What happened when you told the husband/ wife

[Molly333]

Following on from a recent thread in here what happened when those of you told the partner/ husband/wife of the person who was part of the 'affair' ?

And how many DC are told the reasons for a divorce, be that adultery, gambling problems or whatever.

The message on here is usually to support ongoing relationships with both parents unless it is dangerous for the children to do otherwise.

Sapphire makes a good point that this woman might have done the same whether or not they had slept together in the 2 months before they owned up.

Again, not condoning sapphire and she has said herself she felt guilt, but the behaviour of the wife was not acceptable (and "in control" enough to drive round for the confrontation) and adultery is not morally equivalent to hospitalising someone.

I wonder what they will think when they find out what you both did and the kind of people you and your DH are? - What, that we had sex a whole 3 times behind our then spouses back? I doubt they will do a lot.

in fact when dh's ex wife kept sending my eldest dc ranty messages on facebook saying what a husband stealing whore I was etc. He just shrugged it off (after blocking and reporting her of course). That was another harassment charge for her.

We've made our mistakes, paid our dues and all moved on.

It was not a mistake.
You did not trip up and fall on the guys dick, he did not mistake you for his wife and shag you.
You both chose to lie and cheat that is not a mistake/accident.

I wonder is the loony ex is making life a little difficult for you?
If so its a shame as the best thing she could do is move on.

Oh god I would be mortified if my actions had put my child in a position where somebody would say those things to him. Poor lad

Do you both never worry about the other cheating?

Thank you. I did not think it was common practice for people to tell their dc the ins and outs of their divorce. Isn’t it the best for the dc of parents can remain civil and united? Surely it’s not about outing the others flaws / mistakes at every opportunity?

My dad left my mum for OW when I was little. I had no idea why my parents had divorced until I was in my late teens / early twenties as they kept it amicable. When I found out, it really didn’t bother me as I had a good relationship with both my parents growing up and both of them were happily married to other people.

Well I read 6 pages. So apologies then MrsSapphire. But only for getting that part wrong.

If your dad did it and you were ok with it maybe thats why you saw nothing wrong in cheating?
I wonder if it (cheating) is more common in marriages where the cheaters own parent/s cheated?

Bubble, if you don't hold an assaulter responsible for throwing a punch that's clearly not in self defence and motivated entirely by anger, you disagree with the law even if you're forced to concede, as a point of fact, that it exists. I disagree with you, and side with the law. I'm entitled to say so.

On a side note, if you do insist on staying, would you please drop all the hysterical accusations and invective? I'm genuinely trying to see your points and you're making it difficult.

Looby, if you honestly believe that Sapphire should have obstructed the course of justice by refusing to give a statement after being assaulted, then a letter is transposed in the first word of your username. You also don't appear to be familiar with how the course of justice works and that the CPS makes the decision to prosecute. Even if Sapphire had refused to give a statement, the attack was witnessed, recorded with the police, and there would be medical records. In other words, plenty of evidence for the CPS to prosecute, which is its duty in a clear case of assault. You cryptically told me earlier that the discussion was "not about the law". It seems you wouldn't know if it was!

It would of course been better to have ended the relationships before embarking on your affair but that would mean before starting even an emotional affair. Don't underestimate the damage you and her exH did and how it would continue to affect her later relationships and how she handled rejection etc. It will affect her forever where as you have said yourself that you now feel no guilt. That said, her attack does sound extremely violent and was definitely wrong. I am glad you spared your children the details. I am shocked that finding out your father cheated on your mother didn't bother you at all. But maybe the fact you weren't in the slightest hurt for the betrayal to your mother explains some things about you.

Blah blah blah Sheba.

I imagine many children don't know if their parents cheated, as many marriages survive it.

I have a vivid memory of a loud row between my parents; I have no idea what causer it.

My mum had an affair with my dads best friend. I know what kind of people they are - loving, kind people who acted a certain way in certain circumstances. They went on to be married for four times as long as my mum and dad were married. After the inevitable messy breakup and redrawing of family dynamics, all three of them went on to be wonderful, cooperative parents who all got on a lot better than they had when in their previous relationships.

My dad then met his beloved wife who he has been with for 25 years now. The four of them are great friends.

OK my parents are ageing hippies and the 'best friends' model is pretty rare, but I think anyone expecting children to reject their mother because she met someone else and left their father probably gets their world view from soap operas. Kids mostly love their parents and forgive their mistakes as long as a stable home life is maintained.

I dont think children should reject their mother but I would look very differently at mine (mum) if I found out she was the sort of person who could cheat. It would make me wonder what other lies and deceit she could so easily commit.

And my own life has been hugely enriched by having two sets of parents. My son has more grandparents than he knows what to do with and I'm so glad he has that.

My mum married young, it was the done thing. Her life would have been miserable with my dad as they are so badly matched as a couple. Of course in an ideal world they should have broken up the family with nobody else involved, but that's not what happened. I saw it all at first hand and hold not an iota of blame against any of them.

Oh ffs!! Oh yes I'm sure you really would look at your mum differently as you clearly have the sympathy level of a cheese sandwich. People make mistakes, so what! I tell you what let's build a big bonfire and hold all those cheaters feet to it!

Not you Morris, clearly you are well balanced. That was aimed at bubble

Again, it seems very likely that the woman in question would have posted similar to the ds on Facebook whether or not there had been a physical relationship before the break up.

Again, it is this woman who has caused the situation with the DS, such as it was.

It isn't a mistake, agreed. It us not good behaviour.

However, most divorces surely arise owing to "bad behaviour" ie not criminal from one or both parties, and DCs may or may not ever know these.

Lol, do you mean that because my mum cheated she may also be perhaps a thief or a spy? You should write kids books, I'm seeing an interesting plot there.

Husband stealer by day, jewel thief at night! It's Slutmum!

Ha ha Morris! Love that and actually was thinking that bubble had started to sound a bit like Peppa pig "but you did cheat"

But affairs are not mistakes. They are a choice a concious descision.
To minimise an affair as a mistake is wrong.
It implies all the hurt and pain that the wronged spouse and family go through is not warrented and invalid.

I have sympathy I just cant summon any up for liers and cheats with no shame or sympathy for the people they knowingly hurt.

Of course they have shame and sympathy in the main you just don't want to believe they do bubble. Because you clearly don't!

I wonder is the loony ex is making life a little difficult for you? - No not really. I mean she did for the first 3 years but after 2 injunctions and 2 house moves we are pretty free of her now.

Oh god I would be mortified if my actions had put my child in a position where somebody would say those things to him. Poor lad – yes, I do feel very responsible and hate that they have been affected by her looney behaviour. However, he is a mature lad and knows all about cyber bullying so has been quite savvy with it.

Do you both never worry about the other cheating? – No, we don’t. Neither of us ever cheated before. We had been in love with each other before in our 20’s but never got together due to circumstances. We wanted to be together, we have risked so much to be together, so why could we cheat?

Not everyone who cheats is a serial cheater!

You ate all so big and clever more of shebas gang?

Yes call me peppa pig and liken me to a cheese sandwich oh you are so witty and intelligent.

No morris not a spy but relationships are built on trust and to find out my parent could lie so easily and often to cover up an affair to put her family through that just for sex would make me wonder what else she would lie about.

'I dont think children should reject their mother but I would look very differently at mine (mum) if I found out she was the sort of person who could cheat. It would make me wonder what other lies and deceit she could so easily commit' - maybe because yo are paranoid and judgemental Bubble....

Do you think I should punish my dad and step mum then because they had an affair? All I am interested in is how good a parent they were. and they were, my step mum included. It is water off a ducks back now in my parents lives.