What happened when you told the husband/ wife

[Molly333]

Following on from a recent thread in here what happened when those of you told the partner/ husband/wife of the person who was part of the 'affair' ?

Stoic nails it. Men blame women for cheating and women blame women for cheating. It was ever thus.

Many women on here think even women who thought the guy was separated is to blame because 'men lie' and women should take responsibility for other people's marriages even when they think that marriage is over.

At no point is the man held totally to account. His blame is halved because a woman 'fell for the oldest line in the book'.

Welcome back, Bubble. Here are a few of your lines. For the sake of brevity and general tedium, I've left out the screaming and accusations of stalking and superiority. You're welcome.

What is sad is that if saphire had not fucked a married man and the husband had not cheated then the wife would not have been in a position where she lost everything

However had the cheating shameful people not that too her then she would not have been driven to such violence.

i said they are morally responsible not legally.

All this from Bubble heavily implies to me that she does not consider the wife wholly responsible (or, explicitly, "morally" responsible) for her decision to go against the law and resort to violence. I note that Bubble doesn't seem to realise that the wife lost her job (part of "everything") not because of her "position", but because of her action in assaulting Sapphire.

The law, however, does consider the wife to be fully and morally responsible for the act for which she was convicted. And that's as it should be. She would have had any mitigating circumstances taken into account in her pre sentence report. That's also as it should be.

We can't always control our circumstances, but we can control our response, and we can put ourselves in the wrong with our reaction.

Oh yes, and we shouldn't be allowed to go around belting people who upset us. Even if they really really really upset us.

But at no point did i disagree with the law Sheba which is what you are accusing me of.

Do i feel the cheating led her to become angry hurt and upset and then commit an act of violence then yes. That does not mean i think she deserves to get away with it as i have said many many times she was rightly punished.

. I note that Bubble doesn't seem to realise that the wife lost her job (part of "everything") not because of her "position", but because of her action in assaulting Sapphire.

I think you will find i do realise it as i said in my second post Of course the poor women deserved to be sacked.

You are a nasty piece of work Sheba and every post to me has been an attempt to twist my words to fit your agenda. I really dont get why you feel the need.

You are goady and baiting me with every post. Is this how you get your kicks?
Dont worry I am sure your side kick will come along soon and stick the boot in too.

Yes to what stoic said.

I think blaming the ow means that a lot of women can fool themselves into thinking that it wasn't really their husbands fault and therefore "make a go of it". But they're deluded, on the whole. Their husband chose to cheat, and if he's done it once he will do it again.

Personally I have every sympathy for the wife. MrsSapphire (is that an ironic play on words?) should have lapped it up. But she chose to press charges, showing absolutely no remorse or compassion or understanding for the cruel pain she had inflicted. She played with fire and got burned. Then she decided she couldn't tolerate the consequences. She got the woman's husband. That should have been her consolation.

No sympathy, and If this had happened where I grew up, she would honestly count herself lucky it was only the wife that turned up.

It is wrong for someone to beat the crap out of you absolutely. It's also wrong to fuck somebody else's partner/cheat on your partner so I guess, morally speaking, you're amongst your own if you get into doing that and all bets are off to be honest.

I have every sympathy for the wife in MrsSapphire's story too.

In my case, the OW emailed me. On the email address of the blog she'd complimented endlessly while having an affair with my DP, the bitch. She acted like she was being so noble in telling me, "I don't want to hurt you", blah blah blah. Which is why she waited since it all ended in January, to tell me in April.

I managed to refrain from emailing her to tell her she was a cunt and I hope she wasn't raising her daughter to be such a slut (I'd put the emoji here but I'm not ashamed), instead I confronted DP, told him I wasn't playing the pick me dance and he'd been a dickhead, told him he had perfectly good steak at home and yet he didn't even pick a burger, he picked a Findus Crispy Pancake (I usually hate that metaphor but it was accurate here), if he wanted to fuck off with his pancake he could.

We worked through it, I vented my anger at him, we're on the other side and very happy, and he knows if it ever happens again he's out on his arse with no discussion. I haven't had a chance to vent my anger at her should've sent the email when I had the chance but when we ran into her last week, I took great pleasure in staring her out until she had to turn away.

Cheating is a shitty thing to do. Being the OW is also a shitty thing to do. Telling the OW she is a cunt isn't unreasonable, it isn't "taking anger away from your DP". You can be angry at two people at once.

AntiqueSinger - FYI, if you actually read, before commenting, you will see that I did not press charges against my dh ex wife. It was in fact my exh who actually called the police. The police have a duty of care to the public. A crime was committed and she was arrested and charged. I did not press charges, I did not need to - it was a criminal offense. Statements were taken and that was that.

if there was a road traffic accident and someone ploughed their car into my car and caused an accident whereby property was damaged and someone was hurt, i would not have to press charges against the dick who ploughed into my car, if the police were called then they would take over and arrest the driver and investigate.

Had a brief thing with a man I thought was separated . Realised he wasn't and called time on it . Wouldn't have felt it my place to tell his wife

In the case of the pp I think I would have taken the punch to be honest I know violence shouldn't be condoned but you do sound a bit smug she literally ended up losing nearly everything ! I couldn't live with myself playing a part in that !

I wonder if some of the posters on here think i deserved a good beating from my husband (at the time) and if PP's would think that this was acceptable too.....

At the end of the day, he was cheated on too. But he didn't knock me or OM out. Needless to say, he does not have a criminal record now, or lost his job! He was able to vent in the normal way of screaming, shouting, asking questions, demanding answers and talking things through like a human being. Which is why, fast forward six years later he and i have a good friendship, co-parent well, there is no animosity between him and OM (my new husband), and more importantly our kids are happy.

Marriages break down, people make mistakes, people hurt and get hurt. Its sad, but true.

I think initially you blame the OW as are so heartbroken you can't or don't want to believe your DH would do such a thing to you or your children. It is easier to believe that evil OW brainwashed him or took advantage of his midlife crisis. This is totally understandable but passes and you realise that although the OW is to blame, your DH is the one that broke your trust. It isn't an mn ow hunt at all.

That OW is partially to blame* your DH is massively to blame and the one who broke your trust

No but i think the OM deserved a smack from your DH.

I think you still sound smug Sapphire.
Do your children know what you did? How you lied and cheated their dad?

Actualy MrsSapphire - it would have been based on YOUR statement that the charges were pressed. You could have dropped them. The fact your exDH called the police really is irrelevant

Anyway, enough derailing. Why doesn't everyone that is arguing create their own thread and let OP's question now be answered

clumsyduck, how do i sound smug?

It is not my fault she lost her job, that was at the discretion of her employer! If she had been working in another industry then i'm sure she would not have lost her job!
Even if me and OM had not cheated, we would still have left our spouses for each other as we were in love. Would that have made it any better? She would still have been angry and lost her husband.

Is it really my fault that my dh made a mistake marrying her in the first place, or that he choose to leave her?

And, as it happens, at the time i did feel sorry for her and guilty. However, over the years she has shown herself to be not a very nice (or sane) person, so no, I care very little now.

I suppose the poor guy who dumped her about a year later deserved his car window being smashed by her and getting nasty text messages and letters from her too right?

And in case anyone didn't see that in my previous post, she got a criminal record for harassment for that too. She clearly doesn't take rejection well.

loobyloo1234 - the police came, they took a statement as to what happened. They took the facts. As what would happen in a road traffic accident. They also took a statement from my exdh and a man who lived across the road he saw it all.

It was not down to me or anyone to press or drop charges. For her not to have been arrested and charged then both myself, exdh and the man across the road would have to have refused to give a statement.

Her bad behaviour does not cancel out yours.

My dh married the wrong woman yuk.

Its one thing for your marriage to end because there is no longer any love. It is another to have it end because your spouse was a spineless coward who chose to lie and cheat and put your health at risk.

None of you are covered in glory Sapphire all 3 if you look bad and have behaved disgustingly.

Do your children know what you did? How you lied and cheated their dad? - No, we (me and exdh) decided to keep the gory details of our split from our teen dc. They do know that both exdh had not been happy for a long time and that me and (now dh) fell in love and wanted to be together.

Both exdh and I kept our dc out of any gory details and remained adult about it. Which is why our dc are happy and not screwed up.

Afaik the police can press charges based on any number of witness statements. As the ex H witnessed the assault, his statement plus a medical assessment of sapphire's injuries may well have been sufficient.

I wonder what they will think when they find out what you both did and the kind of people you and your DH are?

I'm ashamed to say I had an affair with a MM when I was 19.

His wife found out because he was cautious of his phone and my number appeared hundreds of times on his phone bill. She called me one day pretending to have the wrong number but I knew it was her.

She confronted him and he owned up. She threw him out but then took him back after a couple of months. I ended the affair just after she'd chucked him out.

She clearly doesn't take rejection well.

Are you really struggling to see the smugness?

Regardless of who is in the right or wrong, its not me, my dh or my exdh who have a criminal record now or who have shown themselves to be a psycho loon. Both me, dh and exdh (and our dc) are all happy. We've made our mistakes, paid our dues and all moved on.

She clearly doesn't take rejection well. - Was it a normal reaction to smash up a guys car and harass him with threats after he finished with her after 6 months? i don't think so.

I do agree though that sapphire could do nothing once the police were involved she could not control the action they took. The fact the ex has a criminal record is becasue she broke the law.