What would you feel your husband should do?

[tolstoy]

Help me understand how you would feel? Imagine you have been happily married 12 years and have 3 children by your husband (7, 9 and 11). Your husband has 3 adult children from a bitter divorce decades before he met you. (They resent him divorcing their mother when they were children and his ex wife despises him.) You are friendly but not close to any of your step sons, whom you see about 2 times a year. Your husband sees them about 4 times a year. Now your husband's 35 year old son has invited your husband to his registry office wedding service and celebratory lunch and evening booze up. However, you and your 3 children have been sent a formal written invitation to the evening booze up (this written invitation does not include your husbands name i.e. written as if you are separated or divorced from each other.) Your step son has not called you or sent you an email explaining his decision. What would you feel and what would you do? What would you feel your husband should do?

It is natural for you to feel a bit left out and upset but this is absolutely one of those occasions when you have to put your DH and DC ahead of you own feelings and do the right thing for them

The right thing is to apologise to your DH and allow him go to the wedding with your blessing. Unless there are huge logistical problems then you should go to the evening do and take your DC as not going is going to come across as a huge snub and may have longer term effects on the opportunities your DC will be given to build a relationship with their step siblings

It's hard but you can do it xxxx

Sorry but I think you are being extremely selfish. Why should your SS have to you 'accept' you? He didn't ask for any of you as his family, he is being civil with you for his dads sake. Be the bigger person and go.

I have divorced parents and never got on with their new partners. If my dad didn't attend my wedding because my step mum didn't allow him to, I would be absolutely fuming with both of them.

Like I said, I would not prevent him going and wouldn't be angry if he wanted to go but I know he wouldn't.

And that's what makes the difference, you wouldn't be angry or try to prevent your DH doing what he felt was right. I can understand how OP feels too but I still think she's totally wrong to accuse her DH of disloyalty and refuse to support his decision about his DS's wedding.

She's making this about her and it really isn't, her DH shouldn't have to choose between his wife and his child or feel there are consequences for attending his DS's wedding.

So let's imagine your Dh does what you want and says I will not attend without tolstoy

Your step son then says fine don't come then and you are now the seen as the worst wife who prevented her husband seeing his son married.

Get over yourself, you have no relationship with the man getting married so you shouldn't feel slighted.

I think it has been handled perfectly.

I'd save yourself further angst by politely declining the evening invitation and take the kids out to pizza hut for an early evening meal that day, let OH go on his own.

My parents divorced when I was 13 and my dad more or less moved straight in with the woman who then became my step mother. I am 36 now and stopped talking to her when I was 15- she was absolutely horrid to me, so different situation I know. When I got married (and I've been married twice so this has happened twice!) I invited both of them to be polite but only my dad came, which was the outcome I really wanted to be honest. I would just let your dh go and make excuses not to attend at all.

What shagged said. This isn't about you OP and it sounds like a great opportunity for bridge building. Rise above your own view on this, be gracious x

You're effectively asking him to choose - you or his son. Who would you choose yourself op, your dh or your own son, if push came to shove?

If you both divorce in the future and one of your dcs gets married, how would you feel if your dh said "sorry, can't go to the wedding, my current dp says it's disloyal".

^It wouldn't be a huge family fallout gobbo. It would be a huge fallout with dss (1 person) because he is a total drama queen. He has had many fallings out with DH because he blames me for his parents marriage splitting up (they were already divorced when we met). He only contacts DH when he wants money and falls out with him if he can't five him any so I think DH would manage another drama queen episode.
Like I said, I would not prevent him going and wouldn't be angry if he wanted to go but I know he wouldn't.^

Well it would be, as it would stop your DC and your DH from seeing his son.

I'm not sure what the relevance of the massive drip feed is? Are you saying your DH would t actually want to go to the wedding as he and you don't like his DS?

Agree with all pp OP. His family probably don't even want him there but are doing it out of curtesy. I would suggest you and your children don't go as it would cause an atmosphere.

A difficult situation and I get why you feel put out by the invitation to the evening do - you are your husband's life partner and it is somewhat rude. However, I don't think I could ask my DH to miss his child's wedding under any circumstances. It would be cruel. You need to accept that the son doesn't want you there, probably for his mum's sake, and decide whether you want to go along in the evening, or not. I probably wouldn't.

Just let your dH go to all the bits, and join him later.

This day is not about you. It would be kind of you to both DH and his son if you did not make a big drama out of this, imo.

One of my DSC actually wished death on me during a huge fall out. I still wouldn't dream of telling my DH he could not attend their wedding

Ah, just read up on the thread.

Don't think you are bothered about kindness, are you

Hope for the groom-DS sake your H is brave enough to go!

I said in my original post, he wouldn't want to attend if I and the children were deliberately excluded. I cannot change that. We do like DSs and have always made an effort to include him whenever possible (he was best man at the wedding as DH wanted him to have an important role). DH tries to see him but Dss is always too busy. Dss doesn't want us around as he is embarrassed that one of our children has a significant disability and he ignores him and treats him like a leper. He hates me because he blames me for his mum and dad not being together. He dislikes DH because he married me and had more children. He has excluded DH from all important life events - graduation, 21st birthday party etc. DH would have gone to those events alone if he had been invited. Step families are just not straightforward and it's not always as easy as saying that the parents should be the bigger person and spare the children's feelings because frankly some adult children take the piss. Dss only really contacts is when he wants financial assistance. We would help him if we could buy we are not in a position to do so and we won't go into debt to provide for somebody who only wants money and nothing else.
Clearly I am the evil stepmother.

It's his son's wedding. Of course he should go.

The sons would have been heavily influenced by their mother and the fact they didn't see their dad very often, let alone you.

But now they are adults they will have formed different opinions and this is how one son is trying to reach out to you and your dc. They are his half siblings after all.

Personally, I would suck it up and go to the evening do. But if you are not prepared to go there is no way you should prevent your husband going to his son's wedding. This is his wedding, not meant to be a message to you.

What would I think ? I would think 'oh thats nice, DSS is getting married ' , then I would start trawling the online shops for something snazzy to wear to the evening do I had been invited to . Probably have a bit of angst about whether smart/casual would be acceptable for the kids and if school shoes would do as footwear , then get sidetracked by the fact that their feet haven't been measured for what feels like decades and go off on a new school shoe hunt .

But the whole 'loyalty' malarky just reminds me of points based cards that supermarkets and shops give out . With that in mind , I think after 12 happy years of marriage and three kids , your DH has built up enough points to attend his sons wedding

It sounds as though the bride and groom have tried to come up with the most diplomatic solution they could under the circumstances.

OP, you need to stop making it all about you and be gracious. You are not that important in your stepson's life, and you and your children have the loyalty and and attention of your husband all the rest of the time. Let him be a father to this son, and give his undivided attention, just for this one day.

In think you you are perfectly acceptable feeling the way you do, however it sounds like a really tough situation for all. The dss is in a dilemma as he wants his dad there to see him get married but wants as little atmosphere as possible, a registry office wedding will be very intimate and were you also to attend with your dc that might well swell the guest numbers by 20%. It's sounds like the day part is being kept simple and minimalist, with the evening being the main reception. If the couple aren't inviting friends they have regular contact with to their ceremony then it would be odd to invite someone they see a couple of times a year. However your dad is your dad so that is a different thing.

Personally I think you're being very selfish.

It's important to remember that you haven't been excluded, you are invited to the main bit of the wedding, just not the formalities, no doubt along with many other people who are much closer to the couple than you.

I'm sorry you feel so hurt by this. I understand why you feel that way, but I think that in framing it as an issue of loyalty/disloyalty you are driving this to a point of a very black and white situation, when actually it's full of many shades of grey.

Your post says you don't really see your exH's children, and you're not close, and that there are issues between your DH and his exW. Therefore, it's not that surprising that you've been asked to the less intimate parts of the day. Think of it from the point of view of those getting married - the last thing they want at the special moment they take their vows is any aggravation or nasty atmosphere. They've therefore invited biological parents only to this, and wider family to the later event.

Very few people have loyalties only just to one person in their lives. Most of us are having to balance demands of different kinds of loyalty: to children, parents, friends, relations, partners. The answer is rarely one that gives one person everything they want - relationships are an art of compromise. Making it all about what you want is not a smart play - you're only likely to alienate yourself this way.

You complain that your Dh was not invited to previous celebrations for dss and say you would have been happy for Dh to go alone. Yet now you think Dh is disloyal to attend his wedding. I beg you to put your emotions to one side and support your Dh. His attendance at his son's wedding is the right thing. With your negative attitude it may be right for you to politely decline the evening invite. Maybe your hb could leave after the formal do as a compromise. If you want to be a good example you your own dc then send a small gift and card from you all with good wishes. It's never too late to rebuild good relations.