What happened when you told the husband/ wife

[Molly333]

Following on from a recent thread in here what happened when those of you told the partner/ husband/wife of the person who was part of the 'affair' ?

It's not about the law dear. Get over yourself

I don't condone violence but I do have sympathy for the wife who lashed out at sapphire. It isn't just the affair, but the behaviour that goes along with it that is awful. Often emotional abuse such as gaslighting, lying and deceit. Time and money diverted from family to conduct the affair. Her sexual health being put at risk when she was led to believe she was in a faithful, monogamous relationship. All that behaviour is harmful and damaging but the victim of that, who lashed out in anger and pain, becomes the criminal. Doesn't seem fair to me.

Except it is. This is what the law states, and I believe it is right. If you think people should not be held accountable for breaking the bones of those who have wronged them because their emotions override that principle, you think the law is wrong. So direct your written words to someone who can change it. Christ, I'm just a Mumsnetter with fuck all else to do on Saturday night, what do you expect me to do?

Sheba

I suspect that it is your lack of empathy towards someone that has been cheated on that is getting people's backs up.

I understand why she did what she did and she has my sympathy but I am also ok with her being prosecuted.

I also suspect that mrssapphirebright milked the injuries for all they were worth and put herself forward as the only victim in the situation.

No... I'm getting people's backs up because I'm failing to get hysterical while pointing out that the wife lost her job as a consequence of assault, not because her husband cheated, that it's not a moral judgement to make this simple point of fact, that I do agree that the law must hold people responsible for their actions and that breaking bones must not be legal. I'm in this discussion because it's terrifying that some people appear to be implying that sympathy for the wife's plight somehow makes the law wrong on any of these points. It doesn't.

But I'm tired now, my film has finished and it's firmly descended into the usual "you just think you're BETTER than me" bollocks, so I can't even pretend there's any more intelligent debate to be had. Night all.

Ah I see where you are getting this wrong Sheba.
It's "a" conviction for assult ( brought about by someone who's moral character is on very thin ice) not convictions.
There is nothing to suggest the OW was " a violent woman" because she committed one violent act under provocation. You have to seperate the behaviours from the person.
See I think mrssaphire is a bit of a smug cow based on one post but she might be lovely in many other respects.

The truth is every action has a risk/ potential risk/consequence or a potential consequence.

A potential consequence of having an affair with a married person,, is getting beat up or having other nasty things happen to you.

A risk or consequence of beating someone up, is getting jail time, loosing your job and a criminal record.

FWIW, I see job DBS disclosures and the criminal records associated with them. If a person described how the record happened, I/we would look as whether she had committed any other crime and depending on that, it would not automatically prevent her from getting a job working with children.

A naughty kid, is not a comparison to your husband's mistress and we use a common sense approach, bearing in mind the rehabilitation of offender's act. Much depends on how long ago it was and I would not class this as your bog standard violent person, noting the mitigating circumstances.

If mrssaphire hadn't want to press charges ( because she realised her new partner should have broken up with his wife before shagging her) would you still not want her teaching your child? If you didn't know this had happened would you care..or do you want to vet private lives ?

I agree with Sheba totally on this... it's playground tactics in all honesty

I didn't confront ow or her dh because I couldn't trust myself to be dignified.

I have a lot of sympathy with the teaching assistant who lost her job for assaulting her dh's ow.

When you find out, it really does feel as if an awful crime has been committed against you but nobody cares really, and of course adultery is entirely legal, so there's no way of punishing the people who have devastated and broken you and your children so completely. You feel powerless and helpless and pathetic, and I completely understand that urge for some sort of revenge.

Interesting to hear posters preaching that we shouldn't be judgemental about adulterers, I'll never understand why it's not okay to judge someone for intentionally behaving like a sack of shit.

Apart from illness or death, an affair is the most destroying things to happen to a family. It isn't the same as someone simply wronging you. Someone you lover more than anything, to trust to raise a family. Shattered in the most cruel way. It isn't the same context as just punching someonew because they pissed you off. They damaged you and your kids.
Again, I am not saying we should all go punching everyone. I am still interested in how sapphires hand was broken as usually in a fight it would be broken through punching.
There are lwgal consequences in other issues for breaKing a contract, yet the vow if marriage is broken too easily. You should be able to leave a marriage but in a proper honest way. People have said that they wouldn't want someone capable of punching someone in the midst of their deepest despair. I personally wouldn't want someone who every day has chosen to lie and cheat to those they are meant to care for the most. Affairs are a choice every day to hurt people not a spur if the moment distraught punch.
Glad op that you are doing well with your children.

I can say without a doubt that finding out my husband cheated was the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

All I can say is that I have been spared this pain, but I know I would have preferred to be told if my partner was cheating.

You can lead the call to legalise breaking the bones of people who have affairs, or anyone who deeply hurts you emotionally

Wasn't there such a thing as a crime passionel? en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crime_of_passion#United_Kingdom

It certainly seems to be portrayed as romantic in some lights. I think Mark Darcy and Daniel (?) had a fight at the end of a Bridget Jones film iirc.

Never happened to me but if I was the other women (highly doubtful I can hardly be bothered to shag DH never mind anyone else) I would like to think I would take a punch without pressing charges. It's ruining someone's life after all.

If DH had cheated it would really depend what medication I was on. I have hit someone in the past (not big or clever I know that) not ow related. She knew she deserved it and didn't press charges.

I've been cheated on before.

I didn't commit GBH as a result and I lay the blame mainly with my partner not the OW.

MN'a attitude towards OW is akin to a witch hunt. Such vitriol is rarely directed at the DH/DP who actually committed the act of adultry and cheated.

I've done lots of things in the heat of the moment I regretted later but have never been violent. And I would not want to be with someone who was capable of violence. I would be appalled to find out they were.

This is a discussion forum - its okay to have different views & to try to persuade others by yr argument - why does it have to descend to insults & jibes?

I agree with Sheba & Sausage

BTW I have been cheated on & while I was cross with the OW - I knew her - for doing that to another woman (me/she was the one that I knew of) I was absolutely clear it was my OH who caused me such hurt & anguish.

I told a relative her d'h made a pass at me snd she didn't believe me and we fell out after she actually tried attacking me.

She the caught her Dh kissing one of her friends in their own front garden a couple of months after.

We are speaking now but it's not the same and I still don't think she believes me fully.

For me, I think that if you cheat you have the right to tell uour partner or not. Unpleasant but it's absolutely uour right.

No one has the right to take that away from you. Being the cheated on doesn't give uou the right to arbitrarily take that right away from someone else and inform their partner for them. It just doesn't.

Sapphires husband did wrong, he had no right to take away from the other man his right to tell his wife in his own time. Understandable yes but it was pure vengeance. Nothing more nothing less. And that's all it is when uou tell someone's partner pure vengeance.

The punching wife's behaviour is also understandable, but that doesn't make it right. The cheating wasn't right either, but one wrong doesn't cancel out the other. It's not a case of well uou did wrong, so hey I can too.

Everyone acted in the heat of the moment, no one came out of it well. But when people cheat and end a marriage, then for me there is much more of a back story to it. People don't end happy marriages for a shag.

This is a discussion forum - its okay to have different views & to try to persuade others by yr argument - why does it have to descend to insults & jibes?

Well said. ^^^^^^^

bluntness, I couldn't disagree more. When you are in a relationship you have a right to know if your partner is having sex with someone else. You need that information to protect your own sexual and mental health. That is far more important that the cheaters right to lie or finally be honest as they see fit.

I was an OW. If DP's wife had hit me hard enough to break bones, then I'd have pressed charges too - somebody who has that little control over their emotions, and feels justified in using violence against someone who displeases them, is potentially a danger to others. But I wouldn't have been smug about it.

MrsSaphire's biggest mistake was to answer the question that the OP had asked. She relayed it factually: what she did, what everyone else involved did, and the outcome.

Emotions and smugness have been ascribed to her based on other posters' personal feelings and experiences, and she is being crucified for just answering a question. I think that's really unfair.

Not really what the OP was asking for I suspect.

Yes Ewe we need to recognise how our personal experiences have shaped our worldview & biases.
Its hard to be objective & there is the danger of presenting opinion as fact - so anyone who doesn't agree with me is smug.
Lots of putdowns & bullying on MN sadly...