What happened when you told the husband/ wife

[Molly333]

Following on from a recent thread in here what happened when those of you told the partner/ husband/wife of the person who was part of the 'affair' ?

Lyingwitch is the voice of reason. I'm not a faux feminist, I'm a real one and I will challenge outdated sexist double standards where I see them.

When the day comes that a cheating husband gets cheated on by his affair partner and this gets called 'karma' I'll get my coat.

For some strange reason I am actually really upset at being called stupid.
No idea why, words on a screen and all that.

I will hide the thread now as it is not worth me feeling like shit about. That should make you and Lying happy Sheba.

I didn't call you stupid, Bubble. I said 'you can't argue with stupid', ie. lack of reason. There is a difference.

You've said an awful lot on this thread and I don't agree with any of what you've posted but that doesn't mean you can't say it within guidelines, just as I can tell you that what you're posting isn't fair.

Thank God... I was just about to suggest that Bubble leave or hide the thread for her own self preservation.

And I agree with Morris. Even in 2016, in a mostly female environment, we will still find people blaming OW more than husbands for infidelity and deserving of worse punishment. Depressing.

No actually she should have punched OM and broken more than his hand

Sorry I did that on purpose as thread is annoying me now.

I haven't found it annoying, but some of the beliefs expressed on it have been utterly terrifying.

It's like an episode of Eastenders featuring women who have been brought up to think that men are The Prize and that women are The Enemy.

There will be blaming of OW on here as the majority of posters are female and it's another female that their husband cheated with.

If this was a predominately male forum, then men would be posting about another man that their wife cheated with.

When you have children and you have been cheated on by their father, you are in the unfortunate position of having to be tied to him in some way forever because of the kids, regardless of whether you divorce him or try to mend the marriage. I.e. You have to engage with your cheating spouse so because of this you need to come to terms (make some kind of resolution/rationalisation/end to) their behaviour in whatever way you see fit so that you can continue to deal with them. On the other hand you largely do not have to deal with the OW (as she'll likely have been his work colleague or something) so she can just be consigned to the "evil" category.

In my view, the cheating spouse and the OW (in this case as I am female) are each 50% to blame. The difference is you have to get past your spouse's 50% somehow. You don't have to get past the OW's 50%. It isn't blaming women, it's just the reality of what you need to deal with. Believe me I know, I've had to deal with my cheating spouse!

"When you are in a relationship you have a right to know if your partner is having sex with someone else. You need that information to protect your own sexual and mental health. That is far more important that the cheaters right to lie or finally be honest as they see fit."

^This. I know a woman whose dp slept with a prostitute on a stag weekend. His mates knew. I think some told their dp's. If someone had thought to tell her, she wouldn't have slept with him again, and he wouldn't have given her an sti, and potentially risked her fertility.

The same scumbag tried to shag my mate, while his new dp was pregnant. Not only risking his dp, but his unborn child.

Wow, i didn't expect that amount of backlash! Although I know how much mumsnet can be judgy.

For those who have said I am smug, I really am not. I did not steal anyone's husband - he left of his own accord, as i left my husband. Ok, we were wrong to cheat, which is why we ended up leaving. We both knew, for separate reasons that our marriages were over.

For the record i was more than 'happy to take one on the chin' as posters have put it, which is why i came to the door in the first place. She had every right to confront me. However it was my exh that called the police, he does not condone violence and was actually quite worried as she was damaging our property. Once the police turned up and they saw the damage she had caused they have a duty to the public to arrest and charge. Once we had given a statement it was all out of our hands.

She lost her job as her employer did not want someone with a criminal record working there.

My point was purely that every action has a reaction so to speak. As far as my exh was concerned him telling OM's wife seemed like a good idea at the time, but due to her reactions it didn't fair too well for her in the end.

People do have to take responsibility for there own actions. Fracturing someone's cheekbone and putting a hole in someone's door is illegal, regardless of the motive.

If this was a predominately male forum, then men would be posting about another man that their wife cheated with

No, they wouldn't. Have a look at some. The focus is on the wives 99% of the time.

Just further proof that women get all the fury from their male partners, and at least half of the fury of betrayed women. Often more than half.

Oh and I know I am running the risk of 'drip feeding', but maybe my lack of sympathy towards my dh's ex wife is because 1) This was 6 years ago now, water under the bridge, we have all moved on. 2) She was arrested (and charged with harrassment) 2 years after the offence for smashing a car window and sending abusive texts to some guy she had been seeing who finished with her.

To the person who asked how she fractured my hand, when she hit me i fell to the floor and she kicked at me (and got my hand) If my exh had not have dragged her off me then it could've been worse.

Jeez, this is a crazy thread,

For me, I think it's understandable to hate the other woman, what's not understandable is to forgive your husband, continue to love him and live with him and to hate the other woman.

Blame them both, blame him more as he had a responsibility to uou, but to focus exclusively uour hate on the woman he cheated with I can't understand. To me at the very least it should be equal treatment.

And no, no matter how tempting, uou can't be beating the crap out of the other woman.

It is wrong for someone to beat the crap out of you absolutely. It's also wrong to fuck somebody else's partner/cheat on your partner so I guess, morally speaking, you're amongst your own if you get into doing that and all bets are off to be honest. Not everyone will be understanding about having that done to them and if there personality is such that they reckon you're owed a caning for it so it is, the consequences are now on them. That's the risk you take I guess, you don't know who you're dealing with. As you say you've all moved on and you got the prize.

I've read most of the thread but not all. Has Bubblegum actually said she disagrees with the law that people can't go round assaulting each other? Because I haven't seen one post where she has said that (admittedly I might have missed it) and I've seen plenty where she has said she does agree with that law, and yet she keeps having the law explained to her as if she doesn't understand why it needs to exist...

Thestoic is spot on in this thread.

Procrastinating, from the thread Bubble felt that OW deserved a smack, (which is assault, however you slice it). On the other hand, she agrees with the law.

She's left the thread now anyway.

She appeared to be implying that she thought the law was wrong, or should be overlooked in the case of violence relating to infidelity. (To be fair, she wasn't alone.)

It's hard to explain why that's wrong without also explaining why the law is right.

Slight tangent, but strangely enough...men expect other men want to have sex with their wives. It's up to their wives not to let that to happen.

Women, on the other hand, seem outraged at the thought that other women might want to have sex with their husbands. It's up to other women not to let that happen.

She appeared to be implying that she thought the law was wrong, or should be overlooked in the case of violence relating to infidelity. (To be fair, she wasn't alone.)

Please point out where I said or implied this?

Was it where is said
^Posters are not idiots hmm
Of course the poor women deserved to be sacked^
Or when i said;
Yes the wife was punished for her actions and so she should be.
Or maybe when i said;
Morally they are the cause legally the wife was rightfully punished

At no point did i imply or say the law was wrong or should be overlooked. You have a bee in your bonnet about me Sheba and for some reason you and your side kick are enjoying the fact you have forced me from the thread.

"Procrastinating, from the thread Bubble felt that OW deserved a smack, (which is assault, however you slice it). On the other hand, she agrees with the law."

I actually don't think those two views are incompatible. If Ian Brady got stabbed today, I must admit, I'd think he deserved it. I'd still, however, hold the view that whoever stabbed him should be punished for it. Clearly murdering children isn't on a level with having an affair but I think the principle still stands. (Incidentally, I don't believe people deserves to be assaulted for cheating.)

*deserve

Christ where do some of you lot live!? I've never even seen a fight - do adults really go around belting each other? Lordy.