What happened when you told the husband/ wife

[Molly333]

Following on from a recent thread in here what happened when those of you told the partner/ husband/wife of the person who was part of the 'affair' ?

Boneyback, not all of the posts are bonkers but there are some absolutely rabid ones that really are. They go beyond interpretation, launching straight to outright projection. That's not fair to Sapphire who has been the target for nearly every bit of it on this thread.

I dont suppose it was fair what sapphire and the om did either. You cant moan about fairness for a person who has no morals and did not care about fairness when they cheated on their spouses.

And back to the 'she deserved it'. You're saying that people relinquish their human rights when they have an affair? I don't agree.

Erm no.
I said why should posters be fair.

No morals? That is quite an extrapolation. And i agree with motherinferior too.

Not really. I would think anyone who has an affair, cheats on their spouse with another married person has few morals if any at all.

It is a very selfish thing to do. Cheaters are cheats. They lie and scheme, they care nothing for their spouse and do not even think of their children if they have any. They risk the sexual health of another person and all because they cannot be fair and end the marriage before fucking somebody else.
Does that sound like somebody with morals?

Many years ago, I was cheated on. I went around to tell the OWs husband about the affair, only to be informed that they had all had a threesome

Absolutely, motherinferior. People who have affairs are generally considered to have abdicated their rights entirely. Prisons however are full of people who have committed heinous crimes yet are given more tolerance. Nobody said that affairs are a good thing, they aren't, but the lashing out and projection is disproportionate.

Bubble... you seem massively invested and interested in verbally bashing somebody you know nothing about. Where are your morals exactly? Actually, don't bother answering. Your posts really are unhinged.

I obviously am nowhere near as black and white. I have known of several marriages that have survived affairs, if they were discovered. They current zeigist regarding a blanket all cheaters are evil, no matter the circumstances, i find to be a modern day witch hunt. Very few people wake up and think, today i am going to fuck up everyones lives. Mostly, it is a series of events that could have gone either way.

We know lust is extremely powerful. It is primal and a refusal to consider nuances damages us all. Sometimes good people do bad things.

I am absolutely not saying that cheating is positive but that all of us can make mistakes and some mistakes happen in relationships. It is why i have kept my mouth very firmly shut if i have discovered friends' or acquaintances' infidelities. No-one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Unhinged

Anymore mn buzz words you want to throw at me Lying?

I have seen the pain and destruction affairs cause. People who choose to fuck around are selfish and unkind. They have chosen too hurt somebody that trusted them and they dont have the decency to end it first.
It is a cowardly act.

Exactly, sofato5miles. I don't think it's really ever a 0-60mph thing; it can be subtle, by degrees and whilst people do make choices (and bad ones at that), the little choices, in and of themselves, are not necessarily outright bad ones. If they were, people would probably spot them more easily and avoid the minefield altogether. It's akin to 'sleepwalking into danger' in my opinion.

Agree with those saying sapphire's post was factual, not smug.

It's the CPS who press charges in the UK, not an individual.

I agree with sofa. And I would say that I know good people who have had affairs. I know good people who've done all kinds of dubious things.

Bubble, the other night you were screaming at me in capitals, addressing every post of mine directly while accusing me of stalking you for doing the same (yet you came back to jab at me while I was talking to someone else), and all the while insisting you had no investment in the exchange at all. Unhinged was putting it mildly. I'm bloody glad there's a law against people like you acting entirely on their emotions.

I totally agree with everything Lying has said, including the fact that affairs do not usually happen in a vacuum of two evil sadists plotting to ruin lives. It doesn't make them right. But if you are so understanding and empathetic with a wronged wife breaking bones over the strength of her feelings and complex situation, you should also be capable of understanding that people might have affairs for the same reasons.

And yes, Sapphire's post was entirely factual and answered the question.

I did not scream at you i told you to shut up once using capitals. You were going on an on about the law which i said countless times i did not disagree with only that i had sympathy for the wife.

Affairs are never accidental.
The person makes the choice to cheat. You say people should control themselves when high on emotions and pain then why should they not control themselves when it comes to sex?

I also don't think, seriously, that nobody who has an affair cares nothing for their partner or children. Yes, they are causing pain. And usually they know it which is why, in fact, they keep stuff secret. It is all horribly messy. Quite a lot of life is.

Sheba, I don't know how you've kept your cool on this thread but there's no point arguing or trying to reason with stupid. It seems that there are posters who have nothing to offer but invective, sadly.

I enailed the OMs wife and came clean. She told me I was not the first and that she would pray for me. Poor woman is still putting up with his shit all because she made vows in front of god. Found out he regularly books escorts from adultworks too and she knows. She asked me to keep it to myself for the sake of her son.
They are still 'together' and I feel so bad that I just added to the amount of heartache she must feel every day :-(

Lying

I am not stupid.

I disagree with what you and sheba are saying about affairs. That does not make me stupid but throw insults at me if thats all you can think of.

Quinns... Poor woman. You'd think that knowing about his infidelity would be enough but I don't think that's always the case. Sometimes, affairs just get swept under the carpet but imagine the damage to esteem and sense of self-worth to do that? :(

"I also don't think, seriously, that nobody who has an affair cares nothing for their partner or children. Yes, they are causing pain. And usually they know it which is why, in fact, they keep stuff secret. It is all horribly messy. Quite a lot of life is."

Agree, just as those with secret debts, gambling problems, painkiller addictions or whatever usually care for their partner and children along with the painful mistakes they are choosing to make.

There have also been a number of men who have murdered their partners or ex partners through jealousy (whether that had a basis in fact or not).

It isn't something that should be ignored, as any talk of "not pressing charges" might suggest,

Because, Bubble, the law does not and should not intervene in sex between consensual adults, even sex that is largely disapproved of in society. When it does, we are Saudi Arabia. And somehow I can't see women getting a fair deal in a court of sexual politics. What it does state, correctly, is that you have legal grounds to dissolve your marriage in the case of infidelity.

But it can and should intervene in acts of violence, or else we get a world where anyone can go around breaking bones when they feel like it, if they can wax not very lyrical about why they're so upset.

I am guessing this is a sore topic for you, and I'm sorry for whatever pain you've suffered, but law and ethics don't permit us to overlook vigilante violence just because we're upset.

Why are you going on about the law again?

I have not disagreed with the law. I have said the wife was rightly punished for her act of violence a number of times. That does not mean i cannot feel sympathy for her. I have not once condoned her act if violence or said sapphire deserved it yet you keeping going on as if i have

You can keep your sorry sheba you owe me nothing but your constant put downs and superiority.