What happened when you told the husband/ wife

[Molly333]

Following on from a recent thread in here what happened when those of you told the partner/ husband/wife of the person who was part of the 'affair' ?

Sheba. SHUT UP.

I dont care yet you are still going on and on and on. Why would i want to lobby my MP?
At no point did i say the law was wrong. Where have you read that in my posts?

You are very very strange and I suspect like to make out you are superior to all others.
Crack on dear if thats what you need in your life.

OK - I totally get the huge and violent anger that you feel towards an ow/om. It feels uncontainable and it's unlike any anger I have felt before.

That's the very reason I did not confront the OW (the one I found out about) because I could not trust myself to be calm and civil. There is no excuse for violence - and yes, you may well end up with a criminal conviction and lose your job.

I didn't tell OW's husband. She was working with my then husband but when the affair came to light I was given to understand that she would be looking for new employment. I had otherwise demanded that my ex H do so. A while later I found out she'd been offered a promotion and was no longer leaving.

I called her at work and asked her to inform her husband before I did. They divorced. She's remarried - no idea if she's happy but don't wish her any ill - she's totally irrelevant in my life - especially as I now know she was one of many. I (eventually) left my cheating ex. I don't regret what I did - it made me feel better. Maybe that makes me vindictive.

Bubble, I suggested you lobby your MP because you sincerely believe that if a wronged wife punches an OW, the affair partners are partly responsible for that assault, so should presumably share the conviction. The law doesn't agree, but you obviously feel very strongly about it. So it seems a better use of your time than screaming in capitals at me about it. Don't shoot the messenger.

Berliner, I think you handled that with extraordinary dignity. I don't see anything vindictive about it at all, quite the opposite. And you're quite right that there's no excuse for violent retribution, so removing yourself from the situation was exactly the right thing to do. I'm glad you're happy now.

FFS Sheba i said they are morally responsible not legally.
What is your problem?

I used capitals because you are not listening to how little i care about what you are saying.
You are not a messenger you are just some random on the internet who likes the sound of her own voice so to speak.

Please stop addressing me its very stalker like now and i dont have anything else to say to you.

Ha, I hope see the irony in your last post Bubble Pot, kettle, black.

Bubble, I have this exchange because, I confess, your logical fallacies are a bit irritating. The wife didn't lose her job because her husband had an affair, the affair partners aren't complicit in Sapphire's assault and it is not ethical to go round to someone's house and bash their face in because they have wronged you. It is kind of annoying being constantly told otherwise. Plus I have an interest in the law, so I like this subject matter.

Other than that, the screaming at me, constant responses while trying to shut me up (I don't care how many times you reply to me, when I'm bored or can't see any further point I'll bugger off and do something else) and accusations of stalking are just too daft to bother me. I expect a lot of people following this think we are both slightly twattish and maybe they are right. I don't really mind.

But a woman who has been cheated on can do whatever the hell she likes?

I, for one, didn't say that. I said that I could understand losing your temper more than I could understand shagging someone else husband for months.

One is a loss of control when under extreme stress, one is months of planning and deceiving.

That said no one ever knows what will happen. Weird how people say 'never say never' about affairs but are convinced that they absolutely would never lose their temper when under emotional stress.

Hahaha all these people who are coming to defend mrssaphire and she herself doesn't give a fuck and has left the thread! Funny.

Lol at dignity sheba - you didn't hear what I said to her. But thanks.

Well, no, true, but it's not illegal to tell someone what you think of them (I'm assuming you didn't threaten to kill her or anything like that).

I couldn't guarantee I wouldn't lose my temper under great stress but I can be very sure that I would still be responsible for what I did; I can't control what others do but I can control my response, and I can still put myself in the wrong with my reaction. I can also be sure that I don't want to live in a world where it's legal to beat fifty shades of shit out of someone because they upset you.

Seems like there's a lot of OWs on this thread

How do you know?

Interesting Sheba. For someone who doesn't think aggression is the answer you do keep having a go don't you.
And just to be clear most people are very capable of keeping their personal and professional lives separate. Obviously she lost her job once the police were involved but the Oo obviously chose to involve them. Nice.

It was the whole context of Sapphires post. Including the lack of any empathy to the extremely smug ending.

mrssaphire - sorry

I'm not in favour of legalising vigilante violence for personal vendettas, no. Posting on Mumsnet isn't comparable to me, but if you think it is, by all means report me.

I don't know why your comment about professional and personal lives is relevant, sorry.

And I don't care about empathy for Sapphire. I'm not debating whether she's a nice person or justified in the affair. My point is that some people seem to think the wife should somehow have escaped consequences for breaking her bones because Sapphire had done something to wrong her. That's an absolutely terrifying worldview and I am glad as fuck the law does not share it.

I don't think she should have escaped consequences. But I do feel sympathy for the wife.

Given that she doesn't seem to have ended up in prison, it sounds as though the judge did too.

It was your comment about not wanting a teaching assistant working with children who had hit the adult her husband was having an affair with.
Most people behave in a professional manner at work regardless of provocation. Lots of people do things in their personal life that wouldn't be acceptable behaviour at work.

My oh my! Where do you lot live?

I've seen tens of affairs get exposed, maybe even hundreds! There's usually a punch-up at some stage (if you include the ones I saw as a kid in the 90s!)

In secondary school, two female teachers had a fight over one of the male teachers. We were kept in assembly all afternoon until classes could be started again!

One of the many things I find appalling in the aftermath of affairs is that the partner who was being cheated on is the only one who has to suffer all the consequences. Emotional, physical and financial pain/loss and they're also the ones expected to somehow just suck it up and get over it because 'affairs happen'. I have always felt that it is best to be in a relationship where neither party loves the other too much, then if/when an affair does happen, nobody feels too distraught.

I see. Well I stand by that. I don't want people with convictions for assault in charge of my kid, no. And I do want people who break bones for personal vendettas charged with assault (or GBH). So no, I don't want the wife teaching my kid. If people can withstand provocation at work they can withstand it elsewhere. How many times do we suggest violent men are able to control themselves at work?

Good for you Sheba honestly. You are an upstanding citizen. You should be proud of yourself for being so morally higher than everyone else

Being cheated on by someone you love is very painful. I would rarely judge someone for how they reacted in the aftermath. In the heat of the moment, we all do things we would NEVER do in every day life well most of us except Sheba

Looby, if you think the law is wrong, I suggest you write to your MP. You can lead the call to legalise breaking the bones of people who have affairs, or anyone who deeply hurts you emotionally. And if asked why, you can say it's because this annoying woman on Mumsnet keeps saying she doesn't think it should be decriminalised. And is therefore superior to everyone or something.

I don't know, in a world where Donald Trump is President, I'm sure it'll make sense to someone.