What would you feel your husband should do?

[tolstoy]

Help me understand how you would feel? Imagine you have been happily married 12 years and have 3 children by your husband (7, 9 and 11). Your husband has 3 adult children from a bitter divorce decades before he met you. (They resent him divorcing their mother when they were children and his ex wife despises him.) You are friendly but not close to any of your step sons, whom you see about 2 times a year. Your husband sees them about 4 times a year. Now your husband's 35 year old son has invited your husband to his registry office wedding service and celebratory lunch and evening booze up. However, you and your 3 children have been sent a formal written invitation to the evening booze up (this written invitation does not include your husbands name i.e. written as if you are separated or divorced from each other.) Your step son has not called you or sent you an email explaining his decision. What would you feel and what would you do? What would you feel your husband should do?

It's important to remember it's not your husband's decision. It's your DSS who sent the invitations and made the decision regarding who he wants at his wedding. I totally understand why you're upset and why you think your husband should stand up for you, but given the event (someone's wedding, one of the biggest, most special day of people's lives) it's not fair to expect your husband to ask his son to change that day because you're upset.

The way you feel is reasonable. Your expectations of how to deal with it are not.

I think it's fair enough. You've said you are not close and only see him a couple of times a year. It sounds like he is having a small wedding and lunch for close friends and family only and it's much more awkward to separate warring factions within the family at a small wedding than at a very large one.

This sounds like a fair compromise to me, keeps his mother from banging on about it and making trouble, means he gets to have his dad there but doesn't totally exclude you.

Also your children are young and it might be a child free wedding with kids at the after party only.

Personally, I'd be delighted but then I find weddings very boring. I'd much rather be at home than at the ceremony and standing about for hours of photos.
Apart from that, what everyone else has said. You aren't close and the family seems divided. He's probably trying to keep everyone happy. They've probably had numerous discussions on what they should do. Perhaps it's a small wedding. Perhaps his mum kicked up a stink. Re. you not being able to forgive your husband: in this situation, there's nothing to forgive... It's his son. He brought him into this world and he has a big responsibility towards him. Don't ask him to choose when his son appears to just be making the best of an awkward situation.

You're being really unreasonable: you hardly ever see your stepson and he has invited you to the evening reception, which was the polite thing to do. Your H is of course going to wish to attend his son's marriage!

It would be fine to decline politely. Would be very unreasonable indeed to "not have anything to do with" the groom and seek to prevent him seeing his half siblings.

In all honestly I would be thinking 'geddin, a family wedding I can say no ta to without any comeback' Weddings are dull.

Stop making this about you. Be gracious

Tell your DH the most important thing is to ensure that the bride and groom have the day they want. Therefore, ask him to contact his son and say you very much appreciate the invitation, however you and the children are happy to bow out if that would make the day work better and other guests (no need to mention his mother directly) feel more comfortable. The most important thing for you and the children is that your step-son has a lovely day that he remembers for all the right reasons.

You're turning this event into a power struggle and ruining it for your DH. That is really unkind

I missed this sadly for our relationship I feel unable to forgive him for what I believe is disloyalty and don't want his sons to have anything to do with my sons

Um - what about what your children want?! Please get a grip here - if the boot was in the other foot, the vast majority of posts would be telling you to leave your DH as he is abusuve

It is in your long term interest to swallow your feelings and let him go. You can certainly decline the evening yourself though. Feelings understandable but I are an adult and need to control those and use rationality and think longer term.

You sound slightly irrational - it's your husband's son getting married, and understandably he wants his father there

You and your children are invited to the evening reception, perfectly acceptable, go or don't go, it's up to you

Who do you think you are to decide that your children should have nothing to do with his adult children? Grow up ffs, and if you feel unable to forgive your husband for his 'disloyalty' you are treading a very dangerous path

And why do you expect your step son to phone with an explanation? It's perfectly obvious why it's been organised like this, he doesn't owe you an explanation

You are allowed to feel how you feel, and differing opinions on here won't change that.

But I would think you are making a massive mountain out of a molehill. It's their wedding and they are entitled to invite who they like to whichever bits of it. Threatening to cut off contact in the future, and to not forgive your husband (for what? Not feeling about it the same way you do?) is totally OTT.

But op, you aren't even close to your dh's son. His children from his first marriage are, it seems, totally separate to you and your life with dh, wrongly or rightly. I'm not sure why you would think it a given that you would be invited to the intimate part of their wedding and were I you, Id be pleased to be invited to the party.I'd go to support your h, who will no doubt find the whole day awkward if there is animosity or just plain dislike between him and his ex wife and their children together.
Why would you make what is already a hard situation for your h, even harder?
His children's loyalty seems to lie with their mum for whatever reason-and his son has found a compromise that means his dad will be able to be at his entire wedding. It's ridiculous to feel slighted by that.
Magic dust? Focus on the fact that this is just one day-you have your h for the rest of your life, and your kids have presumably a loving relationship with their Dad-which will be long lasting-far longer than 24 hours involving a wedding.By sucking it up and being supportive you are behaving as you should and no one will have any reason to question or find fault with your behaviour.

Let's face it, it will be the bride and her family who are calling the shots on the invitations. Are you even close to them?

tolstoy I can really see your point of view because my DH has adult children from a previous marriage. One of those children he isn't close to at all and i imagine this is the sort of thing he would do - invite his dad out of obligation but not invite me or our children or only invite us to the evening do.
If my step son did this I can hand on heart say that my DH would either only attend the evening do along with me and the kids or he would not attend at all. Out of principle he would not go to the ceremony knowing that I and the children had been deliberately excluded. At the end of the day he loves his older children but he also loves me and our children and we are the people he lives with and support him on a daily basis. I have no doubt his decision would cause a huge fall out with dss but that would be due to dss inconsiderate behaviour.
Plus what does it say about how he views his young siblings? He clearly doesn't want them to share his big day.
DSS is a grown man.

To add: if my DH did by some miracle decide to attend without me i can't say that it would bother me as it is his son and I wouldn't want to interfere in their relationship. However, I am almost 100% certain that my husband would not attend the ceremony.

Out of principle he would not go to the ceremony knowing that I and the children had been deliberately excluded. At the end of the day he loves his older children but he also loves me and our children and we are the people he lives with and support him on a daily basis.

So it's the DSC fault that their parents split up and so can't live with him or be there on 'a daily basis to support him' then is it?

I have no doubt his decision would cause a huge fall out with dss but that would be due to dss inconsiderate behaviour

Oh how nice . So neither of you would be able to see that your DSS might be in an impossible position with pressure being put on him from his mother and would just be trying to take the least bad option

As you say, you and your DC live with your DH on a daily basis but couldn't be the bigger people for one day and let your DSS have as stress free a wedding day as possible? . No, it would have to be tainted by a huge family fall out.

My parents aren't divorced but my DH'soatebts are a bit odd and his sister is very selfish. They put us in a very difficult position regarding SIL's wedding but I did what I could to facilitate things because it was just one day and causing a huge family fall out would actually cause the most upset to my DH - who I love

I can really see why people elope

It's his sons big day so really you should not be making him feel guilty for going.
When your dc are older maybe you will understand but if my partner was causing a scene about my sons wedding like you seem to be it would change the dynamics of our relationship for me and not for the better.
Now is your opportunity to be graceful and fully support your dh and his son.
Offer any assistance if they need any. They will probzbly say they don't but by offering it shows your acceptance and respect and your dh will really appreciate it I'm sure.
It's their wedding day so it's about them not you or family dynamics.
Let them enjoy their day. Having his dad there is very important to him

My DH went alone to his DC's wedding.
I'm sure he'd have liked to have me there, and I was sorry not to support him at such a massive occasion for him but for all my weird feelings about it, it simply wasn't about me. I knew he had children when we got together.
A big chunk of the wedding was paid for from savings I brought to our marriage. You just have to really, consciously acknowledge those twinges of feeling and choose to let them go. It's only you they damage, after all.

It wouldn't be a huge family fallout gobbo. It would be a huge fallout with dss (1 person) because he is a total drama queen. He has had many fallings out with DH because he blames me for his parents marriage splitting up (they were already divorced when we met). He only contacts DH when he wants money and falls out with him if he can't five him any so I think DH would manage another drama queen episode.
Like I said, I would not prevent him going and wouldn't be angry if he wanted to go but I know he wouldn't.

Out of principle he would not go to the ceremony knowing that I and the children had been deliberately excluded.

Where one's own children are concerned, and their very complex but valid feeling of hurt and rejection which can last a lifetime and their fears that the atmosphere may be marred by lingering bitterness and resentment among divorced parents and new partners WHICH INCIDENTALLY ARE ALL VERY REAL CONCERNS AND ARE THE RESULT OF SITUATIONS IMPOSED ON THEM BY THEIR PARENTS AND NOT ANYTHING THEY EVER ASKED FOR OR INVITED UPON THEMSELVES I am not sure there is room for principle, is there? Surely their feelings should trump his principle?

When second wives say things like that it smacks of insecurity and needing to be paraded on his arm in front of everyone so you can smugly prove ownership of him. You've already said he's not close to the son who probably wouldn't invite you, so what do you care? Get over yourself.

At the end of the day he loves his older children but he also loves me and our children and we are the people he lives with and support him on a daily basis.

Yes, because his first set of children really got given the option to choose that domestic idyll for themselves didn't they?

I don't care slotted and don't need to get over myself. I already said that I wouldn't prevent him going alone. I said he would choose to not attend. mt DH has spent most of the last two decades trying to appease his son and has realised that he would never succeed.

Also, OP, you say you didn't think it would be a big deal for your husband not to go seeing as you just had a wedding with witnesses. Perhaps by the same logic your step son thought it wouldn't be a big deal for you not to attend given he wasn't invited to your wedding.

And as for he domestic idyll. His sons has already left for uni when he split with their mum and they have never returned home. He stayed with his wife until their children had finished A levels. It's not like he shacked up with me and broke up their childhoods but that is the image that 1 dss often projects.

Incidentally, my husband and I got married in a registry office with strangers as witnesses (we had a ceremony and party 8 months later), therefore, I didn't really feel that it would be such a big deal if he didn't go.

But that was your choice. You made a decision so you can enforce a similar decision on someone else? I don't think so. How unpleasant.

You're being nasty and very selfish, actually. You and your children haven't replaced his older children. And if things haven't always been great on that front, then his son his probably trying to best meet everyone's needs whilst also taking this opportunity to build the relationship with his dad.

I agree with whoever said that this will be about appeasing his son's mother as much as anything. Having been in that position, I can only imagine the handwringing that has gone in to making the final decision. And, of course, there's always someone who isn't happy because they think the decision should have been all about them. (When it is probably nothing to do with them at all.)

I think it would be really petty and churlish of you to not attend. Unfortunately, you need to suck it up and behave like the big grown up person that you are. You are not the most important person here.

Oh, and if your step sons show an interest in building a relationship with your children; their siblings, then I would encourage and welcome that with open arms.