What would you feel your husband should do?

[tolstoy]

Help me understand how you would feel? Imagine you have been happily married 12 years and have 3 children by your husband (7, 9 and 11). Your husband has 3 adult children from a bitter divorce decades before he met you. (They resent him divorcing their mother when they were children and his ex wife despises him.) You are friendly but not close to any of your step sons, whom you see about 2 times a year. Your husband sees them about 4 times a year. Now your husband's 35 year old son has invited your husband to his registry office wedding service and celebratory lunch and evening booze up. However, you and your 3 children have been sent a formal written invitation to the evening booze up (this written invitation does not include your husbands name i.e. written as if you are separated or divorced from each other.) Your step son has not called you or sent you an email explaining his decision. What would you feel and what would you do? What would you feel your husband should do?

You are doing absolutely the right thing OP and you DO need to learn how to cope with these types of situations in future. There will possibly be further weddings, births of babies, baptisms etc to negotiate. It will all become easier as your own children get older and can understand the complexities of human nature a bit more.

FWIW I will be taking a back seat at DSCs graduations, weddings etc if that's what they chose as their mum has a real issue with my existence.

What is it that you will have to cover up, and that makes you feel lonely? I'm not seeing the issue.

Your husband's relationship with his adult children is between them, he might not have been a perfect dad, they don't have to be perfect children

Stop feeling sorry for yourself with all this martyrish 'loneliness' - self pity is not attractive

You have a husband and children, don't destroy either of them with your dramatics

Again, I think you are framing this in a way that isn't helpful to you, your marriage, or your wider relationships.

The way that we feel about things is something we can control and alter. You can choose to see this as you being a martyr and 'sucking it up' in suffering silence (and you're right that, far from being self-sacrificing, this is likely to make everyone around you completely miserable), or you can see it as putting on your big girl pants and not sweating being apart from your husband for a couple of hours while a ceremony takes place, then turning up with a big smile on your face to celebrate with the happy couple in the evening.

It's OK to have feelings of sadness about being 'excluded' - but it's also important to realise that it's not all about you, and that there is a dynamic here between your husband and his ex-wife that the children are trying to manage in their own way.

You don't have to get along like a house on fire with your DH's grown-up children, but you definitely don't need to create a rift by demanding that he chooses between them and you, and sulking if he refuses to do so. Most relationships in life, with family, friends, partners aren't on/off but are created every single day by a constant process of communication and negotiation, in which compromise is an almost constant state. You are unlikely to find anyone as a partner who doesn't have some other ties that will have to be balanced with love and care for you. That's how life works. If you have feelings of abandonment, disloyalty and upset at normal adult compromises, then there may be some deep-seated issues there that need addressing, possibly with a counsellor?

I really don't understand why on earth you would even want to go. Have you always reacted to dealing with his older children in this way over the years? With jealousy and resentment?

To me this the perfect solution and I would be utterly relieved not to be attending, I would also find myself unable to attend the evening event that I doubt he even wanted to invite you to. I think impeccable manners have been displayed here and the only person behaving badly is you. You don't think your relationship will recover from the disloyalty of your husband? Your husbands son had done the right thing and kept everyone happy, the only person who is now behaving badly is you. Think about that.

Is the sadness and loneliness that OP talks about related to the fact that her children have blood siblings who confuse them with their behaviour? If it is then I can understand OP being upset that her step children are not interested in their younger siblings. In an ideal world the step children would be mature enough to not take their annoyance at their father out on heir younger siblings because the little people have not caused the husbands behaviour. On the other hand as op has now told us that her DH often let his children down when they were small I think he is the sole cause of the fractured relationships and OP should be more understanding of why the invites have been done the way they have. You can't change the past.

A few things jump out at me here:

1. You knew he had kids when you married him.

1. His ExW probably loathes him, because he walked away leaving her to bring up 3 kids alone. Then he made 3 "new" kids with another woman, whilst not really looking after the ones he already had by her. How would you feel, if he did that to you?

1. I personally wouldn't want to make children, with a man who has proved he is capable of walking away from his own. But that's done now.

1. If you and your DH divorce, and let's say in 10 years time your eldest plans a wedding, would you expect your DH to attend, or to stay home with his new wife "out of loyalty"? Would you think he should put your son's feelings first and to hell with what the new wife thinks?

I think that what your DSS has done with the invites is perfect and the fact that in the evening you will all be in the same room (and the ExW is ok with this), means that massive strides have been taken. You do sound a bit unbalanced to me (sorry). You should never ask your DH to choose between you and his children. Like I said, if some years down the line he has a new wife, would you expect him to love her more than your 3 kids? Or would you want him to have some loyalty to your kids and even some to you, as the mother of his children? He has created quite a complicated life for himself and it will be full of compromises like this one but you knew this when you married him!

It sounds like his dc's are reaching the point where these events will be done and dusted soon. There's no reason to think your dc's will suffer for any reason - if they only see their half siblings once or twice a year they'll barely know them.

These men don't consider you part of their family, and whatever the reasons they obviously feel justified in keeping their DF at arms length. It is what it is. You can't expect them to put their feelings to one side just to make you feel happier. They're friendly when you see them, that's enough.

Are there other issues in your marriage? Were you the OW?? Other things you are not telling us? Why are you lonley? Why would you be so upset your kids will pick up on it?

You seem completely over invested in this rather minor point and acting as if its a betrayal you can never forgive which is frankly ridiculous. To be honest I suspect your step kids are bloody lucky you are not in their lives!

Great post Holly
& Husky has a point - did you not see how complicated his life eas when you met him?

Its sad yr DHs children from the 2 marriages don't have a relationship. My DPs children from 2 marriages clearly consider themselves to be siblings though its different because they all lived with him.

I don't understand your last post. What are you pretending and how does this affect your children and why do you think your DH would leave you if he knew?

Weddings are expensive and divorces make weddings a million times harder. Try to look at it from his point of view:

He sees you twice a year but his dad four times so he sees his dad alone as often as he sees his dad with you. This means you are presumably perfectly happy for his dad to see him without you there.
You never had to play mother to him as he was already an adult of what 23? when you married his dad.
If he only sees you twice a year presumably he only sees your kids the same time and due to this plus the age difference I don't imagine they really have much of a relationship with each other.
You admit yourself you aren't close but get on ok.
These things make you more of an acquaintance in many ways. It sounds harsh but it's true. I have a step parent that's remarried and I don't know his wife at all really as I was long moved out when they got married. We get on ok but we will never be close because we just don't see each other and she doesn't need to be mum to me in any way.

It sounds like he's not fantastically close to his dad either tbh but he wants his dad there for the whole wedding because it's his dad. If his mum and dad hate each other also inviting his dads "new family" could easily be the difference between peace and chaos.

By inviting you and your kids to the evening he is acknowledging you, extending an invitation to you but also trying to make things both easier and likely less expensive for himself. If you were all to attend all day it would be an extra 4 people which adds up fast and when a he doesn't often see you or the kids and b it would likely make things awkward and uncomfortable I can see why he doesn't want to do it.

I genuinely don't think it's done with malicious intent and he probably just sent the invites as he did to make it clear what he had decided but didn't call because he may be scared of the reaction.

If your step son is getting married with two parents who absolutely detest each other both attending he will already be scared, anxious and nervous so please please don't make it worse for him by forcing your husband into a corner. You say you like him and you love your DH so please make this rough situation easier on them both by just going with it. Let your husband attend the day then attend the night to show your support for him and your stepson.

*I thought that it was considered rude to only invite one half of a couple?

I can see why it's been done this way, but blimey, Op's been married 12ys!*

With divorce it's never ever simple. My dad had been remarried 12 years when I got married. My step mum would have graciously stepped back and not attended my wedding at all if it would have made things easier for me (it wouldn't have done, I needed her to keep a leash on my dad so he didn't lamp my step dad) However I grew up seeing her every couple of weeks so she was a big part of my life and I wanted her there. If I'd only seen her twice a year I suspect that would have been different.

I think if their dad left them like that and they rarely see him, they'll see their mother as their 'real' family.

Their mother clearly hasn't forgiven or forgotten, and she won't want to see you at the wedding of her child. It's not logical, as he's the one who harmed her, but you are the one who is now living the life she had before it all went wrong.

I think the child getting married knows that his mother would hate to have you there at all, and has compromised by letting you come to the evening do.

I think in your position, OP, I would write to his son and say "I completely understand why you don't want me there for the daytime ceremony as I know your mum would be upset. Would you prefer it if I didn't come to the evening do?"

Wow, thank you all for trying to put me straight. You have and he will be going to all 3 and the kids and I to the evening...and yes, yes I will be gracious. Yes, I have apologised to my husband, and told him what you all think of me and that he must go to all 3. Yes, I will continue to be a gracious hostess when they come round twice a year. You are all correct I only have to pretend about twice a year and whenever he mentions their names. Yes, it is not that big a deal. My husband is lovely and I am lucky that he is still putting up with me.

Wow you're determined to be the agreiveved party OP. Now you say your DCs are going to suffer. If I've read your posts correctly, you only see his DCs a few times a year and other than that you're happily married and have been for 12 years. 'It's a lonely life pretending' Ffs get a grip, you're sounding like a self entitled drama queen. Suck it up and grow up. They're his children just like yours are

We had dh's largely absent father at our small wedding ceremony but there's NO WAY we'd have invited his wife to that. Far far too intimate and close contact with dh's mum who still finds it too hard after 30+ years.
Dh's dads wife and kids came to the party which was much larger so dh's mum didn't have to chat to them.
Dh and his half siblings are in contact now that they're all adults and dh can chat with his "step mum" but there will never be social relations between dh's mum and "step mum".

(I use " " because they've never lived together or even had regular visitation so she's never had a step parent role).

I'd take it on the chin. The 35 year old is wrong of course but parent and child relations can be sensitive. I would say to my husband i thought it ridiculous but I'd also say I don't want to cause any fuss so we would see him at the evening do. Putting your DH in the middle will only end badly. Yes you should be invited but even though the 35 year old is in the wrong just let it go. I wouldn't expect my DH to cause an argument for me especially when it's a wedding.

My husband is lovely and I am lucky that he is still putting up with me.

Yes this is true if you're as difficult as you're coming across here. But I can't help but think hope that there's more to it than just this particular situation for you to be feeling so bitter about everything.

Wow, you're all so right. I needed to be told.

I still don't understand what the 'pretending' is about, OP? Pretending what? That you like your SDCs? That you're not upset that he still has a relationship with them?

In the end, it doesn't matter whether you like them or not, they're his children. Presumably you don't expect him ever to cut off contact with your kids, even if you were to divorce. And I can't imagine why you think it's reasonable to feel aggreived that he keeps up a relationship with them, or are threatened by that.

As a PP suggested, it implies you have some issues around feeling secure in your relationship. You might benefit from counselling or just from thinking what would make you feel more secure, so that you don't have to feel threatened by your husband keeping up a minimal level of relationship with his own children.

Also you're not emotionally imbalanced- you are correct but your DH is in an impossible situation. It won't be what he wants. Don't let this cause problems in your relationship.

you sound about fourteen!

yes, you are right. thank you for being helpful and constructive.