What would you feel your husband should do?

[tolstoy]

Help me understand how you would feel? Imagine you have been happily married 12 years and have 3 children by your husband (7, 9 and 11). Your husband has 3 adult children from a bitter divorce decades before he met you. (They resent him divorcing their mother when they were children and his ex wife despises him.) You are friendly but not close to any of your step sons, whom you see about 2 times a year. Your husband sees them about 4 times a year. Now your husband's 35 year old son has invited your husband to his registry office wedding service and celebratory lunch and evening booze up. However, you and your 3 children have been sent a formal written invitation to the evening booze up (this written invitation does not include your husbands name i.e. written as if you are separated or divorced from each other.) Your step son has not called you or sent you an email explaining his decision. What would you feel and what would you do? What would you feel your husband should do?

[PerpetualStudent]

Not read the whole thread, but as someone who's divorced mum uses every family ocassion (including my own dad's funeral) to parade her new bf in front of us I think you should gratefully accept the evening invitation & allow your DH to attend the ceremony without a guilt trip. Sometimes you just want your parents, and it's not a slight on any new partners

[MsGameandWatch]

You're more than welcome

[NoSquirrels]

Everyone wants to be liked, OP. I get that, and it is hard to feel excluded.

But really, and I say this in the nicest possible way, it isn't about you.

Your DH's relationship with his grown-up children can be helped by you being gracious a couple of times a year and leaving the door open for more communication should that be wanted, or it can be hindered by you being offended they don't like you more. Concentrate on your own offspring, be polite and think nice thoughts about them if possible. Try not to think it has anything to do with you. Because it probably doesn't.

[SENPARENT]

Agree with much of what's been said here. Your stepson has organised the wedding the best way he can given that he is still reaping the fall out from the "bitter divorce" that happened when he was a child, none of which is his fault. Your husband needs to go to the wedding ceremony and you and your children should attend in the evening.

It goes without saying when you marry someone who has been married before and has children from that relationship,there is often "baggage" that comes with it. You were aware of this when you married your DH.

Having said that I also think shove the holly has a point.
"there may be some deep-seated issues there that need addressing, possibly with a counsellor".

Seriously consider this. I don't have first hand experience of divorce, but I do have first hand experience of counselling.

When my 21 year old autistic son had counselling earlier this year, I had to sit in with him on the first few sessions as he had such low self esteem and had no confidence. My son had some deep rooted issues with the way he viewed himself and things that had happened to him when he was at school, some of it going back years. I was really impressed with the way this counsellor was able to turn his way of thinking round and help him come to terms with things that were beyond his control, and to see them in a completely different light. He has benefited from this enormously.He is now much more self assured and no longer has isues with the negative stuff that happened in his past. Maybe it would help you to talk to someone so you can sort out your feelings of loneliness etc and help you to feel things for real instead of "faking it."

Do it. Do it for your DH and your relationship. Do it for your DC. But most of all do it for yourself.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

OP your last few posts make you sound like a stroppy teenager.

[Vagabond]

I would be in the same situation... and in fact, probably will be soon for an upcoming Christening.

You shouldn't consider your DH disloyal for going to his son's wedding. I think you should be gracious and accept the invitation to the reception. It shows you to be a bigger person with dignity and respect for other people. Yes, it's ridiculous after all these years, but again, be the bigger person. You will be proud of yourself afterwards for your grace. You can't put a price on that.

[LurkingQuietly]

Why do you even want to go to a wedding of someone you only see twice a year? If it was that important to you to be accepted as your DH's partner surely you would have made more effort to foster that relationship?

[HuskyLover1]

Pretend at what????? That you like them? It sounds as though you utterly detest your step "children", and wish that your DH didn't have a family before - but he did, and you knew this.

You seem unable to see the bigger picture. Given that your DH has a "child" of 35, I am assuming he is around 60...which means that there is a HUGE likelihood that when your kids reach their 20's, he may have passed away. You should be doing everything in your power to encourage and facilitate a strong bond between all 6 children, so that when you and your DH do pass away, your children have 3 older siblings to look out for them. Given that the first 3 children are old enough to actually be the parents of the 3 younger ones, it would not be out of reach for them to see their older siblings in a parental role if they are close growing up.

[ravenmum]

Do you think your stepson is still upset because he wasn't invited to his dad's wedding?
I wasn't invited to my dad's wedding either, and I presumed it was because his new wife did not want to have me there. As if his old life, before she met him, did not matter any more. It took me a while to warm to her :)

[ocelot7]

OP has taken on board what has been said on the thread, apologised to her DH and the family will be attending the wedding as invited. I'm sure the insights from other 'blended' families have been enlightening too.

So it would seem the purpose of the thread has been met. Hence no need to continue berating her! I didn't agree with her initial stance but in her place would have found it hard to take some of this feedback even in an anonymous forum. Although I have seen much worse on MN :(

[ravenmum]

I think the problem is that everything tolstoy has said since her original post can be so easily read as deep sarcasm :)

[ocelot7]

I didn't read it as sarcasm but you could be right. I did see she was challenged (fairly) for passive aggressive drama llamaing though :)

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

I think the problem is that everything tolstoy has said since her original post can be so easily read as deep sarcasm

My thoughts exactly.

[Costacoffeeplease]

Of course it's sarcasm, pretty pathetic response

[ShoopyShoopyDoopDoop]

I've only scrolled back and read her last few responses.

I don't see how they can be interpreted as anything other than deeply sarcastic.

I certainly hope she isn't as appalling in real life as she has come across on here.

[ocelot7]

Rereading I get it from some of OPs eg 1329 post today...
So she is still convinced she is right & has managed to hide her disappointment in the lack of agreement of the thread while claiming she can't disguise anything from her young kids [sceptical] She serious!y needs to rethink the 'problem'
No point posting if not prepared to be swayed by argument of others...

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

To even contemplate breaking-up contact with half-siblings shows that you are emotionally immature and bitter.
It is not about you, and you're making yourself sound like a very insecure spoilt brat.

[Kr1stina]

I'm a bit confused OP. Why did you have strangers as witnesses at your wedding when your DSS was best man ?

[Sixisthemagicnumber]

He wasn't best man. I derailed the thread - it was me who had dss as best man, Not the OP.

[RepentAtLeisure]

I hope you're not going to be this passive-aggressive on the actual day OP...

[Kr1stina]

Thanks for explaining Six

[BerlinerBelle]

OP - something is going on here, and I don't think it's about the wedding.

You know you are allowed to feel whatever you feel. There is no 'right' answer as far as feelings go. If you have negative emotions like resentment and anger - it doesn't make you a terrible person. We all have negative emotions - it's completely normal.

Now what you do about those emotions and how you respond - that's a different matter.

Scenario 1
you seethe with resentment and stop your children seeing their step-brothers and inflame the conflict for your DH who is trying to maintain a relationship with his sons (not so nice)
Scenario 2
You explain to my DH how hard you find it, that you'd like a bit more support with it all but give him your blessing because you know how important it is to him - go out and buy something fabulous for the evening do.
(nicer)