So upset with dh, not sure if I'm overeacting

[WildNightsWithAndyDay]

Dh works long hours - out of the house 7am-10pm during the week. I'm sahm with a 4yo and 1yo.

Dh is notoriously difficult to buy gifts for. In the 10years we've been together I've never got more than a smile and a 'thanks' for any present I've got him and then it's never seen again. This year I for xmas I've got him tickets for us both to go and watch a sport he's interested in. I checked the date with him and he said it was fine. Tickets we very expensive (£1k for 2 tickets) and I've been squirrelling money away for months to make sure I had enough and could buy the tickets the day they were released. I was feeling so pleased with myself that I've finally found something that he'll definitely like for xmas. Last night he came home and was talking about our plans for Jan and said 'don't forget to keep Xth Jan free' and he said 'oh yeah, forgot to tell you I can't do that date you'll have to change it, work stuff I can't get out of'.

He wouldn't have even told me if I hadn't mentioned it. I haven't had a night out alone with him for 18months. I don't see him hardly Mon-Fri. I told him I'd put a lot of effort into organising this and he just said sorry but did t look bothered, more bemused that I was making a fuss. I just feel so fucking forgotten about.

standing me up for work when I'm already at the restaurant on my birthday and my mum had driven 350 miles to babysit

I would already have dumped him for that. I would sell the tickets (you might even make a profit) and use the money to get out of your marriage.

This just gets worse the more I read! He sounds awful :( I really think you ought to make plans to leave and build your life up again, even if that means waiting until your kids are at school so you don't have to pay nursery fees. Go to the sports event with a friend, and enjoy it as much as you can. He's a massive failface the way he's treating you. You deserve much better than this.

He seems to never think about what you want or to see your marriage as a partnership. When I think about the future and all that could involve, I wonder how he will be able to support you or care for you.

What is the actual point of being married to him? Struggling to see one, as I sense you are. You can have a better life away from this and your dc will not have to observe such as unhealthy relationship. I have literally never, ever heard of someone buying a house in a new area and just announcing it, expecting their partner to leave work!

He did what? Stood you up on your birthday? For real? What. A. Bastard. #

It's easy enough to say LTB, but it depends on what you want to happen next. Presumably you loved him and your life together enough at some stage in the past. Would you like to go back to it - if he put in some effort and actually listened to you once in a while?

You sound very understandably fed up with all of his shit. It would help if you could find childcare for a couple of hours and a counsellor who could help you make sense of it all.

Oh, and you are not over reacting at all. He's being a tosser!

Thanks everyone. It's good to hear I'm not way off the mark. It's sometimes hard to see exactly what is wrong with something when it's just a cumulation of lot of little things that wear you down over a long time.

I used to know quite a lot of guys in the city who were busy trying to squirrel away in their 30's so they could "retire" early , most of them ended up divorced and no families by the time they were 50 anyway. and opening cafes and bars etc. There was also a total over excess of late nights that were totally not always needed, just a lot of them couldnt be arsed to cope with the mess and tumble of family life. They much preferred doing the big "yuppie stuff" around clients

Totally agree with this, he is squirrelling away and is opting out of his obligations to his family, which is just as important, if not more.

Then one day dh comes home and says I've bought us this lovely house 100miles away so I have to quit

^that is very controlling behaviour, he is isolating you and keeping you at home so you can meet his needs, without him having to meet any of yours, by being a half-decent human being.

What you do think he will be like in retirement OP? Do you see him as allowing you to have any equal say on how you spend these funds he has been squirrelling away, or do you think he plans to enjoy his early retirement whilst you attend to his every need?

If it's the later, then you must make plans to leave. He does not sound like he sees you in an equal in any way whatsoever, and this will only get worse over time.

To be honest I think we probably are beyond saving. Even if I had it out with him and he agreed to start changing his priorities I just don't think I care anymore.

OP your last couple of posts are just awful, how do you feel about the responses you've been getting. Is this confirming what you already thought, or is it coming as a suprise to you?
It must be very upsetting to have the stark reality of your marriage laid bare, but this really isn't a good set up. You're getting nothing out of this relationship and your mental health and well being are suffering. The fact that he doesn't seem to care is particularly concerning.

You need to have more clarity on your thoughts and feelings, it sounds like you are very unsure at the moment, which is natural given the circumstances. He sounds like he is both controlling and abusive, and you are now starting to see this for what it is. He sounds very selfish, and it's a soul-destroying way to live.

My exH was very, very similar to yours, working long hours, but under the guise of networking, aka having drinks with his colleagues. my presents were never good enough, and ultimately my needs where never as important as his. It took me nearly 10 years to realise this. I've left him now and never looked back, even with children to raise, etc. It is honestly a massive weight lifted forever.

If you have some time and transport when he is working, could you consider doing The Freedom Programme? The one I want to had a free creche available for attendees.

I think this would really help you to understand your feelings further. They have an online version too if you can't travel to a course.

What a selfish twat he is, OP.

Sounds like he's checked out of the marriage and you mean nothing to him, though - he puts in zero effort.

Life's too short to put up with that.

Who, when they are so busy, finds time to view a house 100 miles away and put in an offer, without even mentioning it to their wife?

Honestly OP, this is no way to live.

I very much doubt he could change OP. If he had a few selfish habits, then maybe, but this is who he is. If he was a stick of rock and you cut it in half, it would say "ME" all the way through. And I think how you feel is what counts now. If you don't care, that's all that matters. You can end your marriage for whatever reason you want. You have dozens of good reasons, that we know of. Being unhappy is, I believe, the only one you "need".

He TOLD you that you were going to move 100 miles away? WTAF.

You sound like his nanny and housekeeper rather than his wife.

Change of focus here to leaving. Your marriage is dead. No need to mention it though. Just start preparing for leaving.

I'd start by contacting your old boss. The leaving part takes time. Just decide this is your last Christmas in this house and in this marriage. Start getting your ducks lined up. Being single will make your life easier in the medium and long term. You'll get the odd break when he has the kids. I doubt it'll be regular. You'll get a % of his salary per child, some of his pension and enough from the house to start again.

Then I'd see a lawyer - but one at his level b

He bought a house you'd never seen and unilaterally decided you were moving into it? WTAF indeed. I can't imagine why you went along with that, other than desperation/lack of money.

He clearly doesn't give a shiny shit about you, why on earth would you spend a grand on a Christmas present, desperately hoping to win his approval? Can you get a refund on them and use that money to begin the process of separation?

Op, you squirrelled money away to buy him a present, that's right?

Squirrelling = secretly.

You were frightened to allocate it without his knowledge?

As an outsider looking in, what would you see?

Iv just caught up with the rest of the thread and it sounds utterly awful for you op.
You are a bystander in your own life! And that is something you will bitterly regret one day..not having a choice about massive things like where you live, your career and where you go on holiday is just something you shouldn't put up with. Do you get a say in anything? How you decorate the house? How you parent? What any money is spent on?
He sounds like a controlling arse who doesn't appreciate you!

Can you get a refund on them and use that money to begin the process of separation?

^Yes! Refund the tickets, and have the money put into a NEW bank account. Use your mums address for the bank account, so he doesn't know it exists.

Also start looking for rock-solid evidence of his earnings. Wage slips, rental agreements if he owns properties, etc.

Op this just gets worse. He isolated you. Removed you from a job you liked and moved you to the arse end of no where. He is controlling / abusing you. He doesn't even like you! . Don't waste any more of your life with him. I agree with pp, no harm in asking your old boss to bear you in mind. Not like you and the kids are going to miss him is it?

I'm a headhunter in the city and many of these men have their SAH wives tucked away in the middle of nowhere or even in a different country and they have affairs with their colleagues etc. No card for Mother's Day is just appalling.

I would be seeing a divorce lawyer on Monday and I'd move back to the old town and ask my old boss if he could consider me for a job whenever there's a vacancy. You were good at that job - it would be great to have it back again.

The only reason I 'squirrelled' the money away rather than just taking it from the point account is that I wanted it to be a surprise. I could have taken it from the joint account. I don't know what he would do if I just emptied the joint account which is what I would do if/ when I decide to leave.

I really think he would be amazed if I said I was leaving. He genuinely thinks he's an amazing dh. He bought the house as we'd once had lunch in the pub in the village (years ag when we'd not been dating long) and I'd said that it was a lovely village and if I ever had kids I'd like them to grow up somewhere like this. He considers himself terribly romantic for doing it all as a suprise.

Did you say that you didn't want to leave your job or did you just agree to move? I'm wondering if you did say, how did he respond?

Also, there's romantic and there's real life where you make big decisions together.