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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My world's been destroyed

134 replies

Sukistjames · 10/11/2016 19:37

Tonight after 13 years together my husband has said he's leaving me. Completely out of the blue.
We have two DC together and I don't know how I'm going to get thorough this.

OP posts:
millmoo · 12/11/2016 12:58

Flowers it is hard to hear op and i think some posters should remember that your life has just been turned upside down.

ahsan · 12/11/2016 13:50

💐for you op. Sorry to hear what your going through, some men are selfish creatures that don't really care about the amount of time you have given them. Just look after yourself and the kids and don't think about him too much. He's vile for leaving you like this, you'll find somwone that exactly wants to spend time with you, when your ready. Just act like your not bothered in front of him and don't show him your upset as it will show your a strong independent women that doesn't need a donkey like that inordwr to be happy.

AliceC92 · 12/11/2016 13:51

Hey I know u don't want to happen but same happened to me. Was together 8 years, 2 sons, mortgage, out the blue "I don't love you anymore", turns out OW involved. A man never leaves unless his head has been turned. I'm 7 weeks in and finding it extremely difficult. I couldn't read and run because I know exactly what you're going through and it's hell. Look at others threads on here though there is hope at the end.

ahsan · 12/11/2016 13:58

And op even if their is a ow let her be welcome to him as he's a lying cheating hideous man that has abordened his beautiful family. If he has done this to you he will do it to her too, so ifs it's true let her have him. You deserve so much better, like other posters said treat him like the enemy. Hope you feel better soon op and know this op you are one trillion times better then him. Hold your head up high be proud of your beautiful family and move on.

RedMapleLeaf · 12/11/2016 14:00

Happened to me after 14 years. No real OW, just a pretty, young colleague with a combination of recent bereavement and work stress.

I'm 16 months on and happier than I've been in ages. You will survive this too.

In the meantime I recommend the dreadfully titled, Runaway Husband book.

ahsan · 12/11/2016 14:01

Oh hope your ok AliceC92? Very sad this is common but trust me these men were never the prize anyway as they will do that to every women they are with.

Sukistjames · 12/11/2016 14:26

Thank you everyone. The eldest DC is devastated and we've both cried lots after not so DH left. My DSis and BIL have been over and distracted both kids and my DM is now here too. Feeling mostly anger towards him now thinking how he can do this to our beautiful children. My family hate him for what he's doing to us.

OP posts:
Squeegle · 12/11/2016 17:35

How can he indeed? The anger is quite healthy I think Angry

Yumchocxhcvn · 12/11/2016 20:48

Let him look after the kids tomorrow. Go out with your friends and have a good time getting pissed. Be strong, a man like that ain't worth your headspace. If he ask where you will be going, tell him you got a date. You will get through this.

Charley50 · 12/11/2016 21:06

Yes do what YumChoc says. Tell him HE is looking after HIS kids tomorrow. He is relying on you to be there always for the kids. How date he? Let him do it. (Not to suggest you use the children as pawns, but he needs to learn you can't just throw people away like he has done).

Charley50 · 12/11/2016 21:06

Dare he, not date he.

ChunkyPunky · 12/11/2016 21:37

I'm so sorry OP this must be horrible.

But I must disagree with those that say men only leave when they have a OW lined up. My DB didn't, he moved 400 miles to live back in his childhood bedroom after he left his partner of over ten years. He didn't start dating again until a year later.

As much as I love MN for giving fabulous relationship advice I do find the double standards that women can and should walk away from a relationship that isn't making them happy but a man doing the same must have an OW lined up pretty offensive. Lots do I'm sure but not all.

WellWhoKnew · 12/11/2016 22:22

I think by and large, more men than women rush into a new "relationship". It is more aptly called "complication", which they swear blind is "work stress" (mind you, I suppose it is if they're working, fucking, lying and cheating) before, or some might cynically say, "after" a marriage ends.

Oftentimes the marriage is over but, because they are inundated with "work stress", it somehow slipped their mind to mention it. And then the lying has gone on so long they've long since forgotten how to tell the truth. Apparently this spares our feelings.

In actualment, it just exascebates those feelings of going mad, drills into our anxiety for them and perpetuates our belief that they are decent people.

I also know that when your husband fucks off out of the blue, it is just the first day in a long line of horrific ones coming up. Learning of a "complication", learning they quickly get nasty (and miserly) and hanging around waiting for some semblence of truth to emerge is a dreadful experience.

But because so many if us have survived this experience, we can only recommend ways to survive it. I hated the whole experience but I'm mighty glad he left now.
knowing that it WILL get easier is only because women here kept coming back and saying so.

In the interim, don't believe a word he says, trust your instincts, and protect yourself at every step. They get nasty quickly.

Sukistjames · 13/11/2016 07:01

The anger is still here this morning. Anger that he has done this, just fucked off and left me to deal with the fallout. To parent by myself whilst he does what he wants. He hasn't given one thought to how I'll continue family life without him, eg running the DC to where they need to be daily.
Youngest DD is oblivious and did her normal thing of waking in the night. Eldest DS seemed okay until bed time then I spent an hour cuddling him while he cried until he went to sleep.
I thought he was a great dad but that he could do this to them has made me see he's not the person I thought he was.
Finally heard from MIL, who I have a great relationship with, last night. She says they are devastated and thinking of us. I haven't replied as I don't know what to say.

Sorry for the long post, lots of thoughts running around my head this morning.

OP posts:
Squeegle · 13/11/2016 07:18

He does sound extremely selfish. It's absolutely not fair what he's done. It's so hard being a parent and so hard just being left holding the baby - literally. I don't know what to advise really, but you sound like you're holding it together and the anger with him letting you down is absolutely justified! After all, it's ok to be unhappy and want to change things, it's not ok to land that decision on your supposed partner with no notice and then just bugger off leaving them with all the responsibilities!

rainbowstardrops · 13/11/2016 07:50

He's being an absolutely selfish arse! Pisses me right off when people think they can just decide to bugger off and leave all the devastation that they've caused for someone else to sort out.
You keep that anger!

tomatoplantproject · 13/11/2016 07:52

I've just read your thread. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Use your anger and use the energy from your anger:
Sort finances - get whatever you can from any joint accounts into your own name
Sort utilities
Tell your close circle and anyone who can help with the kids
Find a solicitor
Go silent on him other than very basic communication.

I don't know about you but I really struggled to eat for a few weeks and if that is the case eat what you can and take supplements.

Honestly, honestly you will be ok. You will depths in your strength you didn't know existed. You will have a closer circle of friends and family. You will construct a life that works for you and the kids - and you will have time for yourself whilst he has the kids, so the time you have with them you can focus on them more rather than being distracted by the everyday stuff that you need time to do.

Wishing you well Flowers

ShutTheFuckUpBarbara · 13/11/2016 08:03

So sorry OP :(

This happened to DSis a few years ago and her and Dniece's world fell apart (DN was 5). There was not one OW but several, and she had no idea :(. He did make good on financial promises though, but I realise he is the exception

It was a horrible, horrible time but a few years down the line she is happier than ever, with a lovely new DP and step son.
Her ex MIL and FIL gave her lots of support and she is still close to them, so please don't cut ties with yours!

Spend lots of time with your family, take all the help that's offered, and yes, see a solicitor asap

Good luck OPFlowers

ohdearme1958 · 13/11/2016 08:07

Tomato - how are you? I've thought of you often. We did exchange a few emails but I lost a lot of contacts when going over to a MAC. I'd love to have an update on your situation now by PM if you're ok with that?

tomatoplantproject · 13/11/2016 08:14

Hi ohdearme - am on phone - can you pm me first and I'll respond? Overall though... much better and life is good in many ways.

myfriendnigel · 13/11/2016 08:56

Sorry that you are going through this op.
Keep that anger-it will serve you well. He does sound immensely selfish and so therefore I would echo what pp have said re getting your finances in order-it seems less likely that he will be fair in this respect given the apparent ease with which he's left.
Also about looking after yourself now. It's easy to stop eating, sleeping, and functioning. Use all rl support that is offered.
You can get through this and you will.But it's bloody hard.

millmoo · 14/11/2016 20:27

How you doing today op ?

Sukistjames · 15/11/2016 06:57

Didn't get on here yesterday - it was a busy day. I'm not too bad this morning. Still more angry than upset now. Just feel a bit like I'm in limbo. I don't know what's going on with him.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 15/11/2016 07:27

How are you doing in practical terms?

Make a list of things to do.

Make a list of questions you need answers to?

You need to do various things from now. And being practical will help you keep busy.

Copy paperwork - passport, birth certificates , bank statements (2 years worth?), pension information, mortgage. (Other posters please add to this list).

Ring the tax credit people and whoever else you need to do get the right benefits (sorry I'm not UK based).

Tell the kids school.

Get the house valued.

Ask divorced friends for recommendations for lawyers. Get a few first appointments. It takes a few goes to find your lawyer. And a good lawyer is priceless.

Try and find good counseling for yourself.

Think about what you want from the split in terms of house, money, pension etc and what you are prepared to accept. E.g. Every other weekend and one night in the week as opposed to 50:50.

Difficult as it is assume that he is going onto a new life and it doesn't concern you. The only bit that is your affair is the kids. So sort the kids out asap because they need to know how this will affect them. Those are the questions that kids ask. Will Daddy be coming for my birthday? What will happen at Christmas? Etc etc.

Above good luck. Come here as often as possible and unload. People here have great advice.

RedMapleLeaf · 15/11/2016 07:29

You will probably try and try and try to understand what's going on. It's a sweet relief when you stop Sad

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