My world's been destroyed

[Sukistjames]

Tonight after 13 years together my husband has said he's leaving me. Completely out of the blue.
We have two DC together and I don't know how I'm going to get thorough this.

What is going on with him is unimportant.

What is important is you and your DC. You need to take care and look after you and them.

Organise and make your plans without him. Right now he is 2 steps ahead of you in thinking, feeling and planning. He is no longer your friend. You cannot rely on what he says he will do so you need to ensure you protect yourself in case he changes his mind about all the financial offers made.

You also need to pin him down on when he will have the DC so that they can still have time with him and you get a break to heal yourself.

I'm sorry you are going though this. But I'm glad to hear that you have such great family support. And that you are angry - this is healthy and normal .

I want you to know this isn't your fault . Whatever reason he has left, no decent person does this without warning. He's treated you and his children very badly.

I also want you to know that your kids will be OK . They have you amd each other and their home, and a very loving and supportive family . they will still see their dad and I assume he will still take them to see his mother. They will adjust to the new normal very quickly .

To be practical - Have you told you line manager at work ? You need to do so ASAP. Is it possible for you to get more hours ? At least let them know that you want them if someone leaves / gets promoted . I'm sorry but you are going to need them but it's almost 100% likely that your H will renege on his promise to pay for the house once he gets his own place . With or without OW.

Can you do tutoring ? In some areas there's a great demand , especially after Christmas before exams.

BTW - re contact - don't let him see the kids in your house. This will be very confusing for them especially as they are so young . They will think he's moving back in .

He needs to take them out . He will protest saying he can't take them to his " friends " . He can take them out for the day like many dads. Or visit his parents .

As others have said , he needs to commit to certain days and stick to them. Which shouldn't be a problem as he only has to fit around his work ( since there's no OW ) .

He's taken the eldest out for a bit. When they return and DS is in bed we're going to have a proper talk- the first since he left.
I feel really sick. It'll either be over for good or he'll agree to try again. I really want to try again because on my end nothing has changed. I still don't know the reasons he left really. I do worry though that if he returns, what is to stop him doing this again in a few months.

Hope the talk goes okay Sukist, and you are able to stay strong if possible. Your worries make perfect sense.

I feel really sick. It'll either be over for good or he'll agree to try again. I really want to try again because on my end nothing has changed. I still don't know the reasons he left really. I do worry though that if he returns, what is to stop him doing this again in a few months

So you really feel that nothing has changed ? Because if he comes back , you will have to be on your very best behaviour and do everything he wants to make sure he doesn't leave again. It's called the Pick Me Dance .

Is that how you want to live?

Suki, I don't know what to wish for you this evening, but I am thinking of you xx

He feels neglected. Erm, hello? We have 2DC, jobs, a house. Life is busy! Of course sometimes it's going to be more about us as parents rather than husband and wife.
We're still no nearer to any sort or decision though.
I have suggested to him that he seems depressed and should see a doctor. He does have a history of this when we first met.
I've also said maybe some sort of counselling together may be useful. He said he needs time to think.

He left just after he'd tucked DS into bed and as I shut the front door, I heard DS shout for daddy. Absolutely broke my heart. I went up and he was sobbing. I couldn't hold back my tears as I comforted him.
Not only is he my DH, he's my best friend and I can't contemplate my life without him in it.

Hi OP
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think you are getting a lot of good advice from posters for outcomes that you haven't yet reached. There are a number of IFs and loose ends to match up before you can move forward, and I think where you are now is in limbo precisely because you can't see where things are to determine what happens next. It's really hard to see the wood for the trees and such an awful emotionally charged situation.
So from what you have said there are only three possibilities and the advice you have from posters is assuming one of them, which are:

1. He is involved in another relationship - there is an OW on the scene.
2. He no longer loves you and can't face living a lie.
3. He is suffering from depression, crisis, feeling unfulfilled and that your relationship is not going to improve and he can't continue as things are.

So - if it's the first two - then you need to steel yourself - and what a selfish prick btw!
But if it's that last one then maybe don't be too quick to dismiss his anxiety. You say words to the effect that 'of course you have a crap marriage - because you have children' But I'm afraid there are lots of seperated parents who never imagined that their relationship needed nurturing until they discovered it was beyond saving! So you need to genuinely ask whether your marriage still has essential elements of trust, affection, intimacy, appreciation, mutual admiration, sex, desire, together time, fun, ..in a word, love?
You know the answer to these things OP - and whether there is so little to justify separating or enough to question why this has happened?
My guess? (Only a guess!) -From what you've said it could be that He's felt more keenly than you the gradual deterioration of your relationship. He may (or may not) have had his head turned by someone - but whether it is that, or depression, or some midlife crisis - he is questioning whether things can really continue as they are.
You will need to listen and respond with all the honesty you can find, and then, whatever the future, you will know what is and what isn't in your power to change. You have a few more pieces to find before you can make an informed decision. I wish you well.

Thinking of you op

What a cruel man to put you and the dc through his because he feels "neglected."

I'm so sorry OP, this is really unfair on you, I hope you managed to get some rest

Suki I'm so sorry, what a tough time he is putting you through.

The poor lamb feels neglected?!!! How does he think you're feeling since he swanned off and left you with two children and all the fallout?!
Selfish.

oh god OP - I hate to belabour the point, but the 'feeling neglected' raises huge flags for me. It means he feels entitled to attention, sex, cossetting and ego-stroking - and that normally comes from an OW. Whatever you do, will not be enough.

He's already got someone.

Sorry

Sorry but I agree with ptumbi

If he truly felt neglected why not speak to you about it, try to fix/discuss any issues?

Walking out so suddenly and lame excuses about feeling neglected are huge red flags and no doubt in a few weeks/months you'll find out about the ow.

I know in these first few weeks you don't want to believe the possibility, you'll be worried about him and even think he may be having some sort of breakdown but it's all a smokescreen because he won't be honest about his reasons for leaving.

Please prepare yourself, he's put you through enough, he's really not your best friend

I know you probably want more than anything to be reconciled and want him back at home. This is entirely normal and understandable. You were not looking to break up, and there are the dcs to think about. However you should consider a few things.

Firstly, trust. He has revealed that he is capable of keeping his real feelings hidden from you whilst projecting a facade of normality. This means that you are likely to be constantly worried in future that he may leave at any time and will be overly anxious to keep him happy.

Secondly. His history of depression. You ought to consider if this is an aspect of him that you can live with. Unfortunately, depression can make some sufferers quite selfish, and self focused and needy. Its not intentional, but for some it is an aspect of it. During depressive episodes they can say and do quite incredibly hurtful things to those around them, that they would not do when well. So ask yourself if this is what has prompted this and whether you really can spend years with this potentially rearing its head.

He also had you talk to the DCs. This was quite a large step. Can you really overlook this?

I wish you all the best no matter what decision you make, but please be mindful of these things and be cautious with your feelings.

Thinking of you, Suki. You posted as my husband of 4 years (partner of 18 years) told me the same... but he refused to leave the house and Ive ended up having to leave, with my two under 4 children. Utterly horrendous! But wanted you to know you're not alone.

You all talk a lot of sense, thank you. I'm not in good place at the moment. I'm so tired its making me more emotional. He's coming to collect the DC this morning.

Peri I'm so sorry you're going through this too.

He was feeling neglected, what do you feel he was doing to nurture the relationship or was this something he just expected from you?

Hang in there op...
Antique talks a lot of sense.he is apparently taking this time to decide what he wants.you can do the same-I know that what you want is everything back to normal but in the absence of that, what are you willing to put up with going forwards I guess? Are you willing to have him decide on your lives on his own as a starter? With seemingly no input from you?
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I hope you are ok.

This has given me shivers of recognition, it's utterly foul to go through and my heart goes out to you all.

The formidablemrsc gives great advice upthread. I went from not even knowing who supplied our utilities to dealing with everything at home, handling a divorce, an asd diagnosis (snap!) remortgaging into my name and finding a job and childcare to make it happen.

When I'd got all that sorted, I started to try to use my alternate child free weekends to go out, see people and in time, met dp. We've since travelled the world, made a whole new circle of friends and life is good.

The first 6 months are about survival though, and the very best thing you can do is let him go. Either he'll massively come to his senses or he won't, but either way you'll have your self respect and can get started on the grieving and then healing.

Er people are allowed to not want to be in a relationship anymore - otherwise we would all be stuck in compulsory lifelong ones . It would be helpful if people remembered that and just focused on their own feelings and ensuring the children are as ok as possible. Hope you are ok OP and have plenty of support

They absolutely are, but I think they still owe it to a long term partner to be as sensitive, honest and straightforward as possible if that's the case. A month before Christmas is rotten timing to drop a bombshell however you look at it.

Whirly is there ever a good time though? It's a horrible thing to have to discuss/go through in most cases I would imagine, whether you are the leaver or the leavee, although looks the OP is hoping to reconcile so fingers crossed.

Morning all, had my first weekend without the children as they were with their dad. I kept myself very busy and it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Although I did cry when they left.
He's still not responded to a communication where I asked if we could try counselling to see if there is anything to salvage of our marriage. I think I'm resigned to it being over. It breaks my heart to write that sentence. Obviously, it's still not what I or the kids want. Appointment with CAB today so I'll find out where I stand with regards to money.