So upset with dh, not sure if I'm overeacting

[WildNightsWithAndyDay]

Dh works long hours - out of the house 7am-10pm during the week. I'm sahm with a 4yo and 1yo.

Dh is notoriously difficult to buy gifts for. In the 10years we've been together I've never got more than a smile and a 'thanks' for any present I've got him and then it's never seen again. This year I for xmas I've got him tickets for us both to go and watch a sport he's interested in. I checked the date with him and he said it was fine. Tickets we very expensive (£1k for 2 tickets) and I've been squirrelling money away for months to make sure I had enough and could buy the tickets the day they were released. I was feeling so pleased with myself that I've finally found something that he'll definitely like for xmas. Last night he came home and was talking about our plans for Jan and said 'don't forget to keep Xth Jan free' and he said 'oh yeah, forgot to tell you I can't do that date you'll have to change it, work stuff I can't get out of'.

He wouldn't have even told me if I hadn't mentioned it. I haven't had a night out alone with him for 18months. I don't see him hardly Mon-Fri. I told him I'd put a lot of effort into organising this and he just said sorry but did t look bothered, more bemused that I was making a fuss. I just feel so fucking forgotten about.

You sound like your love is being ground to dust OP. LTB.

As you havent told him the event or cost, he likely thinks it's nothing like that. His choice really to waste the money as he's technically paid for them.

As the only earner, he needs to keep his job. You mention the children growing up fast and him missing out. Could he not switch jobs and you work to so that both see the children and income earning is shared?

I'd be furious. And I'd be asking him what he thought would be waiting for him when he retires at 50 if this carries on.

Firstly, stop trying to please him, he obviously doesn't try and please you. Secondly, make sure he's also building up some sort of pension/financial security for you with all these hours he's putting in. When you eventually get fed up of his indifference you don't want to be stony broke and just relying on child maintenance.

The problem I would have with telling him is that if he said "Oh that amazing, I wont go to the work thing" then its clear that he is putting work before you but not before something he wants to do, so then I would return the tickets out of spite to make the point.

So I would tell him about them, but making it clear that you are going with a friend and him coming is now not an option.

Or I would sell them and use the money towards a good divorce lawyer.

I don't buy it that he 'has' to miss theses things. He chooses to for whatever reason, regardless of the impact on you.

Was his dad the same?

His choice really to waste the money as he's technically paid for them.

Because the OP sits on her arse all day peeling grapes?!

He wouldnt be able to work all these hours without her providing 24 7 childcare, at least not without the massive outlay of a nanny.

Jeez, he works therefore the money is his.....I thought that this attitude had finally gone...apparently not.

I'd sell them on and use the 1k to take myself off somewhere with a friend for the weekend.

Or spend it on a divorce solicitor.

He's going to be a stranger to the entire family by the time he's 50, OP.

I thought he was going to have the sort of job where his being there was a matter of life or death, like a heart surgeon who's called in for emergencies. But he's a banker? And he's going out with his staff?

I hate to say this but are you sure there isn't someone else?

Why when someone is difficult to buy for & rarely grateful do people persist in trying to please them with presents?

It's only Nov, so it is possible that the work thing has only just come up, isn't it?

Whether or not he has to go of course is another matter.

He doesn't seem interested in spending time with Op & that of course is a problem.

Exactly Bogeyface. Really shocked by Sheldon's comment! That's not how it works in a marriage...

You'd think the upside of being married to someone in his line of work with all that entails is that you'd be really wealthy, not having to " squirrel away money for months".

Op has he always been like this or recently? There's a few red flags here, standing you at the restaurant, unavailable on that day he said he was free and overall interest could it be possible there's someone else? He sounds massively disconnected and cold.

Bog standard for Sheldon!

I appreciate you meant well but I am surprised you spent so much without consulting him - it was a disaster waiting to happen! (And I speak as someone whose husband spent £1000 on a Christmas present last year that I didn't want!)

He sounds like he makes you miserable. I would sell the tickets & use the money on something that makes you happy. "leaving Tosser" fund.

Go with a male friend

Many posters are giving you practical suggestions. The point is, do you want to stay in a relationship where you (and your DC) are so unimportant? Are you sure he actually works those hours? Or is he just socialising and pretending it's essential in order to avoid the grind of daily life, which he is leaving entirely to you? It sounds like a horrible and lonely life you have at the moment OP.

Are you absolutely sure he is working those hours every day?

You're not over reacting, it's indicative of how important you all are to him. He has to work as hard at mid family and marriage as his job surely?

What does he do at weekends?

His family not mid family

I think he is behaving so badly, no wonder you are upset.

I can't get over that he blew you out on you birthday whilst you were already at the restaurant. What a prize cunt.

So sorry you are having to put up with this.

Get a babysitter and go with someone else. It will piss him off no end.

He sounds fucking horrible. Who stands someone up on their birthday when they've had their mother drive 350 miles to babysit? The work excuse is bullshit. He's planning on watching the game in the pub with his mates from work. Why would you want to be with him, when you are so low down on his list of priorities? It must be utterly soul destroying living with that.

If she's been squirrelling money away then it must be a little here and there from her own money. Why would she need to consult him before spending money she saved?

He'd be getting a pair of crappy socks and a lynx gift set next year if it was me.

Personally I think it is madness to spend so much money on a present like that - you don't know for certain if it something your DH really, really wants &, as has happened, work or other commitments can get in the way.

I would be mortified if my DH spent so much money on something for me without a proper discussion first.

Lynx is way to good for this dickhead!