My world's been destroyed

[Sukistjames]

Tonight after 13 years together my husband has said he's leaving me. Completely out of the blue.
We have two DC together and I don't know how I'm going to get thorough this.

So sorry op. Have you got any rl friends or family to come and support you.

TheNaze, I was one who asked whether there was likely to be another woman. Everyone leaves for a reason. He seemed OK until a couple of days ago. Who would leave their family just before Christmas unless they had somewhere to go to? I know quite a few women whose husbands have had affairs and while the affair's been going on, the marriage has seemed quite happy, though often they've said their husbands have seemed distracted, nothing more. It's quite possible that someone would think their marriage was fine when actually something else is going on without them knowing.

This is guilt talking. For me, it lasted 3 months
Yep - mine lasted 8 months.
Please be prepared for him to 'change his mind' about how much he gives you.
Once OW gets her claws in it will all change.
Can he really afford to keep you and the kids in the house and support himself in a property with spends?
You now have to protect yourself and your DC.
So make sure you see a solicitor to know where you stand as and when he pulls the rug - AGAIN!

It's crap - it's truly a crap time.
No-one can make you feel any better right now.
But your friends and family will help to heal you.
Please lean on them as much as you need to.
Get it out there and tell everyone what is happening.
You will need some serious love and support so make sure you get it.
Cry when you need to and be strong for your DC when you need to.

You will get through it.
I won't feel like it for quite some time, but you will.
Don't do the 'pick me' dance.
Just look after yourself and your DC.
For me, I couldn't eat solids, so ice lollies, sugary tea and soup got me through the first couple of months.
Keep hydrated and keep your sugar levels up.
for you!

Exactly what pp's have said. In my case the guilt (and the financial support) lasted 6 months when the ex decided he didn't feel guilt anymore and yes, agreed, something to do with the other woman.
These men are such clichés but you'll be better off without him, promise.

I'm not sure why people fixate so much on OW. Does it actually make any difference other than hating him more? The key bit is he doesn't love her anymore and whilst there could well be another woman involved it doesn't change that fact. I think women have the tendency to always think everything in the garden is rosy and it's only an OW coming along that has led to their DH unhappiness and ability to stray. The real truth is that men can be just as unhappy as women in relationships but stick in them mainly for the kids and the fear that they lose contact or not see them as much. The OW is often the catalyst to leave but is not the reason they fell out of love. It always amazes me how many women cling on to the hope that this "perfect until OW snatched him" man will come back and it will all be sweetness and light again. It doesn't work like that and whilst people can rebuild the love it's never quite the same.

I feel for you OP. It sucks but don't get yourself worked into a frenzy about OW. Time will tell on that front.

My sympathies OP. The same thing happened to me 23 years ago. I felt like I wanted to die. Had no clue beforehand how he felt. But...... I did get over it. Within a year,I realised he had done me a favour. I have since found happiness with a new partner and I am happy again. It really does get better,you WILL get over it,believe me. for you.

He won't keep paying the bills and mortgage. Not long term anyway. He's just saying that to make you feel better, sorry. (Learnt from experience). Get yourself sorted financially - look on entitledto.com to find out what's what.

I'm not sure why people fixate so much on OW. Does it actually make any difference

Yes, it does. Knowing that it's not a mental breakdown, knowing there is a reason does help come to terms with what's happened. The betrayal and deceit has to be dealt with.

And there nearly always is another woman. Very few people leave their home and children without another warm bed to go to. Decent people try to fix things before they get unfixable. To pretend everything in the garden is rosy while carrying on an affair is a form of abuse. Yes, it matters.

As I've said here before, in our case, the OW was a lovely woman and a terrific step mum. She's not the one who broke the vows and the home an lied to me.

People say OW because it's a very common reason why men leave, fact!

It's not to upset or meddle, a lot of women have been where the OP is and in a lot of cases, OW soon appears so it should not be either taken as read or as impossible, it's very much a possibility and yes of course it matters!

It doesn't change the end result though does it? I'm sure the OP already has worked out that there may be another woman or does that not cross minds at all until someone points it out?

He either doesn't love because he doesn't love or he doesn't love because he doesn't love and he has another woman.

The end result is he doesn't love and he is leaving.

I get that it might help deal with it etc and give a reason but there are usually reasons why people get to these stages that most don't want to acknowledge.

As for the comment about not paying the bills and mortgage....big assumption there! For everyone who doesn't (yours fairylea) there will be many that do.

The Naze: "I didn't think it would be long before the accusations of OW would be rolled out without any evidence."

How long have you been on mumsnet now?

As for the comment about not paying the bills and mortgage....big assumption there! For everyone who doesn't (yours fairylea) there will be many that do

My experience - not just personal - but with the very many people I've come into contact with, is that this is exactly what happens. The XH promises the earth, only for that to be retracted shortly after. I don't know anyone who had all bills covered, mortgage covered, and child maintenance paid after a year. I know lots who were promised that.

Read the relationships and step parenting board. Almost everyone thinks minimum child maintenance is acceptable. For many people, it's seen as more than acceptable "DP pays the full amount to XW!" Give him a medal.

For many women, and the OP, it's wise to protect yourself as early as you can. I didn't want to get a lawyer, open my own bank account etc, because I didn't want to "rock the boat". But then it was too late. No access to cash or joint savings, no way to pay bills, my only income was £18 per week child benefit.

My XH isn't a bad guy. I like him. But the reality is that he earned the cash and I didn't. He paid minimum child maintenance on time every time. So I had to very quickly move from having access to £100k per year to £6k per year with almost the same amount of outgoings. Once I had a job, the £6k didn't even cover childcare costs. and I bet a lot of people think I was very lucky to get £6k per year in CM

It's bloody hard coping financially never mind the emotional ordeal of separation. It's good advice to the OP to protect her and her family's position.

Who would leave their family just before Christmas unless they had somewhere to go to?

Totally agree with this. ^^^^^

Christmas is a horrible time for the single OW and those who are strong enough give their ultimatum and state that they won't spend another Christmas crying while their MM plays happy families. It's that or the affair is over.

I disagree that it doesn't matter why your husband leaves or no longer loves you. Of course it does.

If someone decided they aren't your friend anymore after years, you'd want to know why or what you'd done.

It's natural to want to know why.

How are you doing OP?
I'm 2 months down the line too. My STBXH started off being "nice" (in his eyes anyway) and has turned into the shit from hell now.

You will get through it because people do, it'll be hard but you will.

Exactly my point Olly.

It's only sensible to assume the worst financially and then work from there. Anything else is a bonus.

I'm so sorry op. I remember feeling my life was over when it happened to me. He left me for an ex he'd had before me he'd friended on facebook. Left me and dd within 2 weeks of going to see her never to be seen or heard from again. I'd like to say my situation was unusual but it isn't really. I had to downsize and sort out the 26k debt we had. He promised to pay the bills etc but as soon as he moved out and had his own expenses that quickly stopped. I don't even know where he is now (many years on).

I am however happily remarried and had another child and all is good now.

Life isn't over but I remember the raw pain of it all. I remember those seconds of waking up everyday and for a split second not remembering what had happened and then it all came back.

But you will get through this.

There'll be an OW.
you'll meet her in the next few months - he'll say he just "met her recently".
then the aggro will begin over maintenance.
you need to secure your assets and cash today.

We're you the other woman mt931?

I have yet to hear of a man who gave his creature comforts up to go and live alone because they were unhappy. I have heard many excuses why they no longer love their wives/partners but everyone of them has moved in v quickly with another woman.

There may be men who choose to go it alone but I suspect they are rarer than hens teeth!

Most definitely OW. And it does matter. All marriages go through rocky patches, and generally with no outside intervention, the rocky bits will pass, and everything will be good again. However, if they have their heads turned during one of the blips, it derails any chance of the marriage getting back on track. Things are going to be crap for a long while OP, and you will need all your strength to get through it. Lean on family and friends as they will pull you through on your bad days. Big hugs.

Mine left to 'go it alone'. Because he'd realised and was slowly coming to terms with the fact that he was gay. But did he mention his crisis of sexuality to me? Give it as a reason for the breakdown of our marriage? Oh no, that was all 'I don't love you any more, you aren't changing fast enough for me, it's all your fault'.

So yes, they don't always leave for another woman, but they almost always try to make it your fault. Be prepared, OP. He's not the man you thought he was, what ever reason he's leaving for. He could have talked to you, to prepare you for what was coming, to try to fix things. He didn't. And it's the reason why he didn't that will consume you. Cry, rage, rant, shout and tell everyone you can think of what has happened. You will find friends in surprising places. And you will survive and be stronger.

So sorry to hear this.
I had that crap line fed to me for ten months.
Cherchez la femme.
Yes he eventually owned up...fucking Christmas Eve !
Tortured me he did.

I didn't have mumsnet then...otherwise he'd have been out on his fat twatting backside!

I'm back. Had a shitty day. Was unable to go into work today and turned up on my mum's doorstep sobbing. She's been with me all day.
Spoken to him tonight and we're telling the DC tomorrow. I don't know if I'm strong enough to be strong for them too.
Spoken to CAB today and sorting finances.
All this OW shit is hard to hear. I've got my suspicions but to hear OW chorus from you all is fucking hard.

one day at a time OP. You will get through this