What would you feel your husband should do?

[tolstoy]

Help me understand how you would feel? Imagine you have been happily married 12 years and have 3 children by your husband (7, 9 and 11). Your husband has 3 adult children from a bitter divorce decades before he met you. (They resent him divorcing their mother when they were children and his ex wife despises him.) You are friendly but not close to any of your step sons, whom you see about 2 times a year. Your husband sees them about 4 times a year. Now your husband's 35 year old son has invited your husband to his registry office wedding service and celebratory lunch and evening booze up. However, you and your 3 children have been sent a formal written invitation to the evening booze up (this written invitation does not include your husbands name i.e. written as if you are separated or divorced from each other.) Your step son has not called you or sent you an email explaining his decision. What would you feel and what would you do? What would you feel your husband should do?

That was me pigler who talked about previous events. Not the OP.

Incidentally, my husband and I got married in a registry office with strangers as witnesses (we had a ceremony and party 8 months later)

So, you have the wedding you wanted and didn't invite his sons yet somehow his son is wrong for not inviting you...?

I thought that it was considered rude to only invite one half of a couple?

I can see why it's been done this way, but blimey, Op's been married 12ys!

You're overthinking your husband's name not being on the evening invitation, though-he's obviously already invited to that.

Some very wise posts on this thread, explaining the situation from the groom's point of view.

I understand why you feel how you do. But, everyone is right when they say "it's not about you". This is the most important day of your DSS's life. Someone was going to have to feel sidelined, it's right that it's you as you aren't close to him. It's not the time for point scoring or making a stand over principals and loyalty.

Divorces are complicated. Especially for the children involved ( whatever their age).

It sounds like the step son and his wife to be have come up with a reasonable solution here.

Don't turn it into A Thing op. Behave impeccably.

Certainly do nothing that might prevent your DH from attending his own son's wedding. That is something that will never go away.

I must be an extremely emotionally unbalanced woman

No , but there are always situations in everyone's life where we emotionally revert back to foot stamping toddlers and sometimes we need a heads up to remind us we are proper grown ups

Remove the fact that he's your DSS. You've been invited to a wedding of a friend you see a couple of times a year, I'm sure you wouldn't expect to go to the day event, just the night.

I appreciate its not that simple but I'd be grateful to have been invited.

It would be hilarious if the DH wasn't invited to the evening

No , but there are always situations in everyone's life where we emotionally revert back to foot stamping toddlers and sometimes we need a heads up to remind us we are proper grown ups wink

Now, this I agree with and it has certainly given me a lot to think about in regard to my own situation with my dss. I hope OP can take similar from it.

You don't get an automatic day invite through bring the wife of the grooms dad. Not when it's as fraught as this sounds.

Your Dh has to go. You don't but you should. With a smile on your face. What the hell is the relationship going to be like in the future if you don't?

I haven't read all of the responses but just wanted to say that we got married in a registry office and were very limited in numbers so it could just be as simple as practicality.

Also - a lot of people who choose to marry at a registry office do so because they want a small wedding with only immediate family there. And then a lunch at a restaurant will also be small too.

I think it is nice that they are having an evening event that you and your children ARE invited to. You have already said you don't see your step children very often and are not close.

Be happy for your DH that even after past animosity he is invited to the ceremony and lunch. Be happy for your step son as he gets married and wish them well. Go to the evening do and let go of the fact you feel slighted. Don't make it about you. It's about your DH and his son and their relationship which sounds distant anyway. Don't contribute to any further bad feeling.

I always think of my Aunt in these situations.

She divorced from my uncle many years ago and he went to live with the OW (OW woman always thought he left his wife for her but actually my aunt discovered his affair and kicked him out).

Throughout the years she has behaved impeccably, allowing her DC to organise their various family events as they see fit.

Sometimes she must have felt very bruised. But she knew her DC were doing their best in a complicated situation not of their making.

She is a bit of a star, my aunt.

Poor DSS and his bride.

The lead up to my own wedding was marred by similar family politics on my IL side. DH thought he was doing the right thing, had found the best compromise. But it wasn't good enough for certain family members. He was in an impossible situation.

OP, try to forgive your DH for doing the right thing by his son. You would expect him to be at any of the younger children's weddings wouldn't you?

The DSS has tried to minimise drama at his (by the sounds of it) small wedding, while still including his DSM and half siblings. He has considered the feelings of his DM, his DF, his DSM, his half siblings.

Please tell me you're not hoping that your DH will decline the invite? What sort of loyalty will that show to his son, who has tried to include all members of his family, particularly those closest to him?

Spare a thought for DSS. He is between a rock and a hard place trying not to offend his dad or his mum when he should be celebrating his wedding.

I know this because we have the exact same scenario with DH's family.
We were already married when they split but DS's christening was almost ruined by his parents fighting over whether his dad's DP was invited.

His dad wouldn't come if she wasn't. His mum wouldn't come if she was.
DH and I were really upset at how we were being dragged into their feud (this was 10 yrs post split)

In the end we had to invite his dad's partner just to the church and not the christening party afterwards. We wanted everyone to come to the whole thing and just be happy but that wasn't an option. Fortunately his dad's partner was quite reasonable about it and never gave us a hard time.

Every family occasion was marred by this stuff for over a decade including his younger sisters wedding.

Please be a grown up about this and think of his children who are basically innocent bystanders.

You say you and DH have a happy marriage. You have 3 children together - and they get to grow up with their Dad. You're the winner here - you should be happy - and yet you are acting in such a touchy, insecure way, I'm wondering if something else is going on?

If you can't go to the evening do without looking like you've sucked a lemon, you are right to make your excuses and not go.

I would imagine that your DH would have liked you there all day - but has agreed to this arrangement as he doesn't want to miss his son's wedding (understandably). That doesn't mean he wouldn't really appreciate his wife's support at the end of the evening. This could be your opportunity to be gracious and show a united front.

But this holding it against your DH and not being able to get over it? Really? You are beginning to sound a little bit like his ex.

I find it sad you can't be gracious and see the irony of your own post. You say you only had strangers to witness your wedding, which therfore means none of his dcs were invited. When your DC s marry if they didn't want invite their half siblings would you support your dcs decision as it's their wedding or your dh if he insisted they attended.

You have been invited, just not to the ceremony.

I'd let him get on with it. It wouldn't bother me at all.

It's fine. Weddings hardly ever happen without putting someone's nose out of joint, I think the son has been fair enough and the situation seems tenuous enough without picking out problems that aren't really there. You were asked, so was his Dad. This man has grown up in home where his mum hates his dad, and he has chosen to marry, cut him some slack, it's his day, it's not about you. Just enjoy the wedding.

gobbo I just spoke to DH and asked him what he would do in this situation. He said it would depend on the reasons behind the invites. If it was due to space / numbers / not wanting any children at the ceremony then he would totally understand. He said of his son was inviting him out of a sense of duty rather than actually wanting him there then he would offer to stay away. However, he said that if dss had not invited me and the children but had chosen to invite his step father and step siblings (adults from his mothers remarriage) then he would feel very hurt and it would take a lot of convincing to make him want to attend. At previous events, it has been the case that dss has invited his step dad and step siblings and omitted DH and it has upset DH, especially the graduation as he paid for all of dss accommodation whilst he was at uni (and that of his twin) and didn't get to see him graduate (his twin invited him and he attended).
Maybe DHs attitude is wrong, I don't know.
OP - sorry for the thread derail but hopefully it is somewhat helpful to see that these things are often very complicated.

I also think you're being a complete brat about it all. Let him go to his son's wedding and don't be so selfish.

And by the way the step soon doesn't have to explain his decision to you! The cheek of you!

Ugh. These situations never go well, OP.

Rise above it. You barely see his adult children, you know the split was nothing to do with you, you have been invited as a member of the extended family. Treat the wedding reception party bit as a nice knees-up for people you are distantly related to and wish well. Rise above it.

(A plea from a DIL whose life has been dominated by conversations and perceived slights from divorced parents-in-law and their partners. Usually it's nothing to do with them, and if they would see that and be generous then everyone would be able to live together much more happily.)

I think this sounds fair to me, under the circs.

It may be financial that he hasn't included you and your 3 dc to the lunch. It may be space saving.

Many registry office weddings are small affairs. Is this your dh's son's first marriage? Or maybe his fiance's? That may have a baring to how big a 'do' they want.

I think you should happily let your dh go and join him in the evening. Its someone's wedding day, let them have the day they want and be gracious about it.

The OP seems to have withdrawn from the thread...
I wonder why after 12 years and 3 kids the OP still needs her OH to prove he has chosen her? The request/need for public displays of affiliation tend to suggest some underlying problem & the whole premise is self-defeating...
The accepted etiquette for weddings is that those getting married get to choose the guest list etc But they don't do it in a vacuum & lots of agonising goes into trying to please family factions...

"He is between a rock and a hard place trying not to offend his dad or his mum"

It might not be about his parents though, it might also be that he doesn't want Op at his wedding.

That said, if there's not much of a relationship, he might not even be that bothered about having his father there!

Many thanks for all your comments, really helpful. Ouch, goddessofsmall things, don't hold back. I have let my husband know that everyone thinks I am wrong and, therefore, I am and that he should go. So he is going to all 3 and I am planning to go to the evening with our 3 children. What's difficult is that human's can't help their feelings (even when they are unhinged and pathetic feelings). The day is sorted. However, unrelated to the wedding, I'm left with a future pretending all is fine while his grown up sons turn up to meet him or don't turn up (paying him back for when he let them down as children, I get that) or being honest. It's a lonely life pretending (I've been doing the gracious bit for 12 years). Relax, I am definitely doing it for the wedding in a months time (really appreciate all of you telling me straight).However, my children will suffer in the future regardless (they can see through my pretending and become confused when I smile and say everything is fine). Whereas, if I tell the truth I wouldn't blame my husband for eventually no longer wanting to be with me. So I assume you'll tell me to fake it till I even convince myself. Is it unfair on your partner to be fake? I believe lots of people lie in order for family life to continue smoothly. Being single is lonely...but so is being married and trying to pretend you are this gracious being.