So upset with dh, not sure if I'm overeacting

[WildNightsWithAndyDay]

Dh works long hours - out of the house 7am-10pm during the week. I'm sahm with a 4yo and 1yo.

Dh is notoriously difficult to buy gifts for. In the 10years we've been together I've never got more than a smile and a 'thanks' for any present I've got him and then it's never seen again. This year I for xmas I've got him tickets for us both to go and watch a sport he's interested in. I checked the date with him and he said it was fine. Tickets we very expensive (£1k for 2 tickets) and I've been squirrelling money away for months to make sure I had enough and could buy the tickets the day they were released. I was feeling so pleased with myself that I've finally found something that he'll definitely like for xmas. Last night he came home and was talking about our plans for Jan and said 'don't forget to keep Xth Jan free' and he said 'oh yeah, forgot to tell you I can't do that date you'll have to change it, work stuff I can't get out of'.

He wouldn't have even told me if I hadn't mentioned it. I haven't had a night out alone with him for 18months. I don't see him hardly Mon-Fri. I told him I'd put a lot of effort into organising this and he just said sorry but did t look bothered, more bemused that I was making a fuss. I just feel so fucking forgotten about.

OP. How does it even happen that one half of a marriage purchases a house without the other having any input? What did you say to him at any point, did he offer you the chance to go and view it even when it was a done deal? I can't see how this wouldn't cause the mother of all arguments. But are you so conditioned with putting up with his behaviour?

You know why men like your dh deliberately isolate their partners don't you?

He sounds awful. Does he know how unhappy you are?

I used to know quite a lot of guys in the city who were busy trying to squirrel away in their 30's so they could "retire" early , most of them ended up divorced and no families by the time they were 50 anyway. and opening cafes and bars etc. There was also a total over excess of late nights that were totally not always needed, just a lot of them couldnt be arsed to cope with the mess and tumble of family life. They much preferred doing the big "yuppie stuff" around clients . Sorry if I sound harsh , thats how I saw it at the time.

He sounds like a total wankbadger and you sound quite worn down with it.

I can't get over the fact he left you in a restaurant on your birthday. I would have divorced him for that alone, never mind all the rest of the shit.

What are you going to do about it?

DH is a lawyer. People he's known over the years who work like this don't have a family by the time they are 50. Or they are on to the second ones - little kids with the new young wife who they now have time for.

He is choosing to put you and the children very low on his list of priorities

Just another thought. What does he do for you that doesn't involve money? When was the last time he did something, just for you, that involved him sacrificing some time, or effort, and putting your needs first?

If he was shagging about I'd have absolutely no way of finding out. He's way too clever to slip up on things. I've always just kind of assumed he wasn't as he doesn't seem the type (i know, I know) but to be honest at this point I really couldn't care less if he was.

I'm royally fed up with having my life dictated to me. I went back to work part time after ds1. I have Aspergers and have really struggled with employment in the past but they were great as my boss's dd had aspergers and he let me work the hours I wanted. I was also pretty bloody good at my job too. Then one day dh comes home and says I've bought us this lovely house 100miles away so I have to quit. Even if I left dh I'd really struggle to get a job now as I'd have to fit it around nursery times as well as find somewhere willing to help me with my Aspergers.

Yes, and this is not just a bit shit. It's totally shit.

I would tell him what the tickets are for

I see I've also repeated what user147etc said

Firstly, the chances of him being able to retire at 50 are extremely slim. Secondly, his chances of being able to retire are non existent if he continues to ignore his marriage - divorce is not good for pension saving

This sounds like the straw that broke the camels back

I think he knows how unhappy I am, I haven't mentioned it lately though. I got quite bad PND after dc2. I remember crying my eyes out and telling dh I was so exhausted because I was using all my energy trying to convince myself not to jump out the window and he just patted my back and said 'go to bed, it's not that bad', then never mentioned it again. I told I got prescribed AD's and he asked me a couple of times if they'd made me better yet but nothing else really.

It sounds as if he likes to be in control of you op.

I was also pretty bloody good at my job too. Then one day dh comes home and says I've bought us this lovely house 100 miles away so I have to quit.

He's really got you where he wants you, hasn't he? Got you isolated.

Listen to the advice on here and make a plan.

You sound like a strong and pretty self-sufficient person, OP, to be home with two kids and have suffered PND without support and practical help from him. That would have floored me.

I would tell him what the tickets were for as maybe he will 'miraculously' become free, although you may feel he doesn't 'deserve' another chance. I'm sure this promotion day does not require his attendance under a 3-line whip either on pain of dismissal.
I also agree that 1K is a lot to spend on someone who has been unappreciative in the past and is never there to support you. I am sure you will not be making this error again, but I would also have to have a long think about whether you really want to be in this position until your dh is 50.

Can you take your boys and go to your mum's for a while? See how he is with distance between you?

OP, you sound like a very strong, switched on person. You've had a lot to deal with, but you have dealt with it. You got the job, which by your own admission you were bloody good at. You recognised you needed help with your PND and took steps in the right direction.

This man has no ability or desire to be with you on your journey through life. He sounds incredibly cold and controlling. You have one life, and you don't have to live it with this nasty bastard. I would seriously look into seeing if you could sell/refund those tickets, and take legal advice on your position.

This man is not a husband, he's not even your friend. You can build a whole new life away from him. Don't tell him your plans, just make them. He'll say you won't cope without him, he'll take the children away etc, etc. You will cope (much better) he won't get the children (he wouldn't want to look after them anyway), you'll be fine.

Reminds me of my x, earned good money, but he didn't really want to be half of a couple based on a strong respectful connection. he wanted staff at home.

Anyway, I would buy him a mug full of sweets and an aftershave balm seeing as you'll get 'thanks' regardless. Sell these tickets on ebay and put it in to your starting again fund

Maybe when he sees what the gift is, he will suddenly become free on that date?

He did WHAT on your birthday?! That is completely unforgivable, how callous from the man who is supposed to love you!

He also seems to be treating you as a full time nanny.

You sound really capable to have dealt with all that on top of pnd, most people couldn't. He really isn't emotionally involved at all, would it make much difference if he wasn't around?

OP, you don't realise this, but your so-called marriage is hideous.

You prob weren't expecting to hear all this - and I am no drama llama trying to egg you and everyone else on - but I would leave for a bit with the kids. DH needs a reality check, and you're the only one that can supply it.

I'd be so tempted to give him a lynx set at Christmas as previously suggested, along with a sweet smile, saying nothing. Let him wonder why.

Then serve divorce papers soon after.

"Then one day dh comes home and says I've bought us this lovely house 100miles away so I have to quit"

That's utterly disgusting.

Well it sounds as though as long as you are keeping house and looking after the children he doesn't really care about whether you are actually happy or not. No doubt in his mind he just thinks he's provided a lovely house that people aspire to and you get nice holidays so why wouldn't you be thrilled? His priorities are so far off the mark it's tragic.

If he definitely wouldn't be watching the game elsewhere then I would be inclined to see if I could get my money back on the tickets and then do something I would prefer instead. Then maybe once the kids are in bed after Christmas Day I would casually say "sorry about not having a present for you but I had to return X tickets as you said you couldnt get the time off". Let him get angry, he bloody deserves it.

Seriously though, how do you envisage your life when both DCs are in school? It sounds like you are now very isolated and your old job was really good for you.

He's a solid gold cunt.

I'm not sure I'm using the right word here –is it gaslighting, when someone makes you feel that YOU'RE in the wrong but in fact they've moved the goalposts? Why would he say the date was fine and then turn round and say it wasn't?

Then again, it almost pales into insignificance compared to buying a house without telling you , so you have to leave a job you love .

I'll say it again –solid gold cunt. Sorry OP.

Definitely don't tell him what the present was! Go with a (preferably male) friend and if he gets upset then wide eyed you can say 'well you were busy and said there was no way you could get out of it'!!
Then make plans to leave - you deserve better.