What happened when you told the husband/ wife

[Molly333]

Following on from a recent thread in here what happened when those of you told the partner/ husband/wife of the person who was part of the 'affair' ?

No one is saying it was OK to hit but that even if you would hope you wouldn't react like that, it was understandable. A person in the street wronging you is totally different to the one person who is meant to be on your side. To protect you and to love you and be honest with you. Love and trust. The 2 punches don't compare to hitting your child. To even have to point that out is ridiculous. No one has said violence is the answer and can be used to solve every problem from playground to a dodgy car sales man.

What I always find funny / strange about these type of threads is this faux feminism that comes out where any criticism towards the OW is frowned upon, and where all the bad feelings need to be directed towards the husband. I wonder if this same advice would be given to a man?

I'm not saying that the husband doesn't deserve blame (even the majority of the blame). But where is this sense of sisterhood to say it isn't OK to fuck another woman's husband, and deliberately causing her pain?

You don't have to make vows to someone to treat them with respect and dignity; deliberately causing someone pain by getting involved in their marriage is enough of a reason for the wronged party to dislike you.

I agree again. I don't know the man I walk.past in the street but shouldn't wrong him.in anyway. Simple. I shouldn't deliberately harm anyone, stranger, friend or family and if in my power to help stranger friend or family then I should. Basic moral compass.

I had an affair . I don't regret the affair , I regret the heartbreak I caused my family and his family.
I did marry the person I had an affair with and we are very happy.
I still feel immense guilt .

Actually, quite a lot of people have been saying it's ok to hit. One charming individual even called it "the cost of doing business". My insistence last night that it's not ok, and the law says it's not ok (though mitigating circumstances are rightly taken into account in sentencing) led to screaming, hysteria, accusations of stalking and superiority, and eventually degenerated into such stellar stupidity, I couldn't even pretend I was having an intelligent discussion. Then someone tried to claim everyone was just angry because I hadn't been talking about sympathy for the wife. Well, no. That's not what I was discussing. I wasn't discussing the wrongness of the affair either. Just the law, and why it's right, and why I don't want to live in a world where people can break bones with impunity on defence of being really really angry.

Like I said last night, even if you are cheated on and deeply betrayed, the law will not condone vigilante violence for personal vendettas (though if you have been highly provoked, it will give a gentler sentence). If you think that's wrong, and that there should be a defence in law for having someone come to your house and bash your face in, then campaign for it. I'd love to watch.

How far is it ok to go to punish an ow then? Some posters think a fracture is ok. How about multiple fractures and say, a punctured lung? Or maybe a head injury? Is it ok for a woman to kill someone else because she was cheated on?

I don't think it's OK for a person to take it on themselves to "punish" anyone.

The nicest interpretation I can take of some of these squawking posters is that they're so highly emotional over sympathy with the wife, they haven't realised what they're advocating. And once it's pointed out, it's easier on their pride to keep squawking than to say, "Oh yeah, actually, that's not a great system now I step back and think about it."

At least I hope that's what's happening, or else MN is full of people who are much more dangerous than the Daily Mail gives us credit for.

neonrainbow and to a certain extent sheba

I don't believe that there is a way to "punish" the OW or OM and remain on the right side of the law , I also think that those that damage clothes, cars or anything that the OM/W values are wrong as well and should be prosecuted. But I doubt that that will happen.

I can think of a few horrid things you could legally do to someone but I don't see what you'd gain, practically, from doing them if your marriage is in crisis.

I really, really don't like people who think being so outraged by a Bad Thing that they indulge in violent behaviour to satisfy themselves somehow makes them the good guy.

Oh god its back.

chuckles

Bubble

The "cost of doing business" comment wasn't excusing it. It was pointing out that if you were the one who had broken your marriage vows, help someone else break theirs, lied, been deceitful and ruined a family you should expect fallout. That is not the same as saying cheating partners should be lumped.

The comment, from ItCouldBeWorse on page 3: I think had I slept with someone else's husband, let her high and dry while we ran off into the sunset, I would have thought a punch or two was the cost of doing business.

Seems a pretty clear attempt at excusing it to me, especially as the poster also said the OW should not have pressed charges. She didn't mention what the CPS should have done.

It was entirely excusing it.

This whole thread has focused on one poster, accusing her quite factual account of being 'smug' and 'sanctimonious' and suchlike. (And also suggesting that she herself landed a punch, too, if you note the 'I thought you'd only get a fractured hand from a fist' comments.)

I asked sapphire how the woman had fractured her hand. I didn't assume. If it was in actual fact from her punching back so hard herself my responses would be totally different. Believe me.
My responses are simply because some posters are outraged at the punches more than the affair and the way it came out. Both are wrong. The punches wouldn't be revenge, they would have been spur of moment action. They in no way get revenge over someone for wrecking your life. Neither does going round there shouting. Nothing does. The man in all of this sounds pathetic and vile.

I think the reason we've not spent 7 pages agreeing that affairs are generally wrong is because for most people that's a given, and it wouldn't be very interesting. Claiming the law should allow you to break bones to satisfy your hurt and anger is something else entirely, and quite fertile grounds for debate. I still don't see why my sympathy for the wife's plight means I can't argue that point.

Incidentally, the law might well not see the punch as spur of the moment. If the prosecution could prove the wife went round planning to punch Sapphire, that's premeditation.

I told the long term partner of the girl from work that my exP was cheating with. I was with him 8 years, we'd just bought a house and a week later he started a job and a week after that an affair
I had to contact him on FB and asked him to call me. Sadly, he didn't believe me and told me I was mistaken despite me telling him times, details that I wouldn't know otherwise. When I asked him why I'd lie, he said he thought my ex was lying (I found out he didn't tell me).
That was that. I don't regret telling him and I would always want to be told.

Agree with Sheba and Sausage and think that most of the rest are just bonkers. I read Sapphire's post as a factual report, no emotion whatsoever. It seems that some want to read smugness in it because it satisfies their own vengeful desire to attack her. Pathetic.

You don't hit and break someone's bones. You just don't. Or you do - and suffer the consequences - and good enough. That's on you for hitting with such violence. I wouldn't want somebody in charge of my kids with such a lack of control either.

The wife ( a friend of mine) was told by the OW under the 'you have a right to know' mentality. The wife then slowly learned this was a pattern of behaviour in OW, she always dated MM had a 'big reveal' and basically thrived off the drama of it. My friend went through all her DHs correspondence and sifted out everything that had been sent via OW employers e-mail and telephone. She then made contact with OWs employers and asked if it was an appropriate use of their electronic and communication systems. OW didn't have her employment contract renewed, she had been working along side her family members who are pretty religious types that basically shunned her and her house is up for sale at the minute. It's all still ongoing so not sure if she'll stay with her DH or not. She handled it better than I would have done.

OK Affairs are wrong, violence is wrong as I said.

For the record when I told the husband he asked me out

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

the issue with the written word on forums is that we all put our own interpretations on it. It doesn't mean that we are "bonkers", or that we approve of her being attacked.
I have said many times that I don't approve of the violence and have agreed with Sheba with regard to the law.

My exDP had an affair and left me to be with her. Except he kept coming back to me. And, because I still loved him, kept seeing him (fool that I was). When I finally finished it, I emailed the OW to tell her. She didn't care. Told he to back off because he was "her man now". I was in bits and she didn't care.

So that went well

What I always find funny / strange about these type of threads is this faux feminism that comes out where any criticism towards the OW is frowned upon, and where all the bad feelings need to be directed towards the husband. I wonder if this same advice would be given to a man?

It wouldn't need to be. Generally speaking - a man has much, much less interest in the individual his partner has been cheating with. He doesn't expect some random guy he doesn't know to try to protect his marriage if his own wife won't.

What I always find funny / strange about these type of threads is this faux feminism that comes out where any criticism towards the OW is frowned upon, and where all the bad feelings need to be directed towards the husband. I wonder if this same advice would be given to a man?

It wouldn't need to be. Generally speaking - a man has much, much less interest in the individual his partner has been cheating with. He doesn't expect some random guy he doesn't know to try to protect his marriage if his own wife won't.