Not So Happy Families? You're not alone

[Hissy]

'Tis the season to be jolly....

ha ha ha ha ha - ha ha ha haaaaa

Sound like you? Pull up a pew and make yourself at home here.

Our TVs and FBs are all full of Happy family stuff, and while some are excited and looking forward to it all, some others feel alone, sad and lost. Worse, some even feel anxious or full of fear as to how the hell they'll make it through.

If you're facing a less than festive season, if you can't sort out your feelings, are trying to placate the unplacatable, or just stuck in the middle of a war of inlaws, please feel free to post for a release, or perhaps a bit of advice or coping strategies.

This is your safe place to be. Even on Christmas Day if you're posting from the loo.. this thread is for you..

There are plenty of us who no have no family contact due to previous issues, or who have to manage the crisis every family gathering.

[myfriendnigel]

Thankyou for this thread.was thinking of starting one myself but didn't want to be accused of being a killjoy so wasn't brave enough.
I will be spending Christmas with my stbexh and our two lovely DD's.
I found out earlier in the year that he has been seeing my best friend for a long while, behind my back. I had a bit of a breakdown as a result and lost a job that I had worked hard to get.the financials and divorce still aren't sorted.
I still suffer with serious anxiety re living where we do as I am often in situations where I have to see the woman in question.
To top it off my dad has been very ill this year and my mum is struggling to cope.
I (and the DD's who are very close to my mum and dad) really wanted to go to them for Christmas. Bu stbexh wouldn't agree to that,so we are stuck, just the four of us, 300 miles away from them, for two whole days (as dd1 has her birthday the day after too).
In trying to put a brave face on it and be excited for the girls-who are getting in to full Christmas mode now-but honestly I struggle to even look at h, and I feel extremely low and getting worse as it gets nearer. He is even staying at my house which id agreed to for Christmas Eve but which he has taken it apon himself to extend to Christmas Day night too.I feel pretty anxious just thinking about having to spend that much time with someone who has done me this much harm with seemingly little remorse. I usually love this time of year but it feels massively lonely this year-and I don't even have my lovely dad to talk it through with (or not as I did before, due to his illness).
Good to know that I'm not alone in feeling like this however-it's very hard when everyone else seems to be so happy.I know there are people worse off and that I am very lucky to have my girls which is what I am trying to focus on.

[abbsisspartacus]

I will return!

[MissVictoria]

My mums entire "family" just disowned me 2 days ago.
I've had severe OCD since i was 5, depression since 14. I'm 27 now.
My mum died after a shock terminal cancer diagnosis in June 2010. She was youngest of 4 kids, grandad passed when i was little, gran still living.
Her 2 sisters, her brother and my gran all promised to look out for and take care of me, my (also OCD and depression suffering) big sister and our dad.
As soon as she died, family nowhere to be seen. Her brother, one sister, all 3 of her siblings partners, and kids (so my aunts uncles and cousins) have never sent me so much as a single text. I get maybe 5 a year off my other aunt, and same off my gran. No support when my sister was in intensive care and nearly died, none when i was so ill i was suicidal. I can count the times i've seen any of them on my fingers with digits to spare. Mums oldest sister is VERY selfish, attention always has to be on her, even on other peoples big days. E.g my mum graduated off a course, she overtook the photos dictating what pics she wanted, and told everyone who would listen how she just auditioned for Britains got talent. I've been almost 100% housebound for a decade, can't go out doing fun things, def no holidays, it's frustrating and gutting. Without fail when i do see her she corners me to brag about all her holidays (has at least 2 foreign ones a year), how brilliant they are, all the things she did on them, what new ones she has coming up, what concerts and trips and activities shes got planned and how excited she is etc. This inevitably really upsets me and feels like i'm having my nose rubbed in it that she can do all the things she desires whilst i can do none. My mum asked her to stop doing this whilst she was still alive. After she did it again a few weeks ago i decided i no longer wanted contact with her. I worked up the courage (major social anxiety even texting people) and told her that due to her lack of support like she promised my mum, and her acting incredibly insensitively around me being ignorant of my situation and being selfishly braggy, i no longer wanted her to be a part of my life. I was aware she'd tell aunt 2 and gran, but i didn't expect them to gang up on me being abusive. Both repeatedly tried to call me, and ignored my texts explaining my anxiety is really bad atm and i wasn't up to calls. One reply off aunt 2 was basically "well i dont care because i want to speak to you" and continued trying to call. I did reply that if it was due to my text to other aunt she was trying to call, it didnt involve her and i wasnt willing to discuss it. Cue a really viscious voicemail from my gran, i only got through the seething first line of "you lying little bastard" before i threw the phone and deleted the message out of shock at her tone and language. Next day aunt 2 sends nasty repeatedly name calling text. I replied to her, detailing how let down and abandoned i've felt for the last 6 years, how their not even inviting me to entire family get togethers and parties made me feel unwanted and cast out, and that ifelt my mum would be really ashamed of them all. I didn't reply to my gran because shes had some physical ill health and despite her nastiness i don't want to stress her, but i knew that they would both continue sending nasty messages, so i blocked them both. I ended up calling my provider in a blind panic and changing number because i realised they still had my number, and they'd get my uncle, or one of my cousins to message and carry on the abuse, and i couldn't block them as i don't have their numbers. At least i won't get any crappy kids nail polish/make up sets (the ones that are about £4 in B&M) when i wear neither, or really ugly totally not my style T-shirts and other cheap random un useable tat from them now like every other christmas.

[Thattimeofyearagain]

I'm in, half of family away this Christmas and the half that are left may well have a huge argument on the day.( they BOTH have form ) If they do I'm taking the dog and my phone to mn on.

[Dawndonnaagain]

Thank you Hissy.

for everyone else.

Aprilanne, I hope you have a better year.

myfriendnigel, take back control (easy for me to say from the other side) Tell him that he can come on Christmas morning and go on in the evening and that he's not staying over. If he doesn't like it, tough. He behaved badly, not you. (I admit that I couldn't have done this).

Miss Victoria, perhaps you're better off. I've done Christmas alone and it's okay if you're organised, cooked a proper Christmas dinner and wrapped up a couple of things I wanted, went for a walk and watched what I chose. A peaceful time. It was many, many moons ago but it really was okay.

[TheHandmaidsTale]

Thanks Hissy. I just want to be able to speak to whoever i want without reprocussions because of it.
I know for a fact my mum will be seeing her friends and saying how i havent been down to see her etc... but she hasnt bothered with me either. We live 20min apart and the last time she came for a sit down visit to my house was April!

Hopefully something happens to turn thia year around!

[OhhBetty]

Thanks so much for this thread! This is nothing in comparison to what others are going through but...I can't help but feel sad about ds, his dad and I not being together Christmas day. I am very lucky that I will have ds, and I am happy I kicked ex out after his numerous cheating episodes. But some part of me is still pathetically sad!!

[Margo3791]

I've always found Xmas stressful in some way or another. Either the "idealised" memories of past childhood Xmas comes to mind and ruins the present, or the present is ruined by some kind of expectation not being met.

My philosophy lately is to simplify my life as much as I can and I try to apply that to Christmas too. So no in laws, no fake cousins, no frenemies, nobody who is not 100% on my team is allowed near me in December, even if that means only my DH and DC, or me alone just watching TV,

[myfriendnigel]

I know I should take control dawn Donna-but t would cause such a shit storm and in the middle of it all would be our two kids.he has told them that's what it happening as if it was all agreed so If I now go back on it I will look like the bad person. I can't win.

for everyone.

I wonder what, if anything, we can collectively do to cheer ourselves up?

This is the first year I won't have been under the threat of having to go in to work on Christmas Day-and sods law the only year I would have probably welcomed it!

[Lottapianos]

Thank you for starting this thread Hissy. It can be very lonely at this time of year if you're struggling with all the forced jolliness all around you.

I hate all the manufactured 'happy families' stuff all around us. I will be spending a fairly miserable few days at my PIL's house, where his mother will be moaning about Christmas being too much hassle, and engaging in her usual emotional blackmail and martyrdom. Will need to get out for lots of walks / pub visits I think. My parents will be on the other side of the world with my sister who will have just had a baby. This makes me feel sad and jealous and left out and like I'm not allowed to feel those things either.

I must be one of the few people who look forward to January - all the nonsense is out of the way, no more pressure, normal life can resume and Spring is on the way (sort of!)

[IronNeonClasp]

Please can I join?
As November ends, the knot in my stomach is tightening.. Christmas has been a disaster for me the last 5 years I am actually dreading this year...

[SnookerLover]

Thanks for this. Finally saying it out loud even if it is only on here I don't want to do Christmas.

Everyone is coming here for Christmas Day. I'm the only one working all Christmas, how I wish someone else would have thought they'd take the strain instead of me.

Feeding 14 people who won't even think to set the table or peel a sprout, never mind clean up after. While they're all nodding in front of the tv I'll be back in the kitchen clearing up. Don't do it you might say, tried that, it'll still be there the next day when I get home from work:(

Ho frigging Ho

[SnookerLover]

Lotta on the 26th November it occurred to me that in a months time it'll all be over:)

[Sosidges]

Thank goodness

[Hissy]

snooker there is time for you to divvy up the courses and tell THEM to bring a starter, and the pudding, oh and booze.

Do you have a Dp/H? You have a few weeks to train him to do something to help.

Make it clear this year that this is your last year hosting.

[MagicChanges]

Do you want to say anything more Iron - this thread was such a good idea.

People always say they hate January as it's a "miserable" month and cold-well yes it's cold but I like it because it means C'Mas over for another year.

[DrowningInPoop]

Can I join? Various little things = not feeling it

[Hissy]

PLEASE! No need to ask to join, pile on in!

. Everyone who needs this thread should absolutely stop by. Lean on us, we're all here to listen and if we can, help.

Funny, those in MOST need of support always apologise for posting and ask if it's ok to join the Stately Homes thread.

I've set this thread up (or similar) for the last few years, a little late this year, because life got in the way a bit, I know how helpful it is to many, and I know every year more and more get great support in the main Stately Homes thread.

I'm on my own, just me and dad this year for the big day, have a new boyfriend tho, so future is looking brighter. hopefully next year we'll have a happy family Christmas all together, and I can stop feeling like I was the wrong one to reject the crappy parents I have.

[aprilanne]

thanks hissy i know there is folk a lot worse off at least i have a loving family poor hubby will soon forget us and that makes me really sad but this year we will celebrate big style .

[citybumpkin]

Count me in too! It probably be the last xmas for my mum (cancer) and my dog (elderly). My family live over 100 miles away and my DP overseas. We are TTC and still nothing. I gave myself until the end of the year to become pregnant so that deadline is looming. All in all its been a pretty crap year and I would love to celebrate and say good riddance to it but fear next year will be no better. Ho ho frickin' ho.

[scaredoffallout]

Thanks for this thread hissy, I am in too. Things very difficult between h and I. We no longer communicate at all but I am too scared to instigate a separation at the moment. 3 dc - 15, 12 and 10. Normally I would be excited about Christmas but this year I feel down - too many things up in the air and general uncertainty.

to all the people on this thread.

[DrowningInPoop]

Thanks Hissy

I have a lovely family but they're on the other side of the world. My immediate family won't all be together on the day and we will be with ILs who are mostly nice but have put so much expectation on this get together that I wish I could opt out as it will be all drawn out meals with food my young child won't eat nor have patience for served at odd times.

[Hissy]

There are no "worse than" stories here, pain is pain.

The worst thing to happen to you may not be the worst thing to happen to someone else, but it's the worst that you've been through.

I also find that when we've come from dysfunctional families, our own feelings have been so tuned out we see the pain of others as worse than ours.

They however look at us aghast at what we've been through

citybumpkin stress is a huge impactor on ttc, try to relax on this deadline business and take each day as it comes. You have so much other stuff on, things you can do nothing about too, so follow the path of least resistance and somehow things might just work out as they should.

What if you did get pg, and suffered from horrendous sickness, or it was a fragile pregnancy and you were confined to bed rest, with your mum ill etc, being pg could have been the last straw for you. I know you want hope and positivity for the future, and can't see it from where you are, but I hope you can find a way through it all. It's hard atm, but let's have faith in tomorrow bringing some good news.

[Hissy]

scared my love, this is the toughest part of the end of a relationship. It's like a boil that needs lancing. You will find the strength to get through this, and you will fine a way to choose to be happy.

It takes courage and a deep breath, it's ok if that's not today, just focus on the DC and making their Christmas as cool as poss, and that will help keep your mind off the elephant in the room. Keep posting, it'll help to express your thoughts and voice your fears.

[Hissy]

Drowning that sounds stressful too! There's plenty of time though to have a chat with the inlaws and see what plans are, and tell them what you'll be able to muck in with and what you won't.

It's not about dictating their day plan, but if you can be a little flexible within broader plans and they allow you that space to, it might just be ok.

I'd suggest you yourself appeal to them rather than your dp/h as men can revert to boys and capitulate rather than be adult and responsible sometimes. They need to see you as an entity and person to consider