Anyone have any experience of their young child making abuse claim against their own father?

[bluestardressinggown]

I split with my ex when I found out I was pregnant, so 5 years ago. He has always been a part of our DD's life, and although I find him to be passive aggressive, arrogant towards me at times I have never had any major concerns regarding his care over our child.

My DD blurted out a couple of weeks ago that her Dad had touched her privates. She went into quite a lot of detail on her own accord, only to then say she made it all up. Since then she has said again on numerous occasions that he did do it and gave a whole load of very graphic descriptions and 'played' out what he did when she said she didn't have the words. She has been toing and froing between stating that he has been doing this and that he hasn't.

I rang social services and they are investigating. They interviewed my DD but she said nothing to them. They are now deciding whether to pursue the investigation. I've only just been allowed to tell my ex that they are involved and that they told me that I can't tell him the reason. His response was that it is nothing that he could have done and he is happy for anyone to speak to him/his partner.

I've been through hell since she told me, I can't sleep or eat. I feel devastated, confused. I just don't know what to think. I honestly don't know if it is true, or if she has just somehow got her thoughts muddled up. I'm off work at the moment due to the stress of everything. I'm scared about how things are going to proceed with SS and what the long term effects of all this will be on her and also, if it is deemed untrue etc what life will be like dealing with her Dad.

I am lucky that I have a small handful of people in RL I can talk openly about this, but it's just so bloody difficult. I never thought in my wildest nightmares that something like this would happen in our lives.

Sorry if I'm posting in the wrong place, didn't really know where else to go

What spirited says. A friend of mine is a child advocate for a children's charity and it's amazing how she gets children to trust her and tell her things that they wouldn't tell others. It takes a lot of gentle patience though - especially with a child that young.
I'm so sorry that you and your dd are in this position and hope you can find a way through.

I think your ex's response is slightly odd actually. To say "it can't be anything to do with me" and "i'm happy for them to speak to me."
Most people's reactions wouldn't even go down that line of thinking and would be really concerned about what might have happened to their dd.

I disagree. I don't think there would be a 'normal' way to respond to being accused of abusing your child, whether you were innocent or not. If innocent, you would offer to help with inquiries. The OP doesn't say if he expressed shock - one would imagine an innocent would be pretty speechless.

innocent dad

Not that I have any idea if he's innocent of course.

Oblomov16 Thu 24-Nov-16 18:33:23
Pp's wrote: why would she lie?
Children do not always tell the truth.

That is wrong Oblamov in the sense that she has to be telling some sort of truth.

As one poster said, she can only know this from something that has happened to her or something she has seen happen, or something someone has been talking to her about. In all these instances she remains the victim of abuse.

It is possible I believe, as another said for her to be blaming Dad instead of someone else for some reason of her own. An absolute expert in this sort of thing, perhaps not to be found among the Social Services people, would have to be the one to find out though.

It is true, be very careful not to suggest anything to her inadvertently, just listen.

You have been very brave bluestar. I hope you and your little girl will get the help you need.

I agree with kinddog; this child is a victim of some sort of abuse because this doesn't come from nowhere in children.

It's very sad that there is so much highly sexualised content in the media because children see a huge number of sexualised images there long before they are old enough to process it properly.

OP, I would just like to apologise for my suggestion of the dolls scenario. I would never suggest something that could harm any investigation. SpiritedLondon I am glad you corrected me, thank you.

Following my DD's first interview (if that is the right word) last week, SS have decided that although she didn't say anything that what she had said to me was significant enough to investigate further. They have referred the case to a new unit and I have been assigned a social worker who will work with us exclusively. She explained that they are going to have a strategy meeting with the police and medical professionals to decide the next step, but that it is likely that the first step will be for her to go in an speak to my DD, perhaps with a couple of plain clothes police officers present and that she will go and see DD on more than one occasion to build up a rapport and trust.

I went back to work today, but was so stressed and distracted that I think most of my colleagues became a bit miffed by me. I still have that horrible feeling of grief all over my body.

I'm taking the advice that I've been given, which is taking one day at a time.

I now that in my are there is a charity called rape and sexual support services. They support with counselling and advice and support with the justice system. Specialist agencies might help a lot

Thank you very much for coming back with an update. A lot of us are concerned, and If you ever need it you'll get a lot of support here. I don't know what I'd do in your position, but I know my child would come first. However, I'd be overwhelmed by the battery from everybody else trying to get through, so I really am sending out warm hugs to you.

Thank God for posters who are willing to share their knowledge and experience. My heart breaks for you both. Thank you Spirited for posting. I am sure your advice is so helpful.

Hold onto the light that she has told you, she is young, she has you as a Mammy and she has e experts caring for her.

Bluestar you are being so very brave and strong and everyone's heart goes out to you and your daughter. She must trust you to have talked to you in the first place and you are getting her the best help possible. Keep as well as you can yourself for both your sakes.

Thinking of you and your little girl op. Like pp says, it's good that she trusts you and you're getting the help she needs.

Thinking of you and your poor DD.

You have done the right thing showing her that you believe her and that you want to keep her safe.

OP you have done the right thing - and there is hope I know some wonderful survivors of childhood sexual assault who are now wonderful successful young women. You are doing the right thing in: listening, believing and reporting.

(BTW in the hitting case up thread - well in years to come it may just be that the little girl was telling the truth, you can't know as you weren't there.)

The social worker rang this morning to let me know that it had been decided at the strategy meeting that she would go and interview my DD at school today, together with an non-uniform police officer. When she called after this meeting in the afternoon she told me that my DD had disclosed to them some of the stuff that she had told me that her Dad had done. She said that I need to take DD to some place next week where they will talk to her again but under video.

I feel very sad that this has all happened of course, but also relieved that DD repeated what she had said to me to someone else because so far she has only spoken to me about it and it was making me feel like I was going mad.

The SW said that she would ring my ex immediately after our phone call to tell him that DD had made allegations about him and that he is now under investigation. I've also arranged to meet the SW face-to-face this week, so that we can talk more in depth etc about it all.

I'm so stressed out and upset by all this. I feel like I've been shot.

DD was lovely today, she was so happy and loving when I came home and we had a lovely evening together. She was much easier to get to bed too, as her bed time routine has been horrendous for the last few months.

I'm so, so sorry, OP.

At least you have the peace of mind of knowing that this information is out there now and you will not be fighting any battles alone.

Be very gentle with yourself and give yourself time. You are going through something harder than most of us ever have to face.

Has your ex been in touch with you? Best not to speak to him again tbh. Whatever the truth is, talking to him could affect the investigation.

For what it's worth, it may not be the worst case scenario. I made allegations against my dad when I was 5, while in foster care. My mum had been diagnosed with puerperal psychosis after my youngest brother was born and the 7 of us were taken into care as my Dad (who has ASD) couldn't cope with looking after us. Even at the time I had no memory of the abuse but I gave my foster mother a detailed and horrific account of several incidents. We lost all contact with our dad and my parents had to divorce so that my mum could get us back. Social services told her we would never be returned to her if she didn't divorce him as they believed she would allow contact. Years later my mum ended up on a psychological ward again for mutliple suicide attempts and various mental illnesses. She underwent intensive therapy, and during this time she admitted that the abuse I had described at 5 was actually a specific set of incidents that had happened to her as a child and that while experiencing puerperal psychosis she had told me about it in detail. I had then confused it in my mind and repeated it as though it were my experience.

I'm not saying this is what's happened to your DD, I'm telling you this because at this point this is your best case scenario. It's still awful, but I truly truly hope it's something she's repeating rather than something she's experienced.

It's interesting that she's disclosed to someone else and now she's gone to sleep much easier. Do you think that could be related?

There are no words, but know that you're in my thoughts and I'm sending you a gentle

You're doing so well, your dd is so lucky to have such a loving and supportive mummy

OP, I'm so sorry that you and your DD are going through this. Not to project, but I remember after I disclosed my abuse having the best sleep ever!

The only advice I can give is that you are going through a hugely stressful time and its easy to forget details and then worry about it later. If you have any questions for the social worker write them down and take it with you. I used to do this before seeing the police to give evidence etc and it really helped.

You sound like a lovely mum and you will get through this together

Bluestar
You are an amazing mum and a very rare kind of mum. My DD1 sees many families who didn't handle your situation the 'right' way and it leads to so much heartache. I know it feels like you've gone into or woken up in a very bad dream and you feel torn up and broken inside, you're trying to cope with this too. You're doing the best for your little girl I promise. And even if it doesn't get to court, keep believing and keep loving your DD, this will help you both come to terms. It never leaves you and please don't start thinking 'if only' and 'What if' they'll add to your feelings of being in a nightmare. Let her keep talking to you, it's how she'll start to heal.
Just when you think you're adjusting to the new normal, she'll probably disclose more and that's ok, it's how she'll figure it out. She knows you can be trusted, you are the one protecting her, you are the one who'll always love her no matter how awful she feels. In time these episodes become less frequent, but it may blow up again during puberty when the full impact of what happened hits her. It'll be ok because YOU came through it, battered and a lot scarred and she'll know you can handle whatever she remembers, she saw and felt you deal with it. You are her safe place!
I'm not saying it's going to be easy, far from it, but think to yourself what will help her the most. for you both or even just you when she's asleep and you can let the anguish, pain and sorrow out.

Don't forget to be kind to yourself too.

You're doing great, with this awful situation. You're a wonderful Mum, and have taken action for your DD immediately.

I'm sure your DD felt quite relieved after speaking to them, despite not knowing who they were - maybe she felt that 'weight' lift off her shoulders.

Lots of love and positive thoughts coming to you and your very brave DD

Hi OP. Just wanted to say I've been thinking about you and your DD and hope that you are both doing well

Thank you so much for everyone's messages. Here is an update. My DD was interviewed this week under video by the same police officer that she saw last week. I was told after that she had said broadly the same as what she had previously told me and what she had said the week before to them. They said this was enough to justify arresting my ex which they hope to do by the end of this week. They won't tell me exactly what she said to them until they have spoken to him. I don't know what the next steps are after that.