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Original poster

What happened when you told the husband/ wife

436 replies

Molly333 · 17/11/2016 23:36

Following on from a recent thread in here what happened when those of you told the partner/ husband/wife of the person who was part of the 'affair' ?

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 21/11/2016 14:14

It bothers me not a jot that the great British unwashed still see women who cheat as morally repugnant, my family only have to answer to their loved ones, all of whom are rational human beings who can grasp the concept of nuance.

I can't lie, my mum did go through an awful time when her parents learned she was divorcing. They were absolutely appalled. However they saw that in reality all that happened was two adults making a decision to take a different path in life. My stepdad is an absolute gem and in her later years my gran bragged about her 'two favourite sons in law'.

This is real life. Ordinary people going through shit, learning, growing and changing their minds as humans do. It isn't a medieval sideshow.

motherinferior · 21/11/2016 14:18

But they do usually have a lot of guilt. Often they still love their spouse, believe it or not - the people who just want a bit of a fling on the side. Certainly many love their children.

mrssapphirebright · 21/11/2016 14:18

'But affairs are not mistakes. They are a choice a concious descision'.

By 'i've made my mistakes' or 'we made our mistakes' i was not referring to my dh's dick accidentally finding its way into my fandango, I was actually referring to the fact that dh and i could've got together many years ago in our 20's but we didn't. She knew he didn't love his ex wife when he married her and that he shouldn't have married her, my exdh and i had our problems and made mistakes in our marriage - maybe we could've done more over the years to fix it? I'll never know now. Thats why I mean by mistakes.

MorrisZapp · 21/11/2016 14:19

Just to be clear bubble, my mother didn't do anything 'just for sex'. She and my stepdad were bonkersly in love for two decades. They spent all their spare time together, they travelled, they brought up their kids and they campaigned together on the political stuff they're mutually obsessed with. My mum left an unsatisfactory relationship for one that totally let her soar. She remained in it, faithfully, for two decades.

MorrisZapp · 21/11/2016 14:20

And she never stopped loving my dad, she loves him to this day. He is a wonderful man. Just not right for her.

mrssapphirebright · 21/11/2016 14:22

This is exactly how I feel about my exdh Morris. We get on much better now we are divorced!

BubbleGumBubble · 21/11/2016 14:22

No not paranoid but maybe judgemental.

I have seen what an affair has done to someone I loved. I saw the pain they went through and his family are still going through.
I just wish the person would have had the decency to end the marriage instead of having an affair. It would have made all the difference.
Just like sapphire these people have got on with their lives showing no remorse and taking no responsibility for their actions or the lives that are devestated becausr of what they did.
Affairs are not just minor mistakes that happen and everyone should just brush them off as life Hmm

YonicProbe · 21/11/2016 14:24

Would you feel the same if she'd lied about gambling debts, or losing her job, or her spending or whatever, bubble?

I doubt there's a divorce out there where no spouse lied ever.

BubbleGumBubble · 21/11/2016 14:25

I think i would yeah.
Its the life changing lies not the little white ones.

mrssapphirebright · 21/11/2016 14:27

But Bubblegum, even if dh and I had not actually physically cheated on our spouses, we still would have caused hurt by leaving our spouses no? I Don't know how much better my dh ex wife would've taken it.

People fall in love - what would you have advocated we did Bubblegum? Stay in unhappy marriages whilst in love with other people?

I agree, we should not have cheated, I know that was wrong. But how can i apologise for falling in love with someone, who someone falling in love with me?

YonicProbe · 21/11/2016 14:29

Well, a little white lie is unlikely to be a cause of divorce!

BubbleGumBubble · 21/11/2016 14:31

People fall in love - what would you have advocated we did Bubblegum? Stay in unhappy marriages whilst in love with other people

Of course not.
But to stay in an unhappy marriage and then only leave because you started shagging somebody else is wrong.

Why did you not leave sooner?
Why did you choose to lie some more,have sex with sombody else and then tell your DH during an argument?
Would it not have been better for you both to sort out and end your unhappy marriages first before you embarked on another relationship?

YonicProbe · 21/11/2016 14:38

And it sounds like the deception did not go on for long and that both parties were ready to end the deception. I think that would make a difference to me vs something that went on for years.

Sapphire knows she was wrong; it is a good thing, not a bad,that her ex has been able to co parent with her and her dc are settled.

If she owes anyone sack cloth and ashes, it isn't MN, and I can see how the subsequent harassment might have eroded remorse

mrssapphirebright · 21/11/2016 14:40

Yes of course that would've been better Bubblegum. Like i said, I have made mistakes - we all do.

I didn't leave sooner as I was scared.

We both agreed we would tell our spouses, In a stupid heated arguement it came out. I know I did wrong, I don't know how that means I have to be miserable about my dh's ex wifes situation for the rest of my life!

Fwiw my dh and i did not jump into a relationship / move in with each other as soon as it was out in the open.

YonicProbe · 21/11/2016 14:45

It's notable that although the ex was told in the heat of the moment and was right there on the spot, his response wasn't to physically hurt sapphire, with whom he had a marriage contract.

And that the response of the wife was to come round and assault sapphire, not go to her h.

And that the ex h was horrified by the response to the extent of calling the police.

BubbleGumBubble · 21/11/2016 14:46

It is interesting to see such differences on mn.
The relationship board is full of heartache and pain of those whos partners cheated. The distruction of their lives is hard to read sometimes. The loss of their home, future, the affect on DC, the shame that is felt by the hurt spouse, the financial impact, the mental impact and the shock and having your life changed forever. The replies on those threads are very different to the replys on this one.

And on this thread it appears affairs are just mistakes. Not really that bad. Some teenage love story spanning years and should be forgiven and forgotten.

ocelot7 · 21/11/2016 14:48

Bubble have you never done anything wrong in your life? I get that someone has wronged you but I would be astonished if you were pure & blameless yourself! Really - stop throwing stones unless you really are a saint...

NashvilleQueen · 21/11/2016 14:51

The language on OW threads is so emotionally charged it is difficult to properly engage with the debate. I find it hard to get past words like 'slut'.

YonicProbe · 21/11/2016 14:51

Bubble

I don't think anyone has said affairs aren't wrong, have they?

Just that GBH and garassment are worse!

Mn has hundreds of thousands of members and probably 20-50 on each thread. Differences are to be expected!

BubbleGumBubble · 21/11/2016 14:52

I have never cheated nor have I been cheated on (as far as I know).
I have made mistakes but I dont view affairs as mistakes they are very much choice.

I ended my unhappy marriage a few years ago. Yes it hurt him and me too but it was the right thing and I respected him and had the decency to be honest and not fuck around.

MorrisZapp · 21/11/2016 14:53

Well in my family's case it was all forgiven and forgotten when Maggie Thatcher was still in government. What do you suggest? An annual 'keep the bitterness alive' day to remind ourselves of the moral turpitude of our beloved parents?

Kids live in broken homes. MN encourages this, see every 'ltb' ever given. Women here in unhappy relationships who are trying to tough it out for the sake of the kids get told they are in fact doing them a disservice and that they owe their kids an example of a happy mum living on her own terms. The dad can be just as involved without living in the house, is the line always given.

But if there's someone else involved then it's all a huge scandal and the kids will be scarred for life, apparently.

mrssapphirebright · 21/11/2016 14:53

BubbleGumBubble - so what would your suggestion be?

The reality is people do fall in love with other people sometimes, sometimes people make mistakes, sometimes we don't always know what will make us happy, sometimes relationships breakdown over time, sometimes they were never right in the first place! THAT IS LIFE! Sadly, it is not always the case that boy meets girl, they are perfect for each other and get married and live happily ever after!!!

'The distruction of their lives is hard to read sometimes. The loss of their home, future, the affect on DC, the shame that is felt by the hurt spouse, the financial impact, the mental impact and the shock and having your life changed forever'. i agree Bubble - all this is shit. But there are lots of other life changing events that happen to people that can cause this reaction. sadly, we are all imperfect humans and we live in an imperfect world!

Do you really think I should be feeling guilty for this now, 6 years later? i mean, surely there comes a time when life has to resume and go on?

I did feel awful at the time, but as a PP has pointed out, the subsequent behaviour of dh's ex has made me lose sympathy.

mrssapphirebright · 21/11/2016 14:58

Thank you Morris.

Dh and I are not bad people. Nor is my dad and step mum. yes we have made mistakes, who hasn't in one way or another. Its hard to go through life without hurting anyone at all ever! Thats the risk we all run when we emotionally invest in a relationship.
There were things my exdh did in our marriage that hurt me (like getting into debt without telling me and refusing marriage counselling), I am not going to hold him accountable for that now - it was years ago!!!

I don't see what is to be gained by playing 'who is the biggest victim' or 'who can hold on the bitterness / guilt the longest'.

FrankAndBeans · 21/11/2016 14:59

My Mum was an OW and I lost so much respect for her when I found out. I'd never say it to her face but I did. If she'd been punched I'd have said it was fair game really.

BubbleGumBubble · 21/11/2016 15:00

Maybe you did feel awful. Its very hard to tell.

I think i am very much influenced by the affect an affair has had on my life and that of my family. I think the smug/lack of remorse first post Sapphire just reminded me so much of the person that has caused all this pain. She is very like you in regards to the whole long lost lovers/sole mates/meant to be crap.

I apologise for pfojecting my feelings on to you. I suppose the death of my brother is still affecting me.