Sounds like he's troubled about something, seeing his body change and fearful of it and refreshing/acting up?

Have you seen the doc?

[DrowningInPoop]

Yes, in theory and neither me or DH normally let people dictate stuff, but it's the first time ever that MIL will have all her GC in one place so expectations are high and BIL is arranging something for her birthday which isn't in December but hey ho

Will grin and bear it with a smile on my face as one day I will be a MIL at the mercy of my DIL to see grand children hey! (Though if I don't act bat sh*t crazy, then presumably they'd want to spend time with me)

[ethelb]

Drowninginpoop Me and DH ended up in couples therapy after I was 'made' to stay five days at Christmas once.

I understand gritting your teeth and getting on with it sometimes for your DH if it really means something to them, but it sounds this is for your MIL/BIL more than it is for your DH.

It really isn't ok for people to enforce you spending time with them when they know you wouldn't choose to. It is controlling and borderline abusive.

I don't listen to the people on here saying 'it will be you one day wanting your DC to see you and then you will regret it'. As that won't happen to me because I am not a knob.

And it won't happen to you because you are a normal, rational person who will raise normal children with realistic expectations and boundaries who will marry normal happy people with realistic expectations and boundaries and it will all be fine!

So please don't go as a weird way to 'pay it forward'!

[DrowningInPoop]

Thanks... I'm hoping I raise normal children.

Will draw the line at anything else being added to our itinerary. Really riled me that BIL said he's doing this (birthday thing) as all the GC will be together (my DD won't - but clearly she doesn't count as she's not biologically related hey?! )

DH and I will do plenty of eye rolling and stay in our accommodation as much as needed/go out and see others still.