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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So upset with dh, not sure if I'm overeacting

164 replies

WildNightsWithAndyDay · 26/11/2016 13:56

Dh works long hours - out of the house 7am-10pm during the week. I'm sahm with a 4yo and 1yo.

Dh is notoriously difficult to buy gifts for. In the 10years we've been together I've never got more than a smile and a 'thanks' for any present I've got him and then it's never seen again. This year I for xmas I've got him tickets for us both to go and watch a sport he's interested in. I checked the date with him and he said it was fine. Tickets we very expensive (£1k for 2 tickets) and I've been squirrelling money away for months to make sure I had enough and could buy the tickets the day they were released. I was feeling so pleased with myself that I've finally found something that he'll definitely like for xmas. Last night he came home and was talking about our plans for Jan and said 'don't forget to keep Xth Jan free' and he said 'oh yeah, forgot to tell you I can't do that date you'll have to change it, work stuff I can't get out of'.

He wouldn't have even told me if I hadn't mentioned it. I haven't had a night out alone with him for 18months. I don't see him hardly Mon-Fri. I told him I'd put a lot of effort into organising this and he just said sorry but did t look bothered, more bemused that I was making a fuss. I just feel so fucking forgotten about.

OP posts:

Daisiesandgerberas · 26/11/2016 20:30

It should have been discussed.
He manipulated your words to suit him.

kittybiscuits · 26/11/2016 20:43

'Romantic' is just a big dangly pair of bollocks disguising a gross act of control. OP knows this.

Original poster

WildNightsWithAndyDay · 26/11/2016 20:47

That properly just made me lol kitty

OP posts:

kittybiscuits · 26/11/2016 20:47

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/11/2016 21:02

I also think he is the lowest of the low. All of what you have described re him is about him and he alone. He cares not a jot for anyone else except him and getting his own needs met.

He is as far from a perfect husband as is possible to be. Your children cannot afford to grow up thinking that this relationship model is at all acceptable because it is not.

I would make plans to leave this uncaring individual asap.

IonaNE · 26/11/2016 21:54

OP, when he said he'd bought a wonderful house for his family 100 miles away, you should have immediately told him he was moving there on his own. I mean: wtf?!

kittybiscuits · 27/11/2016 00:16

What's done is done. The future is not to let him take any more of your life. Put yourself and the DCs in the middle of your life and kick him as far into the long grass as possible.

geekymommy · 27/11/2016 01:55

My DH is a workaholic. I wish he'd help with DCs more, but I'm pretty much fine with the lack of a social life (I'd generally rather stay home and read or play computer games), and I thrive on benign neglect. I'm more tolerant of workaholic behaviors than most spouses would be, is what I'm saying here. Even I wouldn't tolerate being stood up for my birthday dinner and having my mother inconvenienced like that for nothing.

Mix56 · 27/11/2016 08:54

Out of interest, what did your Mum say when you came home & told her you had been stood up ? was she shocked, or does she think your trophy husband is Stepford perfect ?
What does he do on the w/e ? Golf ? or does he do "family" ?
Does he have his phone locked down ?
Have you ever met any of his colleagues?
Does he criticise your clothes ? the house cleaning ?
Do you groan when you hear the car on the gravel ?
Do the DCs love him, do they change their behaviour when he is home?

Original poster

WildNightsWithAndyDay · 27/11/2016 09:49

My mum wasn't cross when I told her what happened, more concerned I was upset. She would never criticise dh (not in front of me anyway) but she definitely treats her other two son in laws as her kids and jokes with them in a way she wouldn't with dh. It seems like she's never really let her guard down with him.

He is good at the weekend. Doesn't really go off and do his own thing. But he always just asks what we're doing, what we're having for tea etc. I sometimes feel like he's a third child.

He doesn't have his personal phone locked but he has a work blackberry that is locked. I have snooped on his personal phone but nothing interesting there. Only about 10 numbers saved though so I think he actually uses his blackberry as his main phone.

I've met a couple of his colleagues at our wedding, that's it.

He doesn't criticise my clothes or house cleaning (I have a cleaner but haven't told him). He will get home from work sometimes and sigh and just start scrubbing the surfaces in the kitchen though. It's clean and I can't think why he'd do it unless it's to try and make me feel shit.

I definitely groan when I know he's coming home. He's started working abroad 1 week a month and I find myself really looking forward to it.

DS1 certainly loves his dad. Everything he does is 'to show/tell daddy at the weekend'. Sometimes dh is interested in what ds has made/said sometimes he just shuts him down which breaks my heart. DS2 is fairly indifferent to him but I guess that's just his age (13 months).

OP posts:

kittybiscuits · 27/11/2016 09:57

Time to fade him out, as a preparatory step. It shouldn't be difficult.

ememem84 · 27/11/2016 10:01

It probably is.

He doesn't know you have a cleaner? How does he not know? Why are you keeping this from him

Original poster

WildNightsWithAndyDay · 27/11/2016 10:17

I don't know why I havent told him I've got a cleaner really. I guess I just don't want him to think I can't cope. I managed to keep the house clean before I got a cleaner but it was a constant battle. She's been coming for 8 hours a week for about 18months now.

OP posts:

Simonneilsbeard · 27/11/2016 10:20

He sounds like a wankstick ..he really does..you have a cleaner he doesn't know about. Are you worried about telling him or what he'll say if you tell him?
And yes scrubbing the surfaces when they are already clean is to make you feel shit, inadequate and useless. A tactic used by my own abusive ex.

nicenewdusters · 27/11/2016 10:44

If you leave him I bet your Mum will tell you that she never felt comfortable around him. These type of men put you on your best behaviour.

Shutting down your children is an awful thing to do, and most 13 month olds aren't indifferent to their parent. So he's an indifferent dad and a dreadful husband.

Not telling your dh about the cleaner is classic behaviour when you're in an abusive relationship. He doesn't support you and judges you, so you don't want him to know that you're (quite rightly) getting the help you need. The fact you're scared of his reaction says it all.

I know you can't just walk out the door. You haven't mentioned any physical abuse, so it sounds like you are safe to stay while you decide what to do. It can take a long time to see what somebody has done to you, even abusive behaviour can become normal. But your life with this man is so far from normal. Think about what you want and how you are going to achieve it. You need have no guilt whatsoever - this is exactly what your dh has been doing every single day.

Original poster

WildNightsWithAndyDay · 27/11/2016 11:33

Thank you everyone.

There's no physical abuse at all and I'm pretty sure no matter what I did there ever would be. The thought of it seems so absurd to me. When I first met dh I was just getting myself out of a very abusive (physically and mentally, but mainly physically) relationship and I think I have just always viewed dh as my knight in shining armour I have brushed over a lot of the shit things he's done.

I know I need to leave. I don't want my life to pass by just being subject to the whims of a man I no longer even like, let alone love. How I go about leaving I dont know. There's enough money in the joint account for me to live comfortably for a couple of years even if he didn't support me but if I suddenly transferred it all to my account I don't know what he would do, how long it would take him to notice.

There's also the fact that I think he would be heartbroken. I really don't think he would ever consider himself anything other than a great husband and father. I think I just need time to think it all through and come up with a plan. I might sound the idea out on my mum, see what she thinks.

OP posts:

kittybiscuits · 27/11/2016 11:37

What makes you think he would be heartbroken? Was your mum very supportive when you left your other abusive ex?

ememem84 · 27/11/2016 12:13

Re money. You are a sahm so I suppose you food shop? Clothes shop for kids? Get cashback. An extra £50 here and there. And open a new account and pay it in.

Obviously just emptying the joint ac would ring alarm bells.

Do you know exactly how much h earns and owns. Is the house in joint names.

nicenewdusters · 27/11/2016 12:23

OP. It sounds harsh but what he thinks doesn't matter. What do you think he would be actually heartbroken about ? He sounds like a cold fish. He'd be upset that you didn't want to be with him - but that's his ego, not his heart. He may have to sell the house he chose and isolated you in, as it's a marital asset. Who would be his cook, cleaner, nanny - and most importantly who would he treat so badly to try and make himself feel better? His heartbreak would be for the disruption to his life, to his ego, to his life plan.

Well tough luck on him. Your plans are just as important. Talking to your mum is a good starting point. Making it real, putting it out there, so important. These situations fester in secret. Her opinion would be helpful, but ultimately it's yours that matters.

Mix56 · 27/11/2016 13:00

If nothing else you need to do some research about your rights & finances, this starts with a visit to CAB.Once you can fathom the finances the rest is just a decision away.
Meanwhile you need to get as much info as possible of, house deeds, his salary/persion/investments.
Open anew on line bank account in your name.
You need to log out of any joint iCloud or joint email accounts. all the info you glean needs to be copied & sent to a new email account, any previous documents (birth certificates/passports) need to removed & given to your Mum to keep. Do not hide them in your house.
You need to change your phone & computer log ins .disactivate joint fb/whatsapp etc.
This is simply to ensure privacy.

Lelloteddy · 27/11/2016 14:54

Hang on.

This is one of those threads which takes on a life of it's own. None of the talk about emptying joint accounts is nessecary. You need to TALK to your husband about how you feel, how desperate the situation has become and what you are planning to do. Is there ANYTHING salvageable in your marriage? Have you considered counselling? Either together or separately?

kittybiscuits · 27/11/2016 14:57

Have you thought about reading the thread Lello ?

Lelloteddy · 27/11/2016 15:10

I have indeed Kittybiscuits. I see you've set yourself up as chief LTB advocate on the thread. You seem somewhat over invested?

kittybiscuits · 27/11/2016 15:14

Lol

Mix56 · 27/11/2016 15:21

He's started working abroad 1 week a month and I find myself really looking forward to it. This is the relationships board, people give their opinion, its not a competition

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